"What is it?" repeated Mrs Merdle. "It is, I suppose, that you have not heard a word of my complaint."
"Your complaint, Mrs Merdle?" said Mr Merdle. "I didn"t know that you were suffering from a complaint. What complaint?"
"A complaint of you," said Mrs Merdle.
"Oh! A complaint of me," said Mr Merdle. "What is the--what have I--what may you have to complain of in me, Mrs Merdle?" In his withdrawing, abstracted, pondering way, it took him some time to shape this question.
As a kind of faint attempt to convince himself that he was the master of the house, he concluded by presenting his forefinger to the parrot, who expressed his opinion on that subject by instantly driving his bill into it.
"You were saying, Mrs Merdle," said Mr Merdle, with his wounded finger in his mouth, "that you had a complaint against me?"
"A complaint which I could scarcely show the justice of more emphatically, than by having to repeat it," said Mrs Merdle. "I might as well have stated it to the wall. I had far better have stated it to the bird. He would at least have screamed."
"You don"t want me to scream, Mrs Merdle, I suppose," said Mr Merdle, taking a chair.
"Indeed I don"t know," retorted Mrs Merdle, "but that you had better do that, than be so moody and distraught. One would at least know that you were sensible of what was going on around you."
"A man might scream, and yet not be that, Mrs Merdle," said Mr Merdle, heavily.
"And might be dogged, as you are at present, without screaming,"
returned Mrs Merdle. "That"s very true. If you wish to know the complaint I make against you, it is, in so many plain words, that you really ought not to go into Society unless you can accommodate yourself to Society."
Mr Merdle, so twisting his hands into what hair he had upon his head that he seemed to lift himself up by it as he started out of his chair, cried: "Why, in the name of all the infernal powers, Mrs Merdle, who does more for Society than I do? Do you see these premises, Mrs Merdle?
Do you see this furniture, Mrs Merdle? Do you look in the gla.s.s and see yourself, Mrs Merdle? Do you know the cost of all this, and who it"s all provided for? And yet will you tell me that I oughtn"t to go into Society? I, who shower money upon it in this way? I, who might always be said--to--to--to harness myself to a watering-cart full of money, and go about saturating Society every day of my life."
"Pray, don"t be violent, Mr Merdle," said Mrs Merdle.
"Violent?" said Mr Merdle. "You are enough to make me desperate. You don"t know half of what I do to accommodate Society. You don"t know anything of the sacrifices I make for it."
"I know," returned Mrs Merdle, "that you receive the best in the land. I know that you move in the whole Society of the country. And I believe I know (indeed, not to make any ridiculous pretence about it, I know I know) who sustains you in it, Mr Merdle."
"Mrs Merdle," retorted that gentleman, wiping his dull red and yellow face, "I know that as well as you do. If you were not an ornament to Society, and if I was not a benefactor to Society, you and I would never have come together. When I say a benefactor to it, I mean a person who provides it with all sorts of expensive things to eat and drink and look at. But, to tell me that I am not fit for it after all I have done for it--after all I have done for it," repeated Mr Merdle, with a wild emphasis that made his wife lift up her eyelids, "after all--all!--to tell me I have no right to mix with it after all, is a pretty reward."
"I say," answered Mrs Merdle composedly, "that you ought to make yourself fit for it by being more degage, and less preoccupied. There is a positive vulgarity in carrying your business affairs about with you as you do." "How do I carry them about, Mrs Merdle?" asked Mr Merdle.
"How do you carry them about?" said Mrs Merdle. "Look at yourself in the gla.s.s."
Mr Merdle involuntarily turned his eyes in the direction of the nearest mirror, and asked, with a slow determination of his turbid blood to his temples, whether a man was to be called to account for his digestion?
"You have a physician," said Mrs Merdle.
"He does me no good," said Mr Merdle.
Mrs Merdle changed her ground.
"Besides," said she, "your digestion is nonsense. I don"t speak of your digestion. I speak of your manner." "Mrs Merdle," returned her husband, "I look to you for that. You supply manner, and I supply money."
"I don"t expect you," said Mrs Merdle, reposing easily among her cushions, "to captivate people. I don"t want you to take any trouble upon yourself, or to try to be fascinating. I simply request you to care about nothing--or seem to care about nothing--as everybody else does."
"Do I ever say I care about anything?" asked Mr Merdle.
"Say? No! n.o.body would attend to you if you did. But you show it."
"Show what? What do I show?" demanded Mr Merdle hurriedly.
"I have already told you. You show that you carry your business cares an projects about, instead of leaving them in the City, or wherever else they belong to," said Mrs Merdle. "Or seeming to. Seeming would be quite enough: I ask no more. Whereas you couldn"t be more occupied with your day"s calculations and combinations than you habitually show yourself to be, if you were a carpenter."
"A carpenter!" repeated Mr Merdle, checking something like a groan.
"I shouldn"t so much mind being a carpenter, Mrs Merdle."
"And my complaint is," pursued the lady, disregarding the low remark, "that it is not the tone of Society, and that you ought to correct it, Mr Merdle. If you have any doubt of my judgment, ask even Edmund Sparkler." The door of the room had opened, and Mrs Merdle now surveyed the head of her son through her gla.s.s. "Edmund; we want you here."
Mr Sparkler, who had merely put in his head and looked round the room without entering (as if he were searching the house for that young lady with no nonsense about her), upon this followed up his head with his body, and stood before them. To whom, in a few easy words adapted to his capacity, Mrs Merdle stated the question at issue.
The young gentleman, after anxiously feeling his shirt-collar as if it were his pulse and he were hypochondriacal, observed, "That he had heard it noticed by fellers."
"Edmund Sparkler has heard it noticed," said Mrs Merdle, with languid triumph. "Why, no doubt everybody has heard it noticed!" Which in truth was no unreasonable inference; seeing that Mr Sparkler would probably be the last person, in any a.s.semblage of the human species, to receive an impression from anything that pa.s.sed in his presence.
"And Edmund Sparkler will tell you, I dare say," said Mrs Merdle, waving her favourite hand towards her husband, "how he has heard it noticed."
"I couldn"t," said Mr Sparkler, after feeling his pulse as before, "couldn"t undertake to say what led to it--"cause memory desperate loose. But being in company with the brother of a doosed fine gal--well educated too--with no bigG.o.dd nonsense about her--at the period alluded to--"
"There! Never mind the sister," remarked Mrs Merdle, a little impatiently. "What did the brother say?"
"Didn"t say a word, ma"am," answered Mr Sparkler. "As silent a feller as myself. Equally hard up for a remark."
"Somebody said something," returned Mrs Merdle. "Never mind who it was."
("a.s.sure you I don"t in the least," said Mr Sparkler.)
"But tell us what it was."
Mr Sparkler referred to his pulse again, and put himself through some severe mental discipline before he replied:
"Fellers referring to my Governor--expression not my own--occasionally compliment my Governor in a very handsome way on being immensely rich and knowing--perfect phenomenon of Buyer and Banker and that--but say the Shop sits heavily on him. Say he carried the Shop about, on his back rather--like Jew clothesmen with too much business."
"Which," said Mrs Merdle, rising, with her floating drapery about her, "is exactly my complaint. Edmund, give me your arm up-stairs."
Mr Merdle, left alone to meditate on a better conformation of himself to Society, looked out of nine windows in succession, and appeared to see nine wastes of s.p.a.ce. When he had thus entertained himself he went down-stairs, and looked intently at all the carpets on the ground-floor; and then came up-stairs again, and looked intently at all the carpets on the first-floor; as if they were gloomy depths, in unison with his oppressed soul. Through all the rooms he wandered, as he always did, like the last person on earth who had any business to approach them. Let Mrs Merdle announce, with all her might, that she was at Home ever so many nights in a season, she could not announce more widely and unmistakably than Mr Merdle did that he was never at home.
At last he met the chief butler, the sight of which splendid retainer always finished him. Extinguished by this great creature, he sneaked to his dressing-room, and there remained shut up until he rode out to dinner, with Mrs Merdle, in her own handsome chariot. At dinner, he was envied and flattered as a being of might, was Treasuried, Barred, and Bishoped, as much as he would; and an hour after midnight came home alone, and being instantly put out again in his own hall, like a rushlight, by the chief butler, went sighing to bed.
CHAPTER 34. A Shoal of Barnacles