"I thought maybe you were bored with Andy away." It was a clever choice of words. He said "bored," not "lonely." She was both in fact, but she had no intention of admitting it to him. "Would you like to have lunch, for old times" sake?" He sounded gentle and youthful, and almost humble. And safe, which was deceptive. Even if he meant it, he was not, and never would be for her.
"I don"t think so." It wasn"t a good idea, and she knew it.
"I"ve always wanted you to see the building here in town. It"s incredible. One of the most beautiful in the country. You were in on the beginning, I thought you"d want to see where it all went after... after you..."
"I"d like to, but I don"t think we should."
"Why not?" He sounded disappointed, and it touched her. Danger! Danger! It was like a sign flashing. But she chose to ignore it anyway.
"I don"t know, Joe," she said, sighing. She was tired. And he was so familiar. It was so comfortable talking to him, it made her want to turn back the clock. It suddenly made her think of the two years of agony when everyone thought he"d been killed, and seeing him on the ship for the first time when he came back from Germany. There were so many threads left from those days, dangling off her heart, but it wasn"t enough to hang on to. "There"s been a lot of water under the bridge since I left New Jersey."
"That"s my point. I want you to see what the dam looks like. It"s a beauty."
"You"re hopeless," she laughed at him. But she was feeling more comfortable with him.
"Am I? Why can"t we be friends, Kate?" Because I still love you, she wanted to answer. Or did she? Maybe it was just the memory of love that looked like the real thing. Maybe all it had ever been was an illusion. What she had with Andy was real love. She was sure of it. Joe was something else, an illusion, a dream, a hope that refused to die, a childish fairy tale that she always wanted a happy ending for and couldn"t have. Joe was a disaster waiting to happen, and she knew it. They both did. "Have lunch with me ... please... I"ll behave. I promise."
"I"m sure we both would," she said firmly, "but why put ourselves through it?"
"Because we enjoy each other"s company, we always did. What are you worried about anyway? You"re married, you have a baby, a life. All I have are airplanes." He tried to sound pathetic and she laughed at him.
"Don"t give me that, Joe Allbright! That"s all you ever wanted. More than you wanted me, in fact. That"s why I left you."
"We could have had both," he said sadly, and this time he sounded as though he meant it. She hated him for saying it now. It was much, much too late.
"I tried telling you that, you wouldn"t listen," she said sadly.
"I was incredibly stupid and scared of getting tied down. I"m smarter now, and braver. I"m older. And I know what I lost when you left me. I was too proud to admit to you or myself then what you meant to me. My life has been meaningless without you, Kate." Joe sounded just as he had when she loved him most and it was everything she had always wanted to hear from him. It was a cruel trick of fate to hear it now. Too late.
"I"m married, Joe," she said softly.
"I know. I"m not asking you to change that. I understand that you"ve made a life for yourself. I just want lunch. A sandwich, an hour. You can spare me that. I just want to show you what I"ve done." He sounded so proud of it, and as though he had no one to share it with, which was his own fault. She had to believe there had been other women since she left, but knowing him maybe not, or maybe no one important. He was consumed by his planes and his business. And he had long since been recognized as the world"s most important airplane designer. He was a genius. "Will you do it, Kate? h.e.l.l, you can"t have much else to do with Andy gone. Get a sitter and come to lunch with me, or bring the baby." But she wouldn"t have done that. She had already used several baby-sitters when she and Andy went out for the evening, and she had some good ones to call. She wouldn"t have taken Reed to an office building, in case he disturbed the people working there.
"All right, all right," she said with a sigh. It was like arguing with a kid. He was so d.a.m.nably persuasive. "I"ll do it."
"You"re wonderful, Kate. Thank you." What difference did it make? she asked herself. Why on earth did he care if she saw his office? She had to keep reminding herself that she was married to Andy. "How about tomorrow?" he suggested.
She thought about it for a long moment, and then nodded. "Okay." She wanted to get it behind her and prove that she could do it, without falling for him again, or wanting him, or being drawn to him. It had to be possible. It was like a reformed alcoholic proving to himself that he could walk past a bar without drinking. And she knew she could do it, no matter how appealing he was.
"Do you want me to pick you up?" he offered, and she declined. She said she"d meet him at the restaurant. He suggested Giovanni"s, and she said she"d meet him at twelve-thirty She arrived at the restaurant the next day, precisely on time, in a white linen suit, with her hair pulled back and a big straw hat she had bought at Bonwit Teller. She looked very chic, and Joe was waiting for her. He kissed her on the cheek, and several people looked at them. He was a very distinctive figure, and easily recognized after all the press he got, and she was a beautiful woman in a great hat. But no one knew who she was.
"You always made me look good," he said as they sat down in a corner booth that gave them a little privacy.
"You do fine on your own," she smiled at him. It was fun to go out to lunch, and she was surprised to realize that she hadn"t done it since before the baby was born. With Andy gone, she had nothing to do except take care of Reed, and it was nice to be out in the world again like a grown-up. She loved Reed, but she had no one to talk to. Her childhood friends were all in Boston, and she had lost track of most of them during her years with Joe. Her pa.s.sion for him and the time she"d spent helping him set up his business had isolated her from everyone she"d ever known. And in the time since, she"d gotten wrapped up in Andy"s life and their baby. She hadn"t had the time or desire to make new friends.
She and Joe talked about a thousand things at lunch, about his company, his designs, his problems, his latest airplane. And then they spent an hour talking about his airline. He was involved in a mult.i.tude of exciting projects. It was a far cry from her own life. She was leading a quiet, happy little life with her husband and her baby.
"Are you going to get a job now, Kate?" he asked her. He had been a perfect gentleman all through lunch, and she was surprised to find how comfortable she was with him.
"I don"t think so. I want to be home with the baby." But she had thought of it. Andy really didn"t want her to, and for the moment she had agreed not to. She had enjoyed her job at the Metropolitan, but she had no burning desire for a career.
"He"s a cute kid, but it must be pretty boring," Joe said honestly, and she laughed.
"It is, sometimes. But it"s fun too."
"I"m glad you"re happy, Kate," he said as he searched her face, and she nodded. She didn"t want to talk about that with him. It opened too many doors to the past, and she didn"t think they should talk about Andy, it seemed disrespectful to her. She knew he wouldn"t have liked her having lunch with Joe, but she had felt it was something she had to do to prove something to herself. And it had been harmless. All they had done really was talk about aviation. It was still his favorite subject, and she knew a fair amount about it, or used to. He had always valued her advice, and he had loved it when she worked in the business with him in the beginning. It was why she understood so much of what he was doing. But the business had grown exponentially since then. And she knew nothing about his airline, except what she read in the papers.
They got in his car when they left the restaurant, and she was enormously impressed when she saw his office building. It was an entire skysc.r.a.per filled with the people he employed, both for his design company and his airline.
"My G.o.d, Joe, who would have thought it would have grown into all this?" In five years, he had built an empire.
"It"s kind of amazing when you think I started out as a kid hanging around an airstrip. That"s what this country"s about, Kate. I"m very grateful." He sounded humble, which touched her a lot.
"You should be grateful." She whistled when she saw his office, on the top floor, overlooking all of New York. It really was like flying. It was wood-paneled, and there were handsome English antiques around the room, and paintings that she recognized. He had some very important art, and extraordinary taste. He was a remarkable man, and well on his way to becoming one of the richest men in the world. But, she reminded herself, she could have shared all of this with him on his terms-no marriage, no children. But no matter what he had accomplished, or acquired, it still wasn"t a life she would have wanted, no matter how much she loved him. Even more so perhaps because she did. She preferred what she had with Andy, and their baby. For Kate, it had never been about money. It had been about love and commitment and kids, which was what she had now. But not with Joe. She had made her peace with the idea that she couldn"t have everything she wanted a long time since.
She walked into the conference room with him, and he introduced her to several people, including his secretary, who had been with him right from the beginning and was thrilled to see Kate again. Her name was Hazel and she was a very sweet woman.
"I"m so happy to see you! Joe says you just had a baby. You sure don"t look it!" Kate thanked her, and they went back to sit in Joe"s office for a few minutes. But she had to get back to Reed soon. She had told the sitter she would be back at three-thirty and it was nearly that now. And she needed to nurse him soon.
"Thank you for having lunch with me," he said as she began to make noises about leaving.
"I think I wanted to prove to myself, as much as to you, that we can be friends." It had been a formidable challenge. But she had met it well.
"And, did I pa.s.s the test? Can we?" He looked innocent and hopeful, and she smiled.
"You didn"t need to pa.s.s the test, Joe," she said honestly, "I did."
"I think we pa.s.sed with flying colors." He seemed pleased.
"I hope so," she said, looking prettier than ever beneath the big straw hat. Her eyes looked to him like they were dancing. Everything about her had always fascinated him. She was so full of life, and so young and so pretty. She had been everything he wanted in a woman. But she wanted more from him than he could give her, or any woman. She had wanted too much.
She stood up then and kissed his cheek, and he closed his eyes as he smelled her perfume. For an instant, it was painfully familiar, just as the feel of his skin was to her and the way he held her. There were a lot of things, maybe too many things, that they both remembered. The memories were under their skin and in their hearts and their bones.
"Let"s have lunch again," he said as he took her downstairs to put her in the car. He was sending her back uptown with his driver.
"I"d like that," she said softly.
He closed the door of the limousine for her, and she waved as they drove away. He stood watching his car for a long moment, and then went back upstairs and sat down at his desk, and frantically began drawing airplanes.
It was a week later, on a hot night, when she sat in the air conditioning, watching television. The baby was asleep when the phone rang. It was Joe, and she was surprised to hear him. She had been relieved by how well their lunch went, and she was proud of herself about it. It had been bittersweet, and kind of fun, but not agonizing. And afterward, she had been happy to get home to her baby and a letter from Andy. Joe was entirely a thing of the past now.
"What are you up to?" he asked, sounding relaxed. He was at home, doing nothing, and he"d been thinking about her.
"I"m watching TV," she said, still surprised to hear him.
"Do you want to go out for a hamburger? I"m bored," he confessed and she laughed.
"I"d love to, but I don"t have a sitter."
"Bring the baby."
She laughed at the suggestion. "I can"t, Joe. He"s sleeping. And if I wake him up, he"ll cry for hours. Believe me, you wouldn"t enjoy it."
"You"re right. I wouldn"t. Have you eaten?"
"More or less. I ate some ice cream this afternoon. I"m not really hungry. It"s too hot."
"What if I bring a hamburger over to you?" he suggested as an option.
"Here?"
"Well, yes. Where else would I take it?"
It was an odd suggestion. It seemed strange to have him come to the apartment she shared with her husband, but on the other hand, they were both alone with nothing to do, and they were friends now. She could do this. She had proven it the week before.
"Are you sure you want to do that?" she asked him.
"Why not? We both have to eat." It sounded reasonable, and finally she agreed. He knew the address, and he said he"d be there in thirty minutes.
He was there in fifteen, with two big oozing cheeseburgers in a white paper bag, just the way they both liked them. She hadn"t had one like that in years, and as they dripped and dropped ketchup all over the place, and licked their fingers, they laughed at each other as they sat at the kitchen table.
"You"re a mess," he said, as he watched her. And she giggled, and sounded seventeen again.
"I know. I love it." She handed him a stack of paper napkins, and eventually they both cleaned up the mess. And she offered him ice cream from her freezer. It was just like the old days, when he was staying at her parents" house in Boston, and afterward in New Jersey. She had missed that, although she had fun with Andy. Joe was like a giant bird who swooped down, and then settled in for a while, and after that took flight again and disappeared. But she had enjoyed seeing him again. She had forgotten what good company he was, and how much they liked each other. He loved her stories, and she made him laugh at silly things. She was good for him. She always had been. He had been good for her too, once upon a time, but she had worked hard to forget that. It had taken years.
After they ate, they watched TV. She was wearing sandals, and he kicked off his shoes, and she teased him when she saw there were holes in his socks.
"You"re too successful to wear socks like that," she scolded him.
"I don"t have anyone to buy me new ones," he said, trying to make her feel sorry for him, but she didn"t.
"You like it that way, remember? Have Hazel do it." But his secretary had other things to do, so he never got them. He just wore the socks with holes.
"I don"t like it that way. I just don"t want to get married so I can have decent socks. That"s a high price to pay for socks without holes in them," he said, as they sat on the couch and the TV chattered in the background.
"Is it, why?"
"I don"t know. You know me. I"m afraid to be tied down. I"m afraid I"m going to miss something, or someone will take too much from me. Not money. But me. A part of me I don"t want to give them." He had always been afraid of that. It was the real reason he hadn"t married her. But he wasn"t afraid of her now. For some reason even he couldn"t fathom, he finally trusted her. It had taken a long, long time.
"No one can take what you won"t give them," Kate said calmly.
"They can try. I guess I"m scared I"ll lose me in the process." He nearly had with her. She had taken a big piece of him with her, but he suspected she didn"t know that. And he wished now that he could reclaim it, and her.
"You"re too big to lose, Joe," she said honestly. "I don"t think you have any idea how big you are. You"re enormous." He was the biggest man she had ever known. He had an enormous spirit and a brilliant mind.
"I always think I"m invisible, or want to be," Joe confessed, sounding like a boy.
"I don"t think anyone sees themselves as they really are. In your case, you have a lot to be proud of," she said generously. It was odd sitting there with him. If anyone had told her a month before that would happen, she wouldn"t have believed them, but she was enjoying his company, and they were friends again. There was great comfort in it. For both of them.
"There"s a lot I"m not proud of, Kate," he confessed, looking boyish again, and it touched her heart. There was a side of him she had always loved, and knew she always would, and another side of him she had very nearly hated, the side that had hurt her so badly when she left. "I"m not proud of the way I treated you," he continued, and she was surprised to hear it. "I was rotten to you before you left. I was working you too hard, using you, I wasn"t thinking about you, just about myself. But you scared the h.e.l.l out of me. You loved me so d.a.m.n much, and it made me feel so inadequate and so guilty. So trapped, I guess. I just wanted to run away and hide. You were right to leave, Kate. It d.a.m.n near killed me when you did, but I don"t blame you. That"s why I never called, as much as I wanted to. You were right to go. There was nothing in it for you. I couldn"t give you what you needed. I didn"t understand how lucky I was. It took me a long time to calm down and figure that out." And by then she"d been long gone.
"It"s nice of you to say that," she said generously, "but it never would have worked anyway. I realize that now."
"Why not?" He frowned, nothing woke Joe up more than a challenge.
"Because this is what I wanted," she said with a wave around the apartment and in the direction of the baby. "A husband, a baby, a regular life. You need a lot more than that in your life, you need power and success and excitement and airplanes, and you"re willing to sacrifice everything for it, even people. I"m not. This is what I wanted."
"We could have had this, and more, if you"d waited."
"Not from what you said then."
"It was the wrong time for me, Kate. I was starting a business. That was all I could think of." It was true, but she knew that his aversion to marriage and kids and responsibility ran deeper than he was admitting. She had seen it. She knew him better than he knew himself. He had been too terrified to let her in.
"And now?" she asked skeptically. "Are you dying for a wife and a bunch of kids?" She smiled at him. "I don"t think so. I think you were right, you"d hate it." She was convinced of it now.
"It depends on who the wife is. But no, I"m not looking. I found the right woman a long time ago, and I was foolish enough to lose her." It was a nice thing to say, but it made Kate uncomfortable. There was no point talking about that now, and she didn"t want to. But he didn"t want to let it drop yet. "I mean that, Kate. I was an incredible fool, and I want you to know that."
"Oh, I knew it," she laughed at him, "I just didn"t think you did." And then she grew more serious. "I appreciate knowing how you feel about it, Joe. Things happen the way they"re meant to."
"That"s bulls.h.i.t," he said bluntly. "They happen a certain way because we screw things up, or we"re scared, or we"re stupid, or just plain blind sometimes. It takes a lot of brains and courage to do things right, Kate, and not everyone has that. Sometimes it takes time to figure it out, and then it"s too late. But you have to fix it if you can. You can"t just sit back and leave things screwed up, and say that was how they were meant to be. Only fools do that." And they both knew he was no fool.
"You can"t change some things," she said quietly. She understood what he was saying, but she wasn"t sure she liked it. There was no point rehashing the past.
"You didn"t give me enough time," he said, looking deep into her eyes that were the same color as his own. They were like mirrors of each other. They were so alike in some ways, and so diametrically different in others. And it was all so perfect when it worked.
"I waited two years, after I left you, to get married," she said sternly. "You had all the opportunity in the world to change your mind and come get me. And you didn"t."
"I was mad. I was scared. I was busy. I hadn"t figured it out yet. But I have now," he said pointedly, and she felt her heart do a somersault when she saw the look in his eyes. He wanted what they had had before, but now it belonged to someone else. That was hard for Joe. He always wanted what he couldn"t have. "Look, Kate, I get it. I have a great life, I"ve built a solid business, but none of it means as much to me without you."
"Joe, don"t let"s talk about this. There"s no point."
"Yes, there is, Kate," he said, looking at her. "I love you." And before she could say another word, he kissed her, and then put his arms around her as they sat on the couch. She felt as though she were drifting into another world with him, floating through s.p.a.ce, as her heart soared, and a moment later she fell to earth as she pulled away.
"Joe, you have to go."
"I won"t until you talk to me about it. Do you still love me?" He had to know.
"I love my husband," she said, looking away from him so he couldn"t see her eyes.
"That"s not what I asked you," he persisted, and finally she looked into his eyes. "I asked you if you still love me."
"I have always loved you," she said honestly. "But it"s not right. And it"s impossible now. I"m married to someone else." She looked agonized as she talked to him. She hadn"t wanted this to happen. She had convinced herself they could be friends.
"How can you love me and be married to Andy?" Joe said, looking profoundly upset.
"Because I didn"t think you loved me, you didn"t want to get married..." She had gone over it a hundred times. A thousand. A million. And it was too late. "So you married the first guy who came along?" "That"s a rotten thing to say. I waited two years." "Well, it took me longer to figure it out." He sounded like a child, but no matter what the words were, it didn"t matter. What mattered was what she had felt when he kissed her, what she saw in his eyes when he looked at her, and felt in her heart. She was still in love with him and knew she always would be. Kate felt like she had been condemned to a life sentence, there was nothing she could do about it now.
"I can"t do this to Andy," she said simply. "He"s my husband. We have a child." She stood up with an unhappy expression. "It doesn"t matter anymore what happened, what we did or said or why. We did it, we said it. I left, and you wanted me to go. If you didn"t, you"d have stopped me, you"d have asked me to come back. That was all I wanted for two long years, for you to want me back. You were too busy playing with your airplanes to give a d.a.m.n. And too scared to risk being swallowed up. And the truth is, I still love you. I always will. But it"s too late for us, Joe. I"m married to someone else. I have to respect that, even if you don"t." She looked at him miserably then, and stood up. "You have to go. I can"t do this to myself, or to him. He doesn"t deserve this, and neither do I."