Living to Suffer

VII

The truth was that for a moment that day, ShenLiangsheng thought he was going to die.

Heopened his eyes and saw an oil-paper umbrella, and painted on the umbrella wereyellow reeds.

Perhapsit was his inability to move a single muscle, or perhaps it was the despairingsound of rain; in that moment, he truly thought he was going to die there. Inhis heart, however, was no regret, no worry. Nothing.

And inthat split second, a quiet thought floated to mind. For twenty-six years he hadwalked the earth and committed countless sins and planted numerous bad seeds ofkarma. In the end, however, his world was reduced to a tiny microcosm:

Ashrine. Summer rain. Reeds.

He did not die, however, and thus the microcosm slowlyshrank into a pinpoint, appearing so distant it felt like an old dream.

Thesummer rain had long ceased, and the paper reeds had succ.u.mbed to the mud. Onlythe person who had opened the window onto this small, private universe for himremained.

ShenLiangsheng had to admit he had been making exceptions for Ch’in Ching time andtime again.

Notrejecting him meant silent permission. Not killing him meant he wanted the manto live.

Ch’in Ching sat at the table treating his injury.

Withhis back turned at an angle to the door, he concentrated only on wrapping thebandage and did not see that Shen Liangsheng had turned around.

Hisright shoulder was wounded, so he could only use his left hand. Every layer ofbandage meant he had to lift his arm which made him hiss from the pain, and bythe time it was finally complete, he was covered with cold sweat. His left armwas nearly dead, and he struggled to tie a knot.

ShenLiangsheng watched this from the door. He should have left after seeing the manwas alive, but he was still there staring at the doctor who was trying againand again unsuccessfully to tie a knot.

“Don’t move.”

Ch’inChing had poor neikung and could notdetect Shen Liangsheng’s footsteps. He only noticed another person’s presenceafter hearing the command. Instinctively, he made to look behind him, but theperson laid a hand on his shoulder.

Then hewatched Shen Liangsheng circle around, bend over slightly and carefully, neatlytie a dead knot for him.

Ch’in Ching’s throat felt dry. Although he knewhydration was to be avoided after blood loss, he still reached for the tea poton the table and poured himself half a cup of cold tea, emptying it in onegulp. Only then did he slowly prop himself up and fix his clothes.

Withoutasking the man why he had returned, Ch’in Ching skirted around him and headedtowards the kitchen to make himself some medicinal congee.

As ifhe did not mind being ignored, Shen Liangsheng followed the doctor’s footstepsand stood by the brick stove, watching. Ch’in Ching washed the rice, uncoveredthe stove, tossed a few handfuls of kindling onto the fire. After the rice andwater reached a boil, he put in the medicinal ingredients one by one. Then hecovered the pot with a lid before pulling a stool over, sitting down and beginningto absentmindedly poke the fire.

Theonly sounds in the kitchen were the soft snaps and cracks of the firewood.Perhaps Ch’in Ching was tired, for his eyes began drooping down as he staredblankly at the fire, and eventually they shut closed as though he were asleep.

“Ithink you probably know, Shen-hufa.”

Justwhen Shen Liangsheng thought the doctor had fallen asleep, he spoke.

“I loveyou.”

Nothingmore came after that. Under the quiet sunlight, Ch’in Ching’s head dipped down.He really fell asleep.

Then the doctor had a dream. He dreamt he was youngagain, crying, tugging at the edges of his shifu’stunic. As he wept he begged,

“Idon’t want to die, Shifu. Please,just let me hide in a place where n.o.body will find me. I don’t want to die.”

Howlong had it been since he had a dream like this? Ch’in Ching still kept a shredof awareness in the dream, as though his grown up self had flown back in timeas a lost soul and hovered in place observing the petulant cry-baby that washis earlier self.

More than two hundred years ago, an evil fiend emergedout of nowhere. The mantra he practised was strange and mysterious butextremely powerful, allowing him to singlehandedly establish the Hsing Sect andnearly flip the chianghu upside down.

Ultimately,however, evil could not triumph over good. Having taken one wrong move, theHsing Sect leader received what should have been a mortal wound but, because ofthe Five Skandhas, managed to preserve his life, leaving the rest of the chianghu with a weighty concern.

Aftermore than two centuries of feigned death, he was quietly biding the time untilhis revival, when he would return with abilities a hundred times stronger thanbefore making him well-nigh invincible. In that event, the denizens of the chianghu would only be able to watchhelplessly as he brought an end to life as they knew it.

Alasfor him, the mantra was missing its final and most crucial two pages.Therefore, the Hsing Sect knew only that the revival of their leader required asoul trigger and a blood trigger. The soul trigger had been pa.s.sed down to everygeneration via the deputy leader whereas the whereabouts of the blood triggerwas still unknown.

Itwould have been best if the unholy pages had been destroyed, but rumour had itthat the pages included a treasure map. The evil fiend had only utilized asmall portion of the treasures to establish the sect, meaning whoever coulddecode the map would become wealthy enough to rival the state.

Regardlesswhether this was true or merely a rumour spread by the Hsing Sect, as birdswill die for food, so will men die for wealth. Throughout the decades, thesepages travelled the land pa.s.sing through several parties until finally landingin the hands of a powerful recluse of the chianghu.This individual did not destroy them but rather handed them to a good friend inthe Buddhist sects so that the secrets behind the mantra could be deciphered.

Aftermuch research, it became clear that the blood trigger was the key to defeatingthe fiend. According to the text, the blood trigger referred to the blooddirectly from the heart. The vessel of the blood trigger would be an individualchosen by the heavens, and as a mark of his destiny, his heart would be differentthan that of others. If the evil fiend was to be revived, this person wouldhave to be hung up and his blood drained directly from his beating heart forseven days. Through studying the text, the monks speculated that the one chanceto reverse the life-sustaining effects of the mantra was at the end of theseven day period, exactly at the moment of a successful revival.

Theevil and the good both waited for two centuries for the blood trigger to beborn. The Hsing Sect had little knowledge of where to look, but Ch’in Ching’s shifu so happened to be the pupil ofthat powerful recluse and knew the art of divination. He took Ch’in Ching away withhim while he was still swaddled to rid the infant of all worldly ties, all sothat he might test the speculations of those who studied the text. Since he waswagering his disciple’s life against a successful outcome, it could be saidthat Ch’in Ching’s fondness of risk and gambling had been pa.s.sed down from hismaster.

Ch’inChing’s shifu never kept him in thedark about anything. Ever since he was old enough to think and speak, he knewhe had been born to die.

Whetherit was dying in order to push the world into chaos, or dying in order to saveall the lives of the land, his destiny was painful and potentially pointlessdeath.

Sadly,the young Ch’in Ching was unwilling to accept his fate, often weeping andbegging his shifu to hide himsomewhere so the demonic sect could not find him. He wept, saying, “I want tolive. I don’t want to die.”

But ashe reached maturity, he came to terms with his destiny and in turn became an unorthodoxdoctor. With his excellent healing skills, he saved any bird or beast, any goodor wicked man he came upon. In his own words, it was better to stay alive ifone could.

Andthus, Shen Liangsheng, Shen-hufa, wassaved by him. When Buddha said hatred and resentment meet,he likely meant the more debt and karma that had acc.u.mulated between two peoplethe less likely they could avoid each other. You must meet, and even if you donot wish to – too bad for you.

Theheavens played a trick on Ch’in Ching, and he welcomed it with open arms.Seeing that Shen-hufa was quitegood-looking, he was decisive and gave into l.u.s.t and desire, thinking of it as merelya taste of pleasure before death.

Awaking from the dream of the past, Ch’in Ching was momentarilyin a daze. He smelled rice and herbs in the air, and he saw someone standing atthe brick stove, head down, stirring the pot of congee.

Staringat Shen Liangsheng’s back, Ch’in Ching praised himself for being so gifted – hehad told himself, “he’s the one, fall in love with him,” and he did exactlythat.

As forwhether his love was true, Ch’in Ching thought it was, just as he thought itwas true when he said, “For the land, for humanity, I have no resentment.”

Someoneonce said that a lie told a thousand times becomes the truth, and Ch’in Chingagreed with this reasoning.

Thefalsehood blended into truth, and the truth blended into falsehood. Life was tooshort to waste one’s time figuring out which was which.

“Shen-hufa,if I had known you were not one to shun the kitchen,I would have made you work to pay the rent for the month you stayed here.”

Ch’inChing rose from his seat and stood flush against the man’s back, resting hischin on his shoulder. He reached around to grab a white porcelain spoon fromthe countertop before taking the wooden ladle from Shen Liangsheng and spooningout a bowl of congee. Stepping aside, he began eating while blowing on eachspoonful.

Thetaller man watched the doctor sip the congee with a tiny trace of a docile smileabout his lips and a shallow dimple on his cheek, perhaps because the nap haddone him good.

Bythen, the sun was sinking in the west, and its remaining rays shone through thewindows, hitting the doctor’s face. The thin scar on his cheek looked like atear streak and along with the light smile formed a smilingsob, or perhaps it was a sobbing smile.

“I doknow.” Shen Liangsheng’s utterance was soft but nonetheless abrupt. Ch’in Chingpaused with the spoon in his mouth and then recalled his confession earlier. Heshook his head while the smile grew on his face.

“Sowhat now?” Ch’in Ching looked at him smilingly while adding a suggestive toneto his question.

“I havea question as well.”

“Oh?I’m all ears.”

Ch’inChing thought to himself that not even Shen-hufacould escape clichés. Perhaps the man would inquire ‘why do you love me?’ Ifnot, then he would have given a cold retort, ‘so what if you do?’

“Ch’inChing, how long have you wanted me to f.u.c.k you?”

COUGH COUGH COUGH.

Ch’inChing was in the process of swallowing a mouthful of congee and consequently choked.“Shen-hufa, please don’t tell jokeswhile I’m eating.”

Butinstead of answering, Shen Liangsheng took a step towards the doctor, blockingthe slanted rays of the sun, and planted his lips on the corner of the man’slips, licking clean the remaining traces of congee with slow flicks of histongue.

“You…”Ch’in Ching started to speak, but the man took the opportunity to snake histongue in through the opening while one hand slid up to his ear, fingers gentlyrubbing his earlobe.

Ch’inChing felt a light tingle from his ear, and the next thing he knew, the man wascarefully pa.s.sing his tongue along the roof of his mouth before skilfullycoaxing his tongue with tireless licks.

“I…”Getting a hold of himself, Ch’in Ching took a small step back and attempted tospeak again, but the taller man pressed him back into his embrace with one handand resumed the kiss, this time a deeper one. The tip of his tongue reached thebase of the doctor’s, and he gently lapped at the muscle again, inviting it toa lingering dance.

Althoughthere was a lot Ch’in Ching should say, at this point there was nothing more hewished to say. He closed his eyes as the evening sun meandered in the s.p.a.cebetween their faces, lightly grazing his eyelids and dyeing them red likerubies. The fervid kiss was intoxicating, like a century old bottle of wine.

Ch’inChing tried to kiss back, but the man did not give him the slightest chance,and the gentle caress became an aggressive offence, stripping the doctor of anyownership over his own mouth. Ch’in Ching nearly lost track of his own tongueand could only sway along the rough waves like a canoe in a storm.

Caughtin the fervor, Ch’in Ching forgot to breathe through his nose for some time,and when he eventually did and his brain cleared up somewhat he noticed thatthe taller man had slowed the pace. His tongue was now thrusting repeatedly deepinside his mouth, gyrating as one would during coitus.

Theteasing was making Ch’in Ching’s throat quiver and his mouth water, and unableto swallow, he could only let the saliva overflow and dribble from his lips inbetween his m.u.f.fled moans.

Theirbodies were extremely close, and as the kiss was prolonged, Ch’in Ching’smember began to rouse and push its half-erect length into the taller man’sthigh.

Hewiggled a little, rubbing his soft erection on the man’s leg over severallayers of cloth as if to beg, or perhaps it was to tease.

ShenLiangsheng smoothly followed the cue, his fingers leaving the doctor’s ear andtrailing down his back. He cupped the b.u.t.tocks, pressing his hips towardshimself while kneading the globes playfully.

BeforeCh’in Ching knew it, Shen Liangsheng had left his lips, ending the kiss, andinstead moved to his earlobe. The taller man took a gentle nibble before takingthe entire thing into his mouth. The tip of his tongue slid across the curvatureof the cartilage before slipping inside and wetting every inch of skin.

Ashudder ran through Ch’in Ching and nearly rendered his core muscles useless ashe struggled to stay upright. He discovered with surprise the sensitivity ofhis ears.

ShenLiangsheng wrapped the doctor firmly in his arms, and knowing its potency, heswirled his tongue in and around his ear without as much as a pause.

“Mmm…”Without the man’s lips, Ch’in Ching’s moan became louder and more distinct. Hefelt as though the thing in his ear was not a tongue but a snake. The placesthe tongue touched were numb and tingly, and the man’s heated breath was like asnake burrowing, deeper and deeper, from his ear into his heart and then withthe flow of his blood to the rest of his body, leaving his bones, his skin –every inch of him – aching with desire.

Instinctively,his body writhed, his skin rubbing against his clothes. The soft material nowbecame a torture device, doing little to alleviate his yearning but ratheradding to the problem. He wanted nothing more than to rip them off and savehimself from the torment.

Hismember was now fully hardened, and its tip wet. He made to touch it but onlyfound their bodies flush against each other, not giving him any room to reachin. The only thing he could do was to cling to the man’s back with all thestrength he could muster like a drowning man would to a piece of driftwood,while he panted and moaned.

ShenLiangsheng, on the other hand, was calm and composed, continuing his game withthe ear while letting the doctor cling to him. He felt Ch’in Ching’s breathquickening. Out of nowhere a rough shudder ran through the man in his arms, andhe knew that he had found release without any direct contact.

“Ch’in Ching.” Shen Liangsheng let him go. Hisexpression was as cold as ice and his breathing had not been altered. Ratherthan a pa.s.sionate and intimate affair, it seemed as though he were at amilitary negotiation on the battlefield. “Desire is illusion; if you cannot letit go, you must suffer.”

“Areyou giving me a warning, Shen-hufa?”After Ch’in Ching caught his breath, he appeared nonchalant as always and eyedthe hufa’s unresponsive crotch. “Ican’t let it go. You can’t get it up. I reckon we are even.”

“Nomatter, Ch’in-taifu.” Shen Liangshengdid not appear to be angered by the mockery and only nodded. “The night isyoung.”