"Go on," Brett said, giving me a little nudge.
Dipping my trowel into the barrel, I leaned over her, my hand quivering, and touched her forehead.
Surprised by how cold her skin was, I jolted, spilling the soil everywhere. Everyone looked in my direction, and I bent down, mortified, and tried to scoop the soil up from the deck.
"Just leave it, Renee," my grandfather said, pulling me up by the arm.
I walked to the edge of the boat, feeling lost. On the bench across from me sat Eleanor"s mother, hugging her knees as her blond hair blew around her face. Our eyes met for the briefest moment, before we both looked away. After my parents, after Dante, I still didn"t know what to do when confronted with death. That"s the thing n.o.body tells you. It never gets easier.
The captain opened a latch, pulling open a gate in the handrail at the edge of the deck. With some effort, my grandfather and three other men shifted the lid onto Miss LaBarge"s casket, closed it firmly, then lifted the sealed box to the edge of the deck and slid it into the water. The splash was much smaller than I had expected, and I leaned over the railing and watched as the casket trembled on the surface for a moment before sinking into the sea, a tiny trail of bubbles rising behind the box as if Miss LaBarge had let out one last breath.
That night my grandfather and I returned to the mansion in silence. I tried to sleep but kept being shaken awake by the p.r.i.c.kling presence of Dante, as if he were in the room with me, his cold breath tickling my lips. Kicking off the covers, I went to the window, my head throbbing with distorted images: the tip of Miss LaBarge"s nose as she lay in the casket; Brett chewing a crab canape, the crumbs clinging to his chin as he asked me about Dante.
I pressed my fingers against the pane of gla.s.s, now cool from the night air, and imagined I was touching Dante. Cracking open the window, I let the chilly air flutter against the top of my nightgown. Outside, the trees that lined the driveway flexed and bowed in the wind, their shadows shifting across the pavement. I watched them, waiting for Dante"s face to emerge out of the darkness, until the sun rose over the horizon.
The mail arrived early. I jolted awake at the chimes of the doorbell. Through the window I could see a lanky mailman standing on the front stoop, adjusting the bag on his shoulder as he admired the facade of the mansion. Downstairs I could hear Dustin shuffle to the door and greet him.
After pulling on a cardigan, I ran downstairs. Dustin was standing in the foyer, signing something on a clipboard. When he was finished, the mailman handed him a single letter.
"What is it?" I asked, watching Dustin turn it over before shutting the door.
He jumped. "Oh, Renee," he said, composing himself. "How convenient. It"s for you."
Hoping it was from Eleanor, I took the letter from him and immediately knew it wasn"t. The envelope was made of a heavy paper, the color of bone. My name was inscribed in fine print. The return address read: Gottfried Academy. I tore the seal open.
Gottfried Students and Parents: We are deeply saddened to report that the Gottfried community has lost another one of its members. Annette LaBarge, alumna and celebrated philosophy professor, has pa.s.sed away. She was a friend, colleague, and mentor to many of us at the Academy, and our hearts go out to her family and loved ones.
This tragedy has forced us to evaluate the larger picture of our recent history at Gottfried. After the unfortunate loss of a student, Gideon DuPont, and Headmistress Calysta Von Laark in an accident last spring, along with the unsettling events of two years ago when we lost an esteemed member of our student body, Benjamin Gallow, we no longer believe that Gottfried Academy can provide a safe and healthy learning environment for our students. After careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to close Gottfried"s doors. The Academy will only remain open to provide services to a small number of students with special needs.
Should you have any questions regarding matriculation at our sister school, Lycee St. Clement, or lingering thoughts about the recent losses to our family, I encourage you to contact me or any Gottfried staff member. Individually and as a community, we remain committed to the health and future success of all our students.
Sincerely yours, Professor Edith Lumbar I looked out the windows at the mail truck disappearing behind the trees. Somewhere inside me I had known that Gottfried would have to close; I just didn"t think it actually would. But when I looked down, the letter was still there in my hand, and none of the words had changed.
Dustin glanced at me before picking up a tray with coffee and scones. "I"m so sorry, Renee."
"Did you know about this?"
Dustin"s face dropped. "Oh, no. I-er-why don"t you talk to your grandfather," he said, and hurried into the hallway, carrying the platter to my grandfather"s study. I followed him.
Dustin knocked. "Come in," my grandfather said, taking off his reading gla.s.ses when he saw me.
"Is it true?" I demanded, handing him the letter.
He took it from me and skimmed it.
"Yes," he said. "And no."
I shook my head. "What?"
"You will not be returning to Gottfried," he said, tossing the letter aside. "But I will be."
I must have looked confused, because he continued. "I will be resuming my position as headmaster. Gottfried is going to be a disciplinary school for the Undead, where we can monitor them in privacy, and, as necessary, put them to rest without risk of exposure. The Academy is returning to its roots-the way it began, under Dr. Bertrand Gottfried and his nurses."
My chair creaked as I sat back. So that"s what the letter meant by "special needs." But where would I go? Where would everyone go? I couldn"t return to a normal school now. Not after everything I knew, after everything I had seen and done. I thought about Eleanor, about the Board of Monitors and the chimneys and Grub Day. They were the only things that had helped me rebuild my life after I"d lost my parents. They had become my life. How could I move on from Gottfried now?
"You will continue on to Lycee St. Clement, Gottfried"s sister school, and an academy solely for Monitors."
From the foyer, the clock chimed nine times. "A Monitors" academy?" I repeated. How would I see Dante? How would I tell him what was happening or where I was going? It would be hard enough to see him at Gottfried, but at least there, he knew where I was. And there was the distraction of other Undead students. We could have met off campus. We could have found a way. But at a Monitors" academy, there wouldn"t be any Undead to m.u.f.fle Dante"s presence, and the entire student body along with the professors would be able to sense him. Would be training to sense him.
"Many of your cla.s.smates will move to St. Clement with you. People from your horticulture cla.s.s...It won"t be a difficult transition," my grandfather continued. "Of course, those who are Undead will remain at Gottfried. And the rest, well, who knows. I suppose they"ll go to a normal school-"
I cut him off. "Where is it?"
"Montreal, Canada. It"s just across the border, really. Not far at all."
"Canada?" I should have been upset, but instead, all I could hear were Brett"s words: People are saying he left for Canada. Was there a chance that they were right, and Dante was already waiting for me in Montreal?
"You"re upset," my grandfather said, leaning back in his chair, his wrinkled knuckles turning white as he gripped the armrests. "The limiting of Gottfried to only Undead students was not my decision. But the events of last year are impossible to ignore when the welfare of both students and professors is at stake."
Trying to compose myself, I looked up at him. "Fine," I said, my voice weary as I grasped on to the only hope I had: that fate was on my side and Dante was somewhere in Canada. "When do I leave?"
SIX LETTERS, ENDS WITH RY." Dustin tried to write it out for me, but his pen was dry. He shook it and then tried again. We were on an airplane, traveling to Quebec.
I blinked. While he dug through his bag, looking for a replacement, an image of a bird flashed into my head, as if it were engraved on the underside of my eyelids. Without knowing why, I was overwhelmed with the desire to find this bird. To have it for my own.
"Ah," Dustin said, emerging with a pencil in hand. He hovered over his crossword puzzle. "Now, where was I? Oh yes, number seventeen across-"
The answer seemed so obvious that I didn"t even let Dustin finish his sentence. "Canary."
He counted the letters, and threw down his pen. "Now how did you know that? I hadn"t even read you the clue yet."
"I don"t know. I-I guess it was just on my mind." I averted my eyes to the little window, where I gazed at the clouds below.
"You must have inherited that gift from your mother. She was a master of crossword puzzles. Always used to sneak them under the table during breakfast."
"What was the clue?"
"Blank in a coal mine."
"Was I right?"
Dustin let out a laugh. "Yes, of course."
"A canary in a coal mine?" I said, turning the words over in my mouth. The saying sounded familiar, though I couldn"t remember where I had heard it. "What does it mean?"
"You don"t know?" His face wrinkled with surprise. "Miners used to bring canaries down into the coal pits to test for poisonous gas. Canaries are very sensitive to that kind of thing, and if there was any gas, the birds would die immediately, alerting the miners to evacuate." Dustin tilted his seat forward and back. "Isn"t it marvelous?" he said. "At this very moment we"re thousands of feet above the earth, shooting through the air!"
Despite how gloomy I felt, I couldn"t help but smile as I watched him fiddle with the b.u.t.tons on his armrest. Dustin loved airplanes. The compartmentalized meals, the in-flight magazines, the flight attendants in their prim outfits, pointing front, back, side, side.
"Beverage?" an attendant asked, pushing a cart down the aisle.
"I"ll have a club soda, please," Dustin said, and then changed his mind. "No-make that a cranberry juice." As she filled a cup with ice, Dustin interjected, "Actually, could you change that to a tomato c.o.c.ktail?"
He turned to me, looking pleased. "Lovely," he said, as if the flight attendant couldn"t hear him. He shook a bag of peanuts with delight. "Everything is in miniature!"
Picking up Dustin"s magazine, I flipped through it, glancing at the ads until I stumbled across a map of North America. I spread it out on the folding table "Have you ever been to Lake Erie?" I asked, staring at its blue shape.
The smile faded from Dustin"s face. "Yes."
"What"s it like?"
"Cold. Wet."
"Were they close?" I asked. "My mom and Miss LaBarge?"
He loosened his seat belt. "When they were your age they were inseparable. Except when your father was around, of course."
Finding Montreal on the map, I laid my hand down on the page. The width of one index finger-that was how far away my grandfather"s house in Ma.s.sachusetts was from the city. Two index fingers-that was how far away from Montreal Miss LaBarge was when she died. Four index fingers -that was how far away my parents were when they died. I spread out my hand across the page-that was where Dante could be. Anywhere. And every day we were apart felt like a lifetime lost.
"Do you ever feel like you"re running out of time?" I asked Dustin.
He stared at the ice cubes in his drink. "Always."
"So what do you do about it?"
"Nothing," he said. "I just try to enjoy the time I do have. That"s all we can do, really."
The rest of the flight was quick; it seemed like we had just boarded when three chimes sounded over the intercom, followed by the flight attendant"s voice, announcing in both French and English that we had begun our descent. Dustin leaned over me to look out the window. The blue sky faded as we entered the clouds, and was replaced by the tiny lights of buildings, the irregular spirals of roads. And then, through the mist, an island emerged.
Montreal was a castle of a city, surrounded by water on all sides, and connected to the mainland by bridges. After going through customs, we rented a compact car and set out for St. Clement, in the old part of town, Vieux-Port. We drove down a street called rue Notre-Dame, which was lined with uneven sidewalks and town houses capped with mansard roofs.
It was an overcast afternoon, the air warm and thick. I rolled down my window as we pa.s.sed a group of bicyclists, all wearing little hats. One of them turned to me as we pa.s.sed, his hair pulled back into a messy knot. Dante, I thought as I pressed my nose to the window. But it was just a tall man with long hair. He winked as we turned down rue Saint Maurice. There, we drove until we pa.s.sed a narrow street with no sign. Slowing to a stop, Dustin looked over his shoulder, and then reversed until we were even with the unnamed street, which was really more of an alleyway. Dustin squinted at the stained brick buildings.
"If my memory serves me correctly, this is it," he said finally, and turned. The cobblestones were slanted, putting our tiny car on an incline.
A pair of pigeons flew out of our way and flapped around the alley as we squeezed past the trash bins that lined the curb. The street ended at a sign that read PEt.i.t RUE SAINT CLeMENT.
It was only slightly larger than the alley, but much sunnier. Dustin took a left, and a few hundred feet down, pulled up in front of a large stone building with an arched entranceway. Etched over it in large letters was: LYCeE SAINT CLeMENT.
A security guard sauntered toward us. Setting down my bags, Dustin fished around in his pockets for a piece of paper. Upon reading it, the guard uttered something in French to us, making hand gestures. To my surprise, Dustin seemed to understand. "Merci, monsieur," he said, with what sounded like a perfect accent, and picked up my bags.
"I didn"t know you could speak French," I said as we crossed a gra.s.sy courtyard surrounded by the school. In the middle was a fountain. Two girls were standing next to it, holding books as the water spouted behind them.
"Nor did I," said Dustin. "The last time I spoke it was a lifetime ago."
We entered one of the buildings on the far side of the courtyard, which said FEMMES. Unlike the Gottfried dormitories, this one was small and cozy. A plush carpet blanketed the lobby, which was furnished with overstuffed sofas. A bulletin board hung on one wall, cluttered with tacks and colorful fliers. Potted plants streamed over the windowsills, and bra.s.s numbers and nameplates decorated each of the doors. Upstairs we found a maze of hallways lined with rose wallpaper, and crowded with girls hauling trunks, suitcases, and piles of books into their rooms. They barely paid attention to me as I squeezed past them.
My room was nestled into a sunny corner of the building with one other room, number 32, labeled with the name CLEMENTINE LAGUERRE. Mine was number 31. I fumbled with the keys, pushing the door open just as Dustin, hauling the luggage, caught up with me.
The only word to describe it was lovely. An arched hallway led to a series of little areas: a sink and mirror, a bedroom with a real potbellied stove, and small balcony that overlooked the courtyard. There was even a beautiful old fireplace, which had been sealed years ago, according to Dustin, after a bad fire. But the most foreign thing of all was that I had the whole room to myself.
The only shared part was the bathroom, which connected my room and Clementine"s, and had a deep porcelain tub that could fit three of me in it. I fiddled with the k.n.o.bs on the bidet, turning the right one around and around, but nothing happened. It must be broken, I thought, hitting it with my hand just as Dustin said something from the other room. Suddenly, water burst out of the spigot, spraying my legs.
"What?" I shouted, jumping out of the way.
"I said, someone just slipped an envelope under the door. Would you like me to open it?"
"Okay," I said, struggling with the faucet.
"Promptly report to the gymnasium at nine a.m. on Monday for your placement examination.""
Wiping off my shorts, I went to the main room. "A placement test?"
"Yes," Dustin said, checking his watch. "Tomorrow." When he saw my wet clothes, he chuckled and dug through my bag until he found a towel.
"Tomorrow? But I don"t even know what the test is on."
"I"m sure it will be fine," Dustin said. He pulled some sheets from my bag and stretched one over the mattress. When I tried to help, he swatted me away.
Of course he thought it was fine; he wasn"t the one who had to take the exam. I blew a wisp of hair from my face before beginning to unpack. While we worked, Dustin taught me tidbits of French. "La pelle," he said, handing me a shovel. "Les pieces," he continued, handing me a bag of coins with the rest of my Monitor supplies. "La vie." Life. "La mort." Death. He unpacked my old philosophy books from Miss LaBarge"s cla.s.s, and glanced out the window. The sun was setting behind the buildings. "ephemere." And after dusting off my bookshelf one last time, he said, "Cri de coeur," and hugged me good-bye, hurrying back to the airport to catch his flight home. After he left, I looked it up in my French dictionary. It meant a cry of the heart.
That evening I skipped dinner and spent the rest of the night alone in my room. I only ventured out once to carry my trash to the bins, but ended up getting lost in the maze of hallways as I tried to find my way back to my room. I ended up in a side hall that looked just like mine, except that the room number was 21, and the name on the door read ANYA PINSKY. It was ajar, revealing a messy clutter of boxes and clothes, the room half decorated with tall gla.s.s candles and colorful charms. A girl with hair dyed a dark, unnatural red was holding a bundle of linens and having an argument with an older man in what sounded like Russian. When she saw me looking in, she squinted at me and then walked to the door and shut it.
The door beside it was painted shut with so many layers that I could barely see the seam of the wall. BROOM CLOSET, it read.
I tried to retrace my steps, making a few wrong turns until I finally found my door. Shutting myself inside, I sat on my bed and listened through the walls to the girls walking down the hall, speaking to each other in French. I didn"t know who they were or what they were saying; I wasn"t even sure that I wanted to know. They lived in a different world than I did. I could tell by the way they were laughing, by the fact that they could laugh.
Just as I was falling asleep, I heard the toilet flush from the shared bathroom, and sat up. "Eleanor?" I said, staring at the other side of the dark room before realizing that I was alone. If Dustin were here, he would tell me the word in French. Turning on the light, I picked up the pocket dictionary he"d left for me. "Alone" had eight entries. "Seul. Isole. Separe. ecarte. Solitaire. Singulier. Sans aide. Perdu." Which kind was I? Left behind by my parents, by Miss LaBarge. Separated from Dante. Isolated from the people around me. Lost.
I was closing the book when the phone rang. Startled, I jumped.
"Renee?" a hushed voice said as I held the receiver to my ear.
"Eleanor?" I said, a little louder than I had intended, and then repeated, "Eleanor?"
I heard a breath on the other line. "It"s really you," she said, uncharacteristically monotone.
"It"s really you," I repeated, leaning against the wall. She must have been back at Gottfried, calling me from the room we used to share. "I feel like I haven"t seen you in ages."
"I know," Eleanor said, her voice duller than I remembered.
"And your postcards-I don"t know how I would have gotten through the summer without them."
"Well, it gave me something to do. My mom was driving me insane all summer. Anyway, how is it over there?"
I sighed.
"Same here at Gottfried," she said. "They"ve been calling each of us in to be questioned. About Miss LaBarge"s death." Her voice didn"t waver when she said Miss LaBarge"s name, as if she were talking about a stranger rather than our philosophy professor.