Linkin ses "he warn"t skeered a hooter, but was only rarin mad." At any rate, he looked awful savage, and ef he had had my axe, I ralely believe he might have split rails enough to fence the Southern Confederacy in.
I had intended to be back to Downingville before the first of June, but Linkin says he won"t hear of my goin until he sees more daylight down South. I must be there the 4th of July, at any rate, for I never allow that day to go by without reviewin the Downingville melisha.
Your friend,
MAJER JACK DOWNING.
LETTER X.
_The Major Troubled with his old Complaint, the "Rumatics"--He Examines the Finances--Mr. Chase Frightened--The Major Figures up the Accounts on His Slate--Returns and Shows the Result to Mr. Lincoln--He is Astounded--The "Kernel and the Majer" Take Some Old Rye--The Major Proposes to Return to Downingville to Spend the 4th of July._
WASHINGTON, June 8th, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--It has been mity onpleasant wether sence I writ you last, an I have had a rale sharp twinge of the rumatics. These cold rains in June are hard on a const.i.tushin that has had a tussle with nigh on to about eighty winters; but howsever, with a little elder bark tee, my favorit remedy wen it"s mixed with a good deal of old rye, I"ve got now about as good as new agin. So the other day I telled Linkin I was going to finish up my sifering on the financies. He sed he wished I would, for he was alreddy beginning to think about laying the foundashin for his nex message, an he wanted the facts to put in. So I telled him he must give me a letter of authority that I might show the Seckatary of the Treasury, so that he would see that I warn"t eny common chap coming to pry into what was none of my business. So Linkin sat down an writ a letter as follows:
"DEAR SUR:--Majer Jack Downing is authorized to examine into the state of the financies _in partickelar_.
"A. LINKIN."
Wen the Kernel first writ the letter, he didn"t have on the last two words in italicks. I asked him to put "em on, an he did. "Majer, what do you want them words for?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, them words will puzzle Chase eenamost to death, an will so trubbel him that he will think ef he dares to keep back the truth, that you"ll be sure to give him his walkin papers. You see, Kernel, you must be a little mysterous with these pollyticians, or else they don"t get afeered of you."
I then put the letter in my hat, rite under the linin, an, takin my slate under my arm, and my hickory in my hand, I started for the Treasury buildin. It aint far from the White House, an I soon got there. It"s a mity big pile of stones, I tell you, and must have cost a heep of money to have got it fixed up so nice. Jest as I was goin in the door, I met Mr. Chase comin out. He knew me an I knew him, tho" he didn"t suspect for a minnit what I was after. Ses he, "Majer, I"m mighty tickled to see you. It does my heart good to see a genuwine loyal man in these days of rebellyn, an I know you"re one." "Wal," says I, "Mr. Seckatary, ef Ginneral Jackson was a loyal man, then I"m one, and ef he warn"t loyal then there ain"t eny sich thing as loyalty." Ses he, "Majer, you"re rite, an what kin I do for you this mornin?" "Wal,"
says I, "Mr. Seckatary, I"ve come around to inquire into the state of the financies. The President ses he"s very busy, an bein as I was good at figers, he wanted me to jest take a look at the books an see how the ackounts stand."
Wen I sed this, I see he didn"t look pleased at all. He began to make sum sort of apologies, that the ackounts were behindhand, and so on, but I telled him I warn"t partickelar about all the little items, an that I only wanted to get at the ginneral sum; but as he still seemed to be hesitatin, thinks I to myself, now"s the time to show him the President"s letter--that will fix him, sure. So I took off my hat and showed it to him. Wen he red it he was as perlite as a n.i.g.g.e.r wen he wants to humbug you. He looked at it a long time before he sed enything. Wen he did speak, ses he, "Majer, what do these last words "in partickelar" mean?" "Wal," ses I, "I don"t know as I can tell. The President put "em in there, and I didn"t ask him what he meant by "em."
You see, I warn"t goin to be fool enough to let him think I had suggested his putting "em there, for that would have spoilt all my plans. I see he was worried, an that was jest what I wanted.
After that he asked me to come in his office, and he began to tell me that the financies were in a very prosperous condishun. He took down a big book which he sed his clarks had prepared for him, so that he could see every Sat.u.r.day night jest how much the Government was in debt. I took a look at it, but I couldn"t tell head nor tail to it. He sed they kept their books by dubbel entry. I telled him that I should think that a single entry would be as many times as such a debt as ours ought to be chalked down. "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, I want to get at this subject in a way that "plain people," as the Kernel says, can understand it." Ses I, "What is the debt now?" "Wal," ses he, "it is $491,000,000." "Is that all?" ses I. "Why, in your report last winter you estimated that it would be $517,000,000, and you don"t say that it is less than the estimate." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, that is what the books say." "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, them books by dubbel entry ain"t worth a peck of saw-dust. There was Deacon Doolittle"s son, Hosea, of Downingville, who went to York and set up the dry-goods business. Wen he failed, his books showed that he was worth two hundred thousand dollars, and yet he didn"t have money enough to get his wife hum to his father"s. You see dubbel entry is a good deal like riding two horses at once; you can"t manage "em, and things get so kinder mixed up in profit and loss, and notes payable and notes receevable, that you can"t tell how you stand. Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, I want to ask you some questshins by single entry, and I will put the ansers down on the slate." Ses I, "Didn"t you say in your report that the estemate for the army was for 400,000 soldiers, $400,000,000; for 500,000 soldiers, $500,000,000, and so on?" "Yes, Majer, that was the statement, I beleeve." "Wal, now," ses I, "we can figer this down in short meter.
How many soldiers have you had?" "Wal," ses he, "over 600,000 have been paid for, nigh about 700,000." "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, you don"t want any dubbel entry, or threbbel entry to get at that; the multiplicashun tabel is just as good a doc.u.ment as I want. Take that and my slate, and I ken figer it up in a minnit. You see, there is $700,000,000 at one slap. Your books may show what you have paid, but you see, Mr. Seckatary, you are running this war on credit, and because you ain"t paid all your debts, that is no sign that you won"t have to.
Besides," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, you have made, you know, some miscalculashuns, and mebby you may make more. In your first report in July, 1861, I"ve ben readin it keerfully, and I"ve got it marked down on the slate here, you sed the expenses for 1862 would be $318,000,000, but in December, you said they would be $543,000,000. Now, here was mistake of over $200,000,000. You sed in July, the tariff would yield $57,000,000. In December you said you could not calculate on over $32,000,000. You estemated the receipts from land sales, in July, at $3,000,000. You cut it down in December to $2,300,000; and now Congress, by pa.s.sing the Homestead bill, will whittle it all off. Here, you see, are some great mistakes, but there are some on the other side of the account. There are some items of expenses, too, which you have omitted. There"s the $30,000,000 recently pa.s.sed to settle up Cameron"s ackounts. Then there is a $100,000,000 of outstandin debts. Then there is $100 bounty to each soldier, which, by the time the war is over will amount to $100,000,000 anyhow. Then there is $1,000,000 given to buy the n.i.g.g.e.rs in this District. Let us see how much that makes. I"ll add it up--$250,000,000, which, added to the $700,000,000, makes $950,000,000, as the present debt Uncle Sam has on his shoulders. You might just as well call it a THOUSAND MILLION OF DOLLARS and be done with it."
Wen I got through, the Seckatary looked amazin red in the face, and ses he, "Majer, the truth is, where there is so many peopul spendin money its mity hard to keep track of all the items." "Wal," ses I, "there ain"t only one more pint on which I want to show you you have made a mistake. In December last, you calkelated that the war expenses for 1863 would be $360,000,000, but the House has already pa.s.sed bills for the army amounting to $520,000,000. Then you thought, Mr. Seckatary, that the war would be ended by July, but here it is about that time, and we only seem to be jest fairly getting into the shank of the fight."
"Wal, to tell the truth, Majer, this war has disappinted the hull of us, but I think I havn"t been so foolish as Seward. I never sed it would end in "sixty days.""
"That"s so," ses I, "but you see there"s nothin like tellin the truth rite out, and its allus very bad to deceive the people on money matters. You may love the n.i.g.g.e.rs, Mr. Seckratary, as much as you want to, but don"t try to pull _the wool_ over white folks" eyes, or let other people do it, for it will break down the administration as sure as my name is Majer Jack Downing."
"Wal," ses he, "Majer, that"s so, and when I send in my next report, I"m goin to jest speak rite out. I"ve tried to do my best to keep down expenses, but I can"t, and when I get another chance I"me goin to put the blame where it belongs."
Ses I, "That"s rite, Mr. Seckratary. Don"t let the raskils git clear without bein exposed. But ef you undertake to cover up their tracks, you will come out jest as old Squire Biddle did in that United States Bank matter."
I then bid the Seckratary "good mornin," and started back to the White House. He was very perlite to me, and said he hoped the President and me would look at the subjeck favorably. I telled him that the Kernel would do what was jest rite, and that ef he would only keep a sharp lookout on the plunderers and stealers, I would be his friend till deth. He sed he would, and we shook hands and parted.
Wen I got back Linkin sot in a cheer fast asleep, with his feet up on a tabel. I giv the tabel a rap with my hickory, and the Kernel stratened up jest like openin a jack nife, and ses he, "Was I asleep, Majer?"
"Yes, jest as solid as a saw-log. What on arth makes you sleep," ses I, "rite in the middle of the day?" "Wal," ses he, "Majer, the truth is, I was readin the Nashinal _Intelligencer!_" "Sure enuf," ses I, "that"s worse than opium." "But," says he, "what about the finances?" Then I showed him the slate, and how I had figered up the debt, and told him all I sed to Mr. Chase. I never see a man so fl.u.s.trated as Linkin was.
"Wal," ses he, "Majer, ef I was only back to Illinoy safe and sound, you wouldn"t never ketch me a runnin for President agin. I had no idee that the debt was anything like this. But ef the music has to be faced, I"ll face it. There"s one thing, Majer, that we"ve got the advantage of any other administrashin in. We can say that this debt was a "military necessity!" That cuts off debate." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, perhaps the people will be satisfied with that, and perhaps they won"t. Any how, that won"t make it any easier to pay the taxis." "Wal," says Linkin, "we"ll leave that subjec to posterity." Ses I, "Is that fair, Kernel, to burden posterity in that fashun?" "Wal," ses he, "what"s posterity ever done for us?"
The Kernel then took down the figers off my slate in his book, and sed he would keep "em for his nex message.
Then Linkin, ses he, "Majer, you"ve worked like a nailer on these figers, an it"s an awful dry an tough subjec. So I think you better have some old rye to sort of top off with." Then he called the feller in purty bad clothes, who does arrands, and telled him to bring out the black bottle. "Now, Majer," ses the Kernel, "take a good swig. It will be healthy for your rumatiz. As for me, I"ll jest take a little for company sake. I don"t drink myself, you know, Majer, but I like to have a little old rye aroun; an I allus tell the old woman ef there"s eny of it missin not to ask eny questshins." After we got dun drinking, ses I, "Kernel, I have been here with you ever sence the 1st of February, an wen I c.u.m I didn"t expec to stay more than a month. Now, the 4th of July is comin along close at hand, an I must be thinking about gettin back to Downingville, for I must be there before the 4th. Now," ses I, "Kernel, ef you"ll only go along with me down there, as Ginneral Jackson did, I"ll promise you a great recepshun."
"Wal," ses he, "Majer, I can"t go. The truth is, the rebils need watchin. But you tell the Downingville folks that jest as soon as the rebelyun is put down, I"m comin down ther. A town that can turn out such a loyall regiment as the "Downingville Insensibles," and such talented officers as Insine Stebbins, must be, as we Westerners say, "a heep of a place." I"m sorry to have you go, Majer, but I hope you"ll be able to c.u.m back after the nashinul annyversary."
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I can"t promis, but I"ll see how my rumatiz gets on."
I shall pack up in a few days, onless somethin onexpected occurs, and it may be the next time you heer from me, will be from Downingville. If you print this letter, I hope you"ll apologize for its dullness, for figgers are mity dry readin for most peepel. However, ef they don"t study into figgers about these days, it won"t be long, I"me afeered, before they"ll be sorry they didn"t.
Your frend,
MAJER JACK DOWNING.
LETTER XI.
_The Major Does not go to Downingville--Loses His Hickory--Gets a Bottle of Whiskey by Adams Express Co.--The Major Declines to Sign the Receipt at First--Whiskey and the Const.i.tution--"The Const.i.tushinal Teliskope"--A Magical Change--Mr. Seward"s Trick--The Major Discovers it--A Negro in It._
WASHINGTON, June 18, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--I expect you"ll be struck all aback to git anuther letter from me, dated Washington, and I"m kinder surprised myself, for I expected to be in Downingville, long afore this. But you"ll see by the time you git through this letter, that it was impossibul for me to leave. I got my trunks all packed up and ready to start, when lo! and beheld, my hickery, that Ginneral Jackson give me, was missin! Now, I couldn"t no more travil without my hickery cane then I could sodder up this broken Union with skim milk. I told Linkin I was all ready, but that my hickery was missin. So he called the feller in putty bad close, who does ch.o.r.es around the White House, and asked him if he"d seen it? He sed he hadn"t. Then I reckollected that there had been a Cabbynet meetin the night before, and it struck me that some of the members had walked off with it. So Linkin sent the feller around to see. After he"d gone, I told Linkin ef any of "em had it that I"d bet it was Stantin, for ses I, "Kernel, ever sense he tried to get on your trowsers down to Fort Monrow, he"s acted jest as ef he wanted to play Ginneral Jackson, and ef he can git a piece of hickery that the old Ginneral has handled, he"d think that he was on the road to glory." Sure enuf he had it, but pretended it was all a mistake, jest as he did when I caught him in the Kernel"s trowsers. Depend upon it, Stantin needs watchin, for he is one of them kind of fellers who"s got it into ther head that they are forordained for somethin, and they don"t know what.
The loss of my hickery kept me over one day longer, and the next day I got the bottle of Borebon whiskey which you sent to me. A feller by the name of Adams fetched it, and he wouldn"t take any pay for his trubble either. I asked him ef he was eny relashin to Phil Adams, who used to keep a tanyard in Downingville, as he was a very clever man, and used to do enything for his naybors for nothin. The chap laughed rite out loud at this, and sed "He didn"t see it." Ses I, "What don"t you see?"
"Wal," sed he, "never mind, old feller, about tellin long stories, but jest put your name rite down there," and he handed out a big book full of writin. Ses I, "Mr. Adams, I never put my name to enything that I don"t understand." Ses I, "That may be a secesh docyment for all I know." Ses the feller, ses he, "Git out! this is only a receipt for that bottle." "Wal," ses I, "ef that"s all, then here goes." So I got my spectacles and a quill pen, for I never rite with eny of the new-fangled kinds, and I jest rote out "Majer Jack Downing" in a stile that made the fellow stare. Ses I, "Mr. Adams, you have some awful poor riters among the fellers you deal with, but I ain"t ashamed of that ritin enywhere." The chap he looked at it a moment, and then he looked at me, and finally ses he, "Bully for you," and in a jiffy he was off, without even shakin hands or sayin good by.
After he was gone I took the bottle into Linkin"s room and opened it.
"Now," ses I, "Kernel, let"s try this licker." "Wal," ses he, "Major, I"m a good judge of Borebon, for it comes from my old State of Kentuck." Wen Linkin saw the name on the bottle, "Mr. Cotton, 306 Washington street, N.Y.," ses he, "Major, do you think this is loyal wiskey?" "Why," ses I, "Kernel, what makes you ask that questshin?"
"Wal," ses he, "don"t you see the man"s name is _Cotton_!" "Now,"
ses I, "Kernel, what an idee that is! Do you suppose it would be dangerous for him to live down in Secesh, where they are burning _cotton_ as fast as they kin?" "Wal, never mind the name, Majer, let us taste of the wiskey. I can tell whether its loyal or not." So I opened the bottle and poured out some, and the Kernel took a good swig.
I also took a snifter, and we both p.r.o.nounced it A No. 1 licker, and loyal, too. "Now," ses I, "Kernel, can you tell me why this wiskey is like the Const.i.tushin of the United States?" "No," ses he, "I don"t see eny simularity." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, this wiskey was made for _White Men_, jest as the Const.i.tushin was." Ses he, "Majer, how do you know it was made for white men?" "Wal," see I, "it is jest as plain to me as daylight. You see, Kernel, the licker agrees with you. It tastes good.
It won"t hurt you; in a word, it corresponds with natur. That"s a sign it was made for you. Jest so it was with the Const.i.tushin. It applies to white men exactly, and they"ve always got along together with it fust rate. Now, you give this wiskey to the n.i.g.g.e.rs, and they get drunk on it, and cut up all sorts of sc.r.a.pes, but white men, whom it was made for, know jest how to use it, and it don"t do them eny hurt. Jest so with the Const.i.tushin; you apply it to n.i.g.g.e.rs and it is jest as bad for "em as wiskey. They don"t know how to use it, an they"ll destroy everything, an make themselves an everybody else ten times worse off."
"Wal," ses the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, I wish I could see how it is that the Const.i.tushin don"t apply to n.i.g.g.e.rs jest as much as to white men." Ses I, "Kernel, you don"t look at the Const.i.tushin thru const.i.tushinal spectacles. That Chicago Platform bothers you." "Now,"
ses I, "Kernel, ef I"ll make you a Const.i.tushinal Tellskope, will you promise me to use it? If you will, it will be about as good a guide to you as ef I staid here all summer myself?" Ses I, "It will show the Const.i.tushin as it is, an the Union as it was." Wen I spoke of this, Linkin sed he"d be tickled eenamost to deth ef I would make him one. So I told him I could do it in one day, an that although I was very anxus to get hum, yet I"d fix this up before I started. So I jest went up to my room and began to plan. I had a pair of old spectacles, which Ginneral Jackson give me, and I knew that the gla.s.ses were jest as sound const.i.tushinal gla.s.ses as were ever looked thru. So I took "em out of the cases, an got a magnifyin gla.s.s and put between "em, an fixed "em in a long, narrer box. It took me about all day before I got it finished. Wen it was all done, I looked thru it, and you never see sech a glorious site. I could see jest as ef it was the hull Union layin out before me. There was the Stars and Stripes, an the eagle, an thirty millions of white people, all happy an contented, an joy an prosperity smilin everywhere. An the sky seemed to be bendin down so as to almost tech the arth, an away up in the clouds I could see rais of light streemin forth, an I thought I could even see the angil robes of Washington, an Jefferson, an Madison, and the old Ginneral lookin down, an rite over the hull was the words, "GLORY" and "PEACE," in grate big letters. It was raley beautiful. I got a lookin at it, an forgot all about myself, in a sort of a reveree, and wen I c.u.m to, I found I"d been cryin, because, you see, that was the Union _as it was_, an not as it is now. In fact, wen I got awake, I found it was eenamost pitch dark, an so Linkin couldn"t look thru the Teliskope that nite. Then I got a piece of chalk, an marked it "LINKIN"S TELISKOPE," an took it to him.
"There," ses I, "Kernel, that Teliskope is done, an to-morrow you kin take a look at the Union as it was, an the Const.i.tushin as it is." Ses I, "The scene is a glorious one." So I left the Teliskope in Linkin"s room that nite, an went to bed.
The next morning after I got my breakfast, I went in, "And now," ses I, "Kernel, we must try the Teliskope." So I thought I"d look thru fust to see ef the gla.s.ses were set all rite, wen I was never so took aback in my life. Instead of the joy and happiness, and the smilin faces, and the thirty millions of white people, the rais of lite in the sky with "GLORY and PEACE" on em, all was dark and dismal. All I could see was some 4,000,000 of n.i.g.g.e.rs, and war, and bloodshed, and misery, camps full of sick sojers and broken waggons, wimmen and children cryin, and the sky was black, and away up on a black cloud, in letters still blacker, I could see the words "NEGRO FREEDOM and WAR."
I jumped back as ef I was. .h.i.t wen I saw it. Ses Linkin, "What"s the matter, Majer?" Ses I, "Kernel, that Teliskope is all out of order. It ain"t rite." But Linkin sed he hadn"t teched it, so I was puzzled. So after thinkin awhile, ses I, "Kernel, was there enybody here last nite after I went away!" "Yes," ses he, "Boss Seward came in for a while and talked over matters." Ses I, "Did he tech this?" "Wal, he was lookin kinder inquirin at it, and I telled him what it was, and he seemed to be grately struck, and examined it very clus."