Kaleidoscope

"Some." Hilary smiled. "Not much, I guess."

"Marie-Louise and Axelle speak English anyway, thanks to my mother."

"What"s your husband like?" Hilary was curious about so many things about her ... her husband ... her parents ... her life ... her children ... her habits ... She wanted to know if they were alike. If after all these years, they had anything in common. And marriage was certainly not one of them. Hilary had a.s.siduously avoided it.

Alexandra sighed, feeling very honest. "He"s difficult. And intelligent. And demanding. He wants to run everything, from the house to the office and back again. And he expects nothing less than perfection."

"Don"t you mind that?" She looked intrigued, her green eyes watching Alexandra as she shrugged and smiled.

"Not really. I"m used to it. And underneath his gruff exterior, I know he loves us ... or he did." She sighed. "I don"t know what"s going to happen now. He was shocked when I told him our story ... I mean about our parents...."

"It"s not very pretty, is it?"

"Especially for Megan," Alexandra added softly, just as she came down the hall. Megan had put Arthur to bed. He had been in terrible pain, and he was crying. And she had given him an injection to sedate him.

"He"s not going to live much longer." She spoke quietly as she walked into the room, and Hilary noticed as John had, how much she sounded like Alexandra. "I suspect he"s got metastases everywhere. But he"s still very alert."

"The old b.a.s.t.a.r.d." Hilary spoke in an undertone and Megan turned on her with flashing eyes.

"Don"t talk about him like that. He"s repented for his sins ... he brought us here. What more do you want from him?"

"Something he can"t give us," Hilary shot back at her. "The past ... something decent we could have shared, instead of the heartbreak of tearing us apart."

"We survived in spite of that ... even you, Hilary. Look at you, you"re a big success. You have a fantastic job, a nice life." But it was an empty one, as only she knew, and Alexandra suspected. There was no one she cared about, and no one who cared about her, no one she was aware of anyway. And as they talked, John Chapman appeared in the doorway. He had disappeared discreetly for a while, and he suspected they would be talking late into the night. They had a lot of things to resolve, and a lot to learn about each other. And his job was finally over.

"Will we see you. again, John?" Alexandra was the first to ask, and he shook his head, with a bittersweet smile.

"Not unless you want to look for someone else sometime, and I hope you never have to. My job"s all done." And then in a soft voice, he added, "I"m going to miss you." He had been living with each of them for months, hunting them down, seeking them out, getting to know them. And it suddenly came to him that he would miss Hilary most of all. He had ached so much for her past, and he had been too late to help her. "Good luck to all of you."

"Thank you." They each stood up and shook hands with him, and Megan kissed him gently on the cheek with a shy smile. She had really liked him.

"If you ever get to Kentucky, call me."

"Will you be there long?" he asked, hating to leave them, and she smiled at him, with the red hair that was exactly her mother"s, and Alexandra"s.

"I"ll be through with my residency in December, but I"m pretty sure I"ll stay on. I haven"t told my parents yet," she shrugged with an easy laugh and she looked very young again, "but I think they already kind of expect it. My Dad does anyway. He knows how crazy I am." They exchanged a long warm smile, and then Alexandra hugged him.

"Take care of yourself." She mothered everyone, and it touched him as she patted his shoulder afterward. "Thank you for everything."

"Don"t let anyone talk you into dying your hair again ... you look beautiful...."

"Thank you," she blushed and he smiled and Hilary held out a hand and gruffly thanked him.

"I"m sorry I gave you such a hard time in my office ... I was fighting all this...." And then with great effort in a low voice, "But I"m glad I came." She looked at both of her sisters, and her eyes filled with tears again, and then she looked back at him and without invitation he gently pulled her into his arms and she nestled there as he held her, wishing he could keep her there forever. There was still so much life owed her.

"You"re going to be all right now, Hilary ... it"s going to be just fine...." His voice touched a place in her that had been closed for a long time, and she was sorry when she pulled away and looked up into his eyes with a shy smile.

"Come and see me sometime at the network."

"I"ll do that. Maybe we can have lunch sometime."

She nodded, unable to say anything, she had to turn away as the tears coursed down her face. After so many years of isolation, she was surrounded by people she cared about deeply, and who seemed to love her.

It was Alexandra who put her arms around her this time, and smoothed back her hair as they walked John Chapman downstairs and waved as he drove away. And she and Hilary walked back upstairs again to Hilary"s room. She had been given a room adjoining Alexandra"s and Hilary changed into her nightgown and came back to chat, as Megan and Alexandra talked about Paris and Kentucky and the south of France, and whether or not Megan ever wanted to have children. She wasn"t sure if it would interfere with her career or not, but Alexandra was telling her it was her greatest joy, as Hilary sat down in the rocking chair and shook her head in amazement. It was extraordinary being back together after all these years, and talking as though they had always been there.

"I never wanted kids, and I never regretted it," Hilary lied, thinking back for a flash of a moment to the abortion. "Well, I don"t know ... maybe I did when I was younger. It"s too late now anyway."

"How old are you?" Megan frowned. She had momentarily forgotten. She was thirty-one, and Hilary was ... eight years older.

"Thirty-nine."

"These days most women don"t even have their first child till then. In this part of the world at least." She smiled. "Where I work, I see them having their first babies at twelve and thirteen, younger than that even sometimes. It"s amazing." It was a whole other world from this comfortable old house in Connecticut, and the lives her sisters led in the places where they lived. And then suddenly she laughed. "Isn"t it amazing how different we all are, and yet how similar? I live in the hills of Kentucky," she said, looking at Alexandra then, "... and you live in a fancy house in Paris, and a chateau somewhere else, and a villa in the south of France in the summer," and then she turned to Hilary, "and you practically run a television network. Isn"t it amazing?"

"It would have been more so," Hilary said quietly, "if we could have seen each other twenty-five years ago. My life wasn"t so pleasant then."

"What was it like?" Megan finally asked what they both wanted to know, and little by little, over the next two hours, with tears streaming down her face, she told them. All of it. The uglier and the ugliest, and the tragic and the brutal. But it helped to share it with them, and whereas she had once been the one who protected them, they comforted her now, and Alexandra held her hand, as Megan told her story, of sit-ins in Mississippi, and the time her father had been shot on a rainy night in east Georgia, of what decent people they were, and how totally they believed in their causes, and how much she loved them. And then Alexandra told them about Margaret, and Pierre before he died, and her life with Henri, and how she was afraid that now he would divorce her.

"He"d be a d.a.m.n fool if he did." Hilary spoke up, as she flung her long black hair over her shoulder, in a gesture that struck a chord of memory for Alexandra as she watched her.

"He is so obsessed with his lineage, and you have to admit, ours is a bit exotic for someone like my husband." The three of them laughed and the sun came up as they talked. They went to bed amid yawns and kisses and hugs and promises to meet again in the morning. They all slept until noon, and Alexandra was the first one to get up. She called her mother and the children at the hotel, but they were out, and she left a message that all was well and she would be home on Sunday night. And then she thought about calling Henri, but she didn"t know what to say, so she went back upstairs and showered and dressed, and when she came back downstairs again, Megan was wearing a clean pair of jeans and a white blouse with a ribbon in her hair. And she looked more like a little girl than a doctor, and Alexandra said so. The two of them chatted over coffee and hot biscuits, and one of Arthur"s nurses informed them that he had had a difficult night, so Megan went upstairs to check on him, just as Hilary came downstairs in shorts and a silk shirt, her black hair pulled severely into a bun, and her feet bare as she came to breakfast. She looked somehow much younger than she had the night before, and Alexandra realized that they all did. They were traveling back in time, and burdens that had aged them were falling from their shoulders. In her case it was the fear of what Henri would do to her, and that no one would love her anymore if he divorced her. If he did, she still had Margaret, and the girls, and now she had these two women to support her. It didn"t seem so terrifying anymore. In fact, she felt good, and for the first time in a long time, she didn"t feel frightened.

"Late night, last night, wasn"t it?" Hilary smiled lazily over her coffee. "What"ll we do today? We could talk ourselves to death by tomorrow night, if we don"t watch out." She and Alexandra both laughed, and Alexandra looked at her thoughtfully. "You"re going back tomorrow night too?" The message she had left at the hotel said she would. She didn"t want to abandon her mother and the girls for too long. She had promised to spend a week with them in New York, and she knew her daughters would wear her mother out eventually.

"I have to," Hilary answered. "I have some important meetings scheduled for Monday morning." So what else was new? When didn"t she? She grinned. "When are you going back?"

"To New York, tomorrow night. I left my mother at the Pierre with Axelle and Marie-Louise. I think by tomorrow night she"ll have reached her breaking point, even though she"s very good with them. But they"re a handful." Alexandra paused, thinking of Margaret and how worried she had been about this meeting. "I also feel like I should get back to rea.s.sure her. I think she was afraid I would stop loving her when I met my sisters, as though she wouldn"t really be my family anymore. I owe her a little rea.s.surance."

Hilary nodded and smiled. "I could drive you in, if you like. We could go out to dinner this week ... or lunch ..." She looked at her hopefully, like a shy child with a new best friend, and Alexandra"s eyes lit up in answer.

"I would love it. And you could meet the girls! We"re going to be here for a week. And then," she said triumphantly, Henri de Morigny be d.a.m.ned, "you could come to visit us in Paris!"

"That"s a great idea!" Hilary laughed, as Megan joined them.

"What are you two cooking up today?" She was smiling but her eyes were serious.

"Just a little mischief in New York," Hilary smiled at her. She still thought of her as "the baby." "Care to join us? You could stay at my place with me."

"Or at the Pierre with us," Alexandra offered, but Megan had already made another decision.

"I"d love to, and I"ll come and visit both of you as soon as I can. But I"m going to stay here for a few days. He seems much worse today," her eyes indicated Arthur upstairs. "I"d like to be here if anything happens." And it was obvious that it was going to very soon. It was the only thing she could do for him now, her first and last gift to him as his daughter, to be with him when he died. She tried to explain her feelings about it later to Alexandra, as they strolled in the garden. "He seems so pathetic ... and so frail ... as though he"s already gone. I know Hilary hates his guts, but I have no ax to grind with him. I had a good life. I love the only parents I"ve known ... he"s kind of like a late gift in life. Someone who might have meant something to me once, but it"s too late now. It"s too late to do anything but say good-bye and help him go. And if I can help him do that, it would make me happy."

"Then that"s what you should do, Megan." Alexandra smiled at her. In an odd way, she reminded her of her daughters.

They had a quiet dinner that night. The housekeeper was extremely discreet and left them alone most of the time, and eventually they began talking about John Chapman.

"I thought he was going to attack me when he forced his way into my office." Hilary laughed, and Alexandra smiled, and blushed as she often did.

"The first time I saw him I thought he was very handsome."

"So did I," Megan confessed, and the three women laughed like three young girls and speculated about his wife.

"I think he said he was divorced." Alexandra frowned, trying to remember, but Hilary shrugged. She hadn"t opened her heart to anyone in years, and it was enough to have done so to two sisters. It had been an exhausting twenty-four hours. But it was like coming home, to the warm, comfortable country house, their ship finally safe in the harbor.

Chapter 31.

The next day, they sat on the porch and talked for a long time. They promised to visit, and to write, and all three of them cried as Hilary and Alexandra got in the car, and drove away, waving to Megan until they could no longer see her. She had promised to stop and have dinner with both of them in New York that week, before she flew back to Kentucky. And Alexandra had tiptoed into Arthur"s room to say good-bye to him, but Megan had just given him a shot and he was sleeping. He had opened one eye, and smiled at her, as though seeing someone else, and then drifted off again, as Hilary stood and watched from the doorway. She had nothing more to say to him, and she looked at him for a long moment, before she turned and walked downstairs, and got in the car to leave with Alexandra.

"Do you think he will die soon?" Alexandra asked, as they drove back to New York. She was sorry for him. He was so alone and so lonely, and she was glad Megan had decided to stay with him.

"Probably. He"s done what he wanted to do." Her voice held no tenderness for him, but at least it no longer held anger.

They got to the hotel just before dinnertime, and Alexandra insisted that she come upstairs and meet the girls and Margaret, and finally after some protest that she wasn"t dressed properly, it was late ... when in truth, she was scared to meet Alexandra"s family, what if they hated her? ... she finally went upstairs with her. They looked like two girls returning from camp, slightly disheveled, but relaxed and happy, and Alexandra opened the door to the suite with her key, and heard Hilary gasp as Axelle ran toward her.

"Hi, sweetheart ... look who I brought! ..." She acted as though Santa Claus had come home with her, and Axelle stopped in her tracks and stared at the tall, dark-haired woman who was openly crying.

"Who is she?"

"She"s my sister," Alexandra said as she began to cry too, and reached out for Hilary"s hand. "We haven"t seen each other for a long, long time. And we have another sister named Megan ... but she couldn"t come tonight. This is your Aunt Hilary." She spoke in a gentle voice and Axelle went to her cautiously as Hilary opened her arms and began to sob. All she could do was whisper the words of long ago. ... "Oh, Axie ..."

Marie-Louise came next and kissed her solemnly, and even Hilary could see how much they resembled each other. It was like having a daughter of her own, and they held hands as Alexandra introduced her to her mother.

"Maman, this is Hilary ... Hilary, this is my mother. Margaret de Borne ..." And suddenly all three of them were crying, and Margaret took Hilary in her arms, like another daughter.

"How are you? Are you both all right? I"ve been so worried about you!"

Alexandra smiled and wiped her eyes, and Hilary did the same, and looked down at the girls with a grin. "Aren"t we a mess? But I haven"t seen your Mommy in a long, long time ..."

"Why?" It was all a little confusing for the girls, and Alexandra sat down with Axelle on her lap as she looked from her to Marie-Louise to Hilary and her mother.

"A lot of very sad things happened to us a long time ago, and we never saw each other again after I was five years old, just a little younger than Axelle. And Hilary grew up in a lot of very sad places. And we missed each other very much, and we just couldn"t get together till now."

"Oh," Axelle said, as though it all made sense to her now, and Marie-Louise nodded. And then Axelle added something important of her own. "We went to the Bronx Zoo yesterday, and then we saw the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall!" And everyone laughed, as Margaret ordered champagne for all of them. And when Alexandra put the girls to bed, Margaret told Hilary quietly how relieved she was that the meeting had gone well for them. She admitted that she had been very worried.

"Alexandra loves you very much." Hilary comforted her, surprised by how much she liked her. She was a woman with warmth and courage and style, and a wonderful sense of humor. "She told us all about you and her father. Nothing will ever change what she feels for you, and what you did for her. In her heart, you will always be her parents."

Tears rolled down Margaret"s cheeks at the words, and she patted Hilary"s hand gratefully and then asked her a question. "And Henri? Did she mention him?" Hilary nodded. "He hasn"t called since we left. He took all of this very badly. It was a great shock to him, and I think she was wrong to have told him."

"She wants to be accepted as she is, I think. That"s very important to her. And I can"t disagree. He"ll have to adjust. Just as we have." She sounded matter-of-fact.

Margaret smiled ruefully at her. "You don"t know her husband."

"What"s all this about?" Alexandra had just come back from putting the girls to bed, in spite of their protests that they wanted to stay up with their aunt, but she had promised them that they would see her the next day. "The girls want to have lunch with you tomorrow, by the way. Are you free?"

"For you? h.e.l.l, yes!" Hilary grinned. She could hardly wait to show the girls around the network, take them out to lunch, and to "21" for dinner. She was suddenly an aunt, and amazed at how much she liked it.

They made their plans for the following day, and Margaret smiled as she listened to them, and kissed Hilary as she would her own daughter when she left. And then she looked deep into Alexandra"s eyes.

"You"re happier, aren"t you, sweetheart?"

Alexandra nodded. "Yes, I am. It meant a lot to me to meet the two of them ... even more than I thought it would. I"m so glad we came." She threw her arms around Margaret and held her tight. "And I"m so glad you came with me."

"So am I." The older woman had to fight back tears again. They had all cried a lot in the past few days. And then Alexandra told her about Megan. "What a shock for Mr. Patterson." She looked horrified.

"It was. I thought it might kill him. Megan"s staying with him for a few days. She doesn"t think he"ll live more than that." It was sad to think about, but maybe Hilary was right. He had done what he had wanted to do, and now he could go in peace, holding the hand of his daughter.

Chapter 32.

Their lunch with the girls the next day was great fun, and Margaret insisted on leaving them alone with the children. She said she had some errands to do on her own, and she wanted some time to herself, and Hilary and Alexandra had a marvelous time with the girls. After some major juggling, Hilary even managed to take the afternoon off, and they went to the park, and then the Plaza for tea. And over the girls" heads, as they munched on pet.i.ts fours, Hilary and Alexandra mused about what it would have been like if their parents hadn"t died, and they had gone on living the good life in New York, living on Sutton Place, their father a star, and doing things like taking them to have tea at the Plaza.

"I guess we"ll never know, will we, Axie? But this isn"t so bad." Hilary smiled as they strolled outside and crossed the street to the Pierre where Alexandra and the girls were staying. She had dinner with them that night at the hotel, and when she went back to her apartment she was exhausted. She was not used to children, and as delightful as they were, they were much more tiring than a day at the office.

The phone was ringing when she got inside her front door and she was surprised to realize that it was John Chapman. Megan had called him an hour before. Arthur had died peacefully in his sleep, and the funeral was in two days in Connecticut. Megan was staying for that and then going back to Kentucky.

"I thought you"d like to know. I"d be happy to drive you out." She thought about it for a long moment and then shook her head in the quiet apartment.

"I don"t think so, John. I don"t think it"s my place to be there." Although she had a suspicion Alexandra would go, but that was different, because Alexandra herself was very different.

"Are you still angry?"

"Maybe not. I"m not sure yet. And in any case it"s over now. I just don"t think I need to be there." It was honest in any case, and John was embarra.s.sed at how grateful he was for a reason to call her, even this one.

"How was the weekend?"

"The happiest in my life. It was wonderful. I spent the whole afternoon with my nieces today. They"re terrific, and so is Alexandra. So is Megan ..." And then with embarra.s.sment, "Thank you for everything you did to bring us together, John." She was much more grateful to him than to Arthur.

"Mr. Patterson made it possible. All I did was find you." ... and think about you day and night ... and worry about you and your sisters ... and spend sleepless nights ... "I was wondering if ... if you"d like to have lunch sometime? Like maybe later this week, after I get back from Connecticut...." He felt like a fifteen-year-old kid and he laughed. "This probably sounds crazy, but I miss you ..." His voice trailed off and what he had said had touched her. She seemed so open suddenly to tenderness and pain and other people"s feelings. And she sensed something very powerful and warm coming from him, and it aroused a host of new feelings in her. The weekend had given her something she"d never had before, not in thirty years. Love. And she was like a flower that had just been watered.

"I used to worry about you a lot." It was easier saying things to her on the phone than it would have been in person.

"Why?" She sounded surprised. "You didn"t even know me."

"Yes, I did ... in a lot of ways ... I knew you better than most people know their own children." And he told himself he was crazy for telling her those things, but suddenly he couldn"t stop now. "You must think I"m nuts."

"Sort of." She laughed. "But nice nuts. Sounds like you take your job to heart."

"Not always ... but this time ... When can I see you for lunch?" He felt more than ever like a schoolboy, but at her end she was smiling. "Is Thursday all right?"