"You surprise me, Alister. I think I actually took you unawares. You didn"t even hear me approach, did you?"
"You"re learning to shield quite well," Camber smiled, relaxing. "I"m sorry. I was- preoccupied."
"So I gathered."
Cinhil glanced up at the statue towering above them and raised a wistful eyebrow, then looked back at Camber. His manner had become more serious, the gray eyes darker in the few seconds since he had knelt. Camber wondered what had brought him here at this hour, and in the falling snow. He suspected he knew.
"Tell me, do you still doubt him, too?" Cinhil asked, his voice hardly more than a whisper.
Camber averted his eyes thoughtfully, suspicions confirmed, painfully aware that this was the one area in which he could not be open with the king.
"What does it really matter?" he answered. "His cult exists. No one can deny the positive effects his followers are exerting on Gwynedd. Perhaps that is the true criterion for sainthood, after all."
Cinhil thought about that for a moment, then nodded slowly. "You may be right. And yet, there"s something more to it than that. At times, I-G.o.d help me, Alister, I almost think I feel his presence, as if he-still wanted me to do something, only I don"t know what it is."
He looked down in embarra.s.sment. "That sounds totally irrational, doesn"t it?"
"Not necessarily," Camber replied, a little amused at the double truth which Cinhil had unwittingly spoken. "But what does your heart say to you? Never mind your reason."
Cinhil gave a little sigh and shrugged. "I don"t know. I"ve even tried to ask him. That night that he-saved you, I-came here to the cathedral and tried to pray beside his bier. I stormed the heavens; I demanded that he tell me what he was doing, what he wanted of me-but he never answered. He still hasn"t."
"If he did, how do you think you would know?" Camber asked softly. He almost held his breath, waiting, for Cinhil"s answer would tell him much about how he must proceed in the times ahead.
With another sigh, Cinhil sat back on his heels and gazed up at the statue of the saint in question. He thought in silence for so long that Camber had about decided that he was not going to answer. Then Cinhil shook his head and glanced at Camber.
"I"m not sure I can answer that," he finally said. "In the simplicity of what I used to believe, when I was only a simple, cloistered priest, spending my days in prayer, I suppose I would have expected-oh, I don"t know-perhaps a vision or a dream, such as Guaire experienced. I"ve tried to let something like that happen-believe me, I have, Alister-but nothing has. Besides, after all that"s happened in these past two years, I"m not sure that would suffice any more. I don"t know what would."
"Well, perhaps that is too simplistic an expectation." Camber said after a moment. "I suspect that as we become more sophisticated in our view of the world, we tend to become more demanding too. We want more rational rea.s.surances, when what we need is a reawakening of that childlike wonder that we all once had: that awesome ability to see the miracles in every waking moment, to believe what our senses tell us we see, to hear G.o.d"s voice speaking in His people and then: deeds."
"And through His saints?" Cinhil asked cynically, glancing up at the statue once again.
"Perhaps. Perhaps that"s even sufficient for most men. But as we grow and change, perhaps He changes His way of reaching into us, as well. Maybe for you, a Saint Camber isn"t necessary. All of the bitterness aside, you have a job to do now, and you"re learning to do it well, whether or not any saint continues to be a guiding factor in your life. Your conscience will tell you whether you"re doing His will. Perhaps that"s another language G.o.d speaks, after a time."
"Is my conscience G.o.d, then?" Cinhil grinned. "Blasphemy, Bishop, blasphemy!"
"You know that"s not what I mean," Camber chuckled, getting to his feet. "But come. "Tis too late and too cold to continue this philosophical discourse tonight. Over breakfast tomorrow, if you insist, but I, for one, am tired of talking about our friend Camber."
As he gestured toward the statue, Cinhil also stood, and together they made their way to the doorway of the chapel, where Cinhil paused to look back a final time.
"You know," the king said, as they walked on toward the northern door, where a guard waited with his horse, "I think I"ve realized something tonight, after all."
"Oh?"
"Yes. I think I"ve learned that I can let him be. Mind you, I haven"t forgotten or forgiven what he did to me. That will take a while, if it ever happens. But I think I can cope with what he"s become. The saint back there in that chapel is not the man I feared and respected."
Camber smiled as he held the door for Cinhil to pa.s.s through into the snow.
"Then, you"ve learned a great deal, Sire," he said softly, tempering his next words for the waiting guard. "Shall I come to you early, then, to celebrate Ma.s.s? Afterwards, we can continue our discussion over breakfast-or whenever you would like."
Cinhil nodded casually enough, but Camber knew that he, too, was seeing in his mind"s eye that beloved trunk full of vestments, that he was appreciating Cullen for his recognition of that bond and secret which the two of them shared. Falling snow sputtered in the torch the guard held as Cinhil swung up on his horse, the fire making his eyes glitter in the darkness.
"That would be fine," he said, raising a hand in salute. "G.o.d bless you, Bishop Cullen."
"And G.o.d bless you, Sire," said Camber of Culdi, as the king moved away in his glowing sphere of torchlight.
(Camber"s story will be concluded in the third volume of the legends of Camber, Camber the Heretic.)
APPENDICES.
APPENDIX I.
INDEX OF CHARACTERS.
ALFRED, Father-Cinhil"s human confessor. ALISTER CULLEN, Father-see Cullen.
ALLYN, Crevan-Alister Cullen"s successor as Vicar General of the Order of Saint Michael; human.
ALROY, Prince-infant son and heir of King Cinhil, twin to Javan; in poor health.
ANDREW-farrier at Grecotha.
ANSCOM of Trevas, Archbishop-Deryni Primate of All Gwynedd; Archbishop of Valoret.
ANSEL MacRorie, Lord-younger son of Cathan; age five.
ARIELLA of Festil, Princess-elder sister of the former King Imre and mother of his son, Mark.
BAYVEL de Cameron, Lord-uncle of Queen Megan.
BENEDICT-King Cinhil"s name in religion.
BEREN, Sir-a Michaeline knight.
CAMBER Kyriell MacRorie, Lord-Earl of Culdi: canonized as Saint Camber in 906; Defensor Hominum and patron of Deryni magic.
CAMERON-family name of Queen Megan.
CATHAN MacRorie, Lord-Camber"s eldest son and heir; murdered by Imre in 903.
CHARLES, Brother-a Servant of Saint Camber; formerly a baker in village at Caerrorie.
CINHIL Donal Ifor Haldane, King-restored King of Gwynedd; formerly a priest of the Ordo Verbi Dei under the name of Benedict; kidnapped from his monastery by Joram and Rhys.
COEL Howell, Lord-brother of Elinor, Cathan"s wife; member of Imre"s council; executed by King Cinhil in 905.
CRINAN-Cathan"s squire; doubled for Rhys under, a shape-changing spell.
CULLEN, Father Alister-Deryni Vicar General of the Order of Saint Michael; later, Bishop of Grecotha and Chancellor of Gwynedd.
DAVET, Bishop-one of Gwynedd"s six itinerant bishops.
DAVIN MacRorie, Lord-elder son of Cathan; age seven; Earl of Culdi after his grandfather"s death.
DERMOT O"Beirne, Bishop-human Bishop of Cashien, in west Gwynedd.
DOTHAN of Erne, Lord-former Festillic minister imprisoned by Cinhil for trial; son and daughter killed in a.s.sa.s.sination attempt on Cinhil.
DUALTA Jarriot, Lord-a Michaeline knight ELINOR MacRorie, Lady-widow of Cathan; mother of Davin and Ansel; later, wife to James Drummond.
EMRYS, Dom-Deryni adept and Abbot of the Order of Saint Gabriel.
EUSTACE of Fairleigh Bishop-one of Gwynedd"s six itinerant bishops; human.
EVATNE MacRorie Thuryn, Lady-daughter of Camber and wife to Rhys.
EWAN, Lord-eldest son of Duke Sighere; later, Earl of Rhendall.
FINTAN, Lord-human earl on Cinhil"s council.
GABRRLITES-priests of the Order of Saint Gabriel, an all-Deryni esoteric order based at Saint Neot"s, in the south Lendour mountains; especially noted for training Healers.
GELLIS de Cleary, Father-acting Precentor of the Order of Saint Michael.
GUAIRE of Arliss, Lord-friend of Cathan; former aide to Camber and Cullen; finally, a founding Servant of Saint Camber.
HALDANE-surname of the ancient royal family of Gwynedd.
HILDRED, Lord-human baron on Cinhil"s council; expert on horses.
HOWELL, Coel-see Coel.
HOWICCAN, Pargan-cla.s.sic Deryni lyric poet.
HRORIK, Lord-middle son of Duke Sighere; later, Earl of Eastmarch.
HUMPHREY of Gallareaux, Father-dead Michaeline priest responsible for death of Cinhil"s firstborn son, Prince Aidan.
ILLAN, Lord-a Michaeline knight.
IMRE, King-fifth Festillic King of Gwynedd, reigned 900-904; died after defeat by Cinhil.
JAFFRAY of Carbury, Archbishop-successor to Anscom as Archbishop of Valoret; Deryni and former Gabrilite.
JAVAN, Prince-infant son of King Cinhil, twin to Alroy; born with a clubfoot.
JAMES Drummond, Lord-grand-nephew of Camber; former suitor to Elinor and later her second husband.
JASPER Miller, Father-a Michaeline priest.
JEBEDIAH of Alcara, Lord-Deryni Grand Master of the Order of Saint Michael; later, Earl Marshal of Gwynedd.
JOHANNES, Brother-lay Michaeline monk, servant of Vicar General Alister Cullen.
JOHN-factor who bought Dolban for the Servants of Saint Camber.
JOHN, Brother-an alias of Evaine.
JORAM MacRorie, Father-youngest son of Camber; priest and knight of the Order of Saint Michael; later, confidential secretary to Bishop Alister Cullen.
JOWERTH Leslie, Lord-formerly a Festillic minister; Deryni; now on Cinhil"s staff.
KAI, Bishop-one of Gwynedd"s six itinerant bishops. KYRDELL-Camber"s name in religion. LAUREN, Sir-a Michaeline knight.
MacGREGOR, Bishop Ailin-one of Gwynedd"s six itinerant bishops.
MacRORIE-surname of Camber"s family.
MARK of Festil-infant son of Imre and Ariella and carrier of the Festillic line in Torenth after his parents" deaths.
MEGAN, Queen-wife to Cinhil; mother of Alroy, Javan, and Rhys Haldane; formerly Camber"s ward.
MICHAELINES-priests and knights of the Order of Saint Michael, a militant fighting and teaching order, predominantly Deryni.
MURDOCH, Baron-human Baron of Caithane, of an ancient human family in power before the Festillic Interregnum.
NATHAN, Father-a Michaeline priest NIALLAN Trey, Bishop-Deryni Bishop of Dha.s.sa; for-merely of the Order of Saint Michael.
NIMUR, King-Deryni King of Torenth; connected to the Festils of Gwynedd through the female line.
ORIN-Deryni mystic and magician; author of the Protocol of Orin, a collection of four scrolls containing extremely potent spells of Deryni magic.
ORISS, Father Robert-human Vicar General of the Ordo Verbi Dei; boyhood friend of Anscom of Trevas; later, Archbishop of Rhemuth.
PORRIC Lunal, Father-a priest of the Order of Saint Michael and a candidate to succeed Alister Cullen as Vicar General.
QUERON Kinevan, Dom-Deryni Healer-priest, originally of the Order of Saint Gabriel; a founding Servant of Saint Camber.
RAYMOND, Bishop-former Prince-Bishop of Dha.s.sa and maternal uncle of Alister Cullen, whom he ordained.
REVAN-lame former carpenter"s apprentice saved by Cathan; now a dark to Evaine.
RHYS Thuryn, Lord-Deryni physician and Healer; developer of the Thuryn technique of concentration; husband of Evaine and son-in-law to Camber.
SIGHERE, Duke-former independent Earl of East-march; later, first Duke of Claibourne.