To which the Kernel replied:
"Kernel Doolittle: I can"t begin to express to you the feelins of my hart. This occashin is techin. Sojers can"t make speeches. I"ve dun my duty. I"ve seen the cannons roar. I"ve heard the flash of a thousand rifles all at once. There ain"t nothin that can equal it for rite down tall sublimity. But, feller-citizens, we ought to be most rejoiced now because freedom is going it at such big licks. I"me a manifest destiny man. I believe freedom is to extend from the frozen planes of Alabama to the sunny banks of Newfoundland. There ain"t nothin kin stop it. It is comin like an avalanche from the eternal hills of Giberalter.
Freedom! freedom! will resound from creashin come to pullin turnip time, an all the hopples that bind the legs of American citizens of Afriken "scent will fall off. Them"s my sentiments, and I don"t keer who knows "em. The old Union ain"t of any more ackount in these "ere times than an iron pot with a hole in the bottom. Wat we want is a new Union which will have for its motto the celebrated words of Daniel Webster, "Freedom and n.i.g.g.e.rs--now and forever--one and inspirable.""
"Amen," yelled out Deacon Jenkins, who had been listenin" attentively, as the Kernel sat down, and the hull audience broke out into the most tumultuous applause. There is a little mistake in Kernel Doolittle"s speech, where he speaks of Kernel Stebbins being covered with the dust an blood of the battle-field. Now, the truth was, the Kernel, with his new uniform, looked as if he had jest c.u.m out of a band-box, but Kernel Doolittle had his speech writ out, an he couldn"t alter it. Kernel Stebbins got on such high hosses, that he talked about seeing the boomin" of cannon an hearin" the flash of guns, but the truth was, he didn"t know exactly what he said an the people were so carried away with havin" a live Kernel among them, that they didn"t notice it. There ain"t been nothin" talked of in Downingville sence the Kernel"s return, except his recepshin. Elder Sniffles preached a sarmon on it, takin"
for his text "There shall be wars an rumors of wars," an provin from the Bible that war is the duty of all real, genuine Christians. So, you see, there ain"t a more loyal place in the country, unless it be Washinton, where all the office-holders an contractors live. But I must close. I did"t expect to write you but a few lines this time. If I go to Washington, I will let you into the secrete of the Blair and Chase rumpus, an keep you posted up ginerally on things behind the curtin."
Yours, till deth,
MAJER JACK DOWNING.
LETTER XXVII.
_The Major Starts for Washington--Takes his Axe with him--Mr. Lincoln glad to see him--The Cabinet in Session--The opinion of Seward, Chase, Stanton and others--The Major called on for an opinion--The Story of Old Sam Odum--Mr. Stanton gets Excited._
WASHINGTON, Nov. 6, 1863.
_To the Editers of The Dabook:_
The very next day after I writ you my last letter, I got one from Linkin, tellin me I must c.u.m on without fail. He said he was in a peck of trubbil about his messige--that Chase an Seward were pullin rite in contrary direcshins, an what to do he didn"t know. So I jest packed up my things, took my pipe in my mouth an my old hickery in my hand, and started. I strapped my axe on the outside of my trunk, for this is the only weepin, besides my hickory cane, that I ever carry. Goin down to the cars I met Deacon Jenkins, who went on to Washinton, you recollect, to make the Kernel"s sojer clothes, an ses he, "Majer, what are you takin your axe with you to Washinton for?" "Wal," ses I, "Deacon, I expect I shall get awful, tarin mad with them Abolitionists this winter in Washinton, an ther ain"t eny way that I kin work off a fit of that kind except by goin out to the wood-house an choppin wood. So I determined to take along my axe. It is one the old Ginneral used when he got mad, an I have always preserved it to remember him, ef nothin else."
I got to Washinton all safe, an went direct to the White House. The feller who tends the door didn"t know me at first; but when he saw my hickery he began to open his eyes, I tell you. Ses he, "You are Majer Downing, I believe," bowin like and sc.r.a.pen his feet, as ef he thought I keered for that. Ses I, "Yes, I"m Majer Jack Downing, an you jest tell the President, about as quick as time will let you, that I"m here." So he run up-stairs, an I went after him, stoppin in the room where the offis-seekers have to wait, to take a good look down the Potomack to see ef things looked nateral. I hadn"t stood there more than a minit when who should c.u.m up behind me but Linkin himself. He caught rite hold of my hand, an ses he, "Majer, how are you? I"m tickled to deth to see you;" an he kept shaken my hand as ef he thought it was made of lether. Ses I, "Kernel, do you want me to help write your messige?" Ses he, "Of course I do, Majer." "Wal, then," ses I, "please don"t shake that hand eny more, for you"ve pretty nigh mashed it now." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, I couldn"t help it, for it seems as ef Providence sent you jest in the nick of time." Ses I, "How is that?"
"Wal," ses he, "the Cabynet is in session, an I"ve just finished tellin them one of Artemus Ward"s best stories, an got "em all into a good humor. The messige is the very thing they met to discuss, an you"re c.u.m rite in the nick of time," hittin me, as he spoke, a slap on the back that made the cold chills run over me.
Nothin would do but I must go in and hear the discusshin. So I walked in as large as life. I knew "em all, an they all knew me. They pretended to be rale glad to see me, perticularly Stantin; but he needn"t try to deceeve me, for under them spectacles of his I see a pair of hyena eyes. I tell you that that man will bear watchin.
However, I sed nothin; but after the how-do-doos were over, I laid my old hickery on the table, took out my pipe, an went to smokin. The Kernel then called the meetin to order, an sed he wanted a short ackount of each department, so he could fix up his messige, an he also wanted the opinion of each one as to what he thought ought to be done with the southern States after the rebellyon is crushed. Fust, he called upon Seward.
Wal, Seward said that furrin affairs were all rite; that he had offered to carry out the policy of England all over the country, an set up a monarchy, ef necessary, to put down the Dimmycrats, an that upon his faithfully promising to do this, the British Government at once seized the rebil rams. That as for the southern States, he thought the best thing that could be done with them, for the good of the country an the grate cause of humanity, was to turn "em all into one big plantation an make Thurlow Weed Chief Manager.
Then Chase spoke. He sed the finances were in a flourishing condishin.
He now had five hundred printin presses to work makin money; that the debt warn"t only $5,000,000,000,000; that every body was gettin rich, an that the way to treat the southern States an save the country was just this: Issue a Proclamashin that only jest enough cotton should be raised for him to print greenbacks on, an then he could control the currency in spite of all the copperhead gold speculaters in creashin.
Stantin sed that his department was all right. That he had got rid of all the copperhed ginrals, and had left the track clear for the next President to be a genuine Abelishinist. That all that was necessary now was to keep the war up till after the next Presidential elecshin, and he thought he could do it. As for the southern States, he was for givin the n.i.g.g.e.rs the plantations and makin the whites their slaves.
Then old grandfather Welles got up, strokin his long white beard. He sed that nothin could save the nashin but gunboats; that he was buildin one a day now, except on the Sabbath, which he piously devoted to prayin an fastin, and to dividin the contracks among his relashins. He thought the South ought to be surrounded with a wall of gunboats from Texas to Maryland.
The next one that spoke was Blair. He said he hadn"t stopped a single paper durin" the hull year, an he was only sorry that he ever did; that he had only given the papers he stopped more circulashin than they ever had before; that no one would ever catch him into another such a sc.r.a.pe. As for the southern States, he was down on all the Radikels. He sed they might be allowed to c.u.m back jest as they wanted to.
When it c.u.m Daddy Bates" turn, he was fast asleep. When Linkin told him what he wanted, he sed it warn"t for him to say what should be done with the Southern States. After it was decided what to do with "em, he supposed they would want a legal opinion on the subject, an he could give one on either side, he did"nt care which.
After they had all got thru, Linkin turned to me, an ses he, "Majer, what do you think about this matter?" I knocked the ashes out of my pipe, and ses I, "Wal, I don"t like to give an opinion on the jump, for I hain"t had time yet to see exactly how the land lays here; but," ses I, "as near as I understand it, all these men here are tryin to catch the South first, and then what to do with her afterwards is another question. Now, the South seems to be a good deal like old Sam Odum, up in Maine, when he thought the devil was after him. One night he got to dreaming, and jumped out of bed in his shirt, and ran like all possessed down the street. About a half a dozen neighbors chased him until he run up a tree, out of which they couldn"t get him anyhow. He kept a screaming "the devils are after me," and would fite like a tiger if any one tried to get at him. Finally, old Deacon Peabody c.u.m along, and ses he, "Sam thinks you fellers are the devils that are goin to ruin him; you jist go away and let him alone, and Sam will be hum and in bed afore morning." They tuk his advice, and sure enough, so it was."
When I sed this, Stantin, who is quick as a flash, jumped up, an ses he, "Majer, do you mean to say that we are devils tryin to catch the South?" an he walked rite close up to my face, jest as if he thought he could bully me down. Ses I, "Mr. Secketery, if you will stand back about six inches, you kin see an hear jest as well." He stepped back a little, an I picked up my old hickery, an ses I, "Stantin, do you recollect the time down to Fort Munroe when you tried to get on the President"s trowsers?" I never see a feller wilt so as when I sed this.
He turned all sorts of colors, an wriggled as if he had a pin stickin in him. "Now," ses I, "I didn"t say that you were devils, or anything of the sort, but it seems putty certain that Mr. Stantin feels the shoe pinchin. At all events," ses I, "you ain"t caught the South yet, an consultin what you will do with her before that is like countin chickens before they are hatched."
The Kernel then sed that the session was closed, an after they all axed me to c.u.m an see "em, except Stantin, they went away. I think my story about Sam Odum sot putty strong on "em, an ef they feel like takin it to hum let "em do so, for my rale rite down solemn opinion is, ef these ere Abolishin Cabynet were to stop trying to catch the South, _she would be hum an in the Union bed afore mornin_.
Yourn, till deth,
MAJER JACK DOWNING.
LETTER XXVIII.
_The Major and the "Kernel" at work on the Message--The Major visits Mr. Chase again--Sees the Machines for Printing Greenbacks--A Machine for every General--The accounts mixed up--Mr. Lincoln gets Flighty over them--The Major Puts him to bed, and applies a mustard-plaster--He Revives, and proposes a Conundrum--The Major also proposes one._
WASHINGTON, Nov. 19th, 1863.
_To the Editers of The Dabook:_
SURS:--If I ain"t been bizzy sence I writ you last, then never a man was. Besides, I"ve had a considerabul twinge of my old inemy, the rheumatiz. This ere Washington atmosfere is terribul on the const.i.tushin. The Kernel, too, was nigh about down sick one day; but we both tuk a good, old-fashioned wiskey-sling, of the very best Old Rye, and went to bed on it. The next mornin we both felt fust rate. The Kernel keeps as good wiskey as I ever got enywhere. We have been very hard at work on the messige, and such a time as we have had of it you never did see. Stantin don"t know how meny sojers he has got in the field, nor how meny have been killed or wounded. Grandfather Welles can"t tell how meny gunbotes he"s got, an as for Chase, he don"t purtend to even guess for a certainty how many greenbacks there are aflote, or how big the public debt is. The Kernel sed he couldn"t even lay the foundashin timbers of his messige until he had some figgers about the debt to begin on. So I told him I would go over an see Chase an have a talk with him. I tuk my slate under my arm an started. Soon as I went in Chase tuk me by the hand an sed he was rale down rite glad to see me. I telled him what I wanted, an he sed he would soon have it reddy for me, but jest then he asked me to go up-stairs an see the macheenery an printin presses, and so on, that he had got to make money. He sed the worst of it was that the machenes was constantly gettin out of order, and he wanted to know if I understood anything about sich affairs. I telled him there warnt nothing, from squirrel-traps to dog-churns and thrashing macheenes, that I didn"t know from stem to starn. Then he sed I was jest the chap he wanted. So I went with him, and I was perfectly thunderstruck when I saw all the riggin, and fixins, and belts, and shafts, and pulleys, and machenes all a runnin and whizzin and buzzin, as fast as they could go. Ses the Secketary, "This here macheen runs to pay off Gineral Grant"s troops.
This one runs to pay off Gineral Meade"s troops. This one runs for Gineral Banks. This one is now bizzy for Gineral Burnside, and here is this ere one completely broken down. It is Gineral Gilmore"s macheen!"
"Wal," ses I, "Mr. Secketary, do you have a macheen for every Gineral and every army?" "Yes," ses he, "about that." "Wal," ses I, "what do you do about the contracters?" "Oh," ses he, "I ain"t showed you them yet. That"s in another room." Ses he, "Come along with me." So I follered, and we went off into another room. It was nigh about ten times as big as the first one, and there were hundreds of presses runnin" as fast as they could go. "There," ses he, "if these here machenes were to stop one day, it would set all Wall street into a panic. Sometimes, when the belts give out or the bolts break, or the coal gits short, or paper don"t git in in time, there is a good deal of troubil, but I"ve got it so fixed now that I keep "em putty well supplied." Ses I, "Mr. Secketary, who is your engineer?" "Wal," ses he, "he"s a good trusty man." "But," ses I, "suppose he should bust your bilers, what would Wall street do then?" "Wal," ses he, "I never thought of that, but I guess there ain"t eny danger." "Wal," ses I, "steam is mighty onsartin. Old Aunt Keziah Wiggleton, up in Maine, used to say that the only safe way to run a steamboat was to take the bilers out, and my opinion is, that a government run by steam will bust up one of these days." Chase didn"t seem to like this last remark much, but he didn"t say enything. We c.u.m down stairs putty soon after, and a feller with a brown linen coat on, nigh about all over ink, brought a hull lot of papers covered over with figgers, and sed that Mr. Linkin could find out all he wanted to from them. I looked "em over, but I couldn"t make hed nor tail to them. "Wal," ses I, "perhaps a chap who understands dubble and twisted entry book-keepin" can onderstand this ere figgering, but I"ll be hanged if I kin." Ses I, "Here"s seven thirtys, and five twentys, and six per cents, and five per cents, and bonds and stocks and sartificates, and "68s, and "78s, and "96s, and 158s, and Lord knows how many more 8s, until it gets all mixed up so that you can"t tell enything more about the debt than Stantin kin tell how sojers has been killed and wounded. Now," ses I, "the people don"t care a straw enything about your six twentys, or your five twentys. All they want to know is jest how much money this ere war has cost, and that is what I"me tryin" to figger out for em. When old Ginneral Jackson wanted me to go into Squire"s Biddle"s Bank and cifer out how matters stood I soon did it, but that warn"t eny more comparin to this here affair, than the bunch of elder bushes in Deacon Jenkins"s meadow is to the Dismal Swamp. I tuk the papers, however, over to Linkin, for it was the best I could do. Wen I handed them to the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, does Chase expect me to survive after studyin out these figgers?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I don"t know, but _I think Chase wants to be next President_."
The Kernel tuk the hint rite off; but he sed Chase would never be President, for he wanted to be so bad that he acted all the time as if a b.u.mble bee was stingin him, and that his flyin round so would kill him off, if nothin else. We then both sot down and went to studyin the figgers. I cifered with my slate, and the Kernel made chalk marks on his hat every time we got up to a million of dollars. Purty soon the Kernel"s eyes began to look wild, and ses he, "Majer, where do we land next? Is she hedin up stream or side-ways? She"ll go down, sure as thunder. Well, let her rip; she"s been a sinkin consarn for years." I see at once that the Kernel was flighty. Chase"s figgers had turned his hed, and he thought he was flat-botin agin on the Mississippi river.
But he kept on ravin. Ses he, "Majer, knock that n.i.g.g.e.r off the bow of the bote; he"s rite in the way of the pilot." Ses I, "Kernel, it ain"t safe to hit a n.i.g.g.e.r in these days; Stanton will put me in Fort La Fayette." I thought this might bring the Kernel to his senses, but it didn"t. Ses he, "There it goes, Majer, jest as I told you, rite on that snag. That n.i.g.g.e.r is to blame for the hull of it." I see it was no use, that the Kernel was nigh about stark mad, and so I said to him, ses I, "Let"s put up this work to-night, an go to bed." He didn"t want to, but I dragged him off, an he kept ravin" all the time, "That n.i.g.g.e.r has ruined me! There he comes--he is after me yet!"
As soon as I got the Kernel in bed, I put a double set of mustard plasters on his feet, an then gave him a strong dose of my old remedy, elder-bark tea. I knew that would cure him, if anything on arth. Purty soon the sweat began to start, and the gripin in the bowels began. Jest as soon as this took place, it drawed all the disease out of his head, an the next mornin he was as bright as new dimes used to be when there was sich things.
The fust thing the Kernel sed to me in the mornin was, ses he, "Majer, I hed an awful dream last nite." Ses I, "What was it?" "Wal," ses he, "I dreamt that the n.i.g.g.e.r had destroyed the Union." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, you git nearer the truth in your dreams than you ginrally do when you are wide awake. If you will only have another dream, you will see the Abolishinists have killed the Union, and that the poor n.i.g.g.e.r is only the means that they have used to do it."
The Kernel didn"t say nothin, but looked down on the floor an whistled.
Finally, he tuk out of his pocket one of Chase"s new fifty-cent shinplasters, an ses he, "Majer, kin you tell me why this new currency has the _odor_ of nashinality about it?" "No," ses I, "Kernel, I don"t see it." "Wal," ses he, "because it is _cented_ paper!" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, now kin you tell me why that fifty-cent shinplaster is like the war?" Ses he, "Majer, you"ve got me there." "Wal," ses I, "the face is black, which means that we are fightin to free the n.i.g.g.e.r, and the back is red--for the blood--the price we are payin for it!"
When I sed this the Kernel brought his hand down on the tabil like all possessed, giv a kick with his foot that sent his slipper flyin clear across the room, an ses he, "Majer, by the ----." Ses I, "Kernel, hold on. Do you want to take any more elder-bark tea?" When I sed this he tapered rite down, an ses he, jest as good as pie, "Let"s have some old rye and make frends."
So I didn"t object, but the messige ain"t finished yet, and the Lord only knows when it will be dun.
Yourn till deth,
MAJER JACK DOWNING.
LETTER XXIX.
_The Trouble about the Message--Chase and Seward Find Fault with it--The Story of Old Deacon Grimes" Oven--Mr. Lincoln Overrun with Visitors--The Major Suggests a Way to Get Rid of Them--The Small Pox Dodge--The Message Finished--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story._
WASHINGTON, Dec. 10, 1863.