But she doesn"t believe he will require her to wear it. She pictures a house, one of those lovely Ottoman confections overlooking the Bosphorus. She will decorate its rooms in Oriental style-flowered carpets, damask cushions, velvet drapes-with enough chairs and couches to host the receptions she is sure will be part of her role as wife of a high Ottoman government official. One could say, she thinks, that she has been training for this role all her life. She will also help Kamil with his work, as she has helped her father. She could be his eyes and ears among the women. Finding Shukriye, a witness to the circ.u.mstances surrounding Hannah"s death, will prove her worth.
In her mind, Sybil populates her new house with children, a son and a daughter, and her dear nephews. Perhaps they would choose to stay. The boys could attend Robert College, in its forested eyrie high above the Bosphorus. Surely once they had seen it, they would want to stay. Maitlin could start a hospital for women. Richard would agree, as he always has. Perhaps he could hold an emba.s.sy post, finally take the reins from her exhausted father. And Bernie would be here, a familiar face.
A pleasant thought suddenly strikes her. They could all live on adjoining properties as Turkish families do. When Turks marry, they move into houses next to those of their parents and siblings. Their children grow up slipping through hedges that divide one garden from the next.
As she thinks of children, Sybil blushes. She pulls the veil across her face and sits heavily on the bed. Kamil"s physical presence, the memory of his lips heavy and demanding on her own, overwhelms her senses like a tidal wave. The timbre of his voice thrums in her a desire to submit that, in her capable persona, she would never reveal. Beneath the veil, within that narrow, lush chamber of solitude, she feels unfettered. Nana would say, running with sap.
29.
Visions Kamil sits on a cushioned bench under a trellis of jasmine in the garden of his mother"s house, reading Reese"s Manual of Toxicology, which he has borrowed from Michel with the excuse that it would help him with his investigations. Kamil has always taken satisfaction from knowing exactly how things work. But his reading today is in the service of a more uncertain project, his father. Opium poisoning, he reads, leaves few consistent clues in the body after death. The pupils are often contracted, but may also be dilated. Death may be sudden, or staved off altogether, depending on whether the stomach was full or empty, how many grains of opium were administered, and whether the poison was in liquid form or solid, as tincture of laudanum or crystals of morphia. But a drop of starch diluted by iodic acid will identify a residue of only one ten-thousandth of a grain of morphia by turning blue. There is nothing in the book about weaning a man from the habit of opium.
Sparks of light from the strait give the garden an air of motion and exuberance that intensifies its tranquillity. One of Kamil"s most vivid childhood memories is of the delicate, colorful crocheted b.u.t.terflies edging the cotton scarf draped loosely over his mother"s hair. When she leaned over his father to serve him tea, the b.u.t.terflies vibrated in the breeze and seemed to be trying to lift the scarf away from her face.
Why had his mother chosen to live here on her own? he wonders again. Her presence in the garden is strong. He can almost believe he sees her, st.i.tching her tapestry on the bench beside the roses. Maybe he is seeing visions like Baba, he muses. He supposes his mother tired of the immense staff, the constant surveillance, the wives and families of officials and other visitors she was required to entertain at the official residence. During this time, Kamil remembers watching his parents carefully when they were together. One day, from behind a door, Kamil saw his father embrace his mother, swiftly, almost furtively, in a pa.s.sageway. This embrace, though brief, relieved Kamil"s fear that his parents would part from one another, that he would lose them. At that moment he became aware of this possibility, lodged like a splinter in his heart.
After this, the family moved permanently to his mother"s house. Kamil"s father came twice a week, bringing his doc.u.ments and a small retinue of a.s.sistants. He settled himself to work at a table under the short, st.u.r.dy pine tree overlooking the roses and, beyond them, the strait. Kamil"s mother refused to let the servants pour her husband"s tea, but took the empty gla.s.s herself to the samovar steaming on a nearby table. She spilled the remnants in a copper bowl, washed the gla.s.s with hot water from the spigot at the samovar"s base, emptying this water too into the bowl. Then she carefully poured two fingers of the rust-black concentrate from a small china pot atop the steaming bra.s.s urn, topping it up with hot water. Holding the gla.s.s against the light, she carefully inspected the color of the tea, adjusting it with more tea concentrate or more water until the color was just right-a brilliant brownish red that she called rabbit"s blood. She brought the gla.s.s to her husband balanced on her smooth palm and bent to place it on the table before him.
Enraptured by this peaceful memory, Kamil drowses. His grasp on the book weakens and it slips from his hand. He is awakened by the clink of gla.s.s against gla.s.s. For a brief moment, in the late afternoon shadows on the patio, he thinks he sees his mother standing by the door. Her face hidden behind a wing of cloth, she is wearing Sybil"s dress. When she moves into the slanted sunlight, he sees it is Karanfil, the cook, bringing him tea.
30.
Feet Like Milk "I"m like the cook on a Black Sea grain ship. The cook is set afloat in a small dinghy attached to the ship by a long rope, so that when he cooks over a fire, he doesn"t endanger the ship with its combustible cargo."
Violet and I were walking in the garden. Over my shoulder, the sky smoldered orange behind the hill. Our leather slippers made delicate scuffing sounds on the paving stones as we approached the pavilion. The sky over the strait had been leached to ash.
"How do they get the food from him?"
"They wait until he has put out the fire, then pull him back in. But it"s dangerous. If there"s a storm or a fire, he is lost."
"How do you know this?"
"Hamza told me."
Violet said nothing, but I sensed her disapproval. She never liked Hamza and spied on us when he visited until I scolded her for it.
I had not heard from Hamza since the dinner at our house in Nishantashou, even in the weeks since Amin Efendi"s attack. This weighed on me. If he had sent a message, Aunt Hsn might not have bothered to pa.s.s it on to me here. Nevertheless, I was hurt by his silence. He must have heard what Amin Efendi had done. The city vibrated with the news.
My feelings had not been steady since the attack. Self-pity overtook me during sleepless nights. I disowned it and wished to cut it from me like a useless limb. The bitter rage I relished, as it made the pain recede. But my anger flooded over. I snapped at Violet, and raged silently at mother, Ismail Dayi, and Hamza for not protecting me, even though I knew they could have done nothing. Most of all, I was angry at myself for having gone along with the charade of visits. But beneath the anger was a calm lucidity, a new confidence that I was closer now to understanding death. That it was really rather simple, after all.
THE GARDEN PATH wound around the base of the small hill on which perched the gla.s.s-walled pavilion. Violet wandered a few steps ahead of me, but my eyes were drawn to a motion inside. At first I reached out to alert Violet, but then withdrew my hand at the thought it might be Hamza. Her dark profile turned back toward me. Behind her, the sky was ash gray.
"Go inside," I told her. She looked surprised, then displeased. Without a word, she swung around and marched toward the house, the tail of her head scarf swinging hard with every step.
I waited, gazing toward the water, until she had closed the door. My ears strained for Hamza"s nightingale call, but found only the commotion of common birds. The ashes in the sky bled and infected the air, now dense with dusk. An owl mourned in the forest.
I turned and climbed the path to the pavilion. The door was ajar. I pushed it open and slipped inside. No one was there. I sat heavily on a cushion. Most of the shutters were closed and the room was dark and chilly, but I no longer cared enough to rise. I heard a moan and realized it had come from my own chest.
I remember clearly the small, cool hand that settled on my arm out of the darkness. I looked around at a bright shimmer suspended in the dark, like a white veil. Startled, I said nothing.
The apparition settled beside me. Its hand moved to my cheeks and stroked them dry, first one, then the other. A small kindling.
"You mustn"t cry," the face said in English.
"Mary? Is it you?"
"I came "round to see you, but your maid said you weren"t at home. So I decided to rest here for a bit before driving back. It"s such a long way. I left the driver snoring in his carriage outside the gate. I guess he"s used to long-winded women"s visits."
"I didn"t know you were here."
"You weren"t at the Palais des Fleurs at the usual time, so I sent you a message at your father"s house. I was worried you might be ill. Then I heard about what happened to you and that you were staying up here, so I had to come see you. I didn"t realize it was so far. I sent you a message to let you know I"d be visiting today, but you never responded." She shrugged. "I came anyway."
"I never received any messages from you, Mary, either at Nishantashou or here."
Mary sat back, frowning. "But I sent them. The messenger said he gave them to your maid."
For a few moments we gazed at the ink-washed sky outside the unshuttered pavilion window, each lost in our own thoughts. What else had Violet kept from me?
"So you had no idea I was coming," Mary said incredulously.
"No," I responded, smiling at her, "but I"m very pleased you"re here. I too wanted to see you, but life became too, how shall I put it, different. Else I should have sent you a message too-or responded to yours. You are so kind to come all this way."
"I"m sorry about what happened, Jaanan." She moved closer, linking her arm through mine. We looked for a while at our reflections in the black dusk of the window.
"You know," she whispered finally, "something like that happened to me too."
Her hand remained hot through the cloth of my sleeve.
I didn"t know what to say, so I kept my eye on her reflection. Her hair looked like it was made of light.
"Your fiance?" I asked finally, to help her.
"No. Punishment." Her voice was bitter.
"For what?"
"For not wanting them."
I didn"t understand the meaning of her words, but saw she was sad and angry. She withdrew her hand and sat, head bowed, in the shadow.
"There were three of them. A lodger and his cronies. They saw me kissing a woman friend. They spied on me in my room while we were together."
"What evil is there in a kiss among women?"
Mary looked at me wonderingly.
"When my friend left, they forced their way in and said they"d hurt me if I didn"t do the same to them."
"How awful," I exclaimed, remembering the stories of young women who flung themselves to their deaths rather than be touched by a man before their wedding day. I supposed that included a kiss, although now that seemed harmless enough to me.
"What did you do?"
She said softly, "I did what they wanted. What else could I do? They threatened me. They said they"d tell the landlady. I worked there, in the kitchen. I would have lost my position. I had no place else to go."
"What about your friend?"
Mary stared at the dark window for a long moment before answering. "She"s the one who told them where to look. She sold me for a few pence."
I didn"t see why men would pay to see women kiss. Perhaps in England women were kept hidden as they are among the Ottomans, and unscrupulous men paid to look at them.
"People heard about what happened anyway. They went around bragging about what they had done. No one would hire me. I lost everything." I could hear Mary quietly crying, her face in shadow. "The wife of the minister of our church took pity on me and gave me a good reference, but only if I promised to reform. So I came out here."
I leaned over and caressed the silken filaments of her hair. She let me stroke her hair, as she had my cheeks. She was lovely, taut, confused. I thought to gentle her in the way among women.
When after a while she touched her lips to mine, I misunderstood and she fell back.
"You startled me," I said.
"It"s only a kiss," she said breathlessly. "Won"t you let me?"
"You are right," I admitted, ashamed of having repulsed her. "There is no shame among women, only comfort."
We smiled bashfully at one another, our faces close enough to see in the gloom. I allowed her to kiss my mouth, then my neck. It reminded me of the balm that ran through me when Violet calmed my fears as a child and, after Hamza no longer visited, eased my sorrow. I had not desired Violet"s pity since Amin Efendi"s shameful attack, but this pale woman"s touch brought me back to my body. It is a blessing of womanhood that we may gather strength and pleasure from one another.
Like a mariner in uncharted seas, her hand traced the pulse in my throat to the top of my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, sheathing them in flames. Our lips lay together as twins. I felt myself arching back against the cushions as her hands pulled away the layers of cloth between us.
"Never strangers," she breathed into my ear. "Not from the very beginning."
She did not speak again, not even when I lay shuddering in her arms, my body her supplicant.
This was not the bread and water of Violet"s caress, but a veneration.
AFTER THAT WE resumed our weekly meetings. As the months pa.s.sed, I thought less and less about Hamza, who did not come again. Instead, I savored the unfamiliar sensations of my first real friendship with a woman. Mary rented a carriage and we went for drives through the autumn countryside. When we discovered the abandoned sea hamam, we began to go there for our picnics. The driver returned at a given time or waited, snoring, by the road.
I unstacked the copper warming pots and laid them in a circle on the table. We threw a fringed cotton blanket on the mattress to cover the damp boards. Our bare feet hung in pairs, hers pale as milk, mine the color of fine china. As always, Mary had brought coal and kindled a small fire in the brazier. The jewelry I had given her winked from the shadows as she heated water for tea. From a corner nook, I extracted two tea gla.s.ses, the cheap kind bought in the market.
Perched on the mattress under a quilt, we fed each other pockets of flaky dough stuffed with cheese and parsley, tart fingertips of grape leaves rolled around rice and currants, fragrant bread kept hot in the tinned copper pans. After we ate, we smoked cigarettes and threw the remnants from the shady portico into the bright captive square of water. In another season these walls would hold the racket of children"s calls, shrill volleys of sound amid the placid murmur of their mothers" voices telling and retelling. Their legs shyly entering the sea up to the ribbon at the knee. Bathing costumes worn like daring fashion gowns. The vulnerable body quickly pressed between plush towels so it did not sicken from a draft.
But not yet. It was still our sun and sea, our banging shutters, our sighing under the weathered boards. We lay still like split mussels, gathering a crust of salt. Her yellow hair was cut short, like a boy"s, and when she slicked it back wet, her face became naked.
31.
The Girl Wife To Sybil"s surprise, it is not difficult to arrange to see Shukriye. The women"s gatherings buzz with the news that she is staying with her sister, Leyla. The women prepare to visit the house in droves to offer sympathy to the sisters, whose father lies dying, and to a.s.suage their curiosity about this member of their society so long gone. On the family"s first receiving day, Sybil joins the a.s.sault of the concerned and curious. Sybil hears the woman beside her whisper to a neighbor that Shukriye has borne three children, but that only one survives, a boy, just two years old.
"Mashallah, by the will of Allah," the other woman answers in surprise, turning her head and looking appraisingly at Shukriye. "The poor woman. But at least she has a son."
Shukriye, a plump woman in a caftan of exquisite brocade, sits on the divan, her face half hidden behind the wings of a gauze scarf that hangs to her breast. Sybil can see that her eyes are red from weeping. Shukriye"s sister, Leyla, keeps up the formal greetings and directs the servants to offer the guests tea, cakes, and savories from large silver trays. Another servant stands in the corner with a small stove and implements, ready to make coffee for anyone desiring it.
Sybil notices Asma Sultan"s daughter, Perihan, sitting next to Shukriye, her hand occasionally reaching to smooth Shukriye"s robe. She remembers that Shukriye had been engaged to the man Perihan wanted to marry. Perhaps, she thinks, they are united as friends in sorrow at his death.
An old woman in a corner of the divan by the window moves her head rhythmically side to side, intoning a litany of prayer, interspersed with loud sighs and appeals to Allah.
"That is Shukriye"s grandmother."
"May Allah protect her. She is praying for her son."
There is a commotion among the women, a rising whisper and flurry of silk as they make way for a tall eunuch that Sybil recognizes as the one that had ushered her into Asma Sultan"s house. The women fall silent. Behind him, Asma Sultan enters the room. She looks tired and older than Sybil remembers from the circ.u.mcision party two weeks before. She is dressed in a tight-waisted European gown and walks stiffly past the row of women in loose Turkish robes propped comfortably on the divan.
Leyla hurries toward her, arms extended in welcome. Signaling to Shukriye and Perihan to follow her, she leads Asma Sultan into an adjoining private room. As Asma Sultan pa.s.ses Sybil, she stops and, with an amused smile, gestures that she should come with them. This occasions a flurry of whispers among the other visitors. The eunuch waits beside the door, arms folded, and when the five women have pa.s.sed through, closes it behind them.
Sybil finds herself in a sitting room furnished only with a low cushioned divan around three sides of the room. In the middle is a carpet of cheerful colors on which are scattered small low tables of wood inlaid with ivory and mother-of-pearl. The windows behind the divan open onto the Bosphorus, quaking with light. She hears the sad query of a dove from the garden.
Asma Sultan is given the seat of honor in the corner of the divan, Perihan beside her. With a curious look, Leyla seats Sybil to Asma Sultan"s left.
This is followed by the formalities of introduction and inquiries about health. Servant girls bring refreshments, then withdraw. Shukriye slumps on the divan. She does not eat or speak beyond the required formulaic responses.
Finally, Asma Sultan asks, "What is the matter with her?" To Shukriye she says encouragingly, "Pull yourself together, dear girl, and tell us what has befallen you in these eight years since we last saw you."
Leyla, beside her, adjusts the cushions at her back and gently draws the veil back from her face. She speaks to her in a low, soothing voice, as to a child.
"My rose, remember, I"ve pet.i.tioned the palace to bring you back to the city. Everything will be all right."
Shukriye stops crying and sits up straighter. She squeezes her sister"s hand. Her eyes are red-rimmed, but her face is white and round as a full moon, with even features and a small red mouth. A headdress of tiny gold coins sweeps across her forehead.
Asma Sultan continues in a kind voice, "That"s better. Now we can see you. What is it that is troubling you, my dear? I know. Your poor father, of course. May his illness pa.s.s." Sybil knows this is simply a formula of comfort. She has heard that the man is near death.