"Work a little this morning, then nap this afternoon. Tonight after dinner, I"ll come home with you and spend the night. That way, you won"t have to call me. I"ll be right there with you."
"Are you serious?" I was flabbergasted.
"Of course I am."
"You can"t do that. You"re dating Mich.e.l.le."
"I"m not going to sleep on top of you. I"m just offering to stay over. Nothing s.e.xual, I swear it."
"Nothing s.e.xual?"
"Nothing s.e.xual. Guaranteed."
For a minute, I was tempted. Very tempted.
Then good sense overcame me.
"Thanks anyway, Destiny, but I think I"d better sleep alone."
"All right, but you"ve got to swear you"ll call next time."
"I"ll call," I said without much conviction.
"Swear it, Kristin Ashe, or I"m packing my pajamas."
"I swear!" I said reluctantly and then added, "You really are stubborn, aren"t you?"
"You betcha!"
"By the way, how are you this morning?"
"Never been better," was her bright, if sarcastic remark.
"Seriously," I prodded her.
"Seriously," her tone was now somber, "I"m okay. I feel a little weird, like last night was a night in someone else"s life, but I"m okay. Better than I expected, actually."
"No regrets?"
"Not at all. Something"s shifting in me, Kris. It"s subtle and it"s scary, and I"m not sure where it"s all leading me to, but I"m ready to go."
"That"s good. We"ll keep going then," I said with perhaps more enthusiasm than I felt.
"Good, I"ll see you tonight." And with that, she rang off.
When she picked me up, the first words out of her mouth were not flattering ones.
"You look terrible, Kris," she said as I opened the car door.
"Thanks, Destiny," I said without humor, pausing before I got into the car.
"Oh, no," she said, seeing that she"d hurt me, "I didn"t mean it that way. You look tired, that"s all. I can see you didn"t sleep much."
"Everyone"s been telling me I look awful. What is it exactly? I haven"t broken out into zits. My hair isn"t greasy. I brush and floss two times a day, sometimes three. What exactly is it that"s changed?" I asked irritably.
"I guess I said the wrong thing?"
"You did, but seriously, what is it?"
She looked as if the last thing on earth she wanted to do was answer my question.
"C"mon, Destiny, what? Tell me and maybe I can change it."
"Okay, you asked for it. You have dark circles under your eyes and you frown a lot. You have a very deep frown line, you know, right between your eyes."
"I know, I"ve always had it. I was frowning as I came down the birth ca.n.a.l."
"You look a little pale, even your freckles look pale. Your nose is kind of red."
"I sunburned it yesterday on a bike ride," I said with a touch of hostility.
"The sun didn"t come out yesterday, Kris, and you"re the one who asked me to tell you this stuff. I think you look beautiful. You just don"t look happy. Now will you please get in the car?"
"Okay," I conceded and dropped into the car seat. "Maybe I shouldn"t have put you on the spot like that. It"s just that everyone"s been telling me I look terrible, and I"m kind of tired of hearing it."
"Maybe they"re concerned about you."
"Maybe," I grunted. "Where do you want to go to eat?"
"How about Italian?"
"Fine, I"m starved."
Destiny started the car but then abruptly shut off the engine.
"Maybe we shouldn"t be doing this, Kris."
"Okay, we can go somewhere else. No problem. How about Mexican? There"s a great new restaurant on Broadway."
"No, I"m not talking about food. I"m talking about our search. Maybe we should call it off."
"Why?" I asked, genuinely perplexed.
She looked away from me before she answered.
"I"m scared," was her quiet reply.
I reached over to comfort her.
"I"m here for you, Destiny. We can slow down, or even stop, if it"s too much for you."
"It"s not me, Kris." She paused. "I"m scared for you."
"Oh," I mumbled, withdrawing my hand from her shoulder.
"I"m scared about the effect it"s having on you."
"I can manage," I said curtly.
"I know you can, but the question is, do you want to?"
I"d honestly never thought about it that way before. I"d simply coped. Even as a young child, I had elaborate defenses. On some level, I think I always knew I"d been abused. In reaction to the abuse, I"d treated my parents, and sometimes even my brothers and sisters, with the same hatred and scorn I"d learned.
I coped by pretending and what a good pretender I was. I pretended not to need the innocent, loving touch a child needs. I grew up not wanting anyone to touch me.
I pretended not to need the love and acceptance that never came from my parents. I grew up unable to fully accept the notion that anyone could love me.
I spent most of my life and much of my energy pretending not to need the most basic things a child needs. And when I became an adult, it didn"t become any easier. Even though I was away from the abuse, I couldn"t stop pretending. The pretense had become as much a part of me as my arms and legs.
For the first time, Destiny"s question shone a whole new light on things. I could stop coping by telling myself lies every day and start grieving the losses, the incredible losses that were my childhood.
"Yes, I want to keep going, Destiny."
There was silence.
"I had to ask, Kris. I hope I didn"t offend you," Destiny said gently.
"You didn"t," I muttered.
"Good. Then while I"m on a roll, could I ask just one more question?"
"Sure," I sighed.
"Can we eat Chinese? I"m not in the mood for Italian anymore," she said apologetically.
"Of course." I smiled and shook my head in disbelief.
Over a delicious meal of sesame chicken and lemon scallops, we chatted easily about everything under the sun except our families. After the dishes were cleared, she told me she"d called her father that day to tell him about her visit with her biological grandmother.
"What did he say?" I was astounded she"d had the courage to talk to him so soon, to bring her two lives together.
"Not much. He was surprised I"d met her. He asked a few questions about her."
"Did he seem supportive?"
She thought for a moment.
"I think he wants to be supportive, but it"s hard for him, especially with my mom calling him every other day."
"I thought they didn"t speak to each other a" that"s the" impression I got from him."
"They don"t usually. My search seems to have brought them together. Isn"t that ironic?"
"You"re kidding!"
"I"m not."
"What"s your mom"s reaction?"
"She"s flipped her lid, according to my dad. She used to call me practically every day, but she hasn"t called since I told her I was looking for my family. That"s her way of showing me she"s angry. According to my dad, she calls him all the time to get updates. It"s sickening!"
"Do you think your mom"s scared of what you might find out?"
"I don"t honestly know what her problem is. My dad didn"t react this way when I told him what I planned to do. I can"t imagine why this is affecting her like it is. We aren"t even close."
"Maybe that"s the problem."
"I"m sure it is, but it"s been a problem for twenty-five years. She and I have never been close. Maybe that"s part of why I"m looking for my real mother, to find out more about the mom I was close to."
"That"s probably what your mom"s afraid of."
"Well, I can"t put my whole life on hold because of her fears, because my healing process might hurt her," Destiny said with enough anger to make me feel uncomfortable.
"Of course, you can"t. I"m not suggesting that. But maybe you could talk to her directly about what you"re doing, instead of having her find out from your father."
"She could call herself if she"s so curious," the little warrior retorted.
"Are you scared of her?"
"Sure I am, who isn"t scared of her mother?"
"Good point. I"m terrified of mine."
"Have you talked to her about what you"re going through, Kris, about your dreams and stuff?"
"Oh, G.o.d, no!" I laughed without mirth at the thought. "I haven"t talked to her about anything in over two years, much less about, ahm, incest." G.o.d, the power of that word a" incest. Saying it was at once freeing and binding.
"Two years?"
"Yep," I said, almost proudly.
"Why not?"
It was hard to explain.
I thought for a long time before I answered her.
"When I was younger, I resented her for the control she had over our family, that we were all influenced by the way she felt on a given day. In her craziness, she made me feel crazy, too. And you know, Destiny, I don"t think she ever liked me. Not from the day I was born. When I was in high school, I knew she hated me and the feeling was mutual. I left for college without saying good-bye to her.