Volume 1: Incident of H City"s Earth-born Fetus
Chapter 3 – "A female director named Li, and she brought with her a gigolo named Zhou."
When Zhang Shun woke up the next day, his brother was standing half-naked in front of the bathroom mirror with his back toward him.
At first, Zhang Shun thought his brother was shaving. The idea shocked him: his brother could grow a beard?! He was actually this down-to-earth?!
However, he soon found that Chu He was just putting on his contact lens. It made him somewhat relieved that his brother was still that same old person that Zhang Shun was familiar with. He didn"t suddenly start to live a secular life just because he spent a night on the same bed as his brother.
"Brother!" Zhang Shun asked, yawning, "Where did you get that girl from last night? She has a pretty hot mouth!"
Chu He picked up the shirt and put it on, replying expressionlessly as he b.u.t.toned up, "This blabbing mouth of yours will eventually be the cause of your death."
Zhang Shun had a merit —— he never short-tempered. Most of the times he would just laugh things off. Everyone around him knew that even though second young master Zhang was a disappointing, hopeless dandy, at least his temper was good. He never bullied others or partic.i.p.ated in those evil deeds. Even if someone were to act against him in his presence, he would at most curse a few times and then forget about it all in five minutes.
He had even less to say when facing his big brother who had been dominating this household. Scratching his head, Zhang Shun sat up lazily and asked, "I"m going to see a master and ask him to guard the house [1]. You got any plans for today? Why don"t you come with me?"
Chu He"s expression changed at once. "Don"t practice those supernatural tricks at home!"
"Aiya —— that Master Fang from Prosperity Street is well-known throughout the Northeast. Our house has already been haunted since last night…"
"Do you think the Feng Shui [2] of a businessman"s residence is something to be tempered with?" Chu He scolded him ruthlessly, "I don"t care whether you go pick up girls or fights, but don"t bring those monks and priests home!"
Zhang Shun curled his lips: "I got it! Okay?"
His brother"s expression finally relaxed. He picked out a thin, black tie from his closet, explaining as he put it on, "A j.a.panese financial group is coming to invest in our city under the cover of a religious visit. It"s said that they"re planning to build a five-star hotel in the Sanlitun Development Zone. Mayor Huang specifically requested our company to show up and welcome them, so I probably won"t be back for dinner tonight."
The last sentence stirred up a lot of emotions. Zhang Shun thought about how it had been a long time since their last dinner together. Just as he was about to say something like "I won"t go have fun tomorrow night and let"s have dinner together at home", he saw his brother picking up the blazer and exiting, his steps steady and elegant, not even leaving a "bye" behind.
"…" Zhang Shun said, "I really shouldn"t have slapped myself in the face like that."
***
Zhang Shun yawned his way down for breakfast. After a frivolous little chat with the old butler and flirting a bit with the new maid, he cast the silver to the side and sauntered out in his newly bought Ferrari.
Even though he had promised his brother to not practice anything superst.i.tious at home, he wasn"t serious about it. In fact, he had already made up his mind to invite an "expert" home to take a good look at its Feng Shui. Lately, he had this feeling that something weird was going on with the house: quite a few lucky goldfish they kept in the foreyard pond died in a row; a rumor circulated among the servants that a white shadow was spotted several times in the hallway; and that spooky warehouse in the backyard —— even the old butler once told him in private that he had heard ghosts wailing inside. The sound was so creepy that even those German wolfhounds guarding the house stopped barking.
Nowadays, there were two types of people that were the most superst.i.tious: the first ones were the rich businessmen, and the second, intellectuals. It was true that second young master Zhang was a dandy, but he actually studied hard while he was in school. Under the painful efforts of his numerous top-cla.s.s teachers and private tutors, he successfully got into a national key university, and after graduating, he was able to obtain another master"s degree from his grandparents living abroad —— not the kind that you could buy with money, but a solid master"s degree from a bada.s.s foreign university. It was a university which he got in through his own efforts and finally graduated after pulling many all-nighters writing up essays. Had his father not been so seriously ill that he had to give up his studies and return to China, he could have gotten a bada.s.s doctoral degree by now.
Therefore, second young master Zhang belonged to both types, and hence he was particularly interested in these supernatural things.
On his way, Zhang Shun called one of his faithful fair-weather pals, the city"s governor, Mayor Huang"s nephew, Huang Pian, and asked straightforwardly, "h.e.l.lo? p.o.r.no [3]? Which little la.s.s" bed are you curling up on? Hurry! Get out! We"ve got some serious business."
Huang Pian replied angrily, "You"d better be talking about yourself! I had drink with those b.a.s.t.a.r.ds from the environmental bureau all night! What do you want? Say it or I"m going to hang up!"
"Ayyyyyy —— wait, wait, don"t hang up yet! Let me ask you, that Master Fang you said you were going to introduce to me, is he still available for a drop-in today?"
"Why?"
"Important business." Zhang Shun said in a serious tone, "My house is haunted. I want to invite him over for a monster [4] hunt."
Huang Pian was going to hang up and go back to sleep, but what Zhang Shun said suddenly got him excited: "Monster hunt? What monster hunt?"
Hence, holding the phone with one hand and steering the wheel with the other, Zhang Shun briefly narrated the thrilling scene from last night. Huang Pian clicked his tongue as he listened. After confirming several times that it wasn"t just a nightmare or a prank to scare him, he stressed the necessity of his presence on such an event and promised to pick up Master Fang right now to join him.
"But doesn"t your brother hate monks and priests the most?" asked Huang Pian. "You sure he has a dinner appointment tonight? I can"t lose face like that if he suddenly comes back and embarra.s.ses Master Fang."
Zhang Shun rea.s.sured him, "Trust me, p.o.r.no. My brother is going with your uncle tonight to deal with the j.a.panese investors —— he won"t be back until midnight. Let"s get it done quickly, otherwise I"ll be too scared to even sleep in my own home!"
Huang Pian was p.i.s.sed: "Don"t call me by my nickname!"
***
Chu He"s eye had been twitching [5] this entire afternoon, but no matter how many times he divined, he couldn"t tell what was about to happen.
He had no idea that the incompetent little brother of his, who always screwed up more than he could achieve , had already thrown Chu He"s warning from the morning to the back of his head.
A clerk led him to the sofa in the secretary"s office. The secretary brought over a fruit plate and some first-cla.s.s cigarettes himself, then made him a pot of top-grade Tie Guan Yin [6] which only government officials could get ahold of. With a big smile on his face, he asked, "Mayor Huang knew that you were coming. It"s just that he"s in the middle of a telephone meeting right now. Why don"t you take a seat and rest while I go check on how long it"s going to take?"
Chu He nodded in silence. Soon, the secretary returned with a somewhat baffled expression. "Mayor Huang asks you go in quickly."
Chu He could pretty much guess what had happened, but he made no comments about it. He just nodded, pushed the heavy wooden door open, and walked straight into the office.
The mayor"s office was one of those standard government-kind suites with a small parlor on the outside and a study on the inside. Chu He closed the door behind him, shutting out the secretary"s curious gaze, and walked around the wide office desk to the other side. Behind it, a fat, sleek yellow weasel was wiggling painfully on the ground while holding its neck with both claws.
"Chi-chicken bone in my throat…" Mayor Huang rolled his eyes back in desperation, "Hurry, help me get it out——"
Chu He: "…"
Chu He nimbly turned the weasel over and sat on its back astride. Holding its fuzzy nape with one hand, he gave it a heavy thump with his elbow. Together with a crisp crack, the chicken bone spurted out the weasel"s mouth.
"Cough cough cough! Cough cough cough cough cough cough cough!" The weasel produced a stream of coughs and resumed its human form, his fat belly spreading out on the floor. He asked Chu He with teary eyes, "You… do you have to be so violent every time?"
"…" Chu He said, "Stay away from me, Fatty."
Mayor Huang immediately rolled up to his feet with an unimaginable speed for an obese person. Tucking his tail into his pants, he retorted solemnly, "Don"t call me by my nickname! —— Besides, I"m not fat. I"m just well-developed!"
There were a lot of benefits with a weasel as the local governor. In Mayor Huang"s opinion, if a human were in his position, you couldn"t even guess how corrupt they could possibly be; but with him, two chickens per day was all it took.
Surely, there were cons as well. For example, his secretary could often smell a strange aroma of fried chicken in the mayor"s office , and sometimes there would be bloodstained chicken feathers on the ground which had come out of nowhere.
But in spite of these problems, local citizens could go on forever telling you about the advantages of having Mayor Huang. Like that time when bird flu broke out in the north, Mayor Huang smacked his table in a rage and told the Health Commission to conduct a thorough investigation, successfully ensuring the safety and hygiene standards of the city"s poultry industry in no time. Or that other time when waste oil [7] was being widely used by restaurants, Mayor Huang immediately enforced an investigation on the subject. To prevent officials from related departments from covering up for each other, he even took the risk onto himself and spent days squatting on curbs as he personally sampled the fried chicken from street vendors.
Probably due to his good reputation as a governor, the Central Monster Regulatory Committee (CMRC) turned a blind eye to Mayor Huang —— they didn"t transfer or demote him for several years, yet they didn"t support him either.
Mayor Huang was quite complacent about it, feeling that he had brought honor to his ancestors since he was able to make himself pleasing to the eyes of humans despite being a monster.
And regarding this matter, Chu He crushed his illusion like this:
"Stop daydreaming. You can probably end up with a football team if you count the number of people in the civil service system from Mount Mao [8]. There"s even a special office in National Security Bureau that mostly consists of zombies. Who has time for a small-fry mayor like you?"
"…I"m a local governor at least. Save me some face, alright?!"
Mayor Huang, the local governor, carried his enormously large body into the Hongqi sedan [9]. Because he occupied too much s.p.a.ce, Chu He could barely fasten his seat belt. It took him a lot of effort before he was finally able to fish out the buckle under Mayor Huang"s big fat b.u.t.t. "…Lao-Huang [10], you really need to lose weight."
"Do you know that I"ve lost five pounds this week?!" Mayor Huang complained with a bitter face, "Ever since they heard that Aida Finance from j.a.pan was going to invest in our little town, the provincial office kept sending people down here to ruffle it up. It"s messing with my appet.i.te and my sleeping schedule — my anemia and psychasthenia are coming back!"
Chu He took a deep breath. He felt his way to buckle the seat belt and then finally breathed it out.
“Even the CMRC never complaints about me, why does the provincial office dislike me so much? Do they know that I"m a weasel? Surely they don"t! —— Is it still about me seizing the position of mayor from the hands of that b.a.s.t.a.r.d Lao-Wu? But he kicked his own a.s.s on that one! It was true that the earthquake had something to do with the collapse of the overpa.s.s downtown, but the main cause was still Lao-Wu and those old pimps getting too many kickbacks from the developers! If I hadn"t made that decisive decision and fetched you from Jinmao Tower to hold the scene, once the cement foundation collapsed, the few hundred or so people on that road would have all died…”
Mayor Huang easily fished out a wax paper wrap next to his seat, took out a chicken bone, and started gnawing on it.
“It was not easy for our city to grow from a little country town to its current size. Now that we are finally able to attract some foreign investments, as the mayor, I couldn"t sleep for three days because of the excitement! Even talking about it makes me tear up! Not only did they show no signs of support or praise, they even sent people here to b.u.t.t in! They must have lost their conscience to dogs! Isn"t it all about that Lao-Wu whom I kicked out that was a relative of theirs? ——They even tried to get into contact with the investor behind my back. Luckily, I found out about it early. If they really p.i.s.s me off, I"m going to kill them with a fart!”
Chu He"s mouth twitched instinctively.
"Who did they send?"
"Someone from the international visitors office, as I was told," said Mayor Huang. "A female director named Li, and she brought with her a gigolo named Zhou along with a few clerks. Hehe, actually, they wanted to come with us today to meet the investor, but I sent someone and got them drunk at lunch, then left them in the hotel…"
The j.a.panese investor arrived last night and they had already held a reception for him. Mayor Huang"s original plan was to arrange a sightseeing tour today to showcase the now thriving city. They could then go to a sauna at night and take the relationship one step further. However, the j.a.panese side was rather efficient and asked to head directly to the development zone in outer city to look at the site. They wanted to decide the location for the construction site as soon as possible.
Mayor Huang had no reason to go against it —— the faster they could nail down the deal, the sooner he would be relieved from the thought of other people also coveting this cash cow which happened drop into his lap.
"A foreign investment of 3.5 billion! Maybe they"ll even build a large recreation center around it after they"re done with the hotel." Fatty Huang wiped his greasy mouth after finishing the chicken bone, then patted Chu He on the shoulder with an extremely solemn expression: "It"s not like I don"t think the best for you, Boss Chu. If we can nail down this project, from today on, I"ll treat you like my real grandpa!"
"…" Chu He said, "Please don"t."
As they were talking, the car had already pulled in to the entrance of the Outer City Development Center. This place was already some distance off the main road and surrounded by a vast expanse of empty land. Save for the temporary Exhibition Center which was built during the planning phase of the construction, the only buildings around were several hospitals and middle schools in the far distance. Next to it was a development zone taken by some real estate contractor. They had just set up the scaffolds, and the ground was still b.u.mpy.
Surprisingly, the j.a.panese investor was already here. He stood next to the wire netting around the clearing, surrounded by a group of people, and seemed to be looking at something. He didn"t even notice that a car had stopped.
Mayor Huang got off the car, his belly following along as he thrust his chest forward. He waved at them with a powerful greeting, "Hey——"
Everyone jerked their head back at the same time.
In the next second, the director of the Exhibition Center, taking advantage of his nimble figure, pushed his way through the crowd and rushed over first. "Mayor Huang! Mayor Huang! Bad news! We"ve got an accident!”
He grabbed Fatty Huang at once, his entire body trembling all over: "Someone…someone jumped off the building!"
Mayor Huang: "Huh?!"
Chu He immediately got out of the car. The director was obviously horrified, as he was shaking non-stop in such a hot weather. Bean-sized sweat drops trickled down his eyebrows, but he didn"t even care to wipe them away. "That place —— that construction site next to us, someone just jumped off the top of it. I-I-I-I saw him get crushed into a big smudge! We just called the police. Mayor, you"re finally here. Wh-wh-wh-what should we do…"
Mayor Huang asked again, “What did you just say?!”
"The person who jumped off was my translator." A man in an exquisite gray suit stepped out from the crowd. He reached out to shake hands with Mayor Huang, then politely asked in awkward Chinese, "My translator said he needed to use the bathroom, but a few minutes later, he suddenly jumped off the building in front of everyone."
The entire scene was in chaos. Mayor Huang wiped his sweat away, smiling apologetically as he shook the man"s hand while turning his head and whispering to Chu He, "This is Mr. Aida Tadashi, the man currently in charge of Aida Finance…" At the same time, he had to force himself to stay composed and a.s.sure the crowd, "Calm down! Everyone calm down! The police will be here soon. No one is allowed to touch the scene!"
Chu He"s eyes pa.s.sed through the crowd and fell straight onto the construction site. After a short moment, he withdrew his gaze and then fixed it on a young man dressed in long white robe amongst the j.a.panese.
The youth was about eighteen years old with a pretty face and a loose gown. He was standing behind Aida Tadashi in such a submissive and quiet manner that he almost appeared to be invisible.
Yet in Chu He"s eyes, his presence was rather distinct —— he was wearing a kariginu [11].
The youth was an onmyouji [12].
Probably because he had noticed Chu He"s gaze, Aida Tadashi nodded politely, pointing at the youth as he introduced him, "This is my nephew. He knows a little bit about monster hunting and exorcising, so I brought him with me to help survey the Feng Shui around here and select a suitable site for the project."
After he finished, he gave a few meaningful pats on Mayor Huang"s fleshy shoulder and laughed, "——My nephew"s temper is good. He"s not going to take advantage of his talent and act rashly. Mayor Huang, you"ve got nothing to worry about, hahahaha!"
The other people were still confused and didn"t really understand, but Mayor Huang"s expression changed almost instantly.
"That…that was funny, Mr. Aida." Sweat-beads the size of soybeans rolled down the weasel"s pudgy face. He could hardly keep his smile, "Haha… —— I can tell that your nephew must be a promising young talent….haha…ha ——"
The young onmyouji stepped forward and, under Mayor Huang"s almost frightened gaze, bowed reverently. There as a natural softness to his voice: "Nice to meet you, Mr. Huang. My name is Lan Yu."
He then turned to Chu He. At that instant, as if he had sensed some kind of danger, his pupils slightly dilated then contracted again.
"…" The young onmyouji put his left thumb in the hollow of his right palm, then locked both hands with each other, the back of his hands facing outward. With his knees half-bent, he greeted Chu He with a special salute among sorcerers [13]: "It"s my pleasure to see you. Please take good care of me."
Translator"s Notes:
[1] Guard the house: Performing some kind of ritual to keep the house away from evil spirits, monsters, and etc..
[2] Feng Shui: geomancy, how the geological position of a place, its surrounding environment, and the lay out of furniture affects the fortune of the people living there. (For example, it"s generally considered bad to have your house"s front entrance face a three-way intersection, or to have your bed face a mirror.)
[3] p.o.r.no: Huang Pian"s nickname, because the p.r.o.nunciation of his name is exactly the same as the word for p.o.r.n.
[4] Monster: Just to clarify, the word "monster" in this novel refers to animals that have cultivated into human form. The same goes for "spirit", but spirit may also be used for plants/objects which have cultivated into human forms.
[5] Eyes twitching: It is believed to be an omen of something good (left eye) or bad (right eye) is about to happen.
[6] Tie Guan Yin: A kind of green tea.
[7] Waste Oil: An actual event in China where used/waste oil were collected from the gutters and the sewer system. They were re-processed and sold back to restaurants with a cheap price.
[8] Mount Mao: A Daoist mountain in China. The Daoist priests there are famous for exercises related to monster hunting and exorcism.
[9] Hongqi: A Chinese auto brand.
[10] Lao-Huang: An intimate way to call an old friend. Literally means "Old Huang".
[11] Kariginu: Traditional j.a.panese costume worn by people working in shrines, who serves as an intermediate between G.o.ds and humans.
[12] Onmyouji: Pract.i.tioners of a traditional j.a.panese esoteric cosmology that is based on Chinese philosophies of the Five Elements and Yin-Yang. They also deal with monsters and other supernatural beings.
[13] Sorcerer: In this novel I will use "sorcerer" to refer to Shu Shi, people who use spells and charms.