Just as I hadn"t.
She"d remember it all when she jumped at a lover"s innocent touch. Or when she recoiled at a stranger"s choice of words. Or when she felt uneasy because she was near the place where the loss occurred.
She"d remember it all, time after time, in shadows, the hardest kind of memories to grasp.
For a moment, I let myself feel how much Zeb and Jessica meant to me, and I wanted to cry. When it seemed as if the world were crumbling around me, I"d think of the kids. Of them running to hug me, reaching up but only grabbing my legs. Of their blonde hair. Of their brilliant questions, masked in simplicity. Of their perfect posture, spines unbent by trouble. Of their absolute, unwavering trust of adults.
I never violated that trust. I never lied to them. I never spoke to them from my own anger or pain. I never hit them. I never caressed them. But then, I wasn"t their parent.
I remembered Jessica waving good-bye as we drove off, her tousled blonde hair blowing in the wind, and I knew she was safe. Her safety showed in who she was. I felt like crying for the safety I never had.
Destiny must have been reading my mind.
"When you"re with them, Kris, do you ever think about yourself when you were their age?"
"All the time." I swallowed hard. "That"s why I don"t see them very often. It"s too painful."
"I"ll bet you were a cute kid."
"I was. You should see my baby pictures."
"I"d love to see them." She winked at me.
We both laughed because what I"d just said sounded so much like a cheap come-on.
"I didn"t mean it that way."
"I know, and I didn"t take it that way."
"Oh, sure," I said as I pulled into Destiny"s driveway. We both laughed again.
"Thanks for a great day, Kris," she said and gave me a hug.
"You"re very welcome," I answered, feeling her warmth.
As she was closing the car door, she said, so quietly I could barely hear her, "I haven"t felt this good in a long time."
Before I could answer, she was off running up her steps. I wanted to run after her, but I didn"t.
Little did I know then that the next time I was to see her would be under the strangest of circ.u.mstances. If I had known, I probably would have gone inside and held her all night long, sheltering her from what was to come.
When I got home, there was a message on my phone machine from Fran Green. I let out a little yelp, then ran to my bedroom to hunt for her phone number. When I found it, I rang her immediately.
"Fran Green here."
"Hi, Fran, it"s Kristin Ashe. How"s your search coming?"
"Quite well, actually! Located Beth Ann Wolcott," she said, sounding pleased with herself.
"You"re kidding! That was fast! How"d you do it?"
"Called in a few markers at the convent. Denver"s just one big small town, and the longer you live here, the smaller it gets."
"Is she still living in Denver?" I couldn"t believe my luck. Frances Green was finishing up this case for me.
"Certainly is. Never left the city. Been married and divorced and raised a daughter herself."
"You"re kidding! Tell me everything."
"Called her today. Must say, gave her the shock of her life. Right away, she knew who I was. Remembered the counseling sessions we had."
I couldn"t stand the suspense!
"Does she want to meet Destiny?"
"You"re getting ahead of my story."
"C"mon, Fran, give!"
"Yep!"
"All right!" I let out my loudest, most joyful scream.
"Hold up," she cautioned me.
"What?" I asked, all worried.
"In the interest of discretion, I didn"t tell her anything about Destiny a" not her name, not her job, nothing. Didn"t want to shock Beth Ann, finding out her baby turned out to be the most famous lesbian in Denver. Figured the two of them could work it out on their own after they meet."
"Good thinking. I"m just glad she wants to meet her. Did she ever think of looking for Destiny herself?"
"Couldn"t. Legally, no way for her to find her. That"s why she was delighted I called. Kids can look for their parents, but parents can"t look for their kids."
"I suppose that"s to protect the child."
"Suppose. At any rate, Beth Ann"s going to give her ex-husband a buzz. Wants to talk to him before she meets Destiny."
"Why?"
"Poor girl never told him about the rape or the child. Held in the secret for all these years... can"t imagine it."
"I can imagine," I replied, thinking of the duration of my own secrecy. "But why tell him now?"
"Seems they"re good friends. Been through some rough times lately, with their daughter I gathered. Beth Ann didn"t say."
"When will she meet Destiny?"
"As soon as she talks to her ex. I"m supposed to call tonight to set up a time."
"Do you think she"d agree to meet me first a" alone?"
"Might. But why go without Destiny?"
"Destiny hired me specifically to put distance between herself and the people in her past. I"m supposed to do the initial screening. After I meet Beth Ann, I"ll present all the facts to Destiny and let her decide if she wants to meet her."
"Chance she might not want to?"
"Maybe."
"Hope that"s not the case, Kristin. I called this woman in good faith, trying to do some good for both of them. Hate to tell her now her daughter doesn"t want to meet her."
"It probably won"t come to that, Fran."
"I don"t like this, but I"ll call her."
"Neither do I, but I have to protect Destiny."
"I"d like to protect Beth Ann myself."
"Don"t worry a" I"ll be careful with her."
"Better be. Talk to you later."
As I look back on it now, it"s almost funny how I tried so hard to keep all the emotional pieces of Destiny"s life organized in a logical way. Of course it didn"t work.
In the end, nothing went according to plan, starting with my intention to get a lot of sleep that night because I had a busy day ahead of me at Marketing Consultants.
Ann and I are at my parents" house, and I"m on the phone with one of my Marketing Consultants clients. I"m in my mom"s bedroom upstairs. Ann"s downstairs. Dad keeps coming down the hall and revealing himself to me. I keep him at bay by holding my hand over the phone and screaming at him that I"ll tell Ann, that I"ll call the police.
All the while, I"m trying to keep my client from knowing. Somehow, I feel responsible because I let my father start this by letting him do something that seemed inappropriate but not terrifying, then it got out of hand.
When Ann comes upstairs, I tell her what Dad did. He tries to deny it, tries to tell her that I came on to him.
Somehow, we kick this man out of the house. We file a report that doesn"t press charges but does go on file. The abuse is on record.
My Monday went quickly. After Fran called to tell me I could meet Beth Ann Wolcott the next day, I soared through the rest of my work. I only took time out to call Destiny and tell her the good news, that I"d be meeting her mother the next day. She asked if I"d found out anything about her father. I lied and said no, that maybe her mother could shed some light on him.
All night, I paid for my lying as I tossed and turned, practicing different ways of breaking the news to Destiny that her father was a rapist. By dawn, I still hadn"t come up with a good way to phrase such a fact.
Chapter 22.
Tuesday, every hour seemed like a week as I waited for my afternoon visit with Destiny"s mother. When at last I arrived at her house, I let out a short whistle. Beth Ann Wolcott had done quite well for herself. Her home was a mansion located in the affluent Greenwood Village enclave. I parked my car in the circular driveway, walked up to the door and, with b.u.t.terflies in my stomach, gave the bra.s.s doorknocker a decisive clang.
I was nervous because Fran Green hadn"t exactly paved the way for my arrival. When she"d called back to tell me a time and address, she made it quite clear that Beth Ann was upset that she"d have to meet me first. She"d been expecting to meet directly with her daughter. Frankly, I couldn"t see what the big deal was. She"d waited this long. What was one more day? And wouldn"t it be easier for her, too, I rationalized, if she was able to meet a friend of Destiny"s before she actually met Destiny. Evidently not, according to Fran.
I barely had time to process these thoughts because the door opened so quickly I could only guess Beth Ann had been watching me from the window in the entry.
"Hi, I"m Kristin Ashe. I think Fran Green told you about me," I began as a means of introduction.
Her first words were nothing like I expected.
"I can"t talk to you right now," came the frightened voice from behind the mostly closed door. She"d opened it a crack so she could see me, but I couldn"t see much of her.
"But didn"t Fran call you," I protested, my heart sinking.
"I want to talk to you," she whispered urgently, "but this really isn"t a good time right now. I hate to inconvenience you, but do you think you could come back in a few hours?"
"I"ve driven a long way to get here," I lied. I was afraid if I went away, she"d never allow me back.
"I"m sorry, I thought this would be a good time, but it"s not. My daughter stopped by a few minutes ago. It was quite unexpected. We haven"t even spoken to one another in several weeks. She"s up in her room now, going through some of her old things, but she could come down any minute. I hope you can understand."
The light bulb finally went off in my head.
"And you haven"t told her anything about this other child of yours, right?"
"Correct. I was going to, but I wanted to be sure you"d come first before I upset anyone."
"I understand perfectly," I said graciously and prepared to quickly depart. "If she sees me leaving, tell her I"m a Jehovah"s Witness who tried to lead you to the Lord."
"I will." She gave me a faint smile.
My back was turned, and I was stepping off the porch when I heard the sound of her daughter"s voice.
"Hey, Mom, look what I found...."
The innocent voice of the daughter she never told. The voice that froze all time and thoughts for me.
The voice that was Destiny"s.
At first I thought it was a joke, that somehow Destiny had located her birth mother on her own and wanted to play a practical joke on me.
But then I saw all color drain from her mother"s face, and I knew it wasn"t a joke.
The scene that followed will be etched in my mind until the day I die.
I must have spun around. Beth Ann Wolcott turned white and tried to close the door. Destiny realized someone was at the door and came to see who it was. When she saw me, her face registered surprise, then happiness, then terror.
She knew what I"d set out to do that afternoon. In her eyes, I could see her realize why I was there.