Chapter 5
When Conrad returned as promised, I was on the verge of falling asleep due to extreme exhaustion. That"s why, I didn"t even notice the sound of his footsteps getting closer.
"Please don"t fall asleep."
Since I had been sitting hugging my knees and looking down, I couldn"t even see the heartwarming red of the torch. My field of vision which was completely black lightened up just a little.
"I have returned."
"A... ah."
My breath couldn"t turn into voice. When I closed my eyes and pressed my throat, Conrad noticed it immediately.
"Drink it."
The water made a splas.h.i.+ng sound. Looks like the portable container had been filled a lot with water. I choked the moment I drank it, and ended up throwing more than half of it. Since I greedily tried to gulp it down in one go, he couldn"t make me drink it properly.
"Shh, stay still."
When Conrad put his left arm behind my neck to support me, he took a water droplet on his finger and first moistened my lips. After that he made me drink little by little. The soft leather hit my chin and mouth. Slowly changing the angle, the water that is not so cold floes down my throat.
It"s the water that has been carried under the suns.h.i.+ne of the desert.
When my extreme thirst subsided, I remembered an unexpected scene, it turned funny and I let out a snicker. It doesn"t hurt anymore even if I move my throat.
"What is it?"
"Did you pick up that method from your big brother?"
"Even if you say picked up..."
"Earlier, Gwendal used a similar method to feed some milk to the puppy."
It could have been a cat for all I know.
Honestly, when it comes to Conrad, he always treats me like a kid.
"Maybe... for how long were you thirsty?"
"Throughout, for around five days."
"For five days!"
"But it"s fine, I survived."
Near my shoulder blade, there was a m.u.f.fled voice saying "really". He buried his face in the nape of my neck, wrapped his long arms around my back. The finger filled with power, touched a part lower than the center of my spine.
"I thought I would lose you."
"You"re exaggerating, Conrad."
He hugged me so tight that I thought he had changed into Gunter. But I myself know this. Precisely because we both are here that I can laugh it off saying "you"re exaggerating", there was a possibility that we would never meet again. And there certainly was a moment when the probability of that happening was exceedingly close.
"You don"t look well. You"ve become thin."
"It"s because I"m hungry. If you continue to fast you"ll definitely lose weight, right? Aaa, the muscles I had finally built are all gone."
"Even though you were the type who wouldn"t forget to eat even if you forgot your audience with someone!"
Even so, it"s because he"s relieved that he can joke about like this. When he let go of his arms, my body suddenly woke up. The action was very fast.
The flow of air hitting my body was faster than usual, the momentum was so good that I was bewildered for a moment. I wasn"t accustomed to a healthy person"s movements because there was no one other than Saralegui who doesn"t possess any motor skills and the exhausted me here for the past few days.
"If you don"t mind the taste, I"ll get you some food. Please don"t fall asleep satisfied just because you drank water. After we go to the surface, I"ll let you sleep as much as you want."
"I"ll try... but I won"t be able to sleep above there anyways. We"ll be riding a horse again, right?"
"There are many ways to take a nap even while riding a horse."
"Un."
Judging his position from where I hear his voice, he is right in front of me. With one knee touching the ground he"s must have been looking straight at me.
"You said you have something to tell me."
"Yes."
I put my head down so as to hide both my eyes from his gaze.
"That guy, he has his eyes on the box"
"Saralegui? He"s giving us trouble again..."
"That"s right, but looks like he"s still not aware of the box. I think there is something in the royal tombs and his mother and younger brother are trying to obtain that thing. He himself wants that, with the intentions of getting it in his own hands. That"s why following the path their mother had used when they were still babies, he headed directly for their ancestral tombs from the underground. If it"s here he can be at ease, unnoticed by those two. Slipping through the eyes of his mother and younger brother, he"s trying to do the exact same thing they did that time"
"By mother, you mean her?"
"Yes, what was it again, Alazon? A courageous person by that name. Amazon? Amazoness? Although I think I missed the name by a letter."
"Even though we have met his younger brother, we haven"t even their mother"s appearance from behind. From the younger brother"s talks, her condition is very bad due to a severe illness"
Conrad let out a small sigh. He put his right palm on my knees.
"If you see from the son"s perspective, she might be a ruler whom you cannot exactly call a good person."
"But in the dream I had, it was different from what Saralegui described... although it"s only until you tell me a dream is a dream."
"Anyways, there"s no such thing as being too careful. As for the box is concerned, both the s.h.i.+maron countries are troublesome. Revealing their faults early saved us. Well then, your majesty, it"s not good to make Hazel and the others wait for too long. Can you stand?"
From the wind that hit my cheeks, I understood that he had stretched his hand in front of me. Unable to hide it any longer, I opened my heavy mouth.
"I"m not done yet."
Even though my throat was supposed to be moist, my voice was hoa.r.s.e. I wanted to run away from this place.
"Did you hear about it from Saralegui?"
"No."
Conrad"s tone became firm. I"m sure he must have stiffened his lips and narrowed his eyes slightly. Narrowing the eyebrow with a scar, he might be frowning like his big brother.
"I won"t listen to that man"s words anymore. No matter how pleasant it sounds to your ears, it"s poison."
Even I think the same.
"...Even I think the same. But what he said earlier is true. It"s the truth."
I"m hesitating, since it"s something I really can"t say, I stop at my words. But if I think who else could convey this to him, even if he hates me, even if he holds a grudge against me, I have no other choice. It felt as if throwing out blood.
I couldn"t raise my face up.
"We have lost Josak."
"Is that so."
Without even being moved a little by the bad news, Conrad gave a short answer. I was the one who was upset.
"It was an emergency situation. It can"t be helped."
"It can"t be helped, is that all you can say!? It was my fault you know? At that time I..."
"It"s not your fault"
"You"re wrong, it is my fault! If I wouldn"t have chased after Sara to the underground... no, that"s not it... if I had ran much faster... surely..."
"Your majesty, your majesty!"
"It"s alright if you don"t think about it. It"s alright if you don"t think about what happened after that."
"I will think...
"Your majesty."
He grabbed my shoulders. With his palms just like that, he soothingly caressed my arms.
"He would be alive, by my side... making fun of me like always."
When I thought that the heat had spread to my knees, it was actually my own tears. Even if it"s embarra.s.sing and not manly, I can"t stop by putting up such a simple act. I could not bear it.
I shouldn"t have drunk water, but it"s too late to regret now. If I had remained thirsty, I wouldn"t have been able to shed tears. I would have been able to forcibly swallow the lump of emotions stuck in my throat.
"I"m sorry, I"m really sorry. Your best friend, an important comrade... I..."
"No matter what I say now, I"m afraid your majesty will not accept it. No matter what I say, you"ll blame yourself. It"s better if we talk after you have calmed down a little."
Conrad returned to his usual soft tone. I stuffed my forehead into my knees, my back curved.
"But it really is my fault! A comrade has died in front of my eyes! How can you even understand how much I"m suffering."
"Do you think I don"t understand?"
With his dried fingers, he caresses the region between my hair and nape behind my neck.
"How many people do you think I"ve killed. Me, Gwendal and even Josak is the same. How many do you think I have killed, how many did I let die... it"s uncountable."
As if narrating a folk tale to children he spoke in a distant voice. He spoke as if anger, despair or any other violent emotions had all been eliminated.
"It"s really countless."
"But they were enemies, right? Because it was... a war."
"It wasn"t only enemies. Even allies, much more younger than me, there were many new soldiers who were like boys. They all died. It was my fault."
"Your fault..."
"Under my orders they fought, advanced, were defeated, and at times lost their lives even though we won. A soldier"s death is the responsibility of the leader. If they are a.s.signed to an incompetent leader, the young soldiers will all be wiped out without even giving any results to the battle. The outcome of the war is not only the responsibility of the commander who oversees the army, but also the king who leads the people. We don"t know how many we let die. How much good lives we have wasted, I don"t know even now. It was certainly my fault. I let them go knowingly. They went ahead knowing that they won"t be able to survive. The fact that I ordered them to die, my sin is much greater than yours."
Conrad said to battle and die and then he murmured.
"That is why there were hardly any who returned alive."
His thumb is overlapping my carotid artery. But it"s completely different from the time Saralegui touched it. Rather than feeling fear, I feel relieved. Even if I can"t see it tells me that the person talking to me is not an enemy.
"Gisela often says this... if we could have been able to save more. She laments if we would have treated more quickly and efficiently, another ten people, no even if one more person would have been saved. However I"m envious of her."
"Why?"
"I couldn"t even save a single person."
"Conrad, that"s..."
He embraced my head, and pressed his forehead near the boundary between my neck and chin.
I can feel the flow of the blood.
"Returning alive... even though I don"t feel ashamed of it right now... since I returned alive I had to report to the parents or family of the deceased soldier. At that time I was worried about I shout tell them... really... how should I have reported to them. Should I say it like this? Your husband or your son fought bravely, but he died because of my fault. Should I have said that? How would your majesty conveyed it?"
"He fulfilled his duty..."
I took a short breath.
"He fulfilled his duties... but lost his life..."
"That"s more than enough. Thank you for notifying me, I"m grateful."
"But that"s..."
When I lift my head up, the torch placed on the ground was vaguely swaying. The warm ma.s.s of orange appears to be like flowers.
"That won"t do, it can"t end so easily!"
"You must end it, your majesty."
So as to not frustrate the king anymore, Conrad spoke in his elder brother"s tone.
"Although it"s the one that stands above all who lets soldiers die, but it"s the soldier who decided who he will risk his life for. All by himself. That"s how it"s supposed to be."
It could be for the sake of his beloved family or for the sake of his beautiful home town. And sometimes there are people who would risk their lives for something abstract like their honor.
"Gurrier had decided for whom he should work for. Please acknowledge his decision."
"But..."
"I beg you, please do as I say. No matter for how long a king regrets for one soldier, it will only set a bad example to his people. Although, if it"s within your heart, you can lament for as long as you like."
"Is that... because I"m the king, I must endure it all by myself...?"
"Yuuri, I"m not saying that."
Conrad grabbed my wrist and made me stand.
"If it"s in my arms, you can cry as much as you want."
I regretted abiding by his words. That"s why I cried all I wanted to. On his back that smelled like the sun.