A gentleman going to see a ritualistic church in London was walking into the chancel when an official stepped forward and said, "You mustn"t go in there." "Why not?" said the gentleman. "I"m put here to stop you,"
said the man. "Oh! I see," said the gentleman, "you"re what they call the _rude_ screen, aren"t you?"
A clergyman in the diocese of Wakefield told me that when he first came to the parish he found things in a very neglected state, and among other changes he introduced an early celebration of the Holy Communion. An old clerk collected the offertory, and when he brought it up to the clergyman he said, "There"s eight on "em, but two "asn"t paid."
A verger was showing a lady over a church when she asked him if the vicar was a married man. "No, ma"am," he answered, "he"s a chalybeate."
A verger showing a large church to a stranger, pointed out another man and said, "That is the other verger." The gentleman said, "I did not know there were two of you," and the verger replied, "Oh yes, sir, he werges up one side of the church and I werges up the other."
Two little stories connected with Bishop Walsham How"s episcopal life may well conclude the anecdotes about vergers. The Bishop"s dislike of ostentation was well known. He caused much amus.e.m.e.nt on one occasion when living in London, by frustrating the designs of a pompous verger. It had been this man"s custom to meet the Bishop at the door of the church, and precede him up the centre aisle _en route_ for the vestry, thus making a little extra procession of his own. One day the Bishop, after handing this verger his bag, let him go on his way up the centre of the church, and himself slipped off up a side aisle, and gained the vestry un.o.bserved, while the verger marched up in a solemn procession of _one_!
The other story occurs in the note-book, and runs as follows:
On my first visit to Almondbury to preach, the verger came to me in the vestry, and said, "A"ve put a platform in t" pulpit for ye; you"ll excuse me, but a little man looks as if he was in a toob." (N.B. To prevent undue inferences I am five feet nine inches in height.)
Bishop Walsham How"s love of children was well known, and it is not surprising to find a large number of stories about them in his note-book. These stories are mainly of two kinds, those relating to answers made in Sunday school, &c., and those of a more general nature.
Some examples of the latter follow, but it must be borne in mind that these stories have, many of them, become well known owing to the Bishop"s fondness of telling them. If he was not able to enjoy children"s society, the next best thing was to talk about them.
A very little girl, when taken to church, always knelt down reverently to say a short prayer when she went in. Her mother, not having taught her any prayer to say at that time, asked her to tell her what she said.
The child answered that she always prayed that there might be no Litany.
A little boy had a German nursery governess, and told her he thought she ought to learn Hebrew. On her saying she didn"t see the use of that, he explained that it was that she might say her prayers properly, for he was sure G.o.d knew Hebrew, but he didn"t think He could be expected to understand German.
A child being taken to the seaside for the first time, was asked how she liked it, and in answer said it was very beautiful, but she didn"t see "all the tinnimies," an expectation due to her private version of the Fourth Commandment.
I recollect, when a child, being exceedingly interested and affected by a story which used to be read to me from a small periodical--I think it was called the _Magazine for the Young_--about two boys who went to school. Their names were Master Cruelty and Master Innocent Sweetlove, the former taking with him to school a bow and arrow, and the latter a dove in a cage and a lute. The natural result followed, Master Cruelty shooting Master Innocent Sweetlove"s dove, and the latter thereupon taking his lute into the churchyard, and, seated on a tombstone, solacing his grief with mournful music. This seemed to me very beautiful!
One of the children of the Vicar of St. Peter"s, Eaton Square, told his father he thought some of the things they collected for in church were very silly. He could not think why they should have a collection for the Bishop of London"s fun.
Archdeacon Denison told me that his brother, when a boy, among many bits of mischief did the following: His father was very fond of pictures, and had one of the death of Isaac in which the patriarch appeared lying on a couch in a splendid crimson damask tent supported by four Corinthian pillars, with a beautiful white damask table-cloth spread on the table before him. Through the tent door you saw Esau running after a stag while Jacob was bringing in the savoury meat. The offender one day carefully painted on the corner of the table-cloth "Isaac 6."
A boy being asked whether he always said his prayers, said, "Yes, always at night." He was then asked, "And why not in the morning?" To which he answered, "Because a strong boy of nine, like me, ought to be able to take care of himself in the daytime."
Two little boys, grandchildren of a former vicar of Great Yarmouth, were looking at some pictures in a copy of "Bunyan"s Holy War," and found one of the devil chained. One of them asked his mother whether the devil was chained, and, being told "no," asked whether he ever would be. To this she answered, "Yes, some day." The boy replied, "When he is, need we say our prayers?"
The Bishop had a niece who is head-mistress of the G.o.dolphin High School at Salisbury, and the following story was told him by her.
A child at the school asked if there were any saints now. The mistress replied that she hoped there were many, on which the child said, "Then, I suppose they"ve left off wearing those hats," by which she meant the _nimbus_.
The next story is told of a little great-niece of the Bishop called Molly.
Little Molly, aged four, after saying her prayers one evening to her aunt, remarked, "There"s no one to make you say your prayers as you make me." "No," her aunt said, "we don"t want any one to make us, for we like saying our prayers." "Do you?" said Molly, "Then I wish you"d ask G.o.d not to let my goloshes fall off so often."
A little girl unused to surpliced choirs, on seeing such a choir enter the church, whispered in dismay to her mother, "They"re not _all_ going to preach, are they?"
The Bishop was chairman of the Committee of the Society for providing Homes for Waifs and Strays, and in connection with this work told the following story:
Some children kept some hens, and were allowed to sell the eggs for the "Waifs and Strays." One Sunday morning they brought nine eggs in to their father and mother, and said, "We did give it out to the hens that there would be a collection to-day."
The annual children"s parties which the Bishop delighted to give were great events, and the following incident which occurred at one of them must find a place here:
At a children"s party given by me shortly after the death of Archbishop Thompson we had a Punch and Judy to amuse the children. The man who showed it came up to my son before the performance and said that he had heard that I had been at the Archbishop"s funeral, and perhaps I should prefer his leaving out the coffin scene!
Here are some odd notions about the unseen world which were developed in the brains of some of the Bishop"s little friends:
Little Rupert B----, aged just three, one day when it was raining, said to his father that he did not think heaven could be a nice place to live in. "Why not?" asked his father. "Because," he answered, "the floor is all full of holes and lets the water through." Before he was three a little baby sister was born, and he was taken into his mother"s room to see her. "Where did it come from?" he asked. His mother said, "G.o.d sent it us." "Then," said Rupert, "I suppose it is a sort of an angel." His mother explained that it was only a baby. "Hasn"t it got any wings?" he asked, and on being told "No," added, "Hasn"t it got any feathers at all?"
A little boy, hearing the hymn read which says,
"Satan trembles when he sees The feeblest saint upon his knees,"
asked, "Why does Satan let the saint sit on his knees if it makes him tremble?"
A little girl who had been taking raspberries in the garden was talked to by her mother, and told to resist the temptation. She afterwards appeared with evident signs of having been again among the raspberries, and, when her mother asked her how it was that she had not resisted the temptation, she said that when she was looking at the raspberries she did say "Get thee behind me, Satan," and he got behind her and pushed her in.
A very little girl was asked, "Who made you?" She answered very reverently, "G.o.d," and then, looking shocked, whispered, "Nurse says He made me naked."
On my visit to Illingworth to consecrate a new chancel in 1889, the churchwarden gave a luncheon party, and his little boy, aged nine, told my chaplain that he wanted to go to church to be confirmed. The chaplain told him it was not a confirmation but a consecration, whereupon the small boy said he didn"t care which it was so long as he was done.
A little cousin of mine when very small was asked who was the first man, to which he promptly answered "Adam." He was next asked who was the first woman, when he thought a little, and then hesitatingly suggested "Madam."
Bishop Knight Bruce"s little boy accounted for the number of fleas in South Africa by saying, "G.o.d made lots and lots of people, so you see He _had_ to make lots and lots of fleas."
A little girl, known to Mr. Edward Clifford, hearing much of the praise of stylishness, once prayed, "O Lord, make me stylish."
When the Bishop was rector of Whittington he was a most diligent teacher in the village school, going there from nine to ten almost every morning. He was also for some years a diocesan inspector of schools. He was, therefore, keenly alive to the numberless mistakes and misapprehensions of children, and recorded in his note-book a large number of absurd answers which he either heard himself or of which he was told by friends. A selection of these is given here.
In examining the schools of the deanery of Oswestry I once visited Selattyn school, and set four questions for the senior cla.s.s to answer in writing. They were, (1) "What do you know about Tarsus?" (2) "Why did St. Paul go to Damascus?" (3) "What is the meaning of Asia in the New Testament?" (4) "What happened at Lystra?" The following is a copy of one paper sent in:
John Jones, 12 last birthday, a teacher in Selattyn. Tarsus was a man which could not walked from his mother womb and he used to go to the temple every day and St. Paul heal him St. Paul said to tartus I say unto thee arise so Tarsus sat up and leap and walked.