"Did you advise her to give Destiny up?"
"I did," she admitted without pride. "To this day, not sure if it was the right thing. Never forget the vacant look in her eyes the day she signed the papers. Later that afternoon, one of the nurses took me aside and told me the girl would never be able to have another child. Her insides were torn apart by the difficult birth. I"ll tell you, that about ripped me in two."
"What an impossible choice the girl had!"
"It was! I encouraged her to give up the baby, because I was afraid if she kept the child, she"d never stop remembering the rape. Believe me, it was nothing you"d want to remember. It was a violent ordeal."
"Did you see the mother again, after she left the hospital?"
"No. Destiny became my first priority. Concentrated on getting her settled into her new home. Easier for me, too, I think, to separate from the mother. Did hear, however, that she got married a year or two later, so maybe she found some measure of happiness. I like to think she did."
"Do you remember her name?"
"Couldn"t forget it if I tried a" Beth Ann Wolcott."
"Do you have any idea how I can find her?"
"Not right off the top of my head, but I"ll bet I could track her down if I tried. Still got some connections in the old convent."
"Would you do that, please?"
She paused before answering. "On one condition... when I locate her, I"ll have to get her permission before I"ll allow you or Destiny to contact her. That"s the least I can do for her. Is that fair enough?"
"More than. I"m not even sure Destiny will want to see her, but I"d like to meet her if she"s willing."
She drank the last, long swig from her gla.s.s before she answered me.
"Fine. See what I can do. Maybe between the two of us, we can do something for these women."
"I hope so," I said doubtfully.
I had no idea what Frances Green and I could do twenty-nine years later for a woman who was raped and a daughter who was born out of that rape.
But I was willing to try.
Chapter 21.
The next morning, the effects of the past finally caught up to me. I was too depressed to go to work. I called Ann and told her I wouldn"t be coming into the office. If she was concerned, she didn"t show it. Maybe she thought this was part of my resolve to take time off.
The new information I had about Destiny burdened me. I wanted to call her up, if for no other reason, than to get the tragic news off my chest, but I knew instinctively that it wasn"t time to tell her. She"d hired me to serve as a buffer, almost like a surge protector, and I had to be just thata"even if the information was frying my brain.
I wanted to meet Beth Ann Wolcott before I told Destiny about the way her life began. One sperm and one egg, violently pressed together. Frankly, it was more than I could bear to think about. I had no idea how Destiny would hold up under the news. I was hoping to present it to her at a time when I could give her some good news as well: that her mother was alive and well and wanted to meet her.
To avoid thinking about the rape, I planned my day by the TV Guide. I had just figured out that if I used my remote prudently, I could catch three episodes of "I Love Lucy," two talk shows, and one game of "Wheel of Fortune" when the phone rang.
I ran to get it, thinking it would be Ann with a question about work. It wasn"t.
"h.e.l.lo," I said, but there was no answer.
"h.e.l.lo," I repeated, ready to hang up.
"It"s me," came the reply at last, in a small voice.
"Jessica, hi! How are you?"
No answer.
"Are you there, Jessica?"
She giggled. I heard scuffling noises then the sound of her mother"s voice.
"Hi, Kris. She wanted to call you, but as you can tell, she"s not very good on the phone yet."
That"s okay, she"s only four. How are they doing?"
"They"re good a" driving me crazy as usual. Every day they ask when they"re going to see you again. I hope you don"t mind, I got tired of hearing it, so I told them they could call you."
"Not at all. I"ve been busy lately or I would have called them," I said lamely.
"Do you think you could take them to the zoo sometime? I"ve been meaning to go myself, but Sam"s worked every weekend, and I don"t want to leave Brianna with a sitter. I"ve tried to explain to the kids that their three-month-old sister can"t do everything they do, but you know how persistent they can be."
"I do. I"d be happy to take them. How about this Sat.u.r.day? Do you have plans?"
"No, that"d be great! They"ll be ready when the sun comes up, but you come on over whenever"s good for you."
"How about around eleven?"
"Fine. We"ll see you then."
She was getting ready to hang up when I had a great idea.
"Peggy, wait, before you go, do you think it"d be all right if I bring a friend? She"s been going through some tough stuff lately. I think a day with the kids would do wonders for her."
"Not your friend Mich.e.l.le, I hope."
"No, not her." The last time Mich.e.l.le had come along with me and the kids, she talked about herself the whole time and repeatedly told Zeb and Jessica to be quiet when they tried to get a word in edgewise. Needless to say, they didn"t like her much.
"This woman"s name is Destiny."
"What a pretty name. Of course, Kris, bring her along. I"m sure the kids would love to meet your friend."
The second Peggy said good-bye, I dialed Destiny"s number.
"How would you like to go to the zoo Sat.u.r.day?" I asked without bothering to say "h.e.l.lo."
"Kris?"
"Of course it"s me!"
"As long as it"s you, I"d love to go. I haven"t been in years."
"There"s one catch...."
"What? I suppose you like to ride that stinky elephant."
"Actually, I do, but that"s not the catch. The catch is that we won"t be going alone." I giggled mischievously.
"Mich.e.l.le"s not coming, is she? Tell me you"re not trying to get us back together again, Kris."
"No way! Our companions are safely out of your target market of potential lovers. They"re both under the age of seven."
"Your friend Peggy"s kids, Zeb and Jessica," she said, excitement replacing her earlier suspicion.
"Exactly. Will you come?"
"But your time with them is so special. I don"t want to get in the way."
"You won"t."
"But I haven"t been around kids in years, probably not since I was a kid myself. What if they hate me?"
"They"ll love you, Destiny. Just be yourself, don"t use too many big words, and buy them lots of junk food. Guaranteed, they"ll love you."
"I can do that," she said confidently.
"Good, I"ll pick you up around ten-thirty."
"Great, I"ll be ready... and thanks, Kris."
"For what?"
"For inviting me, for sharing this with me."
"Any time," I said smiling.
I got off the phone, threw the TV Guide in the trash, and rode my bike five miles to the Gates Tennis Center. I spent the rest of the morning hitting the ball against a backboard and smiling.
I could hardly wait for Sat.u.r.day to come, and when it did, I made the rounds and picked everybody up.
When I saw Destiny come running out of her house, for a split second, I felt guilty for not telling her about the rape. I wondered if she looked like her father... and I wondered what kind of a man he must have been to rape a woman. Were there traces of his rage in her? All this raced through my mind before Destiny even opened the car door. When she did, her enthusiasm infected me, and I put the depressing thoughts out of my mind. Actually, it wasn"t that hard for me to compartmentalize; I"d been doing it all my life.
At Peggy"s house, it took a few minutes for Zeb and Jessica to warm up to Destiny. Neither one of them wanted to sit next to her in the car. She sat up front with me, and they kept each other company in the back.
Before we"d gotten very far, though, she"d won them over by helping them spot and count red cars. And when we got to the zoo, they both insisted on holding Destiny"s hand.
That day was one of the best days of my life.
We spent hours walking and running and laughing. We imitated a seal, taunted a lion, and rode an elephant.
When it was time to go home, they all protested, Destiny the loudest.
Tired and sunburned and happy, we walked the longest leg of our journey a" back to the car.
Once there, much scrambling took place before it was agreed that Zeb would ride shotgun and Jessica would sit in the back with Destiny. We hadn"t gone far when I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw Jessica asleep with her head in Destiny"s lap. Destiny was softly stroking the youngster"s blonde hair. She caught me looking at her and returned my smile.
The good-byes took forever at Peggy"s house, but eventually we got on the road again.
Destiny and I rode for miles in silence before I spoke.
"They liked you."
"How can you tell?"
"On the way back, they fought to sit next to you in the car. That"s a good sign."
"They adore you, Kris."
"That"s because I buy them lots of food."
"It"s more than that, and you know it. They can"t stop talking about you. They love your ghost stories."
"I am a pretty good storyteller," I conceded.
"But it"s much more than even that. You love them with all your heart, and you respect them. They know that, maybe not consciously, but they know it. You explain things to them, too."
"In little words."
"In little words," she agreed.
We were both silent again as I slowly drove toward her house.
I didn"t know what Destiny was thinking, but I couldn"t stop thinking about Jessica. All afternoon, I had watched her, studying her with the intensity of a scholar. I watched her in all her four-year-old splendor, and I knew as I watched her that four-year-olds know.
For some reason, I had been thinking that if the bad things that happened to me had happened when I was so young, that they must not have mattered, that they couldn"t have been so traumatic.
Yet, seeing Jessica, as she tore around from one place to the next, attacking life itself, I saw how aware she was.
Abuse would destroy her life, I realized, even if she couldn"t remember it or understand it for another twenty years. She would never forget it. She might block it out, but she"d never completely forget.