Chapter 101
Explicit mentions of self-harm, depression and suicide. Viewers’ discretion is advised.
(Ming Yue: “Gu Liang, you have two choices.”)
Gu Liang received the complete restoration of the plot and case details on his way to the small black room.
And upon reaching the small black room, he pushed the door open and entered. A lake that was utterly different from the inn’s appeared right before his eyes— It was a lake that he had buried in the deepest parts of his memories.
The man-made lake in the park was huge. The distant green hills and evergreen trees reflected their green l.u.s.tre on the water, and it looked as appealing as jadeite.
The sunlight was perfect, and the water surface was crystalline bright as it refracted the rays.
With such a beautiful lake and mountain landscape, it was supposed to make people feel relaxed and carefree in their hearts, but Gu Liang’s entire body chilled, and that sort of coldness seeped out from the marrows of his bones.
Gu Liang turned around, wanting to push open the door and leave.
But when he twisted his body, he realised that the small black room’s door was not behind him— There was only the wide entrance to the park.
At this moment, someone was currently walking in from the entrance.
It was that middle-aged woman from his memories.
She was carrying a heavy backpack. It looked particularly heavy, because it was packed to the brim with stones.
That bag pack was quite small in size; though it was slung on her broad and thick shoulders, her frame was slightly hunched from the weight, and it appeared a little conflicting.
But the biggest contradiction was the image of the piglet on the pink-coloured bag. Its cute appearance, in contrast to the middle-aged woman’s ashen and aged face, and the palpable severity and solemnity that conveyed that her heart was akin to dead ashes, caused an extreme disparity.
Gu Liang knew, that was her daughter’s backpack.
— Her deceased daughter’s backpack.
Just as she was about to reach the lakeside, Gu Liang immediately went to hold onto her hand. “No, don’t do this.”
The middle-aged woman’s dead eyes glared at Gu Liang, br.i.m.m.i.n.g with extreme frigidity. “You were supposed to be my defence lawyer, why did you betray me?”
Gu Liang tried to explain, “You’re mistaken. Calm down first, don’t jump, listen to me speak, I’ve already helped you get the compensation you wanted, the reconciliation in front of the court of law isn’t what you think it means—”
Coldly, the middle-aged woman pushed Gu Liang away. “For me, no matter how much the compensation is, my daughter will never return. Her reputation, my innocence… all these things, are far more important than money.”
This sentence made Gu Liang’s complexion pale completely.
— No, that’s not right, she never said that sentence in my memories.
That sentence was something Gu Liang had realised on his own later.
Which meant that everything in front of him had to be an illusion.
I… Did I just descend into a nightmare?
Gu Liang pinched his arm viciously, trying to sober himself.
But in the same instance, that middle-aged woman had already jumped down with a large splash.
As he watched her body sink down bit by bit until it disappeared, Gu Liang realised that that sinking body was real, and that diminis.h.i.+ng life seemed to be real too.
No matter what it was, he had to save her.
Gu Liang jumped down immediately.
The anxiety from having to solve the case, the lack of sleep for an entire day and night, led to the slight decrease of his strength. In addition to the bone-piercing chill of the lake water, he found it rather strenuous to swim in the moment.
Moreover, for some unknown reason, that middle-aged woman was clearly carrying a bag of stones and her body was not moving at all, but she seemed to get further and further away from him, and no matter how hard Gu Liang chased, he could not catch her.
It was only when Gu Liang exhausted all the energy in his body, his spirit weary and strength practically drained, that he finally chased up to her, and took hold of her hand.
At this moment, the water had already pa.s.sed the top of her head.
Gu Liang pulled her hand, placing it over his shoulder before he held her head, trying to get her head above water, lest more water entered her lungs.
He could not understand why, but her body seemed to be as heavy as a thousand catties.
Gu Liang had no way of lifting her head up, so he could only take a deep breath and submerge himself in the water.
Under the lake surface, Gu Liang hugged her waist tightly, trying to carry her up.
But there were weighted rocks on her back, and her thick and heavy clothes had been completely drenched by the water; her entire body was far too heavy.
In the end, Gu Liang felt his arms losing strength bit by bit, until he involuntarily relaxed his grip. In that instant, she had already sank down to the depths of the lake, disappearing from his sight.
Because of that, Gu Liang could no longer chase up to her.
The lack of air over a long duration, made Gu Liang’s lungs protest with tremendous pain.
The pain in his shoulders and arms came from the sensation of his limbs slowly losing strength, the fatigue that came from the lack of sleep over a long period of time, and the despair that came from watching that person slowly sink to the bottom with wide eyes, unable to blink or tear his eyes away…
All sorts of messed-up emotions and grief suffocated his heart so badly that it was constantly throbbing. Finally, he had a single thought— He did not want to go up anymore. He was going to sink down like this, and die with her like this.
It was his mistake that led to this tragedy.
This kind of consequence, was something he was supposed to bear.
In what seemed to be unavoidable, Gu Liang’s nose relaxed, and his mouth opened up.
Gu Liang’s nostrils and oral cavity were filled with water instantaneously, and his consciousness started to fade at the same time.
From the moment he saw the middle-aged woman, the chill that had been emanating from his bone marrows up until now, had finally frozen his entire body.
He felt his four limbs becoming rigid from the coldness, to the extent where he did not want to make another movement.
But in the instant when he shut his eyes, he suddenly thought of a lot of things.
Before he left his house to go to work that morning, his younger maternal aunt had called out to him as she walked over to wrap a scarf around him. “It’s autumn, the skies are getting colder. You should be wearing more.”
Next, not too long ago, he had received his younger maternal male cousin’s text. “Ge, I’m going to be discharged from military service soon. When I come back, play basketball with me, you promised…”
When his memories jolted forwards slightly, there was Xun Feng.
He was an excellent doctor. When Gu Liang was receiving treatment, every weekly session spent in the treatment room to converse was always relaxing.
He was deserving of his trust too.
At this moment, Gu Liang thought of a song that Xun Feng had recommended to him.
It was a song sung by the j.a.panese Singer Nakas.h.i.+ma Mika called The Reason I Wanted to Die.
There was a line in the song lyrics that encouraged him: “The reason why I can’t stop thinking about death, must be that I take living too seriously.”
Lastly, Gu Liang thought of a person who had embraced him with all the strength he had, gave him a soft, gentle, and deep kiss, and also gave him… a thing called love, which he had never possessed in his life thus far.
— That person was Yang Ye.
“The reason why I wanted to die, was because I haven’t met you yet. If the world has people like you in it, then I like the world a little more.”
The eyes that were on the verge of closing, opened abruptly.
His lungs were in so much pain that it was threatening to split into pieces, the dizziness in his head made it feel like he would never wake up again if he closed his eyes, but Gu Liang mustered all his strength desperately, kicking his legs violently in tandem with his moving arms, until he finally brought his head out of the water.
He had to live, he had to live on.
He finally managed to save himself after much difficulty, he could not die like this.
He was not without anyone to rely on, he was not without a single friend, and right now, he even had a lover.
He had to live on.
He seemed to lose sensation in his arms and legs, his brain had stopped thinking as well. Gu Liang kept his eyes open, constantly staring at the side of the lake.
He knew he only had one goal— swim up to sh.o.r.e.
He had to get ash.o.r.e.
When he pulled out one of his arms and finally touched the gra.s.s at the side of the lake, Gu Liang breathed out deeply, grabbing hold of it tightly in his palm. Borrowing that small vestige of strength, Gu Liang did everything he could to swim and finally let himself get on sh.o.r.e.
His entire body collapsed on his side as he gasped for breath endlessly. Only then did he dare to close his eyes, just to gain a moment of reprieve.
Desperately swimming to sh.o.r.e was Gu Liang’s instinctive need for survival; owing to the sudden desperation for life, he had exhausted all his efforts to save himself.
At that moment, he gradually regained some strength as he rested his weary and exhausted body.
After the danger pa.s.sed and his strength recovered, the sequelae inevitably kicked in.
— His entire body started to tremble instead.
Regardless of whether his eyes were opened or closed, all Gu Liang could see was that woman slipping from his hands and sinking into the lake.
The warmth of her hands as he held onto her, the gaze she had used before she jumped into the water, how she had pushed away his hands to ensure that she would sink down to the lake bottom…
Each step, each image, Gu Liang remembered them with crystal clarity.
— Was she staring at me as she sank down to the bottom of the lake?
Has she forgiven me?
Does she hate me?
In an overly quiet environment, with the knowledge that no one would ever come to save him, made an uncontrollable panic surge up and spread from his heart. Gu Liang’s entire body shook, making him feel like everything was too hard for him to endure.
Gu Liang started to scratch his arms, but he did not have any nails which made it ineffective.
Hence, he grasped for the small stones at the lakeside, and started to drag it across his arms without any hesitation.
It was only when Gu Liang saw beads of blood oozing out from his skin, and felt the p.r.i.c.ks of pain transmitting from his skin, that he felt like he had sobered up a little, instead of being submerged in that dark dread.
There was visceral pain on his skin which could lessen the pain that his hallucinations were wreaking in his heart.
In that instant, Gu Liang became slightly addicted to the stimulation that the pain brought.
Just like how he had used razor blades to cut open his wrists in the past.
Hence, without him being fully conscious of it, both of his arms were already scarlet red with fresh blood from all the small cuts he had inflicted on himself.
The moment before he completely lost consciousness, he heard the sound of footsteps.
But before he could see the approaching person clearly, his vision had already gone dark.
* * *
When Ming Yue rushed over, Gu Liang could be described as extremely wretched in appearance.
He was still wearing School Senior Hua’s short-sleeved s.h.i.+rt and short pants, but his entire body was completely drenched.
His drenched state was not created by the lake water, because everything that Gu Liang was witnessing was but a hallucination created by the system from the very start.
Gu Liang’s clothes had been soaked through because of his cold sweat.
But the wounds on his arm were real; it was just that it was not what he imagined, where he had used the rocks to cut them open. Rather, he had used his short nails to inflict those wounds.
Both of his arms were blood red. In contrast to his skin which was white like paper, it made for an especially ghastly sight.
Cold sweat was dripping down his face too, and the hair on his forehead was completely drenched and pasted on his forehead. Further downwards was his scrunched tight eyes. Even if it was just a dream, his eyelashes and mouth still quivered slightly from the overwhelming dread.
Ming Yue threw down a thin blanket to cover his body, then knelt down to lift up his bloodied arm.
Ming Yue’s eyebrows furrowed slightly before he took up a syringe to inject a depressant into his vein.
* * *
When Gu Liang woke up, he heard a “crackling” noise coming from the side.
Gu Liang, who was now lying on the bed, turned his head, only to realise that the sound had been emitted by the fireplace a short distance away.
The firelight from the fireplace dispersed all the chill, making Gu Liang feel like his body was extremely warm and snug.
Sitting up, Gu Liang observed his surroundings. He discovered that he was in a strange place— the ceiling, floor, and walls were all white. It was the type of pure white colour that gave people the sensation that this place was completely devoid of life.
Moments later, someone carrying something walked in.
It was Ming Yue.
There was a short table beside the fireplace, and there were two blankets on the ground.
Ming Yue put down the items in his hands on the short wooden table before he glanced at Gu Liang. “If you’re awake, come and eat something.”
It could not be denied that Gu Liang was extremely thirsty, and he was in desperate need of sustenance to replenish his strength.
Thus, he stood up and walked over, sitting down opposite of Ming Yue.
After drinking a mouthful of hot porridge and eating some pastries, he felt a lot better.
Having recovered slightly, Gu Liang asked him: “Where is this place? What is your ident.i.ty exactly?”
Ming Yue merely said: “An unexpected situation happened to your person, and owing to the system’s humanistic consciousness, it allowed your cla.s.smate, which is me, to bring you out of the small black room temporarily.”
Giving a pause, Ming Yue continued to say: “Honestly speaking, I find it quite strange— even though you’re not fully recovered from your PTSD, you managed to walk to this stage in this type of game.”
Gu Liang knitted his eyebrows together. Then, he stated, “Thanks for your porridge.”
Ming Yue raised an eyebrow in reply. “You’re thanking me? Not blaming me for deceiving you?”
Gu Liang: “Those were the rules of the game to begin with, why should I blame you?”
Ming Yue chuckled before he said, “You currently have two choices. One, after resting for some time, you have to go back to the small black room and continue your punishment, then go back to the inn, and once the downtime is over, continue playing the game.
“You still have a second choice, which is that you don’t have to go back to the small black room, but you’ll a.s.sist me in some matters instead.”
Gu Liang asked: “What do you mean by a.s.sist you in some matters?”
Ming Yue: “I mainly help the system with its programming and safeguard it from bugs, while writing scripts in my spare time and occasionally making a guest appearance as a NPC. If you come over, you can a.s.sist me in a lot of areas. I can’t say more for the time being, unless you’re really coming over.”
Gu Liang shook his head decisively. “That won’t be necessary. I’m going back.”
Ming Yue went silent for a moment, asking: “Why is that? Is it because of Yang Ye?”
Gu Liang: “You can just a.s.sume that I’m doing it for him.”
Ming Yue: “Then you’ll have to go back to the small black room and suffer from your punishment soon. Look at your own arms. Can you even take it?”
Gu Liang: “That’s my own business, you don’t need to trouble yourself over it.”
Ming Yue laughed, “I’m just very curious, and incredibly intrigued.”
Gu Liang did not speak, so Ming Yue continued to say: “Brother Liang, I have always believed that we are the same type of people in actuality. We can take our brains, and use it something that is incredibly meaningful, or perhaps extremely valuable. From how I see it, I think it’s a great pity that you’re actually being delayed by the profane and worldly affection right now.”
Gu Liang was not interested in debating with Ming Yue about their views on life and love, so he simply said: “Just a.s.sume that I couldn’t break out of those conventions then.”
Ming Yue’s eyes narrowed momentarily as he said: “Brother Liang, you should be aware of the suspension bridge effect. In this game that is full of thrillers and stimulation, both of you have helped each other and experienced numerous dangers , but the truth of the matter is that you’re just crossing a suspended bridge together, which led to the secretion of hormones like dopamine. But once this game ends, that feeling will fade very quickly.
“Either that, or you’re only treating him as the person who rescued you, which is why you look at him like…”
“He’s not the person who rescued me.”
Gu Liang interrupted Ming Yue in a calm manner, “I saved myself. I went to the doctor, cooperated with the treatment to the best of my ability, ate the medicine… insomuch as I was frequently stuck in my self-loathing, I tried my best to make myself better. I met him afterwards.
“We shouldn’t make unreasonable demands and ask for people to save us; we have to learn to save ourselves.
“Or else, had I truly succeeded in committing suicide, I wouldn’t have met Yang Ye. I’m very grateful that I chose to save myself.”
The author has something to say:
“The reason why I wanted to die, was that my shoelaces had come undone.”
“I was never really good at re-tying them, my relations.h.i.+ps with others are the same too.”
“I once thought about dying too, was because my heart had become hollow.”
“The reason why I cried about the hollowness, must be because I craved for fulfilment.”
This song has given me a lot encouragement once, I’m recommending it to all of you as well oh~
Meanwhile, the translator is just silently crying as she puts the song on repeat and translates the chapter.