Breakfast had been some time over, when the roll of carriage wheels and a loud ring at the door, announced the arrival of Mr. Graham, who, true to his appointment with Durward, had come up to meet him, accompanied by Mrs. Graham. This lady, who could boast of having once been the bride of an English lord, to say nothing of belonging to the "very first family of Virginia," was a sort of bugbear to Mrs. Livingstone, who, haughty and overbearing to her equals, was nevertheless cringing and cowardly in the presence of those whom she considered her superiors. Never having seen Mrs. Graham, her ideas concerning her were quite elevated, and now when she came unexpectedly, it quite overcame her. Unfortunately, too, she was this morning suffering from a nervous headache, the result of the excitement and late hours of the night before, and on learning that Mrs. Graham was in the parlor, she fell back in her rocking-chair, and between a groan and a sigh, declared her utter inability to see her at present, saying that Carrie must play the part of hostess until such time as she felt composed enough to undertake it.
"Oh, I can"t--I _shan"t_--that ends it!" said Carrie, who, though a good deal dressed on Durward"s account, still felt anxious to give a few more finishing touches to her toilet, and to see if her hair and complexion were all right, ere she ventured into the august presence ef her "mother-in-law elect," as she confidently considered Mrs. Graham.
"Anna must go, then," persisted Mrs. Livingstone, who knew full well how useless it would be to press Carrie farther. "Anna must go--where is she? Call her, "Lena."
But Anna was away over the fields, enjoying with Mr. Everett a walk which had been planned the night previous, and when "Lena returned with the intelligence that she was nowhere to be found, her aunt in great distress exclaimed, "Mercy me! what will Mrs. Graham think--and Mr. Livingstone, too, keeps running back and forth for somebody to entertain her. What shall I do! I can"t go in looking so yellow and jaded as I now do!"
"Lena"s first thought was to bring her aunt"s powderball, as the surest way of remedying the yellow skin, but knowing that such an act would be deeply resented, she quickly repressed the idea, offering instead to go herself to the parlor.
"You! What could you say to her?" returned Mrs. Livingstone, to whom the proposition was not altogether displeasing.
"I can at least answer her questions," returned "Lena and after a moment her aunt consented, wondering the while how "Lena, in her plain gingham wrapper and linen collar, could be willing to meet the fashionable Mrs. Graham.
"But then," thought she, "she has so little sensibility, I don"t s"pose she cares! and why should she? Mrs. Graham will of course look upon her as only a little above a servant"--and with this complimentary reflection upon her niece, Mrs. Livingstone retired to her dressing-room, while "Lena, with a beating heart and slightly heightened color, repaired to the parlor.
On a sofa by the window sat Mrs. Graham, and the moment "Lena"s eye fell upon her, her fears vanished, while she could hardly repress a smile at the idea of being afraid of her. She was a short, dumpy, florid looking woman, showily, and as "Lena thought, overdressed for morning, as her person was covered with jewelry, which flashed and sparkled with every movement. Her forehead was very low, and marked by a scowl of discontent which was habitual, for with everything to make her happy, Mrs. Graham was far from being so. Exceedingly nervous and fidgety, she was apt to see only the darker side, and when her husband and son, who were of exactly opposite temperaments, strove to laugh her into good spirits, they generally made the matter worse, as she usually reproached them with having no feeling or sympathy for her.
Accustomed to a great deal of attention, she had fretted herself into quite a fever at Mrs. Livingstone"s apparent lack of courtesy in not hastening to receive her, and when "Lena"s light step was heard in the hall, she turned toward the door with a frown which seemed to ask why she had not come sooner. Durward, who was present immediately introduced his mother, at the same time admiring the extreme dignity of "Lena"s manner as she received the lady"s greeting, apologizing for her aunt"s non-appearance, saying "she was suffering from a severe headache, and begged to be excused for an hour or so."
"Quite excusable," returned Mrs. Graham, at the same time saying something in a low tone about it"s not being her wish to stop there so early, as she knew she was not expected.
"But perfectly welcome, nevertheless," "Lena hastened to say, thinking that for the time being the reputation of her uncle"s house was resting upon her shoulders.
"I dare say," was Mrs. Graham"s ungracious answer, and then her little gray, deep-set eyes rested upon "Lena, wondering if she were "a governess or what?" and thinking it strange that she should seem so perfectly self-possessed.
Insensibly, too, "Lena"s manner won upon her, for spite of her fretfulness, Mrs. Graham at heart was a kindly disposed woman. Ill health and long years of dissipation had helped to make her what she was. Besides this, she was not quite happy in her domestic relations, for though Mr. Graham possessed all the requisites of a kind and affectionate husband, he could not remove from her mind the belief that he liked others better then he did herself! "Twas in vain that he alternately laughed at and reasoned with her on the subject. She was not to be convinced, and so poor Mr. Graham, who was really exceedingly polite and affable to the ladies, was almost constantly provoking the green-eyed monster by his attentions to some one of the fair s.e.x. In spite of his nightly "Caudle" lectures, he would transgress again and again, until his wife"s patience was exhausted, and now she affected to have given him up, turning for comfort and affection toward Durward, who was her special delight, "the very apple of her eye--he was so much like his father, Sir Arthur, who during the whole year that she lived with him had never once given her cause for jealousy."
Just before "Lena entered the parlor Mr. Graham, had for a moment stepped out with Mr. Livingstone, but soon returning, he, too, was introduced to the young lady. It was strange, considering "Lena"s uncommon beauty, that Mrs. Graham did not watch her husband"s manner, but for once in her life she felt no fears, and looking from the window, she failed to note the sudden pallor which overspread his face when Mr. Livingstone presented to him "Miss Rivers--my niece."
Mr. Graham was a tall, finely-formed man, with a broad, good-humored face, whose expression instantly demanded respect from strangers, while his pleasant, affable deportment universally won the friendship of ail who knew him. And "Lena was not an exception to the general rule, for the moment his warm hand grasped hers and his kindly beaming eye rested upon her, her heart went toward him as a friend, while she wondered why he looked at her so long and earnestly, twice repeating her name--"Miss Rivers--Rivers."
From the first, "Lena had recognized him as the same gentleman whom Durward had called father in the cars years ago, and when, as if to apologize for his singular conduct, he asked if they had never met before, she referred him to that time, saying "she thought it strange that he should remember her."
"Old acquaintances--ah--indeed !" and little Mrs. Graham nodded and fanned, while her round, florid face grew more florid, and her linen cambric went up to her forehead as if trying to smooth out the scowl which was of too long standing to be smoothed.
"Yes, my dear," said Mr. Graham, turning toward his wife, "I had entirely forgotten the circ.u.mstance, but it seems I saw her in the cars when we took our eastern tour six or seven years ago. You were quite a little girl then"--turning to "Lena.
"Only ten," was the reply, and Mrs. Graham, ashamed of herself and anxious to make amends, softened considerable toward "Lena, asking "how long she had lived in Kentucky--where she used to live--and where her mother was."
At this question, Mr. Graham, who was talking with Mr. Livingstone, suddenly stopped.
"My mother is dead," answered "Lena.
"And your father?"
"Gone to Canada!" interrupted Durward, who had heard vague rumors of "Lena"s parentage, and who did not quite like his mother"s being so inquisitive.
Mrs. Graham laughed; she always did at whatever Durward said; while Mr. Graham replied to a remark made by Mr. Livingstone some time before. Here John Jr. appeared, and after being formally introduced, he seated himself by his cousin, addressing to her some trivial remark, and calling her "Lena. It was well for Mr. Graham"s after peace that his wife was just then too much engrossed with Durward to observe the effect which that name produced upon him.
Abruptly rising he turned toward Mr. Livingstone, saying, "You were telling me about a fine species of cactus which you have in your yard--suppose we go and see it."
The cactus having been duly examined, praised, and commented upon, Mr. Graham casually remarked, "Your niece is a fine-looking girl--"Lena, I think your son called her?"
"Yes, or Helena, which was her mother"s name."
"And her mother was your sister, Helena Livingstone?"
"No, sir, Nichols. I changed my name to gratify a fancy of my wife," returned Mr. Livingstone, thinking it better to tell the truth at once.
Again Mr. Graham bent over the cactus, inspecting it minutely, and keeping his face for a long time concealed from his friend, whose thoughts, as was usually the case when his sister was mentioned, were far back in the past. When at last Mr. Graham lifted his head there were no traces of the stormy emotions which had shaken his very heart-strings, and with a firm, composed step he walked back to the parlor, where he found both Mrs. Livingstone and Carrie just paying their respects to his lady.
Nothing could be more marked than the difference between Carrie"s and "Lena"s manner toward Mrs. Graham. Even Durward noticed it, and while he could not sufficiently admire the quiet self-possession of the latter, who in her simple morning wrapper and linen collar had met his mother on perfectly equal terms, he for the first time in his life felt a kind of contempt (pity he called it,) for Carrie, who, in an elegantly embroidered double-gown confined by a rich cord and ta.s.sels, which almost swept the floor, treated his mother with a fawning servility as disgusting to him as it was pleasing to the lady in question. Accustomed to the utmost deference on account of her wealth and her husband"s station, Mrs. Graham had felt as if something were withheld from her, when neither Mrs. Livingstone nor her daughters rushed to receive and welcome her; but now all was forgotten, for nothing could be more flattering than their attentions. Both mother and daughter having the son in view, did their best, and when at last Mrs. Graham asked to be shown to her room, Carrie, instead of ringing for a servant, offered to conduct her thither herself; whereupon Mrs. Graham laid her hand caressingly upon her shoulders, calling her a "dear little pet," and asking "where she stole those bright, naughty eyes!"
A smothered laugh from John Jr. and a certain low soft sound which he was in the habit of producing when desirous of reminding his sister of her nose, made the "bright, naughty eyes" flash so angrily, that even Durward noticed it, and wondered if "Lena"s temper had not been transferred to her cousin.
"That young girl--"Lena, I think you call her--is a relative of yours," said Mrs. Graham to Carrie, as they were ascending the stairs.
"Ye-es, our cousin, I suppose," answered Carrie.
"She bears a very aristocratic name, that of Rivers--does she belong to a Virginia family?"
Carrie looked mysterious and answered, "I never knew anything of her father, and indeed, I reckon no one does"--then after a moment she added, "Almost every family has some objectionable relative, with which they could willingly dispense."
"Very true," returned Mrs. Graham, "What a pity we couldn"t all have been born in England. There, dear, you can leave me now."
Accordingly Carrie started for the parlor, meeting in the hall her mother, who was in a sea of trouble concerning the dinner. "Old Milly," she said, "had gone to bed out of pure hatefulness, pretending she had got a collapse, as she called it."
"Can"t Hagar do," asked Carrie, anxious that Mrs. Graham"s first dinner with them should be in style.
"Yes, but she can"t do everything--somebody must superintend her, and as for burning myself brown over the dishes and then coming to the table, I won"t."
"Why not make "Lena go into the kitchen--it won"t hurt her to-day more than it did yesterday," suggested Carrie.
"A good idea," returned her mother, and stepping to the parlor door she called "Lena from a most interesting conversation with Mr. Graham, who, the moment his wife was gone, had taken a seat by her side, and now seemed oblivious to all else save her.
There was a strange tenderness in the tones of his voice and in the expression of his eyes as they rested upon her, and Durward, who well knew his mother"s peculiarities, felt glad that she was not present, while at the same time he wondered that his father should appear so deeply interested in an entire stranger.
""Lena, I wish to speak with you," said Mrs. Livingstone, appearing at the door, and "Lena, gracefully excusing herself, left the room, while Mr. Graham commenced pacing the floor in a slow, abstracted manner, ever and anon wiping away the beaded drops which stood thickly on his forehead.
Meantime, "Lena, having learned for what she was wanted, went without a word to the kitchen, though her proud nature rebelled, and it was with difficulty she could force down the bitter spirit which she felt rising within her. Had her aunt or Carrie shared her labors, or had the former asked instead of commanded her to go, she would have done it willingly. But now in quite a perturbed state of mind she bent over pastry and pudding, scarcely knowing which was which, until a pleasant voice at her side made her start, and looking up she saw Anna, who had just returned from her walk, and who on learning how matters stood, declared her intention of helping too.
"If there"s anything I like, it"s being in a muss," said she, and throwing aside her leghorn flat, pinning up her sleeves, and fastening back her curls in imitation of "Lena, she was soon up to her elbows in cooking--her dress literally covered with flour, eggs, and cream, and her face as red as the currant jelly which Hagar brought from the china closet. "There"s a pie fit for a queen or Lady Graham either," said she, depositing in the huge oven her first attempt in the pie line.
But alas! Malcolm Everett"s words of love spoken beneath the wide-spreading sycamore were still ringing in Anna"s ears, so it was no wonder she salted the custard instead of sweetening it. But no one noticed the mistake, and when the pie was done, both "Lena and Hagar praised its white, uncurdled appearance.
"Now we shall just have time to change our dresses," said Anna, when everything pertaining to the dinner was in readiness, but "Lena, knowing how flushed and heated she was, and remembering Durward"s distaste of high colors, announced her determination of not appearing at the table.
"I shall see that grandma is nicely dressed," said she, "and you must look after her a little, for I shall not come down."
So saying she ran up to her room, where she found Mrs. Nichols in a great state of fermentation to know "who was below, and what the doin"s was, I should of gone down," said she, "but I know"d "Tilda would be madder"n a hornet."
"Lena commended her discretion in remaining where she was, and then informing her that Mr. Bellmont"s father and mother were there, she proceeded to make some alterations in her dress. The handsome black silk and neat lace cap, both the Christmas gift of John Jr., were donned, and then, staff in hand, the old lady started for the dining-room, "Lena giving her numerous charges not to talk much, and on no account to mention her favorite topic--Nancy Scovand.y.k.e!
"Nancy"s as good any day as Miss Graham, if she did marry a live lord," was grandma"s mental comment, as the last-mentioned lady, rustling in a heavy brocade and loaded down with jewelry, took her place at the table.
Purposely, Mrs. Livingstone omitted an introduction which her husband, through fear of her, perhaps, failed to give. But not so with John Jr. To be sure, he cared not a fig, on his grandmother"s account, whether she were introduced or not, for he well knew she would not hesitate to make their acquaintance; but knowing how it would annoy his mother and Carrie, he called out, in a loud tone, "My grandmother, Mrs. Nichols--Mr. and Mrs. Graham."
Mr. Graham started so quickly that his wife asked "if anything stung him."
"Yes--no," said he, at the same time indicating that it was not worth while to mind it.
"Got stung, have you?" said Mrs. Nichols. "Mebby "twas a b.u.mble-bee--seems "sef I smelt one; but like enough it"s the scent on Car"line"s handkercher."
Mrs. Graham frowned majestically, but it was entirely lost on grandma, who, after a time, forgetful of "Lena"s caution, said, "I b"lieve they say you"re from Virginny!"
"Yes, madam, Virginia is my native state,"" returned Mrs. Graham, clipping off each word as if it were burning her tongue.
"Anywheres near Richmond?" continued Mrs. Nichols.
"I was born in Richmond, madam."
"Law, now I who knows but you"re well acquainted with Nancy Scovand.y.k.e"s kin."
Mrs. Graham turned as red as the cranberry sauce upon her plate, as she replied, "I"ve not the honor of knowing either Miss Scovand.y.k.e or any of her relatives."
"Wall, she"s a smart, likely gal, or woman I s"pose you"d call her, bein" she"s just the age of my son."
Here Mrs. Nichols, suddenly remembering "Lena"s charge, stopped, but John Jr., who loved to see the fun go on, started her again, by asking what relatives Miss Scovand.y.k.e had in Virginia.
""Leny told me not to mention Nancy, but bein" you"ve asked a civil question, "tain"t more"n fair for me to answer it. Better"n forty year ago Nancy"s mother"s aunt----"
"Which would be Miss Nancy"s great-aunt," interrupted John Jr.
"Bless the boy," returned the old lady, "he"s got the Nichols" head for figgerin". Yes, Nancy"s great-aunt though she was six years and two months younger"n Nancy"s mother. Wall, as I was sayin", she went off to Virginny to teach music. She was prouder"n Lucifer, and after a spell she married a southerner, rich as a Jew, and then she never took no more notice of her folks to hum, than"s ef they hadn"t been. But the poor critter didn"t live long to enjoy it, for when her first baby was born, she died. "Twas a little girl, but her folks in Ma.s.sachusetts have never heard a word whether she"s dead or alive. Joel Sloc.u.m, that"s Nancy"s nephew, says he means to go down there some day, and look her up, but I wouldn"t bother with "em, for that side of the house always did feel big, and above Nancy"s folks, thinkin" Nancy"s mother married beneath her."
Mrs. Graham must have enjoyed her dinner very much, for during grandma"s recital she applied herself a.s.siduously to her plate, never once looking up, while her face and neck were literally spotted, either with heat, excitement or anger. These spots at last attracted Mrs. Nichols" attention, causing her to ask the lady "if she warn"t pestered with erysipelas."
"I am not aware of it, madam," answered Mrs. Graham, and grandma replied, "It looks mighty like it to me, and I"ve seen a good deal on"t, for Nancy Scovand.y.k.e has allers had it more or less. Now I think on"t," she continued, as if bent on tormenting her companion, "now I think on"t, you look quite a considerable like Nancy--the same forehead and complexion--only she"s a head taller. Hain"t you noticed it, John?"
"No, I have not," answered John, at the same time proposing a change in the conversation, as he presumed "they had all heard enough of Nancy Scovand.y.k.e."
At this moment the dessert appeared, and with it Anna"s pie. John Jr. was the first to taste it, and with an expression of disgust he exclaimed, "Horror, mother, who made this pie?"
Mrs. Livingstone needed but one glance at her guests to know that something was wrong, and darting an angry frown at Hagar, who was busy at a side-table, she wondered "if there ever was any one who had so much trouble with servants as herself."
Anna saw the gathering storm, and knowing full well that it would burst on poor Hagar"s head, spoke out, "Hagar is not in the fault, mother--no one but myself is to blame. I made the pie, and must have put in salt instead of sugar."
"You made the pie!" repeated Mrs. Livingstone angrily, "What business had you in the kitchen? Pity we hadn"t a few more servants, for then we should all be obliged to turn drudges."
Anna was about to reply, when John Jr. prevented her, by asking, "if it hurt his sister to be in the kitchen any more than it did "Lena, who," he said, "worked there both yesterday and to-day, burning herself until she is ashamed to appear at the table."
Mortified beyond measure at what had occurred, Mrs. Livingstone hastened to explain that her servants were nearly all sick, and that in her dilemma, "Lena had volunteered her services, adding by way of compliment, undoubtedly, that "her niece seemed peculiarly adapted to such work--indeed, that her forte lay among pots and kettles."
An expression of scorn, unusual to Mr. Graham, pa.s.sed over his face, and in a sarcastic tone he asked Mrs. Livingstone, "if she thought it detracted from a young lady"s worth, to be skilled in whatever pertained to the domestic affairs of a family."
Ready to turn whichever way the wind did, Mrs. Livingstone replied, "Not at all--not at all. I mean that my daughters shall learn everything, so that their husbands will find in them every necessary qualification."
"Then you confidently expect them to catch husbands some time or other," said John Jr., whereupon Carrie blushed, and looked very interesting, while Anna retorted, "Of course we shall. I wouldn"t be an old maid for the world--I"d run away first!"
And amidst the laughter which this speech called forth the company retired from the table. For some time past Mrs. Nichols had walked with a cane, limping even then. Observing this, Mr. Graham, with his usual gallantry, offered her his arm, which she willingly accepted, casting a look of triumph upon her daughter-in-law, who apparently was not so well pleased. So thorough had been grandma"s training, that she did not often venture into the parlor without a special invitation from its mistress, but on this occasion, Mr. Graham led her in there as a matter of course, and placing her upon the sofa, seated himself by her side, and commenced questioning her concerning her former home and history. Never in her life had Mrs. Nichols felt more communicative, and never before had she so attentive a listener. Particularly did he hang upon every word, when she told him of her Helena, of her exceeding beauty, her untimely death, and rascally husband.
"Rivers--Rivers," said he, "what kind of a looking man was he?"
"The Lord only knows--I never see him," returned Mrs. Nichols. "But this much I do know, he was one scandalous villain, and if an old woman"s curses can do him any harm, he"s had mine a plenty of times."
"You do wrong to talk so," said Mr. Graham, "for who knows how bitterly he may have repented of the great wrong done to your daughter."
"Then why in the name of common sense don"t he hunt up her child, and own her--he needn"t be ashamed of "Leny."
"Very true," answered Mr. Graham. "No one need be ashamed of her. I should be proud to call her my daughter. But as I was saying, perhaps this Rivers has married a second time, keeping his first marriage a secret from his wife, who is so proud and high-spirited that now, after the lapse of years, he dares not tell her for fear of what might follow."
"Then she"s a good-for-nothing, stuck-up thing, and he"s a cowardly puppy! That"s my opinion on "em, and I"ll tell "em so, if ever I see "em!" exclaimed Mrs. Nichols, her wrath waxing warmer and warmer toward the destroyer of her daughter.
Pausing for breath, she helped herself to a pinch of her favorite Maccaboy, and then pa.s.sed it to Mr. Graham, who, to her astonishment, took some, slyly casting it aside when she did not see him. This emboldened the old lady to offer it to Mrs. Graham, who, languidly reclining upon the end of the sofa, sat talking to Carrie, who, on a low stool at her feet, was looking up into her face as if in perfect admiration. Without deigning other reply than a haughty shake of the head, Mrs. Graham cast a deprecating glance toward Carrie, who muttered, "How disgusting! But for pa"s sake we tolerate it."
Here "Lena entered the parlor, very neatly dressed, and looking fresh and blooming as a rose. There was no vacant seat near except one between Durward and John Jr., which, at the invitation of the latter, she accepted. A peculiar smile flitted over Carrie"s face, which was noticed by Mrs. Graham, and attributed to the right cause. Ere long Durward, John Jr., "Lena and Anna, who had joined them, left the house, and from the window Carrie saw that they were amusing themselves by playing "Graces." Gradually the sound of their voices increased, and as "Lena"s clear, musical laugh rang out above the rest, Mrs. Graham and Carrie looked out just in time to see Durward holding the struggling girl, while John Jr., claimed the reward of his having thrown the "grace hoop" upon her head.
Inexpressily shocked, the precise Mrs. Graham asked, "What kind of a girl is your cousin?" to which Carrie replied, "You have a fair sample of her," at the same time nodding toward "Lena, who was unmercifully pulling John Jr."s ears as a reward for his presumption.
"Rather hoydenish, I should think," returned Mrs. Graham, secretly hoping Durward would not become enamored of her.
At length the party left the yard, and repairing to the garden, sat down in one of the arbor bridges, where they were joined by Malcolm Everett, who naturally, and as a matter of course, appropriated Anna to himself, Durward observed this, and when he saw them walk away together, while "Lena appeared wholly unconcerned, he began to think that possibly Mrs. Livingstone was mistaken when she hinted of an engagement between her niece and Mr. Everett. Knowing John Jr."s straightforward way of speaking, he determined to sound him, so he said, "Your sister and Mr. Everett evidently prefer each other"s society to ours."
"Oh, yes," answered John. "I saw that years ago, when Anna wasn"t knee-high; and I"m glad of it, for Everett is a mighty fine fellow."
"Lena, too, united in praising her teacher, until Durward felt certain that she had never entertained for him any feeling stronger than that of friendship; and as to her flirting seriously with Captain Atherton, the idea was too preposterous to be harbored for a single moment. Once exonerated from these charges, it was strange how fast "Lena rose in his estimation, and when John Jr., with a loud yawn, asked if they did not wish he would leave them alone, more in earnest than in fun Durward replied, "Yes, yes, do."
"I reckon I will," said John, shaking down his tight pants, and pulling at his long coat sleeves. "I never want anybody round when I"m with Nellie Dougla.s.s."
So saying, he walked off, leaving Durward and "Lena alone. That neither of them felt at all sorry, was proved by the length of time which they remained together, for when more than an hour afterward Mrs. Graham proposed to Carrie to take a turn in the garden, she found the young couple still in the arbor, so wholly engrossed that they neither saw nor heard her until she stood before them.
"Lena was an excellent horsewoman, and Durward had just proposed a ride early the next morning, when his mother, forcing down her wrath, laid her hand on his shoulder, and as if the proposition had come from "Lena instead of her son, she said, "No, no, Miss Rivers, Durward can"t go--he has got to drive me over to Woodlawn, together with Carrie and Anna, whom I have asked to accompany me; so you see "twill be impossible for him to ride with you."
"Unless she goes with us," interrupted Durward. "You would like to visit Woodlawn, would you not, Miss Rivers?"
"Oh, very much," was "Lena"s reply, while Mrs. Graham continued, "I am sorry I cannot extend my invitation to Miss Rivers, but our carriage will be full, and I cannot endure to be crowded."
"It has carried six many a time," said Durward, "and if she will go, I will take you on my lap, or anywhere."