Chapter 1023. Han Haneul
I was unable to say anything. What was this man saying? He wants to save his own life in exchange for his own?
-I have foreseen this ever since your consciousness had taken root. You must have thought about it endlessly, about the reason, the value, the purpose of your existence. You are a fully-fledged human. You know joy, and you know sadness. You must also know the fear that death will bring you. Yet, you still used your own life as a betting chip, and that must be for your physical body below. You have judged that making Han Maru down there live is more beneficial for you. Truly, a calculative answer.
"As you say, I"m afraid of dying. However, I am destined to end once the Han Maru down there meets his death."
-You may also live on as a soul for eternity in this place.
"You should already know that that is an even more terrifying punishment. No matter how hard I thought, there was only one answer. The physical body, with which you can feel the density of life, is very important. Rather than I, who will wander for all eternity without aim as a soul, I feel that Han Maru down there is closer to the essence, as someone with a physical body. If a dummy could sacrifice himself for the original, it"s not a bad deal."
-You might be the most similar to the Han Maru who experienced his first death a long time ago. The man dying down there might be an empty sh.e.l.l instead. Isn"t it a waste to just disappear like this?
I looked at him, who stayed quiet. He nodded as though to ruminate on G.o.d"s question before putting on a faint smile.
"I cannot embrace the one I love. I cannot go traveling with the child that will be born. It is also impossible for me to earn money for the sake of my family. However, that fellow down there can do all that, as he has a physical body. Rather than the uniqueness of the psyche, the existence of the bones and flesh is more important. And also, I"m okay since I have faith that the person down there will do well. I believe in the man named Han Maru."
-I understand. I accept your request.
The moment their conversation ended, I interrupted. I looked at him right next to me and spoke,
"Do you even know what you"re saying right now?"
"I understand perfectly."
"No, you don"t understand at all. If you die here, it"ll be over. There will be no next time. You will disappear for good."
"That might be for the better."
He approached me, his expression tranquil. It felt like the sense of pain I had forgotten about had come back to me. My head ached, and my breath was stifled. Whether it was my husband down there or the man over here, they were both Han Maru. I wanted to grab this man"s collars, who spoke so easily as though he was spitting out what he had calculated. I wanted to tell him not to give up, that there will be another way.
"This is for the best," he said as though he read my heart.
I felt perplexed. My husband will supposedly live on if he gives up on his life. G.o.d allowed that, so it will probably come true. Then was everything okay now? Should I be happy since ultimately, he would survive?
He hugged me gently.
"Once this is over, you will lose all memories. You remember the promise that your memories will be erased, right? You"ll forget about the lonely and cruel time you spent here, and you can live on in that world. You can meet Maru, fall in love, sometimes quarrel, and get married and meet the lovely Gaeul with her round eyes again."
"What about you then?"
"Well, I"ll just be forgotten. Someone who is never remembered becomes someone who never existed in the first place. I guess I should be thankful that people forget."
"I can"t do that."
"Just having you say that to me is plenty of a reward for me. We must end this d.a.m.ned game here. If we cannot end it while we still can, the only thing that will remain is regret."
I struggled and tried to escape his embrace. This wasn"t the kind of ending I wanted. However, he did not let go. I could feel his resolution through his body. It was his firm will to seek death. G.o.d spoke,
-There"s a famous saying that goes: you must listen to people until the end. This goes for us as well.
He, who was waiting for his death, asked what that meant.
-I will let Han Maru who will die in this life survive. But do you remember the rules I set for this game? There are only three ways to end this game: Han Maru"s suicide, Han Haneul"s suicide, or lastly, the two of them living their own lives without getting bound together. If I want to let Han Maru live on as you wish, we must continue this game. Those are the rules after all.
He, who was embracing me strongly, suddenly lost all power. I turned around to look at the place G.o.d"s voice was coming from. It was the empty blue sky, but G.o.d was definitely there.
"Are you really a G.o.d? Why are you so filled with malice?"
-I"d like to ask back a question instead. Why must G.o.d be good? Why do you people try to judge me using the standard of good you have come up with? The good you created, the morals, laws… Haven"t I told you that those were all created for your own convenience? What you should have done is ask me first: what is G.o.d"s definition of good? Then, I would have responded as such: that the foundation of good is keeping promises. I cannot end the game after having bent the rules. If Han Maru is returned to life, the last game will continue. I guess you can say it like this. Using up your own life allowed him to gain another opportunity.
I was reminded of an innocent child pulling out the leg of an insect with a smile on their face. Was G.o.d like that child? Someone who pursues enjoyment of the situation without any malice? It might be h.e.l.l for the insect, but it must be a fresh experience for the child ripping off their leg.
-I respect your decisions. Either you end the game here and live your respective lies, or you get another opportunity with your life as the price.
"Opportunity? What opportunity? You want us to play this repet.i.tive game again?"
-Don"t you all say, never say never? You might finally be able to arrive at a conclusion where you two are not bound. It might be related to probability after all. If you think about the failures you have made until now, things might go well this time.
"You are a terrible G.o.d," I shouted to G.o.d.
G.o.d replied instantly. His voice was without any ups and downs, but it sounded like mockery to me.
-Do you know what everyone thinks when they partic.i.p.ate in a gamble? They know that people have lost their money, their livelihood, and even their lives, but they all think that they are different from the others. I will not fail, I will be able to stop even if I lose a little bit. When I first gave you the opportunity, you thought the same. You thought that you"ll be different, that your husband will be different. It is very unjust of you to blame me just because you did not get your desired result.
"Are you trying to say that it"s my fault? That my decision was wrong from the beginning?"
-You cannot call it wrong. You just pursued the victory that only an extreme minority can achieve. I cherish the humans who put in effort. However, just because I cherish them doesn"t mean I can give them special treatment, does it?
"Let me ask you one thing. How many people have achieved a happy ending?"
-Please, define your happy ending.
"A life where both of them live on ordinarily."
-If you"re talking about living on while forgetting about one another, then it"s not small. One in a hundred?
"How about the probability of finis.h.i.+ng your life with your loved one?"
-There have been a few if I have to count.
The words "a few" made my vision blank. How many humans have lived and died under G.o.d? Probably more than the grains of sand on a beach. And yet, there have been a "few". Didn"t that mean infinitely close to zero?
-Has it finally hit you that you may not be the protagonist? But what can you do about it? The game has begun, and a game that has begun must meet an end.
"Do you enjoy yourself more as the agony I feel increases?"
-Please, don"t make me out to be so evil. I love you all. Just as you put all your efforts into those around you, I also feel affection for you all. If I hated you and wanted to be away from you, you would not have been created in the first place. The fact that you were made means that there was love involved. Of course, I"m not saying that I created you. I was involved to an extent though.
I stopped talking with G.o.d and looked at the man standing next to me. He was glaring at the world below ever since he heard G.o.d"s words that the game would not be over even if Han Maru lived on. He didn"t look like he gave up or was despairing. He was probably thinking about the way to escape this game even now.
I looked at my husband and Han Haneul standing in front of the traffic lights. Not too far away was the car that Kang Giwoo was on. Once the world began moving, the car would crash straight into my husband. There would be a sharp scream, followed by blood filling the crevices of the rough surface of the asphalt.
It was an inevitable future. Even if my husband was brought back to life, unless this game was over, it would happen again. I looked at the one next to me, who was still contemplating. He offered a suggestion, and G.o.d accepted. I also grabbed his hand and that was how this game began. G.o.d was a merchant and a gambler who loved compromises.
I thought of a solution. I did not know if this was the right answer. It might be a foolish deed. But, it should be better than doing nothing.
Just then, I heard G.o.d"s laughter.
-Go on. I am ready to listen.
It seemed that G.o.d had already foreseen this. I smiled at the man who was looking at me with unease. He grabbed my hand. He must have instinctively felt what I was about to do. It wasn"t surprising. We were a married couple who had been together for a time too long to measure. I grabbed his right hand with both of my hands. Then I raised my head up to G.o.d.
"You said you can bring Han Maru to life with this person"s life, didn"t you?"
-I did.
"Then what about me? What is my life worth?"
-Just as much.
G.o.d laughed, his laughter not dying down. The laughter mixed in his words sounded freaky.
-Tell me. What is it that you want?
"I want to end this game."
-I know. Everyone was like that. What"s important is this: what will you subst.i.tute with your own life?
"Is it insufficient to end this game?"
-The value of one life is one life. The game is a separate matter. The man next to you saved the life of Han Maru down there with his own life. It"s an exchange of equal values. I"m more than ready to accept this kind of negotiation. However, wanting to end this game in exchange for your life does not fit in accordance with the rules.
"I see."
I knew that already. I only mentioned it just in case.
-Now tell me what you were going to tell me. I am waiting.
G.o.d truly knew everything. Just as I was about to say what was on my mind, he grabbed my hand strongly. I was dragged by his strength to look at him.
"What are you trying to say?"
He looked at me nervously. He was worrying about me even when he had put his own life on the line. I couldn"t hate him. I wanted to be with him forever. I stroked his cheek.
"Let us get some rest. Both you and I have lived for too long. Looking back at things now, I can"t even be called a human anymore. Did you know? When I was watching your, no, my husband"s life down there, I sometimes thought that one life was no good and that he"d be better off starting over after dying. The scary thing is that that came to my mind without any feeling of rejection at all. I have become numb to both death and life."
"You can"t help it."
"Yes, I can"t help it. So I want to just rest now."
"Your memories will be erased once this game ends. You can regain your freedom."
"Even if I do, it will be a world without you. I don"t have any interest in a world without Han Maru. Above all, even if my memories get erased, it doesn"t mean that what happened will disappear as well. You said that it will disappear along with memories, but I think differently."
"Honey, don"t do this."
I grabbed his head, as he shook his head, and slowly pulled him towards me. It was a light kiss. It felt like the sensation of my first kiss, which I could barely even remember, was coming back to me.
"You"re so ignorant of me. Why do you keep wanting to go somewhere by yourself? You have to go with me. Even if you say you"re fed up with me, you have no choice. That"s how I"ll have it."
I hinted to him with my eyes just as he was about to speak again: leave it to me. He closed his mouth. I thanked him and faced G.o.d again.
"You said the value of one life is one life, right?"
-Yes, I did.
"If it"s possible to bring one to life in exchange for a life, is the opposite possible?"
-It is. However, I"ll have to check it through, if I think it is unjust.
"It shouldn"t be an unjust offer. No one"s getting hurt."
My eyes went dark. G.o.d was appearing. The darkness that dragged down my husband as he searched for me in his dreams pervaded the surroundings. The man next to me had disappeared as well. I realized that this was a s.p.a.ce that belonged to neither life nor death.
A black rabbit appeared in front of my eyes, wearing a tuxedo and a hat, and holding a pocket watch. He hopped towards me. I instantly realized that it was G.o.d.
"Are you mocking me?"
-Of course not. I only changed form since I will be leading you into a land of wonders as well, and I thought that this wasn"t bad, just like why you appeared in front of your husband in this form.
The pitch-black rabbit twitched its nose and continued speaking. I calmed my agitation. I was fed up with being toyed with G.o.d"s pranks.
-Then please continue, about the value of your one life.
I nodded.
"There is something I wish to take away in exchange for my life."
-And what may that be?
"You must know it already.”
-The predetermined future is not the determined future. It is only determined when you say it through your mouth. So tell me. Tell me your proposal.
“In exchange for my life….”
I thought about my husband’s face. He would come back from the company all exhausted and would sit on the sofa, but when our daughter stumbled her way to him, he would smile. I recalled his face, shyly giving me the house doc.u.ment, saying that it’ll be the house we’ll live in in the future. I recalled his face all red as he offered me the wedding ring, asking me to marry him. I recalled his face, shyly asking me to go out with him a long time before that.
“I want you to erase Han Haneul from my husband’s memories. I want to take my own name away in exchange for my life. That is my proposal.”
-Let me summarize. You wish to take away — in other words, erase — the name Han Haneul inside Han Maru’s memories in exchange for your life. And in exchange for the man’s life, the life of the living Han Maru will be brought back.
Yes, I replied.
“Then the game will begin again, right?”
-Yes, it will.
“And I will disappear from that person’s memories.”
-Yes.
“Then nothing will happen between the two of them.”
-That’s how it will go.
“What happens to the game?”
-It’s the happy ending you wished for.
I looked into the rabbit’s pitch-black eyes.
“You are a terrible G.o.d.”
-I hear that a lot.
The darkness was lifted. The silent world with halted time was under my feet again. I looked at my right hand. I was holding hands with him. Even as G.o.d severed me from the world, I was connected to him.
“It’s all over now,” I said with a smile.
He was crying. He was crying out loud like a child. I hugged his neck. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t know how to cry. He seemed to be crying my share as well.
“You should have lived on,” he said.
“I’m too afraid to do so by myself. So stay by my side.”
I wiped his tears with my hand. It was hot enough to burn. I looked behind me. G.o.d, in the figure of a rabbit, was watching us.
“What happens to us now?”
-If there’s a beginning, there’s an end.
“I at least hope we go to a world where we don’t have to be sad anymore. No, I guess we won’t be able to feel anything, will we?”
-That is what it means to disappear.
I breathed out slowly. As long as his warmth was with me, I wasn’t afraid of disappearing.
-You should say goodbye for one last time.
I raised my head up to look at him.
“If there’s a next time, let us be strangers.”
He replied,
“If such a day comes, I will look for you again. You will tell me that I’m foolish. But I can’t help it. People just want to have good things by their side.”
I smiled and hugged him strongly.
I will also partic.i.p.ate in that foolish deed.
-I’m not such a cruel G.o.d. I will keep my promise that this is the last time. The game is over. Han Maru’s reincarnations are over as well. There will be no memories of reincarnation, including anything about Han Haneul. Everything will become a dream. He’ll just become an ordinary youth.
G.o.d’s voice faded away. Darkness pervaded. I opened my eyes at the last moment. However, I couldn’t see anything. That was fine. I could still feel with my whole body that I was embracing him.
“I want to eat the doenjang-jjigae you cooked for me,” he said.
“Go grocery shopping once you wake up. I’ll cook for you,” I said.
Then everything disappeared.