When it"s almost time for school to start, he puts his art project away and then washes his hands. I"m desperate to have things move along a little, if only to figure out what we are. I know I"m trying to play it cool, but playing it cool is overrated. I"m going crazy here.
As we step into the hallway, I make a bold move and wrap my arm around his elbow, and tuck my face against his arm. He doesn"t jerk away or anything, and my whole body lights up in delight. We walk like this the whole way to first period where we have to part ways.
"See you at lunch?" he says.
I can barely talk over how much I"m smiling. "Yep."
Just before the bell rings for lunch, Toby texts me.
Toby: Can you meet me by the fountain by the cafeteria?
Me: Sure Then I text Ashlyn and tell her I"ll be late to lunch and that they shouldn"t wait up on me before they get their food. As soon as the bell rings, I head to the fountain, wondering what he wants to talk to me about. Toby is standing there talking to some guys when I approach. I slow down, not wanting to interfere. It"s fine when he hangs out with my friends, but I"m not exactly ready to dive into the popular crowd with him.
He sees me though, and his face lights up. He waves me over and even though I"m horribly scared to walk into a group of three popular guys, I do it anyway.
"Hey," I say, sounding super lame.
"Lana," Toby says, reaching out for me. His hand wraps around my lower back, sending a warmth throughout my whole body. "I missed you."
I blush from head to freaking toe. His friends offer me polite smiles and Toby introduces us. "Guys, this is Lana."
"Hey," they say in unison. I smile back.
It"s a little awkward, but I still got an introduction which is nice. But it"s not like he said I was his girlfriend or his prom date or anything. I"m just Lana. But that"s better than nothing.
After they leave, Toby turns to me. "You think we could eat lunch alone today?"
"Oh," I say, unable to hide the surprise from my face.
"It"s not anything bad," he says quickly. "I mean I like your friends, I really do. I"ve just had s.h.i.t weekend and my dad is totally on my a.s.s and..." He sighs. "I just kind of want some alone time. With you, of course."
"Sure," I say. "That sounds fun."
"Cool." He grins and slides his arm around me again. "Let"s go."
He steers me toward the opposite side of the cafeteria. "Wait, where are we going? Food is that way."
"Not for us," he says with a chuckle. "We get the special bet-winning treatment, remember?"
He points toward a guy standing near the front office. He is so obviously related to Toby it"s insane. He"s like an older more handsome version of Toby.
"Thanks man," Toby says when his brother hands him two bags of fast food and two drinks.
His brother smiles and leans toward me. "You can do better than my little punk brother," he whispers, winking.
I laugh nervously and Toby rolls his eyes. "Ignore him."
"Thanks for the food," I say while we walk back.
"You"re welcome. Fast food is kind of terrible for you but it"s better than cafeteria food, ya know?"
We head down the hallway and outside to the quad. Toby finds a table that"s far away from anyone else and we sit to eat our food. Once we"re settled and eating, it"s obvious something is wrong with him. He seems so upbeat and friendly when we"re around other people, but as soon as we"re alone, he lets his real feelings show.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
He nods. "Sorry. I know I"m being blah, it"s just been a long weekend."
"Tuxedo shopping was fun though?" I say.
He nods and flashes me a forced smile. "Yeah that was the only fun part," he says with a little laugh. "You were the only good part of my weekend."
And that"s when I make my move. I don"t know what comes over me, really, just that Toby is so very cute and he seems to be having a hard time. I slide over on the bench until our legs are touching and then I grab his chin and pull it toward me.
I kiss him.
Just like that-like it"s as casual as high fiving-I press my lips to his and kiss him. He jumps, and I guess I can"t say I blame him because he wasn"t expecting it. I wasn"t either, and I"m the one who did it. The kiss lasts for three seconds and then I pull away.
"Wow," he says after a few moments of silence.
I force a smile and look back at my food, knowing I"ve made a huge mistake. That was my first real kiss with a real guy I liked and it totally sucked. It wasn"t romantic or s.e.xy and he wasn"t even the one to initiate it.
I feel so freaking stupid.
Chapter 15.
This might be the first time I haven"t immediately told Ashlyn and Bennet about mortifying myself in front of a guy I liked. Usually I rush to them anytime anything embarra.s.sing happens. If it"s particularly bad and it"s kind of a girl thing, I"ll just tell Ashlyn and spare Bennet.
But this time I did nothing.
I kissed Toby and he clearly didn"t want to be kissed. And I haven"t told anyone. I guess some things are so embarra.s.sing they have to stay secrets forever, no matter how much you love your best friends.
Plus, I can already see Bennet"s reaction in my mind. He"d probably laugh at me and tell me that I had it coming for dating someone he doesn"t think I"m good enough to be dating. Ugh.
Toby mysteriously disappears after homeroom, and I don"t blame him. I also don"t look for him after school. When the bell rings, I find Ashlyn outside of the locker room just like always. We walk to Bennet"s car, and although he lifts an eyebrow when he sees me, he doesn"t say anything. I do what I consider Oscar-worthy acting on the ride home. I can"t let them know anything is wrong, so I put on a smile and laugh and their jokes and complain about my science teacher for being a b.i.t.c.h.
The whole thing goes off perfectly, but by the time I get to The Book Attic to work, I"m exhausted from pretending everything is okay.
Aunt Shawna, being the sage older woman she is, knows something is up. She doesn"t say anything but I can tell by the quirk of her eyebrow when I walk in the front door. She knows. Luckily, she"s nice enough to keep it to herself.
She works the front desk while I run around the store, restocking her newest used book purchases. Every time we get three or four of the same book in the teen section, I pull one out to donate to our junior high school library. Two years ago, they had a fire and lost all of their books and there"s no money in the budget to replace them all at once.
I always get excited when we get duplicates at the store of something that"s new and on the best seller list because I know the library will appreciate the donation. I like to think I"m single handedly making some teen"s day when they go to their library and find a great book that I donated to them.
Later, when we"re twenty minutes from closing the shop, all of our customers fade out slowly and it"s just Aunt Shawna and me. "How"s school?" she says while she pulls the hair tie out of her pony tail. She begins twisting her long white hair into a bun that she secures with a pencil. "You ready to graduate?"
I shrug and grab the feather duster under the counter because the shelves behind the register are getting a little dusty. "It"ll be nice to be out of there, but then I have to be a grown up so that"s no fun."
She chuckles. "It doesn"t happen overnight. You have plenty of time to grow into an adult."
I nod and focus on dusting off the little gla.s.s ornaments she keeps back here.
"I had this boyfriend in high school," Aunt Shawna says, her voice sounding distant as she recalls the memory. "We were totally in love."
"Really?" I say, trying not to laugh. "Was it Uncle Michael?"
She smirks and then shakes her head like she"s letting me in on a secret. "Nope. I didn"t meet Mike until I was twenty-one and we got married six months later. Now he was my true love. But back in high school, it was Charles Baxley and I thought I was in love. Head over heels." She narrows her gaze on me and suddenly I realize what she"s doing. She knows I"m upset, she"s figured out it"s probably about a boy and now she"s going to sneakily give me some advice.
I put the duster back and listen because it turns out that I"d love to hear whatever advice she has. Maybe it"ll help me feel like less of an idiot.
Aunt Shawna shrugs a little. "Charles was sweet and very handsome and I thought I loved him. But it wasn"t until I met Mike that I realized the feelings I had for Charles were just teenage feelings. He was my first love, but not my true love. When Mike and I were together, I could tell him anything." She points a bony finger at me. "And I mean anything. I never felt embarra.s.sed to tell him something. It never seemed like he didn"t care, because he did. He listened. You find a man who listens, and you keep him, you hear me? Charles was sweet, but your Uncle Mike-he was my true love. You"ll find one too, honey."
I smile. "Hopefully."
She puts a warm hand on my shoulder and squeezes. "Don"t you worry. Your true love is out there, and you"ll find him. He"ll be the one who listens and who you can truly tell anything to. That"s important, you know."
Even though I knew she was trying to give me advice from the start, I didn"t think it"d be as profound as it is. She makes a really good point about guys. Toby is just a guy under everything. Yeah, he"s super cute and popular and he"s nice to me. But he"s not true love material. There"s no way I"d tell him anything even remotely embarra.s.sing. I wouldn"t tell him my deepest fears or hopes or dreams. I"d feel stupid.
I actually kissed him earlier and haven"t talked to him since. That"s not love. That"s not anything close to it.
Oddly, I feel better now. So what if I humiliated myself in front of Toby? He"s just a guy I"m going to date in high school. One day I"ll meet my version of an Uncle Mike, and he"ll be the guy I can tell stuff to. He"ll listen and he"ll be there for me no matter what.
My heart warms up at the very idea of this mysterious man. In a way, I already have someone like that in my life, a guy I can tell anything to.
"Thanks Aunt Shawna," I say, giving her a genuine smile. "That really helps me feel better."
"Anytime, sweetheart." She gives me this knowing wink and then begins closing down the register.
I head over to the front door and turn the OPEN sign over, then I lock the front door since I leave out the back on each night. I"m feeling better now that I have a plan for my future. Toby might forgive me for this award day, but he probably won"t stick around forever. I need to find a guy I can trust and talk to. A guy like Bennet.
Chapter 16.
Even though I"ve mostly put the stupid kiss out of my mind because I know it won"t make or break my life, I can"t help but feel weird when Toby doesn"t text me at all the next day. I get to school and all the way to lunch and I still haven"t heard from him. I guess I could send him a text, but I can"t bring myself to do it. I"m not even sure what I"d say.
Hey what"s up?
That sounds too...informal. So instead, I play this stupid acting game where I pretend everything is totally normal and fine and I grab a slice of pizza from the cafeteria line and then sit with Ashlyn and Bennet. They both give me a curious look when I sit next with them, which is stupid because I sit with them all the time.
"What?" I say.
"Not sitting with Toby today?" Ashlyn says.
I shrug. "I think he"s busy with something because I haven"t heard from him." Even though I"m pretty sure he is absent on purpose, I pretend to glance around to look for him. "This is my lunch spot, after all."
"Of course it is," Ashlyn says, offering me a kind smile that makes me think she"ll be asking more questions later.
"d.a.m.n," Bennet says with a shrug as he reaches for a French fry. "I hoped you finally realized he"s not the type of guy you want to date."
"And what kind of guy is a guy I"d date?" I snap at him.
He shrugs. "A normal one?"
I roll my eyes. "Toby is normal."
"He"s not even close to normal."
"That"s enough," Ashlyn says, holding out a hand to stop us. "There will be no bickering at the lunch table."
I roll my eyes but we don"t go near the subject again. After lunch, I"m eagerly awaiting homeroom because I"ll see Toby. I need to know what"s going on in his head. Does he hate me now? Is he somehow embarra.s.sed that I kissed him first and maybe he was wanting to make the first move? The not knowing is driving me crazy. I barely pay attention in my cla.s.ses, and when the bell rings for seventh period, I practically fly down the hallways to get to homeroom.
I"m the first one in the cla.s.s and I sit, my head turned toward the door while everyone trickles in. Toby never walks through the door. For the entire half hour cla.s.s, I find myself staring at his empty desk, wondering where he is. But it"s a relief to know that he"s not here. Maybe I"m not being ignored after all.
The revelation that he"s not in school gives me enough courage to text him.
Me:Hey, you"re not in homeroom today. Just checking on you Toby: That"s nice of you. I"m fine, just feeling kind of sick.
Me: I hope you get better soon!
Toby: Me too! Haha I can"t even describe the relief I feel when Toby texts me that he"s just sick. He"s not ignoring me. He didn"t suddenly change schools to get away from me. He"s just sick. I want to burst out laughing in cla.s.s because I feel so relieved.
I don"t have to fake my happiness for the rest of the day. It feels great knowing everything is fine with Toby. After I"d finally got the courage to text him in homeroom, he"s been back to his usual self. We"ve been texting ever since school got out, so much so that even Bennet glared at me from the rear-view mirror in his car as I texted from his backset for the whole drive home.
Ashlyn, Bennet, and me are all sitting on his porch swing after school. Ashlyn is talking a mile a minute about this new girl Bethany. They"ve now upgraded to talking on the phone in addition to texting.
"No video chat or anything," Ashlyn says with a little shrug. "I mean, I want to, but I don"t have the guts to ask her, you know? It might be too soon for that kind of thing."
"I would think video chatting is just like meeting in person," I say. "Maybe she"s not ready for that."
"It"s not the same at all," Bennet says, giving me this look like I"ve gone insane. He shrugs his head to get his hair out of his eyes. "Ash, you totally need to meet this girl soon, before you decide if you like her."