"Hey, I was going to do that!" I tried to take over but she was already done.
"Chloe, I can handle it. I love the way you want to protect me, but I"m a big girl. I can handle stuff like this, really. You were never this protective when we were just friends. What"s going on?"
I knew it! This was too good to last. I was already upsetting her, and I didn"t know how to stop myself. No matter what I thought was the right thing, it wasn"t. I pulled away and made a show of dumping the ice in the sink.
"Chloe, what is it? Did I say something wrong?" I could hear the concern in her voice, but I couldn"t make myself talk. I was driving myself insane with thoughts of how I messed up with Karen and how badly it would hurt when I lost Caity. That was the problem, it wasn"t if I lost her, it was when I lost her.
"Chloe, I mean it, sit down, and talk to me. I need you to tell me why you"re shutting down."
She tugged my hand and pulled me into the living room. We sat on my sofa, and she waited patiently for me to say something. The problem was, I didn"t know what to say. How do you tell someone that you are totally messed up inside?
"I"m fine, Caity. I"m just tired from the day." d.a.m.n, that sounded like bulls.h.i.t, even to me. I soldiered on though, "I"ll be fine once I get a good night"s sleep. Why don"t we go to bed?"
She shook her head, and I knew she didn"t believe me. I guess that is the benefit and downfall of falling in love with one of your best friends. They know you well enough to call you on your bulls.h.i.t.
"I"m not tired yet, and I want to talk. Is that okay?" Caity"s voice was soft and soothing, the calm demeanor she used as a dispatcher. I had always trusted that voice, even when it was just a voice on the radio.
"Uh, sure, what did you want to talk about? Did you see Tony today? He seemed almost back to himself." I tried to deflect the conversation away from me, but it wasn"t going to work.
"Sweetie, Tony is a nice kid, but he isn"t the one I"m currently worried about. I could use your advice actually."
"Sure, Caity, whatever I can do to help. What"s going on?" I thought that perhaps I was free and clear for now. There was something else bugging her and I could try to help her deal with it.
"Right now, the woman I"ve been best friends with for years, the woman that has recently become my lover, is hurting, and I don"t know how to fix it. How do you suggest I treat her injuries?"
I stood up, not liking the surprise attack, as I thought of it. "I don"t know what you"re talking about, I"m fine. I told you, I"m just tired. I"m sorry if I"m grumpy. I was stressed about today. It all went fine and now I"m tired. C"mon, baby, let"s go to bed." I tugged on her hand, pulling her to her feet.
Caity let me lead her to the bedroom and was quiet while we got ready for bed. I peeled back the comforter and climbed in first, waiting for her before pulling the comforter up and coc.o.o.ning us.
"G"nite honey, I love you. Let"s just get some sleep, okay?"
I could feel her concern, but she finally relaxed and said, "I love you too. You can talk to me when you"re ready. I"ll be here."
It took me a while, but I finally fell asleep to the sound of sirens in my head.
I awoke to find myself snuggled tightly against Caity. I almost had to struggle to figure out where I ended and she began. I lay there for a few minutes, reveling in her warmth and the comfort of her presence. Then I remembered the talk from yesterday. I knew it would return, and I had to figure out how to deal with it. I started to roll out of bed when a warm arm snaked around my middle, pulling me back.
"Where do you think you"re going? I haven"t had my way with you yet!"
Caity was trying to wake up and give me a credible leer at the same time. The effect was adorable, and I felt my heart melt for her all over again.
"I was just going to the bathroom. Can I still go if I promise to come right back?" I asked her teasingly.
"I suppose so, but bring me some OJ when you come back to me, slave!" Caity said in the most imperious tone she could manage, but the effect was ruined by her rather large yawn mid-sentence.
I tossed a pillow at her as I walked away, and then said, "Your wish is my command, mistress, as always."
I chuckled as I headed to the kitchen after my time in the bathroom. I gathered some orange juice, bagels, cream cheese, and stacked it all on a couple of plates. I carried it in just as she was coming out of the bathroom.
"Hey, what"s all this? I was kidding about the OJ. I was about to come out and get some. You don"t have to wait on me."
"Yeah, I know, but I thought I was supposed to come back and snuggle. I decided to combine activities." I grinned, knowing she couldn"t turn down a chance for breakfast in bed. Sure enough, she jumped back into bed, took the orange juice from me, and smoothed out the covers so I could set things down.
We enjoyed our time together and eventually, after we ate, talk turned back to the previous night. I knew I wouldn"t luck out forever, and now there was no excuse of exhaustion or hunger to fall back on.
"So, are you going to tell me what was bothering you last night? Or should I guess?" Caity looked over at me with so much determination that I didn"t know what to say or do. All I could think of was finding a way to distract her and not let her see that I wasn"t the right choice for her.
"I told you last night, I was just over tired and worried that you would overdo it with the cooler."
"And I already told you, I don"t believe that story for a minute. I remember how you were when Karen left town. If you think I"m going to hurt you, why did you announce us to everyone yesterday? Or is that what freaked you out?"
"I don"t know. I just felt weird last night. I still think I was just too tired. I didn"t feel like I was making any sense. Can we just leave it at that, please?"
Caity looked over at me again, and her gaze softened, but I saw pain there as well. Somehow, without meaning to, I was hurting another woman I loved. I didn"t know how to stop myself from doing it either.
"Chloe, sweetie, I understand how hurt you were. I was there, remember? I"m not her. You aren"t the same person you were then either. I"m not asking for something that you can"t give me. I just want your trust, and I want you to share your thoughts and feelings with me. I knew before I told you how I felt, that there was a chance you wouldn"t be able to return my feelings. I know how shut down you"ve been. I"m just asking that you try to tell me. It"s okay to be afraid, to want something, to disagree with me."
I looked away, unable to meet those expressive hazel eyes. I knew what she wanted, but I didn"t know if I could deliver it. I would have to break through thick barriers that I had erected to protect myself. What would happen if I took them down, if I let her inside me fully? Wouldn"t the real me just scare her away, just as it did with Karen?
"I think I know what you mean, but Caity, really, I do trust you. I know you aren"t Karen. I"m not the same just off probation medic I was when she and I got together either. I don"t want to see you get hurt. I couldn"t take it if I hurt you too!"
I started to choke up so I stood, walked over to the window, and stared outside. I couldn"t look at her, not now, not until I was under control again.
"What is it you"re afraid of? Why are you trying to remain the big, bad, super cool medic with all the answers? Talk to me." Her voice was gentle and I could hear her concern.
Caity slipped out of bed and came to me. She wrapped her arms around me from behind and tried to pull me back against her, but I resisted. At least at first. It felt too d.a.m.n good to lean into her though, and I found myself wanting to share my fears with her. I didn"t know how to start. She already knew some of what happened with Karen but not quite everything.
"I don"t want you to think poorly of me, but the truth is, Karen was right to leave me, Caity. I wasn"t the right person for her, and I didn"t even have the guts to tell her how I really felt about things. At least, not until it was too late to change anything."
She waited quietly, letting me gather my thoughts. I tried to figure out how to tell her what a loser I was when it came to personal relationships without losing her. I finally decided I had to tell her what I was thinking. She wasn"t going to give it a rest until I did. I steeled myself for the rejection that would inevitably follow, just as it had most of my life when I opened up too far.
"What you didn"t know about me and Karen was that she really wanted to have kids back then. We never talked about it before, but she sprang it on me over a surprise romantic evening. Suddenly, everything was all about having a kid. There were sperm donors to consider, clinics, methods of conception, everything. She even asked my brother if he would donate his sperm so that this kid could have genetic material from both of us. She did that without even talking to me first! I was furious!"
I stopped for a moment to gather myself. This wasn"t Karen in front of me, but I could feel the anger surge, even now. While I was quiet, she took the opportunity to speak.
"I can"t believe she did that behind your back. No wonder you have trust issues sometimes."
I shook my head. "That isn"t all of it, and it wasn"t all her fault either. When she first brought up kids, I was too afraid to let her down. I didn"t tell her that I didn"t really want any kids just then. I hadn"t thought about being a single parent and then when we got together, I was enjoying just being us, so I didn"t think about kids then either. When we finally settled on a donor clinic and picked a donor number, I still wasn"t positive I wanted to give up my way of life for kids. I agreed to it all, but I never told her that I still wasn"t sure about having a kid. I didn"t really want to do it then. We tried for close to a year to get her pregnant, but it didn"t work.
When we decided to take a break, I was so relieved. It felt like I had gotten a last minute stay of execution. Instead of telling her that, or trying to comfort her and understand her sadness, I partied. I was out drinking and partying with the station guys, while she was home, convinced she was a failure as a woman. I never noticed. Heck, I never even bothered to try. It was my fault that she left."
Caity stood there silently, holding me against her from behind still. I didn"t feel any change in her, but I was too afraid to turnaround and look at her face. I had begun to cry as I told the story, feeling the pain I caused Karen and the pain of losing her all over again.
"Honey, you made mistakes, she made mistakes, neither of you are fully to blame. You weren"t honest about your feelings, but it sounds like she wasn"t either. Is there more?"
How did she know? I had never admitted the last part of all of this to anyone. h.e.l.l, I had hardly admitted it to myself. Yet, Caity seemed to know there was more to the story, more to why I didn"t trust easily anymore.
Sighing, I pushed myself to tell her the rest. "I haven"t told anyone about this before. I really want this to work with us, but..."
Caity pulled away then, but she pulled me by the hand to sit on the bed with her. Lifting my chin with her hand, she made me look her in the eyes.
"What do you see when you look at me, Chloe?"
"I see you, I see Caitlyn." I was puzzled but tried to play along.
"I see so much when I look at you, Chloe. I see your love, your fear, and your pain. I see that big heart that you tucked away behind walls you thought were unbreakable. I see your strength and intelligence. So, in essence, when I look at you, I see you, I see Chloe."
More tears started coming down my cheeks again as she spoke so sweetly to me. She made me want to be a better woman for her, but if I told her the rest, would she still want me?
"Caity, there is more to the story, you were right. I just never wanted anyone to know. I was so ashamed, I just wasn"t good enough for her." I took in a shuddering breath, trying to make myself say the words. "When I came home the night we broke up, I found her there waiting for me. Well, sort of waiting for me. I think she knew when I would be home and planned it. She was in our bed with a man. She said that since I couldn"t give her the child she wanted, she found someone who could. He was willing to take care of her through the pregnancy and then sign away rights to the baby. She didn"t care what she had to do. All that had ever mattered to her was having a baby. She told me before she moved out that she didn"t love me, I was just someone she thought was kind and would be a good parent."
As I related the worst of it, I lost control and burst into loud, body shaking crying. Caity held me, rocking me gently back and forth. She whispered stuff to me as I cried myself out finally, and held me as I slept. I don"t know how long I was out, but when I woke up, Caity was still there holding me safely.
"I"m so sorry, I didn"t mean to unload on you. I certainly didn"t mean to fall asleep on you after I did."
Caity hugged me tighter and said, "Sweetie, you have nothing to apologize for at all. You were treated so badly by her! No wonder you never really dated after that fiasco. All I can tell you is that I will never, ever withhold important information from you. Nor will I ever sleep with someone else while we are together. It is you I love, and only you that I want."
I burrowed into her side and clung to her, praying that it was true. I wanted so badly to believe her and trust in the words she spoke. "Caity, it"s going to take me some time, is that all right? I don"t mean to push you away, I really don"t. I"m not used to talking about a lot of stuff and believing what other people say is harder for me than talking."
"I"m here. I"m not going anywhere. Take the time you need and try to have faith that it will all work out in time."
I felt better having told her about it, but I still worried about the future and what it might bring. At least I didn"t have to worry about telling her and losing her anymore. She didn"t seem upset by what I had done as much as she was upset for me. That was a completely new experience. It was something I was willing to get used to experiencing.
CHAPTER 7.
IT WAS A bright, clear day, exactly the kind of sunny day that leaves no one with the will to go to work. Unfortunately for me, that is exactly where I was headed. It was a couple of weeks after the station get together and already the guys were talking about having another party since the weather had been so great. Our call volume had dropped a bit, so I was spending some of my down time working on new training programs for the probies. I also worked with Spike on my own training as a supervisor. There was a heck of a lot of paperwork involved and I needed her help to wade through it all.
I had no sooner dumped my gear bag in my locker than the station klaxon sounded. I dropped down the pole to the bay and told Tony that he could go home and I"d take the call. Pauli would be my partner, since I was early and Gina wasn"t in yet. He gave me a look of thanks and stepped out of my way as I jumped in the rig.
Pauli guided us rapidly to the scene, a construction site about a mile away from the station. As we arrived on scene, we looked for our "injured person" as the call was dispatched. What we found was a group of kids with skateboards and rollerblades, grouped around two kids lying on the ground.
Pauli and I split up to a.s.sess each kid. I took the taller one on the left, while she took the smaller kid on the right. Neither kid wore a helmet and there was blood on the ground. I started with the basics, airway, breathing, and circulation. Thankfully, all three were present, though I wasn"t thrilled with the pulse rate and quality. It felt a little weak and thready, not consistent, as I would hope. He was unconscious and was not responding to voice stimulus. I moved to start the exam when I heard Pauli call to me.
"Donny, I"m calling for back up. Looks like both need transport."
I nodded and resumed my examination. I started my head to toe survey, feeling for evidence of injuries as I palpated the whole body. There was an open head wound, an obvious fracture in his right arm, a possible pelvis fracture, and a probable femur fracture. Police arrived on scene as I finished my exam and started to move the kids away and question them. I grabbed one cop to help me.
"Hey, Joey, can you give me a hand here? I got a kid with multiple fractures and I gotta get a collar on him."
"Yeah, lemme get some gloves on."
He pulled a pair of gloves from a pouch on his duty belt, and then knelt down so that the top of the kid"s head was perpendicular to his knees. He put his hands on either side of the kid"s head and applied the most mild of pulls to attain stabilization, allowing me to measure and fit the kid with a collar to keep his neck safer.
"Thanks, Joey, can you stay with me till I get him stabilized and boarded? I"m kind of worried about his neck and airway."
He nodded and watched while I worked. I splinted the right arm before grabbing the long backboard from the rig.
"Okay, on the count of three, we"ll roll him away from his injured right side, ready? Up on his left, on three. One, two, three."
We rolled him on his left side, Joey holding his head and neck steady, while I did a quick exam of his back and placed the board so that we could roll him onto it.
"You okay, Joey? Ready to position him?"
"Affirmative, let"s do it."
"Slide down towards me and over, on three. One, two, three. Now up and over on three. One, two, three. Great, let me get him strapped on and then we can load him up. I need to start a line on him too."
Joey helped me lift him onto the litter and secure him to that, and then we loaded him in the rig. I put the monitor on him, started him on some oxygen, took vitals, and then looked for a good place to start a line. Just after I got the IV started and was doing a second exam, Pauli opened the back door of the rig.
"Hey, the second crew is here and has the other patient. Do you need anything from me or should we roll?"
"Roll and roll quick. I don"t like his pulse and he"s not responding to pain. His BP is elevated and his pupils are sluggish."
"Got it. Lights and sirens in."
She hopped out and climbed in the front. I vaguely heard her call county to let them know our status and destination. I kept looking over at the monitor, hoping to find a clue to this kid"s condition. From the looks of the scene, the kids had climbed the fence to practice skateboard tricks at the construction sight. The two kids had probably collided on their boards, and this one had done some serious damage to himself.
All of a sudden his breathing pattern changed, not a good sign. I checked his pupils and one was blown. I grabbed a BVM and attached it to the oxygen before I started bagging him. I grabbed my airway kit and tubed him, sliding past the vocal chords and into the airway, almost without thought. I hooked the bag up to the tube and bagged him. Before I could contact command, we were at the hospital. Pauli came back and I kept bagging him as we got him inside.
We turned him over to the trauma team. I watched them work for a minute while I caught my breath. Then I grabbed our monitor and litter and moved it out of the room. Pauli followed me into the hallway and started stripping and cleaning the litter with mechanical, jerky motions. I felt slightly dazed by the call, but I started wrapping up the wires for the heart monitor and helping Pauli with the litter.
We got outside and started cleaning up the back of the rig. I had discarded bags and wrappers everywhere. We got the trash picked up, sanitized the rig, and loaded the litter back in. The whole time, neither of us said a thing. I looked over at Pauli and was surprised to see how pale she looked.
"Pauli, come sit down with me for a sec, okay?" I motioned to the back step of the rig and we took a seat. "How are you feeling? It was a pretty intense call, huh?"
Pauli didn"t even look at me, she just replied. "Yeah, dumb kids."
"Dumb kids? Because they didn"t wear helmets and pads, or "cause they broke in to a dangerous construction site?" I figured she had to talk about it, but wouldn"t on her own.
"Both I guess. People just don"t friggin" think, Donny! Who the h.e.l.l did they think they were climbing that fence to take those chances? I don"t understand it, I never understand it." She got really quiet then.
"I know, Pauli. It is a total waste. Just remember, all we can do is respond and patch them up. We get them to definitive care as quickly as possible and hope that we"re fast enough. We try to teach the community but they don"t always listen. We can only control small stuff, Pauli. You can"t beat yourself up over it."
"Yeah, I know. It just sucks. That kid may not make it till morning and earlier he was probably dreaming of winning the X-Games."
We both stood up, got back in the rig, and then we headed for base. Pauli was due to go off shift and I had another trip report to write. I kept an eye on Pauli as she drove back. She didn"t seem to shake the call off like usual. I was concerned, but I decided that she was just tired and would do better with some sleep.