I was standin" by the African Desert one day watchin" them take a picture called "Rapacious Rupert"s Revenge," when the Kid comes over and calls me aside. Since he had become a actor he had gave himself up to dressin" in panama hats, Palm Beach suits and white shoes. He reminded me of the handsome young lieutenant in a musical comedy.
Every time I seen him in that outfit I expected to hear him burst into some song like, "All hail, the Queen comes thither!" Know what I mean?
Well, havin" lured me away under the shade of some palm trees, the Kid tells me he"s goin" over to Frisco on a little shoppin" expedition, and he wants me to come with him. I says I can"t drink a thing because I have had a terrible headache since the night before when him and me and some camera men went to Montana Bill"s and toyed with the illegal brew for a few hours.
"That last round," I says, "which I"ll always remember because it come to six eighty-five, was what ruined me. The bartender must have gone crazy and put booze in them c.o.c.ktails, because I"ve had that headache ever since!"
"It ain"t the c.o.c.ktails that give you the headache," the Kid tells me, "it was the check. And you must have had a bun on before that, anyhow, because you paid it! But that"s got nothin" to do with this here trip to Frisco. I"m not goin" to stop anywheres for no powders. I"m gonna get somethin" I"ve needed for a long time!"
"What is it," I asks him, "a clean collar?"
"I wish you"d save that comedy for some rainy Sunday," he says; "that stuff of yours is about as funny as a broken arm! Since I been out here with these swell actors, I been changin" my clothes so often that I"ll bet my body thinks I"m kiddin" it. Stop knockin" and come over to Frisco with me and--"
I don"t know what else he was goin" to say, because just at that minute a Kansas cyclone on wheels come between us and I come to in a ditch about five feet from where the Kid is tryin" to see can he really stand on his head. When I had picked up enough ambition to get to my feet, I went over and jacked up the Kid. About half a mile up the road the thing which had attacked us is turnin" around.
"Run for your life!" I yells to the Kid. "It"s comin" back!"
Before we could pick our hidin" places, the thing has drawed up in front of us and we see it"s one of them trick autos known to the trade as racin" cars. I recognized it right away as belongin" to Miss Vincent. The owner was in the car and beside her was Edmund De Vronde, the shop-girls" delight. The Kid and De Vronde had took to each other from the minute they first met like a ferret does to a rat. It was a case of hate at first sight. So you can figure that this little incident did nothin" to cement the friendship. Miss Vincent leaps out of the thing and comes runnin" over to us.
"Good Heavens!" she says. "You"re not hurt, are you?"
She"s lookin" right past me and at the Kid like it made little or no difference whether _I_ was damaged or not.
The Kid throws half an acre of California out of his collar and removes a few pebbles and a cigar b.u.t.t from his ear.
"No!" he growls, with a sarcastical smile. "Was they many killed?"
She takes out a little trick silk handkerchief and wipes off his face with it.
"I meant to step on the foot brake," she explains, "and I must have stepped on the gas by mistake!"
"You must have stepped on the dynamite," I b.u.t.ts in, "because it blowed me into the ditch!"
The Kid shakes a bucket or so of sand out of his hair and looks over at the car where De Vronde is examin" us through a pair of cheaters and enjoyin" himself scandalously.
"I see you got Foolish with you," says the Kid to Miss Vincent.
"What"s the matter--are you off me now?"
She smiles and wipes some mud off the Kid"s collar.
"Why, no," she tells him. "Genaro is putting on "The Escapes of Eva"
this morning and I"m playing the lead opposite Mr. De Vronde. I happened to pick him up on the road and I"m bringing him in, that"s all."
"Yeh?" says the Kid, still lookin" over at the car. "What are _you_ laughin" at, Stupid?" he snarls suddenly at De Vronde.
De Vronde give a shiver and the gla.s.ses fell off in the bottom of the car. While he was stoopin" down to look for "em, the Kid turns to Miss Vincent.
"I only wish he had been drivin" the thing," he says, "because then I"d have some excuse for bouncin" him! On the level, now," he goes on, winkin" at her, "he _was_ drivin" the thing, wasn"t he?"
"Oh, no!" she answers. "I was at the wheel."
The Kid frowns and thinks for a minute.
"Well," he says finally, takin" another look at De Vronde, "ain"t the brakes or somethin" where he was sittin"?"
"No!" she tells him, grabbin" him by the arm. "Please don"t lose your head now and start a fuss! I"m awfully sorry this happened, but as long as neither of you were hurt and--"
"It didn"t do me no _good_, that"s a cinch!" b.u.t.ts in the Kid, with a meanin" look at his spoiled scenery. He walks over to the car and glares up at De Vronde. "Hey!" he snarls. "What d"ye mean by bein" in a automobile that runs over me, eh?"
De Vronde moves as far over as the seat will let him, and then falls back on prayer.
"I must decline to enter any controversy with you," he pipes, after a minute. "You were standing in the right of way and--"
The Kid grins and holds up his hand. His face has lighted all up and he"s lickin" his lips like he always did in the ring when he seen the other guy was pickin" out a place to fall. He"s walked around to where De Vronde had been sittin" and piped a little handle stickin" up.
"What"s this?" he calls to Miss Vincent, who"s climbin" in the other side.
"That"s just the oil pump," she says.
The Kid suddenly reaches up, grabs De Vronde by the arm and jerks him out of the car.
"You big stiff!" he roars. "Why didn"t you pump that oil, hey? If you had done that, the thing wouldn"t have hit us! I knowed it was all your fault--you deliberately laid off that pump, hopin" we"d get killed!"
With that he starts an uppercut from the ground, but I yanked him away just as De Vronde murmurs, "Safety first!" and takes a dive. Miss Vincent gets out and gives me a hand with the Kid, and De Vronde sits up and menaces us with his cane.
"That isn"t a bit nice!" Miss Vincent frowns at the Kid. "That"s ruffianly! You never should have struck him!"
"I didn"t hit him!" yells the Kid. "The big tramp quit! If I had hit him he wouldn"t be gettin" up."
He starts over again, but I held him until she has climbed into the car with De Vronde and they shoot up the road. Just before they disappeared, De Vronde turns around in the seat and shakes his finger at us.
"Only the presence of the lady," he calls, "saves you from my wrath!"
"Come on!" says the Kid, grabbin" my arm. "Let"s get the next train for Frisco, before I run after that guy and flatten him! Believe me,"
he goes on, lookin" up the road after the car, "I"ll get that bird before the day is over if I have to bust a leg!"
And that"s just what he did--both!
All the way over in the train I tried to work the third degree on the Kid to find out what he was goin" to buy, but there was nothin" doin".
He stalled me off until we pull into the town and then he takes me to a street that was so far from the railroad station I come near castin" a shoe on the way over. About half way down this boulevard there"s a garage and the Kid stops in front of it.
"Wait here!" he tells me. "And don"t let n.o.body give you no babies to mind. I"ll be right out!"
He slips inside and I"m lookin" the joint over when a big sign catches my eye. I took one good flash at the thing, and then I starts right in after the Kid. A friend of mine in New York had gone into a place with a sign on it like that one time and made a purchase. Six months later when he come out of the hospital, he claimed the bare smell of gasoline made him faint Here"s what it said on that sign,
J. MARKOWITZ
USED AND NEARLY NEW AUTOS