The Vicar of one of the large towns in the diocese of Wakefield was having a pipe in his kitchen late at night when, about 11 P.M., there was a knock at the door, and when he opened it he found two Salvation la.s.sies who said they had called to see if he would give them something for their work. He said he was sorry he could not do so, though he wished them well, and he asked if they found much drunkenness in that town. "Yes," said one of them, "and also of its twin child of the devil, smoking."
A Yorkshireman (the story is told of Birstall) who had a scolding wife met a mate one morning who looked rather sad, and asked him what was the matter. The other said, "I"ve lost my old missus." To this the former replied, "I"ll swop my wick un for your dead un, and pay t" funeral expenses too!"
Another Birstall story:
When the present inc.u.mbent was appointed to Birstall, a man there said, "We"ve had no Harvest Festival this time, as there was no vicar, but now a new one is appointed I dare say we shall have a lot of them!"
A very wealthy manufacturer whose works were in the Wakefield diocese was asked for a donation to a charitable object, and said they might put down his name for two guineas. It was pointed out to him that his son had already given twice that amount, and he might not like his name to appear for less than his son"s. "Oh, it"s all right," he said; "you see he has got a well-to-do father, and I haven"t."
Two men went round a parish in Yorkshire, house to house, collecting a fund for the repair of the churchyard wall. Presently they came to a house where the man had just come in from work and was washing himself in the back kitchen. Hearing the men in the front room he called out, "What dost a want? Dost a want some o" ma bra.s.s? Nay, thee"ll noan get ma bra.s.s for yon job." One of the men replied, "Why, t" wall wants mending badly." "Nay, man," answered the man in the back room, "them as is in t" churchyard weant get out, and them as isn"t in doant want to get in. Tha, man, let it bide."
A clergyman in Yorkshire, visiting a dying man, observed him putting his hand out of the bed and eating something from time to time, so he said he was glad to see he could eat a little, when the man with a funny look said, "They"re my funeral biscuits. The missis went to the town and bought them, and she"s out to-day, and I"m eating them."
A poor woman at Halifax talking of her husband, said he had tried everything--he had been a churchman, then a Wesleyan, then a Baptist, and now he was a Yarmouth bloater. (She meant Plymouth brother, but had got her seaports mixed.)
A girl in Hebden Bridge came to the vicar to put up her banns of marriage. When all was done she lingered at the door and the vicar said, "Well, Mary, is there anything more?" To this she replied rather shyly, "Please, sir, will t" same spurrings do for another chap?" (_Spurrings_ is a Yorkshire word for banns, and is really _speerings_ or _inquirings_.)
At Thornhill an old woman lost her brother and went continually to talk to him at his grave. One day she was overheard saying, "Eh, William, t"
pigs turned out well. We"d a bit o" spar rib yesterday, and a wish thee could ha" tasted it. And a"ve sold t" hams, William."
A former vicar of Dewsbury at a funeral in a cemetery, where the grave was under the wall of the chapel, remarked to the widow, "It"s a nice sheltered spot." "Ah, yes," she answered, "my poor husband never could bear a draught."
MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
The remainder of the stories in the note-book are concerning such varied matters that it is impossible to cla.s.sify them, and they are given here--such of them as it is deemed right to publish--as a concluding chapter of this little volume:
A friend of mine met with a timber-merchant one day, who said he thought the Old Testament was not very historical, and contained things no one could believe. He said, for instance, that he had made rather accurate calculations of the size and weight of the Ark, and it was simply absurd to think that the Israelites could carry such a huge thing about with them in the wilderness for forty years, even without the animals.
At a funeral of a wife the undertaker put the bereaved husband in the first carriage with his mother-in-law. When the widower heard of the arrangement he remonstrated with the undertaker, and asked if he could not go in one of the other carriages. Being told that this would be remarked upon, as the nearest relatives always went in the first carriage, he yielded, saying, "Ah, well, if it must be so, it must; but you"ve quite spoilt my day for me."
A clergyman of very unclerical habits was salmon-fishing in Scotland in 1872, and made use of strong expressions which very much disgusted the ghillie who accompanied him. At last the clergyman, on losing a fish he had hooked, made use of a very improper word when the ghillie could stand it no longer, but broke out with, "I"m thinking there maun ha"
been a sair lack o" timber when they made thee a prop o" the Tabernacle."
The Rev. R. Bonner, our late Government School Inspector, hired a gig from Shrewsbury to drive to inspect a school. The driver in the course of conversation informed him that they had got a new clergyman in his parish who did all sorts of strange things. On Mr. Bonner asking him what, he said, "Why, sir, he makes them sing the Psalms all through."
Mr. B. answered, "Don"t you think the Psalms were meant to be sung?" To which he replied, "I never heard that before, sir." Mr. B. then said, "Surely David wrote them for music." "Who did you say, sir?" the man answered. "David," said Mr. B., "You know they are called the Psalms of David." Whereupon the driver said, "Oh, yes, sir, I was forgetting.
Didn"t a gentleman of the name of Hopkins help him?"
A former curate of mine, the Rev. G. E. Sheppard, left to go to All Saints, Shrewsbury, where I went to see him. On the wall of his room was a picture with these words underneath:
The Queen was asked upon one day Where the greatness of Old England lay, And very soon she was heard to say, It lays within the Bible.
A sceptical working man told a curate who was talking to him about our Lord"s life that he had a curious old book at home by a writer called Herodotus, but, though it was very old it did not even mention any of the miracles recorded in the New Testament.
A young clergyman was accused by his vicar of using too long words in preaching, "felicity" being given as an example. He was sure every one understood the word, so the vicar called up an old woman and asked her if she knew what "felicity" meant. She said, "Beant it summut in the inside of a pig?"
An organising secretary of the Additional Curates" Society told me of a wonderful experience of another secretary of the same society. He was asked to stay at a gentleman"s house in Worcestershire, and, when shown in, his host said he was sorry he could not shake hands with him, as he made it a rule to shake hands alternately with the right hand and the left, and he could not remember which he had used last. Then, as they went in to dinner, he told him it was the rule of the house always to make the sign of the cross with the foot on the floor at the dining-room door. After he had gone up to bed his host came in many times to offer him a night-shirt, a razor, &c. At last he thought he had got rid of him and went to sleep. But at midnight his host came and told him it was the rule of the house that at twelve o"clock all should change beds, and he actually had to turn out and go into another bed.
A woman wishing good-bye to a clergyman"s wife when they were going to another parish, said to her, "We shall all miss Mr. ----"s sermons very much, for, you know, intellect is not what we want in this parish."
A certain rector, who was not a lively preacher, always closed his eyes when saying the Prayers. His curate wrote the following epigram:
I never see my rector"s eyes; He hides their light divine: For, when he prays, he shuts his own, And, when he preaches, mine.
A man who had been a great drunkard was persuaded to take the pledge, and some time afterwards a lady went to see the wife, and asked her how they were getting on, to which she replied, "Oh, ma"am, we"re getting on right well. He never beats me now, and never swears at me. I say he"s more like a friend than a husband now."
A gentleman was invited to a Church function, and wrote and excused himself as he was going to the races, "but," he added, "I shall be with you in spirit."
An old verger whom I knew lost his wife, and a clergyman went in the evening after the funeral to condole with him. As he reached the door he heard very lively voices inside, and on opening it the first words he heard were from the old verger himself who was exclaiming, "What"s trumps?" The room was full of tobacco smoke, and as soon as the verger, to his horror, saw his vicar standing at the door he said very humbly, "Oh, sir, I beg pardon; it"s only a few friends as helped to put my poor wife underground."
A former Archdeacon of Gloucester had on his paper of inquiries addressed to the churchwardens this question: "Is your clergyman of sober life and conversation?" One churchwarden answered, "He is sober, but I have had no conversation with him for many years."
An enthusiastic total abstainer had a bit of blue ribbon sewn on his nightshirts, for, he said, if the house was on fire and he had to escape in his night-dress, he would like people to see that he was a member of the blue ribbon society.
A Mr. Manning was curate of my old parish of Whittington at the time the present form of marriage registers came into use, and, not understanding the heading "Condition," he filled up that column in the first entry, "Man lean, woman rather fat."
An Act of Parliament against making false entries in registers, or mutilating them, is bound up with many Registers. The penalty is transportation for ten years. Towards the end of the Act is a short clause (with the word "penalties" in the margin) saying, "Half the penalties under this Act are to go to the informer, and the other half to the poor of the parish."
At a charity sermon a certain n.o.bleman was in a seat with a rich man whom he did not know, but who knew him, the n.o.bleman being furthest from the door. At the close of the sermon the n.o.bleman took out a shilling and placed it on the book-board. The rich parvenu was very indignant, and as a rebuke took out a sovereign and placed it on the book-board.
The n.o.bleman looked for a moment and then quietly put down another shilling, the other putting down at once a second sovereign. And so they went on till the n.o.bleman had five shillings and the other five pounds before him. When the alms-bag came the rich man ostentatiously put the five sovereigns in. The n.o.bleman put one shilling into the bag, and the other four into his pocket.