If only I could just get her to come back.
"Is she okay?" Hunter asks, coming to stand next to me as I wait for Mackenzie to recover from her panic attack.
"Yeah, go grab some water," I order, still waiting patiently. I"m careful not to touch her. Knowing my closeness pushed her into a memory and caused her panic attack, f.u.c.ks with me. The last thing she needs is for my hands to be on her, which could possibly push her right back into another one. It"s the last thing either of us need.
"Beau," she tries to stand, but I don"t let her. All thoughts of not touching her flee and my hand comes down on her shoulder forcing her back into her seat.
"Keep breathing, darlin"." Her eyes squeeze shut and she takes in another large, deep breath.
"Oh, G.o.d, how embarra.s.sing," she says when she finally catches her breath and calms herself.
"Forget about it," I dismiss her concern. It"s the last thing I"m thinking.
As soon as I stepped into her s.p.a.ce, forcing her back to the wall, I knew I f.u.c.ked up. The fear washing over her face, the blank look glazing over her eyes... it was nearly too painful to watch. I managed to move her to the sofa and maneuver her head between her legs to control her breathing. What I just did to her in the hall has played out for her before, and judging by her reaction, last time it ended a whole lot f.u.c.king worse.
Which is the reason why I should have known. Any sort of fast movement can set her off. I know this. I f.u.c.king see it every day. The women we pick up, at all stages, can react the same. I don"t even know why I felt comfortable enough to tease her. Maybe it was the way she was smiling at me, acting like her ex isn"t out there waiting for a chance to get his hands on her. In the last seven days, I"ve watched her relax into a comfortable routine. The scared, broken Mackenzie who showed up on our doorstep is still there, but as each day pa.s.ses, her confidence has started to grow.
After a few more minutes of running the whole scene over and over in my head, and how I messed up, Hunter finally returns with a gla.s.s of water. Taking it from him, I step forward slowly and press the edge of the gla.s.s to her lips. She takes a few sips before pushing the gla.s.s away. I hand it back to Hunter and nod toward the door, silently telling him to f.u.c.k off. He begins to retreat as Mackenzie"s hand reaches out and grabs me.
"I"m sorry, Beau. I can"t believe I reacted like this." She moves to stand, breaking our connection.
"Don"t ever apologize, Kenzie. I shouldn"t have trapped you in." I follow her up, not ready to leave her alone just yet. She looks back, eyes wild with distress and shame. "Hey, I"m serious, darlin". You don"t ever have to hide from me. There is nothing you have to be embarra.s.sed about. I get it."
"You do?" Her voice is small, almost overly controlled. A facade. Only I can see right through it.
"It was my fault. I should be the one apologizing. Not you," I offer, hoping to relieve some of her embarra.s.sment. She doesn"t say anything, but something silent pa.s.ses between us. Like we both know it"s less about whose fault it is, and more about what just happened between us, but we"re not discussing it.
"I"m still hungry," she finally says before turning and moving toward the kitchen.
I want to stay where we are, ask her about the exact moment she was taken back to in her panic, but I"m not sure I can handle what she"d say. So I don"t. I keep my questions to myself and follow her into the kitchen.
"So, how was your day?" She sets about pulling out food from the fridge as if nothing happened. I move toward her with the intent to take over, wanting her to fully recover from the anxiety I know is still running through her.
"Stop, Beau. You sit, I have this," she orders the same way I would and I nearly laugh.
"I"m helping. Don"t think you can boss me, woman." She narrows her eyes on me but doesn"t say anything else. The tension between us still stirs from earlier.
"Can"t you just let someone do something for you once, Beau?"
"I don"t like to be told what to do," I tell her, trying to explain the way I am.
"I"ve noticed. Why?" She stops and waits for my answer.
"Because I like control, darlin"." I wait for her reaction. There"s a possibility she might pull away from me, put her walls back up at my confession, but I"m not going to hide who I am around her.
"You know I spent too many years with someone who wanted control, Beau." She pulls out a fresh loaf of bread and lays out four slices.
"There are many types of control, darlin"." Her hand is still on the mustard jar but she doesn"t reply. "The difference is I wouldn"t hurt a woman like your ex hurt you."
"You know there was a time when I believed Chad when he said he wouldn"t hurt me."
I practically come out of my skin at her comparison, but manage to control it. "Do you think I would ever hurt you, Kenzie? You think I"m like him?" She doesn"t answer at first and it guts me. A small sliver of pain aches its way through my body until it reaches my heart. We both know I"m nothing like him, but I need to hear it from her. Need to know she doesn"t think of me the same way. Like him.
"No, Beau. Of course not. I didn"t mean... I know you wouldn"t hurt me. It"s just Chad took so much from me, and I"ve fought so hard to come back from there. I just don"t ever see myself in that sort of situation again." Her reasoning makes sense, but it doesn"t stop my displeasure at hearing it.
Get over it, f.u.c.ker.
"I understand why you think that. I do, darlin", but the difference between the control Chad took and the control I crave is, if it"s done right, it can be more than you ever thought you would like."
"I doubt it." She scoffs before moving about the kitchen. I don"t want to get into it with her anymore. Clearly, we"re both so different, on two separate sides of the universe with our wants and needs. I"m not even sure she knows what I"m getting at, but at least she has some understanding of what I"m about.
Not that it matters.
It will never matter.
"You find any info on Chad yet?" Nix asks later that night when the clubhouse is in the full swing of a weekend party.
"Nope, f.u.c.king dead end after dead end. Tiny is working a lead, but to tell you the truth, Jackson might be right. Maybe the f.u.c.ker got messed up in something bigger than this." When Jackson was here last week talking to Mackenzie, he commented that the Mayor was riding him to follow some leads on Chad going off-grid.
"You"d think the Mayor would be on it, plastering his face over the TV if he were really missing," He kicks his legs up on a chair across from him.
"Yeah, something doesn"t add up. Jackson said he has a re-election coming up. Still, you"d think he"d put something out there. Maybe he knew Chad f.u.c.ked-up with Kenz again." We fall silent for a bit, both of us trying to piece it all together. Over lunch today, I tried to get Mackenzie to open up some more about Chad, but she shut right down again. Part of me thinks she"s still shaken up by Chad finding her, but a small part of me thinks it"s something more. I don"t want to keep pushing her, so I"ve decided to let it go. If she wants to talk, she can come to me.
"So, how you doing otherwise?" I let the Chad subject go, wondering the last time we checked in with each other outside of club business.
"Besides the s.h.i.t with Mackenzie and the s.h.i.t with Paige, never better." His laugh is dry and I can sense his concern.
"You getting s.h.i.t from the markers we called in for Paige?"
"Not yet, but I know it"s f.u.c.king coming. Knowing T, who the f.u.c.k can tell what he"ll want."
T is the President of the Warriors, another club just outside of town. While we keep our business legit, the Warriors walk on the opposite side. Owing them a marker is bad for business. Those a.s.sholes don"t give a f.u.c.k what side of the law you walk on. They call a marker, you deliver.
"No point getting yourself twisted over it. We"ll deal with it. Simple." Nix nods, but doesn"t say anything. I know he"s stewing on it, but the way I see it is we can"t undo it. And I sure as f.u.c.k wouldn"t want to. It brought Paige to safety and out of the monster"s hands she was thrown into. h.e.l.l, after only hearing the basics of what Bell"s sister endured for more than five years, I"d be happy to owe T five f.u.c.king markers if it meant we saved her.
"How"s Mackenzie settling in?" He changes the subject when he sees her walk out with Kelly and Kadence. I can still see her unease when everyone is around, but she"s growing more comfortable with them.
"She"s doing okay. Had a meltdown today. Besides that, she"s adjusting as good as she can under the circ.u.mstances." I"m surprised it took this long for her to show her vulnerable side. She was getting so good at pretending she was fine, I almost forgot she had a past.
"You still doing okay with her here?"
"Don"t know why I wouldn"t. Things haven"t changed." Nix"s eyes come to mine at my quick fire response.
"She"s f.u.c.king with your head living here. Don"t deny it." I don"t reply right away. Trying to get a handle on how I"m coping with her being here.
"I have a handle on it." I clear my throat, watching her laugh at something Kelly says. She"s only just started laughing and interacting with the rest of the club. At first, it was just small moments with me, our quiet mornings in the kitchen encouraging her to open up. But as the last two weeks have pa.s.sed, she"s finally opening up to everyone.
"f.u.c.k, dude. You"re so f.u.c.king messed up. Everyone"s too scared to f.u.c.king talk to her." He knocks my shoulder at my growl. "You"ve been walkin" around like someone p.i.s.sed in your breakfast ever since she came here. You haven"t slept at your own place, and you"ve been cookin" for her. Should I alert the boys, tell them your b.a.l.l.s have been compromised?"
"f.u.c.k you. I"m not talking about this with you, Nix. Go talk your girly s.h.i.t with Sy and Brooks."
"Quit sulkin". You don"t have to talk to me about it. Just know everyone else is noticin".
"Noticing what?" I bark, p.i.s.sed these f.u.c.kers are even talking about this s.h.i.t. The last thing Mackenzie needs is to have the clubhouse discussing us.
"That you"re p.u.s.s.y whipped." His grin grows at my horror-filled face.
"I am not f.u.c.king whipped." I grit my teeth, not at all agreeing with his a.s.sessment. f.u.c.k no.
"When was the last time you had a woman warming your bed?"
"And on that note, I"m out." I stand, not at all interested in the conversation anymore. Nix might be my best friend, but I don"t talk p.u.s.s.y with him. Ever. That s.h.i.t is between me and the woman welcoming me between her thighs.
"I"ll keep you posted on what we find out." I take my beer and walk back inside. Nix doesn"t call after me. He knows when I"m done. And after hearing the club is just waiting for something to happen with Kenzie and me, I am done.
Seven.
Mackenzie "Can you do a load of my sheets please, Mackenzie?" A voice startles me from behind as I bend down and fill the washer with my sheets.
"Sure, just leave them here and I"ll put them in the next load, Hunter." I don"t bother turning around. I know all the guys well enough now to recognize their voices.
It"s been a month since I came to Rushford and moved in with the Rebels. It"s taken that time for me to settle in, and get to know everyone. In the beginning, I only opened up to Beau. His constant presence wouldn"t allow me to retreat into myself. Kelly was the second person I let in. Her sharing her past gave me something I could relate to and a closeness I haven"t had since Heidi. Kelly has been patient and understanding and before I knew it, the closeness we shared moved on to the rest of the ladies in the club. All of them have taken me into their circle.
"Don"t you dare, Mackenzie." Kadence"s voice echoes through the laundry room, and this time, I turn.
"It"s no problem, Kadence. It"s the least I can do. Besides, I like keeping busy." I watch as her brow drops into a scowl at the news I"m going to be washing Hunter"s sheets.
"Please tell me you don"t always do this?"
"Err." I turn to Hunter not sure how I"m going to get him out of this one.
"Jesus, Hunter. You"re a grown-a.s.s man." Kadence shakes her head putting two and two together.
"It"s not a big deal." I try to save Hunter from the lecture he"s about to receive. "It makes the days go by." I stop and take note of how depressing I sound.
Jesus, I"ve come to enjoy washing sheets. Call me your modern-day Cinderella.
"Go find something to do, Hunter." Kadence turns to face the youngest member of the Knights Rebels. He doesn"t need to be told twice before hightailing it out of there. I know what"s about to come next, so I turn back and finish my load.
"You need a job." Kadence"s next words are not what I was expecting. I was expecting my own kind of lecture, not for her to say what I"ve been thinking the last few weeks. I"m going crazy holed up in here.
"I know, but Beau doesn"t think it"s a good idea," I tell her exactly what Beau said when I suggested it. One night after I had changed all the sheets, cleaned the kitchen, tidied behind the bar and still found myself walking around bored, I mentioned looking for a job to Beau and he quickly shut me down.
"Well, I"m sure we can think of something other than cleaning Hunter"s sheets. I mean, who knows what"s on them."
"I honestly don"t mind." I cringe, knowing she"s probably right. I don"t pay too much attention to who Hunter takes to his bed, but I have noticed since his main girl left him a couple weeks ago, he has a new woman on his arm practically every night.
"I know you don"t, which is what makes this even worse. You want to clean Hunter"s sheets. Girl, this is bad." I laugh at her disgusted tone, but don"t argue anymore. She"s right. This is bad.
Seriously, who likes doing laundry anyway?
"Well, what do you have in mind?" I ask, moving from the laundry and back out to the kitchen. Besides cleaning everyone"s sheets, I"ve kept myself busy with baking. Something all the members are grateful for, even Beau when I make his favorite brownies.
"What did you do for work before you came here?"
"Before Chad I was a receptionist, and after I was a waitress." My mind flicks to Fred and Carly. My boss and his wife from the diner I worked at in Ohio. It wasn"t the most glorified job in the world, but I miss it. My boss was a good man, and even though he didn"t know the extent of my past, he still helped me out more than anyone else has done in my life.
I need to call him, and let him know I"m safe.
"So yeah, I"m an all-round go-getter." I force Fred and Carly out of my head and laugh at my own joke.
"What are you two talking about?" Holly looks up from the table, joining in on our conversation.
"Mackenzie needs a job." Kadence takes the seat next to her and I move to fill my coffee cup.
"Oh, I was going to suggest something this week. I don"t think I"ve ever seen the clubhouse so clean." She points around the kitchen. She"s right. I"ve spent virtually every day cleaning over and over.
"Not that we don"t appreciate it, but I think it"s time to step outside the clubhouse," she adds and I nod in agreement. I"ve been here hiding out for over a month and no one has come for me. I think it"s safe to say I"m not in any immediate danger.
"Okay, so do you know anyone who"s hiring?" I move to the oven to check on the cake I"m baking. Chocolate mud cake, with orange glaze today.
"I know Jesse is," Holly offers and I take a minute to think about it. Working with Jesse? It might work.
"It could work."
"No," both Kadence and Nix say at the same time. I look back watching Nix enter the kitchen and move to his wife.
"Not at the club, I mean help with his books." Holly ignores Nix and Kadence making-out like teenagers, and explains her suggestion.
I hold in my smile as she rolls her eyes waiting for them to come up for air. After what feels like a minute, she gives up.
"h.e.l.lo, important discussion happening here. Get a room." A giggle escapes my lips when Nix pulls back from Kadence and a slight blush coats her neck.