"Well I can"t say this hasn"t been interesting, but I have a shelter to open next week, sixteen staff and volunteers to train up. You get my proposal for the sheriff"s department to come on board?" I change the subject, hoping he drops this. Obviously, he knows what transpired in the barn, but unless he"s going to do something about it, then there is no point going back and forth.
"We did. Didn"t Mackenzie tell you?" She did fill me in only twenty minutes ago, but I"m not going to tell him that. "We"re working to set up a program, have one of our female officers come out and work with your people." I nod, happy he"s coming on board.
"Appreciate it, Jackson. We"re trying to do a good thing here." My words have double meaning and I"ll be surprised if he doesn"t get it.
"You are, Beau. Just don"t let this good work get messed up with s.h.i.t I can"t pull you out of." It"s a warning. One I"m going to listen to.
"You have nothing to worry about."
"I nearly did."
"Your guy was gonna talk or something? Go over your head?" I decide to take the bait.
"No, we"re both on the same page thankfully. My point is it could have been someone who plays by the book, word for word and no moral judgment." We both fall silent at the implications of his words.
"Beau, is everything okay?" Mackenzie"s voice comes from behind as she opens the door and steps out.
"Everything"s fine. Just filling in Beau here on where we"re at with the program we"re bringing together for the shelter," Jackson answers. I look up, almost shocked he"s not pushing it with her.
"Oh, great. Did you want to come in? I just put a fresh pot of coffee on." I level my stare at the b.a.s.t.a.r.d hoping he reads my no.
"I"d love to, but I have to head back to Redwick." He starts to move away from the building toward his cruiser.
"I"ll be in touch in a couple of days." He flicks his wrist before opening his door. "Good seeing you again, Mackenzie," he calls and then closes his door.
"I thought I told you to stay." I barely control my irritation as we watch Jackson reverse out of the driveway, and peel out down the street.
"When do I ever listen?" she sa.s.ses, pushing the door open.
"Never, and I think I need to do something about it." I step in after her and close the door behind me.
"What are you going to do?" She steps into my s.p.a.ce, wrapping her arms around my neck. My c.o.c.k instantly hardens. The last time it"s had any attention was before Kelly"s accident.
"I"m sure I can think of something." I press my lips to hers, my mind running wild with what we could do.
"You have my attention." Her lips move against mine, but before I even have one taste, a knock at the door has everything coming to a standstill.
"Go away." I groan, not impressed this is the second time in fifteen minutes this has happened.
"Open up, Beau. I have Mia and she needs to use the bathroom," Holly calls back, well and truly ending all hope of this happening now.
"Rain check?" Kenzie asks, before drawing back and arranging herself.
"I"m counting on it." I pull her back, kiss her one more time, and then step away from the door, allowing Kenzie to open it and let them in.
"Uncle Beau, why you take so long?" Mia"s five-year-old voice scolds me as she races past us, desperate for the bathroom.
"I think Uncle Beau and Auntie Kenzie were very busy with work." Holly follows her in, handing X to Mackenzie with a knowing smile before chasing after Mia.
"Aww, come on, it"s not too bad, honey." Mackenzie catches my scowl before blowing a raspberry on X"s cheek.
"I think I enjoyed Jackson"s visit over this one."
"Don"t let Holly hear you say that." She turns, taking X with her. Her laugh carries all the way back to the office and all I can do is stand here and listen. It"s been so long since I heard it, I almost forgot how f.u.c.king amazing it was.
Maybe I"d take my statement back, the sound of her laugh lightening my mood a little.
"Uncle Beau. I have my Barbies to play with tonight." Mia comes running back out, reminding me it"s our turn to take her. Any chance of my raincheck is well and truly not happening in the next twenty-four hours.
Nope. Mood officially darkened.
Thirty-One.
Mackenzie "Kez? Kez?" The soft sweet voice of Mia close to my ear jolts me out of my sleep.
"Mia? What"s the matter?" I come up on my elbows and take stock of my surroundings as I check the alarm clock. It"s late, barely after midnight.
"I"m scared. Can I sleep with you?" Her fingers clutch her small little lamb, whose ears look like they"ve seen better days. Turning my head, I check to see if Beau has stirred. He"s out cold and has no idea this little human wants to climb into bed with us.
"Sure, sweetie." I slide over closer to Beau and let her climb up beside me. She settles in next to me and brings her lambie up to her nose.
I want to ask her what made her scared, but like every other time we have had her stay overnight, she doesn"t talk about it.
Between Kadence and Nix, Holly and Sy, and me and Beau, we"ve all been pitching in. Brooks has totally checked out. He knows we have Mia, and we"re all looking after her, but that"s it. I just wish he would show her she hasn"t lost her mom or her dad. The poor girl is frightened, alone, and I don"t know how much more she can handle.
"Kez, when is my mommy gonna come home?" Mia"s little voice asks, bringing me out of my head.
"I don"t know, sweetie. I think Mommy needs to sleep a little longer." I pull her in tighter against me, while I swallow my sobs.
"I miss her. And I miss Daddy too."
"And they miss you, sweet girl. So much." I clear my throat and force myself to be strong. I"ve spent so many nights crying over Kelly. I can"t do it in front of her child. I need to be strong.
"I don"t like when Mommy sleeps so much."
"Is that why you"re scared?" Her little head nods as she squeezes her lamb tighter.
"I had a bad dream."
"It"s okay, Mia. Everyone has bad dreams. Everything is going to be okay, sweetie. Close your eyes. I"ll be here if you have another one." I lean forward and kiss her forehead. I reach up and stroke her hair, lulling her back to sleep. After a few minutes it works, she"s back in a deep sleep.
"She asleep?" Beau shifts closer to me as my silent tears fall.
"Yeah, she had a bad dream."
"Another one?"
"Do you blame her? Poor thing is barely coping," I whisper, still stroking her hair.
"She"s doing the best considering the circ.u.mstances, Kenz." He tries to put it all in perspective, but I only see it one way.
"No, she needs stability. Brooks needs to sort his priorities out."
"Darlin", he"s trying to get there. He"s got a lot of s.h.i.t on his plate."
"Well, that"s not good enough. I"m sorry, but he"s also this little girl"s only person right now. She"s all alone, Beau. She should be with him." I try to keep my voice in a low whisper, hoping not to wake Mia, but I can sense myself getting worked up. I know I"m the last person to judge. The last four weeks I"ve done the same thing, until Beau pulled me back.
"Darlin", she"s sleeping snuggled up close. She might miss her mom and dad, but she"s not alone."
"It"s not the same, and you know it."
"No, it"s not. But we"re her family and we"re what she"s got right now. You can"t judge Brooks for reacting. He"s hurting, Kenz."
I know he"s right. The club is family, and no matter what, we"re all here for one another, even when we make bad decisions.
"When did you become so smart?" I tilt my head back and let him whisper a soft kiss over my lips.
"When I met you." He chuckles when I make a snorting sound at the back of my throat.
"Shhh, you"ll wake Mia." I pull back and look down at her. Her lambie is still nestled under her arm, and I eye the condition it is in.
"Maybe I should wash Lambie," I whisper over my shoulder.
"I don"t think a wash is gonna save it." He leans over my shoulder and looks down at her.
"It"s so cute. Don"t you think?"
"It"s ugly and probably infested with germs." He pulls back, not at all enamored with the small toy.
"I"ll wash it a couple of times," I tell him, freaked out by the thought of it being infested with germs. Gross. And she has it on her face all night. The room falls quiet for a few minutes before Beau speaks again.
"Do you want kids one day, Kenz?" His question shocks me for a second. We haven"t had a discussion about our future. Everything kind of happened so fast, before s.h.i.t started falling apart around us.
"I always thought I would be a mother, have three kids, white picket fence, you know? But I think it"s too late for me," I tell him honestly. I"d love nothing more than to be a mother, but I gave up that hope when I left Chad.
"Never too late for anything, darlin". Still have a few years in you." He pinches my a.s.s and I squirm.
"What about you?" I still, while I wait for his answer.
"Didn"t think I did. Then I just woke up and heard you console a scared little girl, pull her into our bed, then stand up for her as any protective mother would. All I can see now is you sitting on our porch swing, cradling our daughter." I shift slightly, trying to process his words. Everything the last month has become ours. Our bed. Our swing. I can"t help reacting when he does it.
"What are you saying?"
"f.u.c.k, I don"t know. I just know the thought of having your belly swollen with my kid is something I need to happen."
"You"re nuts. It"s too soon," I try to reason with him. I know what we have going on right now is deep, but we"re talking about a lifelong commitment.
"If anything, the last few months have taught me not to wait. It all can be over in a minute, taken from us. I don"t want to turn around in a year"s time and wish I did things differently."
"Beau, you"re talking crazy. Go to sleep." I roll back, willing my erratic heart to calm down. Of course everything he"s saying is wheedling its way into my heart, spreading itself through me, giving me hope and possibility, but like I said, it"s way too soon.
"You want it. Don"t even have to see your face to know it. I can sense it right here. Right now." He leans over, places his hand over my heart and whispers in my ear.
"Yeah, I want it. G.o.d, even the possibility of having that kind of goodness in my life is more than I ever imagined. But we"re not even married."
"Don"t need to be married to have a baby, darlin"."
"Ahh, yeah I do," I whisper back. It"s not like a deal breaker for me, but it"s definitely something I"ve always thought would happen. Like a natural progression of things.
"Then marry me, darlin", if that"s all you need."
"No, Beau." My breathing practically stops and I have to force it to start again.
"Why not?" He sounds almost offended and I have to take a minute to figure out how to approach this.
"Beau, you"re not thinking this through. You"re reacting to a situation." I don"t dare roll back and look at him. We shouldn"t be talking about this.
It"s not that I don"t want to marry Beau. Jesus, the thought alone makes me want to scream out yes. But I know he"s only acting on impulse. And I don"t want a proposal based on impulse. I don"t want to get married because we"re rushing to have a child.
"You"re right, I am. I"m reacting to you being f.u.c.king amazing and not wanting to waste time and create a life with you."
"I love you, Beau. I"ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, but please don"t ask me like this. Don"t make me say no when all I want to do is say yes."
He doesn"t say anything for a few minutes, the silence almost deafening before his mouth moves to my ear.
"You"re going to be my wife, Mackenzie, and you"re going to have my babies. The sooner you"re on board, the sooner we can start." A shiver runs through me as his words wash over me. His threat is serious, almost dangerous, and I have nothing to come back at him with.
Because I want this. I want it so bad it scares me.
So instead of responding like I know he wants, I close my eyes and pretend he didn"t just threaten me with a beautiful life. A life I didn"t think I"d have. A life I want as much as he does.
Only the problem with pretending is it has a habit of hurting you more than the truth.
And I"ve had enough hurt in my life. I don"t need more.