Life isn"t a spurt, but a long, steady climb. You can"t run far up-hill without stopping to sit down. Some men do a day"s work and then spend six lolling around admiring it. They rush at a thing with a whoop and use up all their wind in that. And when they"re rested and have got it back, they whoop again and start off in a new direction. They mistake intention for determination, and after they have told you what they propose to do and get right up to doing it, they simply peter out.
I"ve heard a good deal in my time about the foolishness of hens, but when it comes to right-down, plum foolishness, give me a rooster, every time. He"s always strutting and stretching and crowing and bragging about things with which he had nothing to do. When the sun rises, you"d think that he was making all the light, instead of all the noise; when the farmer"s wife throws the sc.r.a.ps in the henyard, he crows as if he was the provider for the whole farmyard and was asking a blessing on the food; when he meets another rooster, he crows; and when the other rooster licks him, he crows; and so he keeps it up straight through the day. He even wakes up during the night and crows a little on general principles. But when you hear from a hen, she"s laid an egg, and she don"t make a great deal of noise about it, either.
I speak of these things in a general way, because I want you to keep in mind all the time that steady, quiet, persistent, plain work can"t be imitated or replaced by anything just as good, and because your request for a job for Courtland Warrington naturally brings them up. You write that Court says that a man who has occupied his position in the world naturally can"t cheapen himself by stepping down into any little piddling job where he"d have to do undignified things.
I want to start right out by saying that I know Court and his whole breed like a glue factory, and that we can"t use him in our business.
He"s one of those fellows who start in at the top and naturally work down to the bottom, because that is where they belong. His father gave him an interest in the concern when he left college, and since the old man failed three years ago and took a salary himself, Court"s been sponging on him and waiting for a nice, dignified job to come along and steal him. But we are not in the kidnapping business.
The only undignified job I know of is loafing, and nothing can cheapen a man who sponges instead of hunting any sort of work, because he"s as cheap already as they can be made. I never could quite understand these fellows who keep down every decent instinct in order to keep up appearance, and who will stoop to any sort of real meanness to boost up their false pride.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "_Jim Hicks dared Fatty Wilkins to eat a piece of dirt._"]
They always remind me of little Fatty Wilkins, who came to live in our town back in Missouri when I was a boy. His mother thought a heap of Fatty, and Fatty thought a heap of himself, or his stomach, which was the same thing. Looked like he"d been taken from a joke book. Used to be a great eater. Stuffed himself till his hide was stretched as tight as a sausage skin, and then howled for painkiller. Spent all his pennies for cakes, because candy wasn"t filling enough. Hogged "em in the shop, for fear he would have to give some one a bite if he ate them on the street.
The other boys didn"t take to Fatty, and they didn"t make any special secret of it when he was around. He was a mighty brave boy and a mighty strong boy and a mighty proud boy--with his mouth; but he always managed to slip out of anything that looked like a fight by having a sore hand or a case of the mumps. The truth of the matter was that he was afraid of everything except food, and that was the thing which was hurting him most. It"s mighty seldom that a fellow"s afraid of what he ought to be afraid of in this world.
Of course, like most cowards, while Fatty always had an excuse for not doing something that might hurt his skin, he would take a dare to do anything that would hurt his self-respect, for fear the boys would laugh at him, or say that he was afraid, if he refused. So one day during recess Jim Hicks dared him to eat a piece of dirt. Fatty hesitated a little, because, while he was pretty promiscuous about what he put into his stomach, he had never included dirt in his bill-of-fare. But when the boys began to say that he was afraid, Fatty up and swallowed it.
And when he dared the other boys to do the same thing and none of them would take the dare, it made him mighty proud and puffed up. Got to charging the bigger boys and the lounger around the post-office a cent to see him eat a piece of dirt the size of a hickory-nut. Found there was good money in that, and added gra.s.shoppers, at two cents apiece, as a side line. Found them so popular that he took on chinch bugs at a nickel, and fairly coined money. The last I heard of Fatty he was in a Dime Museum, drawing two salaries--one as "The Fat Man," and the other as "Launcelot, The Locust Eater, the Only Man Alive with a Gizzard."
You are going to meet a heap of Fatties, first and last, fellows who"ll eat a little dirt "for fun" or to show off, and who"ll eat a little more because they find that there"s some easy money or times in it. It"s hard to get at these men, because when they"ve lost everything they had to be proud of, they still keep their pride. You can always bet that when a fellow"s pride makes him touchy, it"s because there are some mighty raw spots on it.
It"s been my experience that pride is usually a spur to the strong and a drag on the weak. It drives the strong man along and holds the weak one back. It makes the fellow with the stiff upper lip and the square jaw smile at a laugh and laugh at a sneer; it keeps his conscience straight and his back humped over his work; it makes him appreciate the little things and fight for the big ones. But it makes the fellow with the retreating forehead do the thing that looks right, instead of the thing that is right; it makes him fear a laugh and shrivel up at a sneer; it makes him live to-day on to-morrow"s salary; it makes him a cheap imitation of some Willie who has a little more money than he has, without giving him zip enough to go out and force luck for himself.
I never see one of these fellows swelling around with their petty larceny pride that I don"t think of a little experience of mine when I was a boy. An old fellow caught me lifting a watermelon in his patch, one afternoon, and instead of cuffing me and letting me go, as I had expected if I got caught, he led me home by the ear to my ma, and told her what I had been up to.
Your grandma had been raised on the old-fashioned plan, and she had never heard of these new-fangled theories of reasoning gently with a child till its under lip begins to stick out and its eyes to fill with tears as it sees the error of its ways. She fetched the tears all right, but she did it with a trunk strap or a slipper. And your grandma was a pretty substantial woman. Nothing of the tootsey-wootsey about her foot, and nothing of the airy-fairy trifle about her slipper. When she was through I knew that I"d been licked--polished right off to a point--and then she sent me to my room and told me not to poke my nose out of it till I could recite the Ten Commandments and the Sunday-school lesson by heart.
There was a whole chapter of it, and an Old Testament chapter at that, but I laid right into it because I knew ma, and supper was only two hours off. I can repeat that chapter still, forward and backward, without missing a word or stopping to catch my breath.
Every now and then old Doc Hoover used to come into the Sunday-school room and scare the scholars into fits by going around from cla.s.s to cla.s.s and asking questions. That next Sunday, for the first time, I was glad to see him happen in, and I didn"t try to escape attention when he worked around to our cla.s.s. For ten minutes I"d been busting for him to ask me to recite a verse of the lesson, and, when he did, I simply cut loose and recited the whole chapter and threw in the Ten Commandments for good measure. It sort of dazed the Doc, because he had come to me for information about the Old Testament before, and we"d never got much beyond, And Ahab begat Jahab, or words to that effect. But when he got over the shock he made me stand right up before the whole school and do it again. Patted me on the head and said I was "an honor to my parents and an example to my playmates."
I had been looking down all the time, feeling mighty proud and scared, but at that I couldn"t help glancing up to see the other boys admire me.
But the first person my eye lit on was your grandma, standing in the back of the room, where she had stopped for a moment on her way up to church, and glaring at me in a mighty unpleasant way.
"Tell "em, John," she said right out loud, before everybody.
There was no way to run, for the Elder had hold of my hand, and there was no place to hide, though I reckon I could have crawled into a rat hole. So, to gain time, I blurted out:
"Tell "em what, mam?"
"Tell "em how you come to have your lesson so nice."
I learned to hate notoriety right then and there, but I knew there was no switching her off on to the weather when she wanted to talk religion. So I shut my eyes and let it come, though it caught on my palate once or twice on the way out.
"Hooked a watermelon, mam."
There wasn"t any need for further particulars with that crowd, and they simply howled. Ma led me up to our pew, allowing that she"d tend to me Monday for disgracing her in public that way--and she did.
That was a twelve-grain dose, without any sugar coat, but it sweat more cant and false pride out of my system than I could get back into it for the next twenty years. I learned right there how to be humble, which is a heap more important than knowing how to be proud. There are mighty few men that need any lessons in that.
Your affectionate father, JOHN GRAHAM.
+-----------------------------+No. 18+-----------------------------+From John Graham, at theLondon House of Graham &Co., to his son,Pierrepont, at the UnionStock Yards in Chicago.Mr. Pierrepont is worriedover rumors that the oldman is a bear on lard,and that the longs areabout to make him climb atree.+-----------------------------+
XVIII
LONDON, October 27, 189-
_Dear Pierrepont:_ Yours of the twenty-first inst. to hand and I note the inclosed clippings. You needn"t pay any special attention to this newspaper talk about the Comstock crowd having caught me short a big line of November lard. I never sell goods without knowing where I can find them when I want them, and if these fellows try to put their forefeet in the trough, or start any shoving and crowding, they"re going to find me forgetting my table manners, too. For when it comes to funny business I"m something of a humorist myself. And while I"m too old to run, I"m young enough to stand and fight.
First and last, a good many men have gone gunning for me, but they"ve always planned the obsequies before they caught the deceased. I reckon there hasn"t been a time in twenty years when there wasn"t a nice "Gates Ajar" piece all made up and ready for me in some office near the Board of Trade. But the first essential of a quiet funeral is a willing corpse. And I"m still sitting up and taking nourishment.
There are two things you never want to pay any attention to--abuse and flattery. The first can"t harm you and the second can"t help you. Some men are like yellow dogs--when you"re coming toward them they"ll jump up and try to lick your hands; and when you"re walking away from them they"ll sneak up behind and snap at your heels. Last year, when I was bulling the market, the longs all said that I was a kind-hearted old philanthropist, who was laying awake nights scheming to get the farmers a top price for their hogs; and the shorts allowed that I was an infamous old robber, who was stealing the pork out of the workingman"s pot. As long as you can"t please both sides in this world, there"s nothing like pleasing your own side.
There are mighty few people who can see any side to a thing except their own side. I remember once I had a vacant lot out on the Avenue, and a lady came in to my office and in a soothing-syrupy way asked if I would lend it to her, as she wanted to build a _creche_ on it. I hesitated a little, because I had never heard of a _creche_ before, and someways it sounded sort of foreign and frisky, though the woman looked like a good, safe, reliable old heifer. But she explained that a _creche_ was a baby farm, where old maids went to wash and feed and stick pins in other people"s children while their mothers were off at work. Of course, there was nothing in that to get our pastor or the police after me, so I told her to go ahead.
She went off happy, but about a week later she dropped in again, looking sort of dissatisfied, to find out if I wouldn"t build the _creche_ itself. It seemed like a worthy object, so I sent some carpenters over to knock together a long frame pavilion. She was mighty grateful, you bet, and I didn"t see her again for a fortnight. Then she called by to say that so long as I was in the business and they didn"t cost me anything special, would I mind giving her a few cows. She had a surprised and grieved expression on her face as she talked, and the way she put it made me feel that I ought to be ashamed of myself for not having thought of the live stock myself. So I threw in half a dozen cows to provide the refreshments.
I thought that was pretty good measure, but the carpenters hadn"t more than finished with the pavilion before the woman telephoned a sharp message to ask why I hadn"t had it painted.
I was too busy that morning to quarrel, so I sent word that I would fix it up; and when I was driving by there next day the painters were hard at work on it. There was a sixty-foot frontage of that shed on the Avenue, and I saw right off that it was just a natural signboard. So I called over the boss painter and between us we cooked up a nice little ad that ran something like this:
Graham"s Extract: It Makes the Weak Strong.
Well, sir, when she saw the ad next morning that old hen just scratched gravel. Went all around town saying that I had given a five-hundred-dollar shed to charity and painted a thousand-dollar ad on it. Allowed I ought to send my check for that amount to the _creche_ fund. Kept at it till I began to think there might be something in it, after all, and sent her the money. Then I found a fellow who wanted to build in that neighborhood, sold him the lot cheap, and got out of the _creche_ industry.
I"ve put a good deal more than work into my business, and I"ve drawn a good deal more than money out of it; but the only thing I"ve ever put into it which didn"t draw dividends in fun or dollars was worry. That is a branch of the trade which you want to leave to our compet.i.tors.
I"ve always found worrying a blamed sight more uncertain than horse-racing--it"s harder to pick a winner at it. You go home worrying because you"re afraid that your fool new clerk forgot to lock the safe after you, and during the night the lard refinery burns down; you spend a year fretting because you think Bill Jones is going to cut you out with your best girl, and then you spend ten worrying because he didn"t; you worry over Charlie at college because he"s a little wild, and he writes you that he"s been elected president of the Y.M.C.A.; and you worry over William because he"s so pious that you"re afraid he"s going to throw up everything and go to China as a missionary, and he draws on you for a hundred; you worry because you"re afraid your business is going to smash, and your health busts up instead. Worrying is the one game in which, if you guess right, you don"t get any satisfaction out of your smartness. A busy man has no time to bother with it. He can always find plenty of old women in skirts or trousers to spend their days worrying over their own troubles and to sit up nights waking his.
Speaking of handing over your worries to others naturally calls to mind the Widow Williams and her son Bud, who was a playmate of mine when I was a boy. Bud was the youngest of the Widow"s troubles, and she was a woman whose troubles seldom came singly. Had fourteen altogether, and four pair of "em were twins. Used to turn "em loose in the morning, when she let out her cows and pigs to browse along the street, and then she"d shed all worry over them for the rest of the day. Allowed that if they got hurt the neighbors would bring them home; and that if they got hungry they"d come home. And someways, the whole drove always showed up safe and dirty about meal time.
I"ve no doubt she thought a lot of Bud, but when a woman has fourteen it sort of unsettles her mind so that she can"t focus her affections or play any favorites. And so when Bud"s clothes were found at the swimming hole one day, and no Bud inside them, she didn"t take on up to the expectations of the neighbors who had brought the news, and who were standing around waiting for her to go off into something special in the way of high-strikes.
She allowed that they were Bud"s clothes, all right, but she wanted to know where the remains were. Hinted that there"d be no funeral, or such like expensive goings-on, until some one produced the deceased. Take her by and large, she was a pretty cool, calm cuc.u.mber.
But if she showed a little too much Christian resignation, the rest of the town was mightily stirred up over Bud"s death, and every one just quit work to tell each other what a n.o.ble little fellow he was; and how his mother hadn"t deserved to have such a bright little sunbeam in her home; and to drag the river between talks. But they couldn"t get a rise.
Through all the worry and excitement the Widow was the only one who didn"t show any special interest, except to ask for results. But finally, at the end of a week, when they"d strained the whole river through their drags and hadn"t anything to show for it but a collection of tin cans and dead catfish, she threw a shawl over her head and went down the street to the cabin of Louisiana Clytemnestra, an old yellow woman, who would go into a trance for four bits and find a fortune for you for a dollar. I reckon she"d have called herself a clairvoyant nowadays, but then she was just a voodoo woman.
Well, the Widow said she reckoned that boys ought to be let out as well as in for half price, and so she laid down two bits, allowing that she wanted a few minutes" private conversation with her Bud. Clytie said she"d do her best, but that spirits were mighty snifty and high-toned, even when they"d only been poor white trash on earth, and it might make them mad to be called away from their high jinks if they were taking a little recreation, or from their high-priced New York customers if they were working, to tend to cut-rate business. Still, she"d have a try, and she did. But after having convulsions for half an hour, she gave it up.