We sat on her bed and Rebecca read the first paragraph. Then she defined each larger word and explained the argument, and asked what I thought about it. We did this for each paragraph. The essay was 20 pages long, and it took us almost two hours. However, by the end I understood the idea very well and had gained some new vocabulary from it and the dictionary in the rear, e.g., "mise-en-scene" and "phallologocentric," although I"m uncertain how valuable some of the words will be to know.
When we finished I said, "Rebecca, you will be a good teacher someday."
She was quiet for a few seconds, then said "Thanks." Similar to me, Rebecca doesn"t like to look boastful when she has performed well at something she truly is invested in, but I believe she was proud.
I also think she enjoyed that night"s activities more, because my skills were enhancing and I wasn"t as nervous about making an error.
The next morning it stopped snowing, but there were over eight inches on the ground. We read the Sunday New York Times New York Times, which was the solitary time the whole weekend I thought of Kapitoil, until Jessica suggested we go to Prospect Park.
The park was like a lake with thick white waves that were static. Many children rode sleds down a hill and built statues with the snow and some threw snow at each other, which caused at least two children to cry. Jessica worked as a waitress and had taken an orange tray from her restaurant, and we used it on the hill. It was one of the more stimulating exercises of my life, much more than racquetball, and Rebecca also said she missed doing winter activities in Wisconsin.
Jessica had to leave early to meet someone, but Rebecca and I stayed longer. We sat under a tree on a rock and cleared the snow off it and watched the sun set until just a few children remained. I wasn"t wearing my watch, and the only way to estimate the time was from the sun, and I wished we could spend several more days like this. It was as if time didn"t truly exist outside of us, which reversed how I always felt at work, when the world moves forward with or without you and you have to maintain progress with it.
The sun made the field of white look pink like the clouds at sunset, and the sylvan trees without branches were like the hands of elderly people. I told Rebecca it would be nice to take a picture.
"I don"t own a camera," she said. "I don"t really think visually."
So I looked around at everything and at Rebecca and removed my left glove and put my hand inside her glove next to hers and inhaled the air and listened to the sounds of the children, and closed my eyes and saved all the different sensations to my nonvisual memory.
But then I wanted to save the emotions I was feeling, and it was more difficult to cla.s.sify and categorize them, so I concentrated exclusively on the feeling I received from the cold air that removed all odor except for a minimal amount of Rebecca"s watermelon shampoo, and it was still complex to cla.s.sify it, but I tried anyway.
When I opened my eyes, the sun was almost 100% down and it was time for the Salatu-l-Maghrib prayer. Rebecca asked if she could watch. I consented, and afterward I taught her about the different prayer positions and the translations of what I was saying. Then, because she seemed interested, I discussed a few other subjects, e.g., the Five Pillars. "I"m pretty ignorant about this stuff," she said.
"As a parallel, I now see I did not truly know much about the U.S. before I came here," I said. "And I am ignorant about movies and music and books."
We were quiet for a few minutes until she received a telephone call from her brother. She gave him advice on where to search for an airplane ticket and how much to spend. When she disconnected, I asked if he was visiting her.
She shook her head and picked up some snow and compressed it with both hands. "He always flies the day after Christmas to see our father."
"I did not realize he still spoke with him," I said.
"They have a little more in common than I do. Though not much. But David tries, and when my father isn"t caught up with his family, he deigns to let him visit a couple times a year," she said. "He"s got a lot of lingering anger at our father. I mean, I do, too, but I"m aware of it, thanks to several hundred hours of therapy. I"m not sure he"s really conscious of how upset he is."
She continued compressing the snow into a sphere. "I think I understand what you mean," I said.
Her body vibrated from the wind, and she said it was getting late and that we should return. She was about to throw the sphere, but contained it in her glove, and it remained there as we walked home in silence until she dropped it outside her apartment where it blended with all the other snow.
decent = possessing positive valuesdeign = lower yourself to do somethingditch an event = do not attend an eventmise-en-scene = visual arrangement within a movieOther = term for people who are not the majoritypatriarchy = a society controlled by men, or a family controlled by the fatherPC = Politically Correct; fearful of offending the Otherphallologocentric = I still do not understand what this means
JOURNAL DATE RECORDED: DECEMBER 23.
After burning the midnight oil for several days, I completed a draft of the epidemiology paper at the office on Wednesday. The writing was Karim-esque, but it stated the central ideas clearly and the math and programming examples were elegant. It could be a strong launch pad from which connoisseurs in the field might refine Kapitoil.
That night, as I put on the rented tuxedo Mrs. Schrub had delivered to me at my apartment, I debated ditching the party. I was not 100% certain that Mr. Schrub was being dishonest with me, and I was also not 100% certain my epidemiology idea would function. At significant crisis moments some people feel confident about themselves and some people lack confidence, and although I ultimately trust my skills, I do not think I will ever be the cla.s.s of person who is infinitely certain of himself.
The fund-raising event was at a hotel near the Schrubs" apartment. It was in the ballroom, and when the young female guard asked for my name, I identified myself, and she said, "Issar...I don"t see you here." I became nervous and I spelled my name in case she didn"t see it. Then she said, "My mistake-you"re on the special guest list of Helena Schrub. Go on in, sir." The people behind me on line paid more attention to me as she allowed me to enter.
The ballroom was littered with men in tuxedos and females in black dresses but no fur coats like there were at Mr. Schrub"s luxury box in Yankee Stadium. There were also many waiters carrying food, and since I didn"t see Mr. or Mrs. Schrub, I ate some stuffed vegetarian grape leaves.
Then I saw Mrs. Schrub in the middle of a cl.u.s.ter. She waved for me to come over. "Karim, I"m so glad you could make it," she said. She introduced me to the five people with her, who were all her age or older. "Karim is from Qatar, and he"s worked his way up to a top position at Schrub Equities in just a few months. Derek says he"s one of his most gifted employees."
Even though Mr. Schrub made a similar statement at the Yankees game, I didn"t know he had said this, which sounded much more impressive because he said it to his wife and not to his a.s.sociate. The only thing that bothered me is that she p.r.o.nounced it "Ka-tar" instead of "cutter," which most Americans do, so I am typically careless, but I had used the correct p.r.o.nunciation with her several times in Greenwich.
Two of the men in the circle also worked in finance at other firms, and soon we launched our own conversation. I was surprised that they wanted my opinion, especially on the 1,000-mile view of e-commerce.
"There are golden opportunities now," I said, "but I believe investors are overestimating the value of the Internet. At the end of the day, consumers still sometimes prefer the human interaction that machines cannot deliver."
Two other men joined us, and they continued asking for my theories, and soon I forgot why I was at the fund-raiser. When a waiter brought us a tray of small pastries containing cream, I took one without thinking, and it was so delicious that I remembered it was haraam but I couldn"t restrict myself and I consumed two more.
I was talking so much about my ideas that I was unprepared when one of the men, who was the senior member of our cl.u.s.ter and ran a rival hedge fund which was less powerful than Schrub, said, "Your boy Karim is giving away all your secrets," and Mr. Schrub placed his hand on the back of my neck and said, "Not all, I hope," and winked at me and compressed his hand slightly harder than necessary.
I didn"t know how to approach asking to speak to him privately, so I didn"t say anything as he greeted the other men. They all moved back a few inches to let him center himself.
"I take it Karim"s been tutoring all you dinosaurs on millennial advancements?" he asked. "This kid is the future. He"s got brains and vision." I had to bite the inside of my lip so that I wouldn"t smile.
Then he said, "Just goes to show, being smart and hardworking still counts for something in America. You don"t need to come from a wealthy family or go to an Ivy, or even have a business degree." Even though he was overall complimenting me, I quickly felt less like a VIP again, and I wondered if all the men now thought my previous ideas lacked value because of my poor qualifications.
Soon a female started speaking on a microphone. She thanked everyone for coming and spoke about her organization"s goals. One of Mr. Schrub"s friends, who was the youngest and whose name was Mr. Slagle, motioned for a waiter. The waiter was a Mexican man who waited as Mr. Slagle selected three dates contained inside bacon. After he consumed them he had a remainder of three toothpicks, and since we weren"t near a trash bin or a table and the waiter had left, he dropped them on the floor.
Mr. Schrub whispered to his friends, "Remind me who we"re giving our money away to for this one?"
Mr. Slagle said, "Kosovo."
"Kosovo," Mr. Schrub said. "It"s beautiful there. They don"t need any money."
Mr. Slagle laughed. Mr. Schrub looked at him. "You find that humorous, d.i.c.k?" His tone of voice was as serious as when he yelled at his sons.
Mr. Slagle"s eyes rotated to the others. "Sure," he said.
"Well, it"s not," Mr. Schrub said. "My great-grandfather was from there."
His friends looked uncomfortable. "Hey, I"m sorry, Derek," Mr. Slagle said.
"You"re sorry?" Mr. Schrub asked.
Mr. Slagle looked at the others as if he required help. "Honestly, I don"t know what to say," he said. "I thought you were making a joke."
The female finished her speech and the crowd applauded, but Mr. Schrub remained silent. I wanted to say something to help Mr. Slagle, but I didn"t know what I could say and of course I was afraid.
Then Mr. Schrub said, "I"m just joking, d.i.c.k," and he contacted him on his shoulder and smiled. "What do you take me for, some kind of monster?"
Mr. Schrub laughed and then Mr. Slagle did and the other men followed, and the tension around them deleted. However, my muscles still felt restricted, as if I were exercising with weights. It reminded me of when Dan pretended he had cancer.
The others began talking again, and Mr. Schrub seemed to be in a positive mood, so I said to him quietly, "I am ready to discuss the contract."
He looked at me and said, "Let"s go to my car." He told his friends he would see them later, and he called Patrick to bring the car around. We exited the ballroom together. Walking with him was again parallel to walking through the restaurant: People pretended not to observe him, but they were all doing it.
We had to wait a minute on the street for the car, and I didn"t know what to say, and Mr. Schrub said nothing either, and I again felt a lack of confidence and wished I hadn"t told him I was ready to discuss the contract, but now I was there and I had to continue my plan.
The limo arrived and we got inside and Mr. Schrub told Patrick to drive us around the area for a few minutes. Mr. Schrub raised the internal divider between us and Patrick, and the world outside muted. The windows were also cloudy from the combination of interior heat and exterior cold, so it was as if we were contained inside a small egg with no sounds and few lights as we drove down 5th Ave.
"So?" he asked. It is difficult to proceed when someone launches a conversation with that.
I commanded myself to be strong and said, "I have finished the epidemiology paper. But I am not signing the contract, because I believe it transfers ownership to you."
The lights of the luxury stores and their neon Christmas decorations pa.s.sed by our dark windows in undefined shapes. "It transfers ownership so we can improve it," he said. "You still get a healthy raise and plenty of stock. You"re not getting a raw deal here in any way."
"It is not about the money," I said. "Kapitoil has already independently outpaced quants revenues from all of last year by 3%. Possibly this can help people."
"You already are helping people," he said. "This is not a zero-sum game, Karim. Do you know how many people in our office would be looking for jobs now if not for Kapitoil? Or how many other people it"s created opportunities for?" I didn"t say anything. "Look, I want to help people, too. But I"m a realist. The program might work for predicting the spread of diseases. But it definitely works for predicting oil futures. You don"t cut open the goose that lays golden eggs."
"I understand I am helping some people," I said. "But Kapitoil is a zero-sum game. It leverages problems elsewhere and transforms a loss into financial gain."
He shook his head. "If we don"t do it, someone else will. Maybe you wish otherwise, but those are the rules of the game. If you can"t play by them-well, then, you"re not man enough to be in this business. And I had you pegged wrong."
The car stopped quickly, and to stabilize myself I placed my hand on the window and deleted a section of the moisture. It was interesting how by making something clear I simultaneously left a mark. Through the small hole was St. Patrick"s Cathedral and its two tall towers in the front that looked like antennae.
"I"ve discussed with George promoting you and giving you a raise," he continued. Then he stated a figure I never expected to earn in my life.
"Don"t answer now," he said. "I"ll be away for Christmas, but my secretary will set up a meeting on the 30th with a new contract and all the terms spelled out clearly."
He asked if I wanted to return to the fund-raiser, but I said I could walk home. Before I exited, he said, "Remember what I said about the goose, Karim."
But as I walked home, instead of considering the goose or the rules of the game or if I was cut out to be in business, I thought about the toothpicks Mr. Slagle had deposited on the ground, and I wondered how long it would take until someone located them and picked them up, and how they would probably remain hidden for weeks or months with small pieces of dates and bacon on them and turn rotten. It was not the correct subject to be thinking about, but sometimes it"s difficult to control where your brain routes itself.
in the ballpark = an estimated valueman enough = possessing the strength and power to succeedraw deal = a deal that is unfavorable for one party
JOURNAL DATE RECORDED: DECEMBER 26.
The next day I still didn"t know what to do. I could consult with Barron, but (1) (1) I still didn"t want to reveal what Kapitoil was, and I still didn"t want to reveal what Kapitoil was, and (2) (2) I was afraid he would think I was greedy for considering taking the money. And I had already not told the 100% truth to Rebecca and couldn"t disclose to her all the details. I was afraid he would think I was greedy for considering taking the money. And I had already not told the 100% truth to Rebecca and couldn"t disclose to her all the details.
My mother would have also been a valuable advisor in this situation. She would not have judged me like my father would. And she would not have been as inexperienced as Zahira is in subjects like this. She also would be able to see multiple POVs, e.g., maybe the epidemiology proposal wouldn"t function and I might lose this program that would certify Zahira and I had sufficient funds for the future, or maybe it would function and some ventures like this merited the risk.
On the day of Christmas Eve I watched television for several hours. Most channels displayed shows or movies with Christmas as the subject. In one, a family invited a homeless man to their Christmas dinner, even though they were poor themselves. In the end he revealed that he was in fact a millionaire, and for their generosity he rewarded them. It was unrealistic and false although it still made me feel slightly enhanced at the end, but the more I thought about it after, the less I liked it.
By nighttime I felt quarantined in my apartment. I had seen advertis.e.m.e.nts on the news the entire day about Midnight Ma.s.s at St. Patrick"s Cathedral, and driving past it with Mr. Schrub had already made me think about attending it, and I had nothing else to do.
I walked along 50th St. to the cathedral. The black sky was littered with snowflakes like rays of sun underwater. I thought of how they would melt and sink into the ground for trees, and then the trees would eject water vapor, which produces more rain in return. The world can be so elegant when it is left alone to itself.
I wished I could share that moment and that thought with Rebecca, or with Zahira.
On a large monitor a few blocks from the cathedral, an anchorman was discussing a story about a famous female singer who sang for soldiers at an American base on Christmas Eve. Below it the scrolling font displayed: INSIDERS PREDICT "ANY GIVEN SUNDAY" WILL WIN HOLIDAY WEEKEND BOX OFFICE...
I followed the crowd entering the cathedral and powered off my cellular. The interior had long white pillars that curved at the top to form a ceiling that reminded me of the New York mosque"s dome. White lights looked like the snowflakes from the nighttime sky, and the blue gla.s.s windows were like the daytime sky. Although it wasn"t midnight yet, members of the church wearing white robes that looked like the cla.s.s men wear in Qatar were singing in the front in Latin. There were no open seats, so I stood in the rear and closed my eyes and listened to the singing for several minutes. Of course it was a foreign language, but it was simultaneously not foreign at all.
The rest of the service was a combination of music, reading from the Bible, and rituals with candles. I imitated the people around me, and different religious ceremonies usually follow similar cla.s.ses of algorithms and procedures, and although I looked different, I believe I merged well with the Christians, except when they launched the ritual of communion and I remained in the rear.
When I left, it was snowing more heavily and the frozen ground looked like a clean tablecloth. I didn"t want to ruin it, so I walked only in the paths other people had produced.
I woke up on the morning of Christmas and remembered I had powered off my cellular. I had two messages.
I was surprised to hear my father"s voice on the first one. He sounded volatile and all he said was to call him back ASAP. The next message was also from him and provided a different number.
I called, and a female voice answered "Hamad General Hospital," and my lungs inhaled air too rapidly.
It took me several seconds to ask for my father. In a minute he was on the telephone.
"There has been an accident with Zahira," he said.
I could not speak. My brain produced a series of images similar to the ones from the bad dreams I sometimes have about her.
A small bomb had exploded in a trash bin in the Mall early in the morning, he said, and Zahira was there. The bomb did not hurt her, but the explosion knocked her against a wall and she hit her head. She had a concussion and was taken to the emergency room.
"Is there any serious damage?" I finally asked.
"Not from the concussion," he said. "But the doctors say they found something abnormal with her blood and are running additional tests."
"What is it?" I asked.
"I do not know," he said. "The way they speak, it is impossible to understand. We are allowed to talk to her in a few hours."