Living to Suffer

V

He called it sleep but it was no different than unconsciousness.

Theeffect of the orange jessamine on Ch’in Ching was equivalent to poison, but hegrew up eating medicine rather than rice and had even tried fighting fire withfire to alleviate his cardiac pain. A bit of poison would not do him much harm.He simply needed to undergo a fever.

Hishead felt as though it were on fire, but the rest of him seemed to be soaked inice water. He was senseless, but his teeth were chattering by themselves.

The autumnwind ran wild and brisk through the woods. Seeing Ch’in Ching curled up in apathetic lump by the tree, Shen Liangsheng took him by the collar and carriedhim as he would a sack. Quick as a phantom, he zipped through the area until hecame upon a cave. Then he flung the man inside to save him from the torture ofthe wind.

Heflung the man but also sent along a concealed force. The man weighed close toten stones but fell to the floor without a sound, without a single speck ofdust displaced, as though he were gently placed. The intricacies involved inthis move were obvious.

Hands clasped behind him, Shen Liangsheng stood at themouth of cave awaiting Ch’in Ching’s fever and slumber to come to an end. Aftera pot of tea’s time, he heard his name softly called.

Heturned around and approached only to find the man still unconscious andmurmuring in his dreams.

ShenLiangsheng stared coolly at the man for a while and then bent down to inspecthis breath. Warm and steady. The man would not die.

Hestraightened up and stood in the darkness, eyes downcast. Beside his feet was aslumbering man calling his name.

Ch’inChing rolled over in his sleep, his forehead touching Shen Liangsheng’s shoe.His arm would not stay still either and crept up so that his hand wrappedloosely around Shen Liangsheng’s ankle. He went quiet after that.

ShenLiangsheng still stood there in silence, his face not revealing his thoughts,but he did not kick the man away.

Dawn had not yet broken when Ch’in Ching awoke.Blinking his eyes, he realized he was in another location.

A cavein the mountains. Not a ray of light to tell sky from earth. The heat in hishead, which was not a serious problem to begin with, had gone down.

Heraised his hand to rub his forehead, sc.r.a.ping Shen Liangsheng’s leg in theprocess, and noticed how close the man was.

Lookingup, he saw a desolate shadow darker than night.

After amoment, Ch’in Ching cracked a smile as he shakily dragged himself up by theends of the man’s outer robe to stand nearly face to face with him. His handssneaked around the man’s waist.

In thatdarkest moment immediately prior to dawn, he barely managed to make out theblurry image of the man’s face. Shen Liangsheng wore the same emotionlessexpression, and surprisingly Ch’in Ching kept quiet, merely staring intentlyback at the man, as if thinking about something.

Theywere so close that their lashes could cross, that they breathed each other’sair. Ch’in Ching slowly leaned in, closing the final hair’s breadth to come lipto lip with the man.

“Whatis it you desire?” Shen Liangsheng finally spoke, his tone flat without shockor fury as though they were sitting across a table rather than standing withlips touching.

“What Idesire you will not, or cannot, give me.” Not taking the opportunity to advancefurther while the man was talking, Ch’in Ching merely kept his lips on those ofthe man. As he talked, the lips rubbed lightly against one another, creating anunspeakable, secretive, twisted sense of intimacy. “So I ask for a stalk of huai-meng ts’ao.”

“Whatfor?”

“Medicine.”

“Verywell.”

Once the negotiation was finalized, Ch’in Ching pulledback and walked to the mouth of the cave. As he stood tall in the weak dawnlight which was just reaching over the horizon, the wild, repressed l.u.s.t beganto calm down under the gusts of cold autumn wind, and his boiling blood slowlyreturned to its original, dead state.

Soon,the new sun burst through casting its life-giving, fiery luminance onto allbeings. Though winter would shortly be upon the land, when the gra.s.s wouldwither and the flowers would fall, they all would live once again next year,and the cycle would continue without end. At that thought, a smile made its wayonto Ch’in Ching’s face. Of course he had no resentment.

It was written in Tung-mingChi:“On the mountain where fire grows is the mengts’ao which resembles the cattail, is red in colour and shrinks into theearth by day, coming forth at night. Its alternative name is huai-meng.”

Thestrange plant recorded in the literature truly did exist and grew on the peakof Mount Fut’u, andMount Fut’u just so happened to be the location of the Hsing Sect’s headquarters,a place into which outsiders had much difficulty gaining entrance.

Ch’in Chingexplained that this plant required a unique picking process and that it wouldlose its effects after three k’e,and therefore he needed to personally visit the site. Shen Liangsheng repliedwith an indifferent look.

“Do youthink I enjoy the idea of visiting that G.o.dforsaken place where one can enter butnot leave? Yet there simply is no other way.” Ch’in Ching brought his handstogetherand laughed apologetically. “So I must ask you to do me this favour.”

ShenLiangsheng shot him another look before suddenly reaching out, playing the sametrick again. He lifted the doctor up by the collar and began to flit northward.

Ch’inChing was shorter but not by much. He found it quite uncomfortable beingcarried like this. Wind gushed in his ears, and his vision blurred. It was thenthat he knew he was not p.r.o.ne to carriage-sickness or seasickness but ch’ingkung-sickness. He managed to findthe breath to speak. “Shen-hufa, Imust return to my hut to retrieve some tools and herbs…”

The momenthe finished the final syllable, his vision blurred again. Shen Liangsheng hadtaken a sharp eastward turn, not slowing down at all in the process. Ch’inChing felt so sick that he had to put all his effort into not vomiting.

What would take a normal man two days to walk merelytook Shen Liangsheng little more than two hours. Although he had been carryinganother man, he was breathing steadily and appeared relaxed when he landed. Onthe other hand, Ch’in Ching held his knees and retched for a few minutes. Bythe time he finished he was a big teary mess.

Ch’inChing’s hut had been built in the depths of the mountains, and he had setprotective circles at the entrance to the path leading to it. Shen Liangshengaccompanied him to the mouth of the valley and announced that the doctor had anhour to gather his equipment before departing.

Afterhe retrieved his things, Ch’in Ching shuffled out of the valley and beganbargaining meekly, “Well, Shen-hufa,the fact of the matter is that I’m not in a rush, so might I suggest that wehire a carriage–”

“Noneed.” Shen Liangsheng summarily crushed the idea. Seeing the man standing thirtyyards away like a bunny hiding from a hawk, he reached out a hand and commandedgruffly, “Come here.”

No way in h.e.l.l! Ch’inChing swore silently. It was just one kiss – and it was debatable whether thateven counted as a kiss – must he torment him like this?!

Shen-hufa watched the doctor go throughseveral different expressions while refusing to move. He pushed off into theair with his toes and closed the distance between them in the blink of an eye.Before Ch’in Ching could even process the situation, he and his belongings hadalready been lifted up into Shen Liangsheng’s arms.

A rareblush appeared on the doctor’s cheeks. His mouth opened, but the word of thanksdid not come out. Unlike his own pathetic performance carrying the man severalmonths ago, Shen Liangsheng had him in a very firm hold. Closing his eyes,Ch’in Ching tucked his luggage close and nestled into the man’s chest, feelingas light and graceful as a feather soaring through clouds and riding the fog.The wind was whistling in his ears, and amidst that sound was the man’s steadyheartbeat – badoom badoom – asrhythmic as a water clock, quietly witnessing the pa.s.sage of time with everydrip, unaffected by the outer world.

Although Mount Fut’u was the headquarters of the HsingSect, it was not remote by any means. Without breaks or sleep, Shen Liangshengarrived at the foot of the mountain in a mere two days.

As acommon mortal, Ch’in Ching had to eat, sleep and answer the call of nature.Shen-hufa never once chatted with him,only silently pushing onward. Ch’in Ching did not want to make himselfunwelcome, so he resorted to napping when he became bored. He likely was asleepfor longer than he was awake during the trip, but every time he roused from hisslumber in Shen Liangsheng’s arms, the man’s clear-cut jaw line and steely coldeyes would remind him that perhaps this man was not a real man. Maybe heactually was the soul of a knife, the spirit of a sword, the ghost of Asura.

Arriving at the foot of Mount Fut’u, Ch’in Ching steadiedhimself on solid ground and looked up. A sky-sc.r.a.ping mountain with anextremely steep incline, it indeed was a location that was easy to defend but difficultto invade.

TheHsing Sect controlled the land for one hundred liaround the mountain, and members had received news that their hufa was bringing home an outsider – andin his arms, no less. Now that was a truly spectacular sight!

It wasthe first time that Ch’in Ching had been this close to the place the chianghu often compared to the Realm ofYama,and before he could process everything, a fairy-like figure descended beforehim in a billow of green robes. It was a fair, young woman who flashed a smilebefore even speaking.

“Miao-t’angchu,”Shen Liangsheng spoke first with furrowed brows. “You’re on duty today?”

“No. I’m here for the spectacle.” The woman’s wordswere blunt. Without ruining the mood, Ch’in Ching chuckled and joined theconversation. “And I’m of course the performer, surname Ch’in, given nameChing, courtesy name Hengsu. May I have the honour of learning your name, my lady?”

“Aha…” The woman cracked an understanding grin. “I amMiao Jan. So you’re the one.”

“Me?”

“The one who saved him, of course.” Miss Miao pointedat Shen Liangsheng and continued her candid speech. “Our hufa is a very proper man, Ch’in-taifu. Do not love him and leave him, or else you will have toanswer to my blade.”

“I…” Even a thick-skinned fellow like Ch’in Ching wastemporarily speechless. Instead it was Shen Liangsheng who recovered his dead,emotionless mask and requested with propriety, “I beseech Miao-t’angchu to keep watch on him while I godirectly and report to the deputy leader.”

“The deputy leader is in the Kriyā chamber dealing with administration.May your feet be swift, for I cannot guarantee his safety for long.”

“Thank you.” Shen Liangsheng gave a slight nod. Beforeleaving, he shot another glance at Miao Jan, and if Ch’in Ching read itcorrectly, there was a hint of warning within.

“Huh, he sure holds you close.” After watching ShenLiangsheng go, Miao Jan turned back to Ch’in Ching and studied him from head totoe.

“I think Shen-hufafears that I might violate your respectable sect’s taboos if I were allowed toroam freely.”

“So you really do not know who I am?” Miao Jan queriedwonderingly. “Perhaps you truly are a doctor on the outskirts of the chianghu.”

“Actually quite the opposite. To be frank with you, mylady, I have indeed heard of you.”

“Oh, then you are quite a brave soul.” Miao Jan had afair complexion and a slender, elegant figure. She circled around Ch’in Ching,and when she stood before him once more, her face had not changed, but therewas a new aura about her that made it hard to look away. “Or are you saying youonly have eyes for him?”

“Nay. The hufaand I…” Ch’in Ching thought wryly that she could probably build a ladder thatstretched from the peak to the foot of this mountain using the bones of all themen who had fallen under her charm. Why was she so desperate to add him to thepile? But he continued, “…have nothing between us. I do not wish for anymisunderstanding.”

“Pfft, nothing between you?” The truth was that MiaoJan was not going to do anything to him. She ended the seduction spell andgiggled, “I was only joking, but now that you have mentioned it, it seems allthe more suspicious.”

“So itdoes, my lady.” Ch’in Ching breathed a sigh of relief and returned a quip. “Youask that I not love him and leave him, but surely you know what he is like. Hedoesn’t appear to be interested in love, with or without the leaving part.”

“Wouldyou like to learn a few techniques?”

“Iappreciate the offer.”

“Hmph.”Miao Jan suddenly closed the distance and whispered in his ear. “Ch’in-taifu, if you feel something for him,then act upon it. He might not look it…” Her voice dropped lower and becamefaint wisps of air. “Have you heard of our sect’s shuang-hsiu mantra?He might not look it, but if you get your hands on him, I guarantee pleasurebetween the sheets beyond your wildest dreams.”

The headquarters of the Hsing Sect was not built onthe peak, and Shen Liangsheng travelled as fast as he did two days ago showingno signs of fatigue. He had already returned while the two were still conversing,and he saw them whispering in each other’s ears. Miao Jan had a relaxedexpression while Ch’in Ching seemed fl.u.s.tered with a slight frown.

“Ch’inChing, let us ascend.”

ShenLiangsheng glanced at him without saying any more. Only when they were climbingdid he speak, “Keep your distance from her if you want to live.”

“Shen-hufa, could it be that you are concernedabout me?” Ch’in Ching was panting roughly from the climb but still quipped,“Or could it be…” He took two quicker steps to catch up to Shen Liangsheng. “Thatyou are jealous?”

“…”

Asexpected, Shen Liangsheng ignored him. Giving up the joke, he confessed, “Wedidn’t do anything. She just told me that you were good in bed.”

“…”

“Soit’s true?”

“…”

“Now,it’s not like you haven’t done it before. Once more wouldn’t make a difference,so why not just grant me my wish?”

“…”

“Ormaybe you can’t get hard with men?”

“…”

“Well,it’s fine if the bottom one cannot get hard.”

“…”

“I mightnot be married, but I’ve had my fair share of experience. I might not be asskilled as you, but I will not disappoint. I’ll include a trial period and fullrefund. How about it?”

“…”

“Say–”

“Wehave arrived.”

ShenLiangsheng paid no attention to all the brash chatter. He stopped and made asign with his right hand, tapping it in the air. Immediately the sceneryshifted. A dozen yards away stood a gargantuan building that struck fear intothose who laid eyes upon it, every block and tile seemingly made entirely fromshiny, black iron.

Ch’inChing stood with his hands behind him, squinting at the giant doors swingingopen like the jaws of a beast about to consume its prey. Above the doors was ablack placard like any other sect. He wondered if the red calligraphy was thework of the founder of the Hsing Sect, the man who had torn the chianghu into shreds two hundred yearsago.

Thegiant red “Hsing” appeared to have been written with blood, and that blood hadnot yet dried after the centuries and threatened to drip down from the finalstroke of the blade.

Murder, slaughter, invasion, aggression – theyseemed to leap out from the placard, heading straight for him.