Of course, I sent for Milligan and went for him pretty rough for having a mailing clerk so no-account as to be writing personal letters in office hours, and such a blunderer as to mix them up with the firm"s correspondence. Milligan just stood there like a dumb Irishman and let me get through and go back and cuss him out all over again, with some tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs that I had forgotten the first time, before he told me that you were the fellow who had made the bull. Naturally, I felt pretty foolish, and, while I tried to pa.s.s it off with something about your still being green and raw, the ice was mighty thin, and you had the old man running tiddledies.
It didn"t make me feel any sweeter about the matter to hear that when Milligan went for you, and asked what you supposed Donnelly would think of that sort of business, you told him to "consider the feelings of the girl who got our brutal refusal to allow a claim for a few hundredweight of hams."
I haven"t any special objection to your writing to girls and telling them that they are the real sugar-cured article, for, after all, if you overdo it, it"s your breach-of-promise suit, but you must write before eight or after six. I have bought the stretch between those hours. Your time is money--my money--and when you take half an hour of it for your own purposes, that is just a petty form of petty larceny.
Milligan tells me that you are quick to learn, and that you can do a powerful lot of work when you"ve a mind to; but he adds that it"s mighty seldom your mind takes that particular turn. Your attention may be on the letters you are addressing, or you may be in a comatose condition mentally; he never quite knows until the returns come from the dead-letter office.
A man can"t have his head pumped out like a vacuum pan, or stuffed full of odds and ends like a bologna sausage, and do his work right. It doesn"t make any difference how mean and trifling the thing he"s doing may seem, that"s the big thing and the only thing for him just then.
Business is like oil--it won"t mix with anything but business.
You can resolve everything in the world, even a great fortune, into atoms. And the fundamental principles which govern the handling of postage stamps and of millions are exactly the same. They are the common law of business, and the whole practice of commerce is founded on them.
They are so simple that a fool can"t learn them; so hard that a lazy man won"t.
Boys are constantly writing me for advice about how to succeed, and when I send them my receipt they say that I am dealing out commonplace generalities. Of course I am, but that"s what the receipt calls for, and if a boy will take these commonplace generalities and knead them into his job, the mixture"ll be cake.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "_Jim Donnelly of the Donnelly Provision Company came into my office with a fool grin on his fat face._"]
Once a fellow"s got the primary business virtues cemented into his character, he"s safe to build on. But when a clerk crawls into the office in the morning like a sick setter pup, and leaps from his stool at night with the spring of a tiger, I"m a little afraid that if I sent him off to take charge of a branch house he wouldn"t always be around when customers were. He"s the sort of a chap who would hold back the sun an hour every morning and have it gain two every afternoon if the Lord would give him the same discretionary powers that He gave Joshua. And I have noticed that he"s the fellow who invariably takes a timekeeper as an insult. He"s pretty numerous in business offices; in fact, if the glance of the human eye could affect a clockface in the same way that a man"s country cousins affect their city welcome, I should have to buy a new timepiece for the office every morning.
I remember when I was a boy, we used to have a pretty lively camp-meeting every summer, and Elder Hoover, who was accounted a powerful exhorter in our parts, would wrastle with the sinners and the backsliders. There was one old chap in the town--Bill Budlong--who took a heap of pride in being the simon pure cuss. Bill was always the last man to come up to the mourners" bench at the camp-meeting and the first one to backslide when it was over. Used to brag around about what a hold Satan had on him and how his sin was the original brand, direct from Adam, put up in cans to keep, and the can-opener lost. Doc Hoover would get the whole town safe in the fold and then have to hold extra meetings for a couple of days to snake in that miserable Bill; but, in the end, he always got religion and got it hard. For a month or two afterward, he"d make the chills run down the backs of us children in prayer-meeting, telling how he had probably been the triflingest and orneriest man alive before he was converted. Then, along toward hog-killing time, he"d backslide, and go around bragging that he was standing so close to the mouth of the pit that his whiskers smelt of brimstone.
He kept this up for about ten years, getting vainer and vainer of his staying qualities, until one summer, when the Elder had rounded up all the likeliest sinners in the bunch, he announced that the meetings were over for that year.
You never saw a sicker-looking man than Bill when he heard that there wasn"t going to be any extra session for him. He got up and said he reckoned another meeting would fetch him; that he sort of felt the clutch of old Satan loosening; but Doc Hoover was firm. Then Bill begged to have a special deacon told off to wrastle with him, but Doc wouldn"t listen to that. Said he"d been wasting time enough on him for ten years to save a county, and he had just about made up his mind to let him try his luck by himself; that what he really needed more than religion was common-sense and a conviction that time in this world was too valuable to be frittered away. If he"d get that in his head he didn"t think he"d be so apt to trifle with eternity; and if he didn"t get it, religion wouldn"t be of any special use to him.
A big merchant finds himself in Doc Hoover"s fix pretty often. There are too many likely young sinners in his office to make it worth while to bother long with the Bills. Very few men are worth wasting time on beyond a certain point, and that point is soon reached with a fellow who doesn"t show any signs of wanting to help. Naturally, a green man always comes to a house in a pretty subordinate position, and it isn"t possible to make so much noise with a firecracker as with a cannon. But you can tell a good deal by what there is left of the boy, when you come to inventory him on the fifth of July, whether he"ll be safe to trust with a cannon next year.
It isn"t the little extra money that you may make for the house by learning the fundamental business virtues which counts so much as it is the effect that it has on your character and that of those about you, and especially on the judgment of the old man when he"s casting around for the fellow to fill the vacancy just ahead of you. He"s pretty apt to pick some one who keeps separate ledger accounts for work and for fun, who gives the house sixteen ounces to the pound, and, on general principles, to pa.s.s by the one who is late at the end where he ought to be early, and early at the end where he ought to be late.
I simply mention these things in pa.s.sing, but, frankly, I am afraid that you have a streak of the Bill in you; and you can"t be a good clerk, let alone a partner, until you get it out. I try not to be narrow when I"m weighing up a young fellow, and to allow for soakage and leakage, and then to throw in a little for good feeling; but I don"t trade with a man whom I find deliberately marking up the weights on me.
This is a fine country we"re running through, but it"s a pity that it doesn"t raise more hogs. It seems to take a farmer a long time to learn that the best way to sell his corn is on the hoof.
Your affectionate father, JOHN GRAHAM.
P.S. I just had to allow Donnelly his claim on those hams, though I was dead sure our weights were right, and it cost the house sixty dollars.
But your fool letter took all the snap out of our argument. I get hot every time I think of it.
+------------------------------+No. 7+------------------------------+From John Graham, at theOmaha Branch of Graham &Co., to Pierrepont Graham,at the Union Stock Yards,Chicago. Mr. Pierreponthasn"t found the methodsof the worthy Milliganaltogether to his liking,and he has commentedrather freely on them.+------------------------------+
VII
OMAHA, September 1, 189-
_Dear Pierrepont:_ Yours of the 30th ultimo strikes me all wrong.
I don"t like to hear you say that you can"t work under Milligan or any other man, for it shows a fundamental weakness. And then, too, the house isn"t interested in knowing how you like your boss, but in how he likes you.
I understand all about Milligan. He"s a cross, cranky old Irishman with a temper tied up in bow-knots, who prods his men with the bull-stick six days a week and schemes to get them salary raises on the seventh, when he ought to be listening to the sermon; who puts the black-snake on a clerk"s hide when he sends a letter to Oshkosh that ought to go to Kalamazoo, and begs him off when the old man wants to have him fired for it. Altogether he"s a hard, crabbed, generous, soft-hearted, loyal, bully old boy, who"s been with the house since we took down the shutters for the first time, and who"s going to stay with it till we put them up for the last time.
But all that apart, you want to get it firmly fixed in your mind that you"re going to have a Milligan over you all your life, and if it isn"t a Milligan it will be a Jones or a Smith, and the chances are that you"ll find them both harder to get along with than this old fellow. And if it isn"t Milligan or Jones or Smith, and you ain"t a butcher, but a parson or a doctor, or even the President of the United States, it"ll be a way-back deacon, or the undertaker, or the machine. There isn"t any such thing as being your own boss in this world unless you"re a tramp, and then there"s the constable.
Like the old man if you can, but give him no cause to dislike you. Keep your self-respect at any cost, and your upper lip stiff at the same figure. Criticism can properly come only from above, and whenever you discover that your boss is no good you may rest easy that the man who pays his salary shares your secret. Learn to give back a bit from the base-burner, to let the village fathers get their feet on the fender and the sawdust box in range, and you"ll find them making a little room for you in turn. Old men have tender feet, and apologies are poor salve for aching corns. Remember that when you"re in the right you can afford to keep your temper, and that when you"re in the wrong you can"t afford to lose it.
When you"ve got an uncertain cow it"s all O.K. to tie a figure eight in her tail, if you ain"t thirsty, and it"s excitement you"re after; but if you want peace and her nine quarts, you will naturally approach her from the side, and say, So-boss, in about the same tone that you would use if you were asking your best girl to let you hold her hand.
Of course, you want to be sure of your natural history facts and learn to distinguish between a cow that"s a kicker, but whose intentions are good if she"s approached with proper respect, and a hooker, who is vicious on general principles, and any way you come at her. There"s never any use fooling with an animal of that sort, brute or human. The only safe place is the other side of the fence or the top of the nearest tree.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "_Bill Budlong was always the last man to come up to the mourners" bench._"]
When I was clerking in Missouri, a fellow named Jeff Hankins moved down from Wisconsin and bought a little clearing just outside the town. Jeff was a good talker, but a bad listener, and so we learned a heap about how things were done in Wisconsin, but he didn"t pick up much information about the habits of our Missouri fauna. When it came to cows, he had had a liberal education and he made out all right, but by and by it got on to ploughing time and Jeff naturally bought a mule--a little moth-eaten cuss, with sad, dreamy eyes and droopy, wiggly-woggly ears that swung in a circle as easy as if they ran on ball-bearings. Her owner didn"t give her a very good character, but Jeff was too busy telling how much he knew about horses to pay much attention to what anybody was saying about mules. So finally the seller turned her loose in Jeff"s lot, told him he wouldn"t have any trouble catching her if he approached her right, and hurried off out of range.
Next morning at sunup Jeff picked out a bridle and started off whistling Buffalo Gals--he was a powerful pretty whistler and could do the Mocking Bird with variations--to catch the mule and begin his plowing. The animal was feeding as peaceful as a water-color picture, and she didn"t budge; but when Jeff began to get nearer, her ears dropped back along her neck as if they had lead in them. He knew that symptom and so he closed up kind of cautious, aiming for her at right angles and gurgling, "Muley, muley, here muley; that"s a good muley," sort of soothing and caressing-like. Still she didn"t stir and Jeff got right up to her and put one arm over her back and began to reach forward with the bridle, when something happened. He never could explain just what it was, but we judged from the marks on his person that the mule had reached forward and kicked the seat of his trousers with one of her prehensile hind feet; and had reached back and caught him on the last b.u.t.ton of his waistcoat with one of her limber fore feet; and had twisted around her elastic neck and bit off a mouthful of his hair. When Jeff regained consciousness, he reckoned that the only really safe way to approach a mule was to drop on it from a balloon.
I simply mention this little incident as an example of the fact that there are certain animals with which the Lord didn"t intend white men to fool. And you will find that, as a rule, the human varieties of them are not the fellows who go for you rough-shod, like Milligan, when you"re wrong. It"s when you come across one of those gentlemen who have more oil in their composition than any two-legged animal has a right to have, that you should be on the lookout for concealed deadly weapons.
I don"t mean that you should distrust a man who is affable and approachable, but you want to learn to distinguish between him and one who is too affable and too approachable. The adverb makes the difference between a good and a bad fellow. The bunco men aren"t all at the county fair, and they don"t all operate with the little sh.e.l.ls and the elusive pea. When a packer has learned all that there is to learn about quadrupeds, he knows only one-eighth of his business; the other seven-eighths, and the important seven-eighths, has to do with the study of bipeds.
I dwell on this because I am a little disappointed that you should have made such a mistake in sizing up Milligan. He isn"t the brightest man in the office, but he is loyal to me and to the house, and when you have been in business as long as I have you will be inclined to put a pretty high value on loyalty. It is the one commodity that hasn"t any market value, and it"s the one that you can"t pay too much for. You can trust any number of men with your money, but mighty few with your reputation.
Half the men who are with the house on pay day are against it the other six.
A good many young fellows come to me looking for jobs, and start in by telling me what a mean house they have been working for; what a cuss to get along with the senior partner was; and how little show a bright, progressive clerk had with him. I never get very far with a critter of that cla.s.s, because I know that he wouldn"t like me or the house if he came to work for us.
I don"t know anything that a young business man ought to keep more entirely to himself than his dislikes, unless it is his likes. It"s generally expensive to have either, but it"s bankruptcy to tell about them. It"s all right to say nothing about the dead but good, but it"s better to apply the rule to the living, and especially to the house which is paying your salary.
Just one word before I close, as old Doc Hoover used to say, when he was coming into the stretch, but still a good ways off from the benediction.
I have noticed that you are inclined to be a little chesty and starchy around the office. Of course, it"s good business, when a fellow hasn"t much behind his forehead, to throw out his chest and attract attention to his shirt-front. But as you begin to meet the men who have done something that makes them worth meeting you will find that there are no "keep off the gra.s.s" or "beware of the dog" signs around their premises, and that they don"t motion to the orchestra to play slow music while they talk.
Superiority makes every man feel its equal. It is courtesy without condescension; affability without familiarity; self-sufficiency without selfishness; simplicity without snide. It weighs sixteen ounces to the pound without the package, and it doesn"t need a four-colored label to make it go.
We are coming home from here. I am a little disappointed in the showing that this house has been making. Pound for pound it is not getting nearly so much out of its hogs as we are in Chicago. I don"t know just where the leak is, but if they don"t do better next month I am coming back here with a shotgun, and there"s going to be a pretty heavy mortality among our head men.
Your affectionate father, JOHN GRAHAM.
+------------------------------+No. 8+------------------------------+From John Graham, at HotSprings, Arkansas, to hisson, Pierrepont, at theUnion Stock Yards inChicago. Mr. Pierreponthas just been promotedfrom the mailing to thebilling desk and, inconsequence, his fatheris feeling rather "mellow"toward him.+------------------------------+
VIII