She gave a bitter little laugh, and then her tone changed to that ripple of frivolity in which nevertheless Mrs Gildea discerned the under-beat of tragedy.
"Besides, even so, it"s incongruous--impossible. I"ve come to the conclusion that the only things which make London--as I"ve known it--endurable are unlimited credit at a good dressmaker--Oh, and one of the beautiful new motor-cars. You don"t mind travelling from Dan to Beersheba if you can do it in five minutes. But when you"ve got to catch omnibuses or take the Tube, dressed in garden-party finery--well it"s all too disproportionate and tiresome."
Mrs Gildea laughed. "You must remember that I am out of all your fine social business--except when I go as a reporter or look on from the upper boxes."
"It"s abominable: it"s stifling," exclaimed Lady Biddy, "it kills all the best part of one. You know I"ve tried time after time to strike out on my own individual self, but I"ve always been brought back again by my hopeless, hopeless lack of practical knowledge of how to earn a livelihood. The one gift I"d inherited wasn"t good enough to be of any use--If my mother had only left me the whole of her voice, I"d have been an opera-singer. But I don"t think I could have stood the drudgery--and I should have hated the publicity of it all.... Joan, how did you ever manage to make yourself independent?"
"By drudging," said Mrs Gildea dryly. "Besides, I was born differently.
And I was brought up with practical people."
"Mr McKeith, for instance. He told me about his having been what he called a "cattle new-chum" on your father"s station."
"He wasn"t exactly a "new-chum." His father had owned a sheep-station up in the unsettled districts. There was a tragedy--the place was sold up when Colin was a boy. He wanted to learn how we did things further south--and besides, he was left without a penny--that"s how he came to be with us."
"Oh! ... anyway, he"s practical. But it isn"t that side of him that appeals to me. He believes in Missions--in a sort of way."
Mrs Gildea laughed uneasily. "So you have discovered the streak of idealism in Colin. But"--she veered off hastily, "I didn"t want to talk about Colin McKeith. What I want is to hear about your own state of mind."
"My state of mind! That"s chaotic. The fact is, I feel in a horrible sort of transition state.... It"s just as if one were trying to wind a skein backwards--taking up one end and finding a confusion of knots; then, taking up another and after forcing a few of the knots, giving the thing up in despair. One knows the right end is there, but how to find it through all that hopeless, woolly tangle!"
"Still, you must have learned something about how to wind your skein while you"ve been working through your various enterprises," said Mrs Gildea. She took up one of Bridget"s sketches which were on the table and looked at it thoughtfully.
"This is quite charming, Biddy--if only it wasn"t too fine for reproduction. The block would cost more than the thing is worth."
Biddy made a MOUE. "Oh, I know. Like me isn"t it? Impracticable. But I COULD do you some ill.u.s.trations. I drew Rosamond entertaining the Ministerial Circle last night and showed it to Vereker Wells while we were waiting for breakfast. He nearly died with laughing. I couldn"t have dared to let Luke see it."
"That I can believe. And I should be murdered by the Leichardt"stonians if I allowed it to be published. But if you"d come with me through the Blue Mountains and caricature yourself exploring the Jenolan Caves--like the "Lady of Quality" in the Dolomite Country I could do something with that."
Mrs Gildea alluded to their first and only collaboration as author and artist.
"Yes, I might. We"ll think about it. And if I did perhaps I could make money enough to keep me out here for a year or two travelling about."
Joan Gildea looked up in a startled way from the drawing she had been studying, and asked with some eagerness:
"Biddy, do you really mean that you are thinking of stopping out here for a year or two?"
"I do. I want to shake myself free from the old clogs. I want to be honest with myself and with--with the people who ARE honest with themselves. I"ve always envied you, Joan. Your life is real at least.
You can put your finger on vital pulse beats. I should like to do as you are doing, study and learn from a country that has no traditions, but is making itself. I want to breathe Nature unadulterated--if I could only reach the reality of her. Joan, I have the feeling that if one could go right up to the Bush--far away from the Government House atmosphere and Luke Tallant"s red-tapism and the stupid imitation of our English social shams--well, I think one might touch a more vital set of heart-beats than the heart-beats of civilization."
"You are off civilization, Biddy?"
"Yes I am, I"ve had a horrible time. I was quite reckless and spent far too much on clothes and things--but that"s not what matters--it"s the effect on one"s inner self that matters. And now I"m going through the pangs of revulsion, and just wondering where I can find anything that"s true and satisfying. I believe it may be a kind of birth into a new life--coming out here you know and all the rest."
She stopped, her long golden brown eyes fixed Sphinx-like on Joan, who returned the gaze, but did not answer in words. Biddy went on: "YOUR work is practical--not idealistic. I believe the truth of it all is that the idealists haven"t built up on a practical basis. There"s too much POSE. Joan, I do think it"s only the pinch of starvation that knocks down the ridiculous POSE of people."
"True enough. Your cranks don"t get much beyond POSE.--They think they do, but they don"t."
"Even the ones who believe in themselves--and who are in their way truly sincere. Joan, do you know, there were moments at the meetings I went to of those people--Christian Scientists, and my Spiritual Socialists, and all those philo-factory-girls and tramps, and philo-beasts, and philo-blacks and the rest of it--Moments when a ghastly wonder would come over me whether, if we were all stranded on a desert island with a shortage of food and water, it wouldn"t be a case of fighting for bare existence and of Nature red of tooth and claw."
"True for you, Lady Bridget. I like the way that"s put," broke in a voice from the other side of the veranda railing.
Lady Bridget started and looked round, a sudden flush rushing upon the ivory paleness of her face. If she had not had her back turned to the garden; if she had not left the gate open behind her, and if the wind in the bamboos had not then made a noisy rustling, she would have seen the visitor or heard his steps on the gravel path. Or if she had not been so absorbed in her subject and her cigarette she might have noticed that Mrs Gildea had looked up quickly a minute before and given a mute signal to the intruder not to interrupt the conversation untowardly.
CHAPTER 12
Lady Bridget recovered herself as Colin McKeith mounted the steps and made the two ladies a rather self-conscious salute.
"I suppose you know that"s a quotation," she said.
"Weren"t you a bit out?" he answered, and repeated the phrase. "Excuse my correcting you."
Bridget shrugged.
"Thank you. But I always thought men of action weren"t great readers.
How did you do your reading?"
"Some day--if you care to hear--I"ll tell you."
She looked at him interestedly. "Yes, I should care to hear."
"Not now," put in Mrs Gildea. "You"ve come this morning to tell us about the Gas-Bore at Alexandra City, and, as it"s got to go into my next letter, I shall take some notes. Do look for a comfortable chair, Colin, and you may smoke if you want to."
"This is good enough," and he settled himself after his own fashion at Lady Bridget"s feet with his back against the veranda post and his long legs sprawling over the steps.
Lady Bridget leaned out of the depths of her deep canvas chair and offered him her cigarette case.
He eyed it in amused criticism--the dull gold of the case, and the initials in diamonds, sapphires and rubies set diagonally across it.
"YOUR writing?"
Again the faint pink rose in her paleness.
"No, it"s the writing of the person who gave it to me."
"Was it a man?" he asked bluntly.
Bridget looked at him with slight haughtiness.
"Really, Mr McKeith, I think you are--inquisitive."
"Yes, I am. And I"ve Bush manners--not up to your form. Please excuse my impertinence."
"I don"t mind Bush manners. They"re--rather refreshing sometimes....
But"--again extending and then half-withdrawing her offering hand.
"You"d despise my cigarettes?"