Chapter 611
A result derived from deduction was always just a probability. It was possible that it was right, and it was possible that it was wrong. If there was clear evidence of a result, regardless of whether it was right or wrong, he could come up with a more concrete plan, but since that was impossible, he could only act according to a broad spectrum. Currently, the thing he had to be wary of was the disappearance of his memories. It would be possible to come up with countermeasures if he knew what part of his memories was being erased, and from what point onwards.
‘But the problem is that I can’t know that.’
Maru looked at his shaky right hand. He looked at the busily moving Sora and Ando before putting strength into his right hand, which was gripping a pen. What he was doing now was pretty simple. He was trying to organize the memories of his previous life into a few words. It was a very simple and even abstract process, but the G.o.d did not even allow that. If he tried to leave behind any records of his previous life while his consciousness had the slightest bit of control, his entire body refused to do it. He couldn’t write the ‘m’ from ‘memory’ because his hand was shaking like a patient"s. This was something he knew since before. He already knew that recording the disappearing memories was impossible.
If it was before his personality changed, he might have thought that he could accept the penalty of disappearing memories as a form of compensation for coming back to life, but after experiencing the influence they had on his personality, he could no longer treat them lightly. He tried to leave behind the minimum amount of recorded information that he needed for Han Maru to stay as a Han Maru, but the cruel G.o.d did not allow that. He couldn’t take any action when he possessed the will to create records. He tried changing the medium just in case, but it was the same regardless. PC, phone, electronic dictionary… even the school field, which was made of sand, and would leave behind nothing after the wind blew, did not allow him to leave behind records.
What a petty G.o.d - Maru muttered with a voice filled with the uttermost ire that a human could muster.
“Though, if they disappear cleanly, this will be meaningless too.”
Maru looked at the corner of his script, which was riddled with illegible fragments of text. Even if he could leave behind records, if he read them after his memories disappeared, they wouldn’t leave any impressions on him. Even if he left behind the most important moments of his previous life in the form of words, once his memories disappeared, he would think ‘what novel is this?’ when he read them.
What good was information about memories without himself to confirm it? Maru clicked his tongue and put down his pen. The G.o.d was definitely smart. Even if he used some unimaginable method to successfully leave behind memories of his previous life, it would become the records of a stranger the moment his memories disappeared. Even if he read the records after he changed, it would be impossible to gain the same emotions as before.
Was there really no way to avoid the G.o.d’s radar? He thought about it for a while before he gave up on it. He wouldn’t be able to do anything to a transcendental ent.i.ty who could bring the dead back to life, even if it didn’t mean omniscience and omnipotence.
Maru took out his wallet. He opened the half-folded wallet and took out a card from it. It was a tarot card with a crease across the middle. He stared at the masked clown who was standing on the edge of the stage with a necktie on. For some reason, he started carrying this card around like a good luck charm. Even though it was supposed to be destined to go into the trash along with some other receipts, he kept it because it strangely bothered him.
When he first showed it to Daemyung, Daemyung gave him this interpretation: challenge and adventure. He experienced the existence of the G.o.d personally, so there was no reason for him to not believe in fortune telling. It wasn’t that he had blind faith, he actually did think that it was somewhat reasonable. He thought that it was perhaps the G.o.d’s tip for him to strive towards challenges and adventures.
However, the meaning behind the tarot card that Gaeul told him after that was something completely different.
“The foolishness of knowing nothing. Ignorance.”
Was that talking about the current him? Maru looked at the man on the card. It felt as though the man on the card was looking at him. It was strange. The man in the picture, who was supposed to feel like a stranger, felt very familiar to him. Of course, it might be possible that he felt familiar because he saw the man in a dream a few years ago. However, the emotions he currently had didn’t indicate that. It felt as though he had met the man on the street just a few days ago.
Perhaps he met this man in a dream. Maru flipped the tarot card several times.
“s...o...b..e, we’re ready. Oh, what’s that?”
“This? A tarot card.”
“You believe in stuff like that?”
“I guess I’m on the believing side if you have to put me on one side. I’m not a blind follower though.”
“You’ve been acting really unexpectedly today. I thought you’d never believe in something like that, s...o...b..e.”
“Why?”
“Just a feeling. No, your actions expressed that, too. If someone said that a G.o.d exists, you’re the type of person who would tell that person to bring G.o.d in front of you.”
Sora made a slightly fed up expression. Maru smiled and put the card inside his wallet.
“Well, that’s a pity. I believe in G.o.d too.”
“Really? Do you go to church? Or a temple? You’re definitely not catholic though.”
“I believe in something similar to reincarnation, so I guess it’s related to a temple?”
“Reincarnation!?”
Sora narrowed her eyes before going over to Ando and whispering into his ears. Even Ando, who had pretty big eyes, narrowed his eyes and stared at him. Was it something that whisper-worthy? Maru took out his phone and his wallet and placed them on a desk before picking up his script and walking over to the two.
“You’re going to start shooting, right?”
“Yes, I am. But are you really a Buddhist? I think I saw you eat meat.”
“There are many different branches to Buddhism. Also, I’m not a Buddhist.”
“But you told me that you were.”
“I said I believed in reincarnation, not Buddhism. The cycle of reincarnation is something I have great faith in. Call me a fanatic if you want.”
“s...o...b..e, you know that you’ve been really strange today, right? Can’t you just act like before? I feel like I’ve done something wrong because you’re smiling all the time. Why don’t you just act like the first time we met when I showed you the scenario and look at me like this?” Sora asked as she stretched the corner of her eyes upwards.
Maru laughed loudly. Sora made a flabbergasted expression before sighing.
“Let’s begin shooting.”
Sora walked over to the laptop. Maru placed the script on a desk before sitting down. A junior from the acting club approached him and sat in front of him.
“Hochul, think of it as playing.”
“Ah, yes.”
“Are you nervous today as well?”
“A-a little.”
“Nervousness is not something you can consciously suppress, so if you’re nervous, just take that nervousness with you. Thinking that you should calm down will make you even hastier instead. Once you keep doing this, you’ll become a lot more immune to it. It’s fine even if you make some NGs. It’ll be weird if we don’t get any.”
“Yes, okay.”
The junior, who played the character of the transfer student, controlled his expression and looked forward. This was the first time this junior was placed in the center of the frame after being in the corner all the time. He had to express the despair the character felt when the transfer student’s only friend, the main character, ignored him and turned his back on him.
Sora gave a pretty difficult request. She wanted compressed emotional acting. The most efficient way to express ‘anger’ was to act like he was ‘angry’. The stereotypical ‘being angry’; shouting and breaking every item in reach while crying and saying out loud the name of the target would make anyone feel that the character is angry. Sora didn’t want an act like that, she wanted an act where anger was expressed through the lack of expression. That is, through the eyes. Of course, expressing anger through the eyes didn’t consist of eye movements. Hochul had to describe the inner state of the character with the minute movements of his facial muscles.
It was pretty difficult. Maru tapped the junior’s shoulder before looking at Sora. Sora, who was giving instructions to the other juniors who were playing the characters in the rest of the cla.s.s, pulled her chin inwards before speaking,
“Actors, please get into your standby position. The camera will be moving according to the same line as the practice. This is the final decoration of the film, so please bear that in mind. Be cheerful and happy more than ever, okay?”
The actors slowly nodded.
“Also, Hochul, I’ll say this beforehand, I’ve completely made up my mind today. I’m willing to retake it as many times as we need, so don’t get timid on me.”
“Don’t worry about that,” the junior replied resolutely.
Maru slightly closed his eyes and pictured the scene in his mind.
A child who has regained ‘normality’ after escaping being bullied. The character would be touched beyond words. The streets that looked monotone until just days ago were now colorful, and the rice that he ate like he would grains of sand became so tasty and did not lose out to the best delicacies in the world. The only thing that changed was his position, but his lifestyle, and going further, his view on life itself had changed.
The taste of friends.h.i.+p that he had tasted for the first time in his life was so sweet that he didn’t want to give it up. Back when he didn’t know about it, he gave up easily thinking that it was something too distant from him, but ever since he entered the realm of ‘normality’, he felt afraid of falling out of that normality more than anything. The cla.s.sroom, which was a place of disdain, contempt, and complete disregard was now filled with joy. It was a power - in a sense - that he could never lose hold of. There was a trial that he had to take in order to maintain that lifestyle.
It was to create a bait. In order to consolidate the bonds in a group, an enemy was necessary. An inferior enemy that was weak enough for them to toy with. He was going to turn the transfer student, who was his only friend until just days ago, into the bullied kid. It wasn’t that he didn’t have a guilty conscience. He felt incredibly sorry to the point that he felt afraid of it. However, his own misfortune was more unbearable than his friend’s despair.
Maru took a deep breath in. He had finished consolidating the character a long time ago. The only thing left was to throw that character to the ‘other me’.
He dug deep into his mind. The noise around him became distant until he met another Han Maru that existed inside him. ‘He’ was someone who he couldn’t feel the presence of normally, but whenever he began acting, ‘he’ always cried out, saying that he wanted to stand in the front.
‘A stage?’
Maru could see a stage in his heart. Before, the ego was in an immaterial form that just floated around in the darkness, but right now, he saw another instance of himself standing on top of a proper stage.
It was a peculiar experience. It felt too clear to the extent that he felt it was real. Could that ego be talked to? When he came to himself, Maru realized that he was on the stage. There was another ‘me’ less than 3 meters away. The face couldn’t be seen because of the thick shadow, but he had a strong feeling that it was ‘me’.
Uhm - he tried talking to that figure. However, there was no response. Like that, a few seconds pa.s.sed before the ‘me’ on the opposite side reached out towards him. Maru looked at that hand before giving that ‘me’ the script. Many questions appeared in his mind, including since when he was holding the sc,ript if such a process wasn’t necessary since it was his imagination, and how he knew what the ‘me’ in front of him wanted despite the fact that they couldn’t communicate; but even all that melted into nothing the next moment. The ‘me’ that accepted the script made a satisfied smile. Maru smiled back in response as well.
He didn’t know why, but he felt like the distance between the two had shrunk. Before, that ego felt like a beast that he couldn’t tame. ‘He’ was under the control of the leash known as reason, but it was impossible to have total control so he always went about it like he was suppressing a wild animal. Reason would stand close watch and suppress the beast immediately whenever it thought that the beast was going too far. Until now, this kind of method posed no problems. However, he did have a feeling. During his acting with Ahn Joohyun, Maru unleashed the acting ego. The result of that was compliments from the staff.
He definitely had the thought that he might be able to show better acting if he had more complete control, but looking at that smile just now, he realized that his entire a.s.sumption was wrong.
There was no need for control. He always called that ‘another me’, yet ruled that ‘me’ out as a different person. After all, it was a difficult thing to feel close to an ego that only showed its face during acting.
Also, since he only had one body, he couldn’t help but be cautious of potential conflicts between egos. Weren’t there numerous stories about big trouble occurring because of the disregard of the dangers of another ego within oneself? He couldn’t help but consider the possibility of split personalities.
However, the moment he saw the other ‘me’ smiling brightly with the script, he realized that that ‘me’ wasn’t a target to be wary of.
Evidence?
There was nothing like that. Funnily, it was just his instinct and intuition. Normally, he would never trust such a thing, but for some strange reason, they felt strangely trustworthy right now.
It was as though that ego was a long-time friend of his.
‘Well, that too is me after all.’
Lights shone down on the other ‘me’ that stood in the center of the stage with the script. Maru opened the script, which just appeared in his hand, as well.
It was just like a director looking at the best possible actor.
“s...o...b..e! We’re starting.”
“Okay.”
Maru opened his eyes.
‘He’ that coexisted with him, also opened his eyes.