They talked about a lot of things. Nothing was sacred now to either of them. He had even brought up her "attempted suicide" one day. It had haunted him ever since Andy had told him about it two years before. And Joe told her how sorry he was. Kate had looked blank as she listened to him.
"What are you talking about?" She looked mystified by what he had just said.
"It"s all right, Kate. I know," Joe said quietly. But he didn"t tell her how. He had never told her that Andy had come to see him that day. He didn"t think she needed to know.
"You know what?" Kate asked, still sounding confused, and Joe thought she was being coy.
"That you tried to kill yourself, after we broke up years ago." He had nearly forgiven himself for it, but not quite. He was still trying to make it up to her. He had felt guilty about it for the past two years.
"Are you nuts? I was out of my mind over you, but I wasn"t totally insane. What on earth made you think I tried to kill myself?" The way she looked at him suddenly made him pause.
"Are you telling me you never tried to commit suicide, Kate?" She wasn"t sure if he was angry or relieved, and neither was he.
"That"s exactly what I"m telling you. That"s the most disgusting thing I ever heard. How could you even think I would do something like that? I love you, Joe. But I"ve never been out of my mind. That"s a terrible thing to do," as she knew only too well. But there was a thunderous look on Joe"s face as he looked pointedly at her.
"Did you ever see a psychiatrist?"
"No," she looked startled. "Do you think I should?"
"That sonofab.i.t.c.h!" he said, exploding out of the chair where he"d been sitting, and suddenly pacing around the room in what looked to Kate like a rage.
"What are you talking about?" He was making no sense to her, but it all made perfect sense to him now.
"I"m talking about that rotten little b.a.s.t.a.r.d you were married to. I don"t even know how to tell you what he did, or what a fool I was." He felt even guiltier now for believing him. But he understood perfectly what Andy had done, and why. He had played right into every one of Joe"s old fears. And Joe felt sick thinking about how he had taken the bait and the line. It had cost them both another two years of wasted time.
"Are you saying that Andy told you I tried to kill myself?" She stared at Joe in disbelief. "And you believed him?" She looked amazed as well as hurt.
"I think we were all a little crazy then. It was right after you told him you wanted a divorce, and he was refusing to let you go. You came to the office to tell me he wouldn"t agree to the divorce, and the next day, he showed up. And I hate to admit it to you, but he played me like a harp. He told me how desperate and insecure you were, and how unstable, that you"d tried to kill yourself when we broke up before, and he got me so panicked that I was afraid I"d drive you to it again if I ever did anything wrong or hurt you again. He told me you were seeing a psychiatrist several times a week, and I started to think that if you felt abandoned at any point, you might do it again. I wasn"t willing to take the risk." And he had also been terrified of everything Andy had described to him, including her terrors of being left, and wanting more kids.
"Why didn"t you ask me?" Kate stared at him in utter astonishment at everything he"d just said.
"I didn"t want to upset you more than you were, and push you over the edge. But I see what he did now, that b.a.s.t.a.r.d. He played me perfectly. He knew how guilty I"d feel thinking you had tried to kill yourself over me once before, and how panicked I"d be that you might do it again." She could see it all now too, and it made her hate Andy more than she ever had before. He had used everything she"d ever said to him to manipulate Joe. It had been an incredibly cruel thing to do, although she knew Andy had been fighting for his life then, and trying to preserve their family. But it was Andy who had driven Joe away. It was something she knew she"d never forgive him for. He had nearly cost her her happiness with Joe. It was a miracle that they had found each other again. "He made it sound so real, all of it. I was too upset myself at that point to question it, or be suspicious of him. What he was describing was something I knew I couldn"t take on. I felt guilty for months after that, just thinking about it."
"How could he do a thing like that?" And then as she thought about it, she realized that there was more that he must have said, which might have given added credibility to the lies he told. It was the one thing she had never told Joe, and she wondered now if he knew. She sat very still as she looked up at him, and all she could see was the love in his eyes. "Did he tell you about my father too?" She hated talking about it, and never had before. But there was nothing she couldn"t say to Joe. She knew she was safe with him.
"Clarke told me about that before I asked you to marry me in Cape Cod. He thought I should know," Joe said gently as he took her hand in his own, and pulled her close to him. "I"m sorry, Kate. That must have been awful for you."
"It was," she said, with tears in her eyes. "I remember that day so perfectly.... I remember everything about it.... The funny thing is I don"t remember much about him. I should, but I just don"t. I was eight when he died, but he pulled away from everyone two years before that." She looked sad as she spoke of it. It had been the greatest trauma in her life, other than losing Joe. "It must have been so awful for my mother too, but she never talks about him. Sometimes I wish she would. There"s so little I know about him, except that Clarke says he was a nice man."
"I"m sure he was." He could see in her eyes how painful it still was for her. It was the root and core of all her fears, fears of loss and grief and abandonment. Unwittingly, her father had caused her so much pain. But she was happy and at peace with Joe. She had found a safe harbor at last.
"I"m glad you know," she said quietly. It was the only secret she had ever kept from him.
And that night, when they went to bed, they talked about Andy"s betrayal of them both again. It was horrifying to Kate, worse yet to think that Joe had believed what he"d said, and in using Joe"s guilts and frailties so brilliantly, Andy had succeeded in driving him away. They both agreed that it had been despicable of him, but an ingenious plan. Kate hadn"t thought him capable of anything so devious, and it told her a great deal about him. She wanted to take some time to think about it, but she knew she would confront him about it one day. In the end, even after having used every ruse he could, he had lost her anyway. In spite of that, in the end, she had found her way back to Joe, and she was grateful for the kindness of the fates every day.
During the spring, Joe started spending more time in California. He needed a bigger base for his airline out there. By summer, he was spending half the month in L.A., and he wanted her with him. She took both children and the sitter, and they lived at the Beverly Hills Hotel. She enjoyed it a lot at first, she went shopping, played with the kids, and hung out at the pool watching movie stars come and go. Joe was constantly at the office, and came back to the hotel after midnight most nights and left again at six the next day. He was trying to spread his operation into the Pacific, and he wanted to establish new routes where they had never been before. It was an enormous undertaking, establishing numerous bases overseas, and planning all the logistics for an airline emerging as one of the most important in the world.
By September he was spending a lot of time in Hong Kong and j.a.pan. They both agreed it was too far for her to go, and she hated leaving the kids for weeks on end. And it didn"t make sense for her to sit in a hotel and wait for him in L.A. So she spent her time waiting for him in New York. He called her every night, no matter where he was, and filled her in on what he was doing. And from what she could see, he was doing a million things at once. Running New York, reaching out in the Orient, designing planes, running an airline, and doing test flights himself whenever he could. Understandably, he was crazed, and even when he called Kate, he sounded tense. In spite of competent people in all the various arms of his organization, he acted like he was a one-man band. And he complained constantly that he didn"t have enough time to fly his planes. Or see his wife.
When he came back in early October, he hadn"t been home in four weeks, and Kate pointed out that she never saw him anymore.
"What am I supposed to do, Kate? I can"t be in fourteen places at once." He had been in Tokyo for two weeks, making deals and setting up routes, Hong Kong for a week, battling with the British, and L.A. for five days. And one of his best test pilots had crashed just before he left, for no apparent reason, in a plane Joe had previously cleared himself. He had gone to Reno for the night, to inspect the wreckage and see his widow, and by the time he got back to New York, he was half dead.
"Why can"t you try to run things from here?" Kate said sensibly. But it was more complicated than that.
"How can I do that?" he asked in exasperation, his temper was short these days. He was always tired, always running, always on a plane to somewhere. And Kate was bored at home, and felt more anxious when he was away. His lengthy absences were beginning to wear on her. She knew Joe loved her, but she was lonely when he was gone. "How the h.e.l.l do you expect me to sit in an office here, when I have employees halfway around the world? Why don"t you do something to keep busy? Do Red Cross work again or something. Play with the kids." He was too tired to deal with it, and most of the time brushed her off. And when he was traveling, he was irritable and his temper was short. But from Kate"s perspective, she was thirty years old, had a husband she was crazy about, and spent most of her time alone.
She went to dinner parties without him, spent weekends with the children, went to sleep alone at night, and had to explain to people who wanted to see them that her husband wouldn"t be there. All of New York wanted to invite them, the Allbrights were much in demand, he had become the most important man in aviation in eight short years, and he was only forty-two years old. He had achieved what he had totally on his own, and he was not only admired for his skill as a pilot, but for his genius in business. Everything Joe touched turned to gold. But the money he was making didn"t keep Kate warm at night. She missed Joe, more than she had in a long time. And for her, his absences stirred up old ghosts. But Joe was too busy to see the signs. All he observed was that she complained about his absences the moment he got home, which made him withdraw, and in turn made Kate even worse. She needed him, and he was hard to find.
"Why don"t you come with me? You"d love it," he suggested to her. She hadn"t been to Tokyo in years, since she"d gone with her parents as a young girl. And Joe had taken her to Hong Kong. "You can go shopping or go to museums or temples or something," he said, trying to come up with a compromise that would work for both of them. But they both knew that even if she went, she wouldn"t see much of him. He worked constantly while he was away, just as he did at home.
"I can"t leave the kids for weeks at a time, Joe. They"re one and three years old."
"Bring them," he said curtly.
"To Tokyo?" she asked in horror.
"They have kids in j.a.pan, Kate. I swear. I saw one once. Trust me." But she thought it was too far for them to go. And what if they got sick while they were there? She couldn"t talk to the doctor, and what point was there in all of them sitting in a hotel room waiting to see Joe? It made more sense for them to wait for him at home.
He was in Europe for Thanksgiving, and she went to her parents" with the kids. He called from London and spoke to Clarke and Liz. Her father wanted to know all about what he was doing. And her mother made a comment about it to Kate that night, which unnerved her more than she wanted to admit.
"Is he ever home, ever home, Kate?" Even now, her mother didn"t approve of him. She had always suspected that he broke up Kate"s marriage to Andy, and she blamed him for it, more than Kate. She thought it had been a terrible thing to do. And even though he had married her, he was never around. Kate?" Even now, her mother didn"t approve of him. She had always suspected that he broke up Kate"s marriage to Andy, and she blamed him for it, more than Kate. She thought it had been a terrible thing to do. And even though he had married her, he was never around.
"He"s not home much, Mom. But he"s building something amazing. In a year or two, it"ll settle down." Kate was, in fact, sure it would.
"How do you know? In the old days, it was his planes. Now it"s his business, and his planes. When does he get to you?" In hours and days between trips, Kate thought silently, when he was too tired to even talk to her, or too exhausted to sleep, so he"d go to the office at four A.M. By Thanksgiving, they hadn"t made love in two months, he was just too tired to even think about it in the few days he was at home. He wanted to, he wanted all of it, to be with her, to have sensual nights and lazy mornings, but there was no time anymore. He had a thousand forces pulling at him. "You"d better take a good look at what you"ve got, Kate. You"ve got a guy who"s never going to be there for you, no matter what. He can"t. And what do you think he"s really doing on those trips, Kate? He"s got to have a woman sometime, he"s a man." The very idea of it cut through Kate like a knife, and she always told herself it wasn"t true. She had thought about it herself, but rejected the idea. Joe wasn"t that kind of man, he never had been. He was driven by his pa.s.sion for flying and obsessed by his work. He was building a fortune and an empire, which was as addictive for Joe as a drug. She was almost certain that in the year they"d been married, he had never cheated on her. And she would never have done it to him.
But the rest of what her mother said hit its mark. He was never around. Whatever the reasons, however good, he wasn"t there. And when he got home, there were papers and problems, and threats from the unions. He was on the phone to California and Europe and Tokyo and the White House, or Charles Lindbergh. It was always someone or something that ate his time and seemed more important than Kate. She had to stand in line with everyone else, and most of the time, she got last place. That was just the way it worked. And if she wanted a life with him, which she did without question, it was what she"d get. He couldn"t slice off more pieces of himself than he already had, and he expected her to understand. And most of the time she did. She loved him, and admired his success. She was happy for him. It was exciting, and he was amazing. But sometimes it hurt anyway. She was lonelier for him than he understood. And although she tried to reason with herself, at times she felt abandoned when he was gone.
She tried to explain it to him calmly one afternoon when he was home. It was the week after Thanksgiving, and he was watching football on TV. He had come home early that morning, and hadn"t slept at all the night before. And he was just staring at the television set, drinking a beer and relaxing. It was a rare treat for him.
"Christ, Kate, don"t start on that again. I just got home. I know I"ve been gone for three weeks, and I missed Thanksgiving with your parents, but the Brits were about to cancel my routes." He looked beat. And he was in desperate need of some time to relax, without pressure from her.
"Can"t someone else negotiate with them once in a while?" He was becoming an egomaniac, he had to do it all himself. But he had built the business, and the truth was he did it better than anyone else. When he went in and handled things, they turned out right. That was just the way it was. He didn"t want to risk having someone else destroy what he"d built.
"Kate, this is who I am. If you want someone to sit at your feet all the time, get another dog." He slammed his beer down on the table, and it spilled all over the floor. Kate made no move to clean it up, as he glared at her. She was on the verge of tears. She wanted him to understand what she was saying to him, but he didn"t want to hear.
"Joe, can"t you understand? I want to be with you. I love you. I get it. I know what you have to do. But this is hard for me." Harder than he understood. But the more she tried to reach out to him, the more he pulled away. She was making him feel guilty again. His nemesis. The one thing he couldn"t stand, from her, or anyone else.
"Why? Why can"t you just accept the fact that I"m doing something important with my life? I"m not just doing it for me, I"m doing it for you. I love what I"m building. The world needs it." He was right, but she needed him too. "I don"t want to come home to you bugging me all the time. It"s not fair. At least enjoy it when I"m here."
In his own way, he was begging her not to reproach him. It hurt too much. But she couldn"t understand that, any more than he could understand how abandoned she felt. The vicious cycle of their early years had begun again.
There was no arguing with him, no way to balance what he was accomplishing in business, and the pressures on him, with what she wanted from him. One of them had to back down, and Kate knew it had to be her. It was just a fact of their life, but it was killing her, particularly when she thought he was withdrawing from her. That only panicked her more.
In December, he was there even less. He had gone back to Hong Kong to meet with bankers there, and they were giving him a tough time. And she knew he still had to stop in California on the way home. There were problems at the plant, and the engine for one of his latest designs had failed. There had been yet another death, and he took the blame. He was sure that this time, it was an error of design. But he had sworn to her that, no matter what happened, he would be home on Christmas Eve. And she was counting on him. He had promised that, come h.e.l.l or high water, he would be home that day. He had even told her that he would skip the trip to California, if he had to, and go back after the holidays. The last thing she"d heard was that he"d be home on Christmas Eve.
The phone rang in the morning while she was decorating the tree with Reed. He was squealing with excitement, and she was humming to herself when the phone rang. She had talked to Hazel, Joe"s secretary, after breakfast, and she hadn"t had confirmation, but she was sure Joe was on the flight back. He had told her it was what he planned to do, when she spoke to him the day before. And he had said as much to Kate.
She answered the phone, and it was Joe. She could hear immediately that it was long distance. The operator put through the call, and she could hardly hear him. He was shouting into the phone.
"What? Where are you?" She shouted back.
"I"m still in j.a.pan." She could hardly hear his voice, but her heart sank at the words.
"Why?"
"I missed my flight." There was static and interference on the line, but she could hear him a little more clearly as she tried not to cry. "Meetings... had to go to more meetings... very difficult situation here...." There were tears in her eyes and she knew she had to say something, but there was a long pause. "I"m sorry, baby... be home in a few days.... Kate?... Kate?... Are you there? Can you hear me?"
"I can hear you," she said, as she wiped her eyes. "I miss you.... When are you coming back?"
"Maybe two days." Which probably meant three or four or five. It was always longer than he said, through no fault of his. He was trying to do too much.
"I"ll see you when you get back," she said, trying not to sound upset. She knew how much he hated that. And at this distance, there was no point arguing about it. It wouldn"t change anything. She didn"t want to badger him, or drive him even further away. She wanted so much to be a good wife to Joe, whatever that entailed.
"Merry Christmas... kiss the kids...." His voice was fading out.
"I love you!" she shouted back into the phone, hoping he could hear her. "Merry Christmas!... I love you, Joe!" But he was gone. They had lost the line. And as Reed watched her standing next to the Christmas tree, she sat in her chair and cried.
"Don"t be sad, Mommy." He came and got on her lap and she held him. She wasn"t angry, she was bitterly disappointed. She knew it probably wasn"t his fault, but it was painful anyway. He wouldn"t be there for Christmas, and then she forced herself to remember what it had been like when he"d been shot down. She thought he was dead. Now at least she knew he was coming back. She set Reed back on his feet, and went to blow her nose. There was nothing she could do about it. They"d just have to make the best of it, and celebrate Christmas with him when he came home. She was determined not to let him know how upset she was.
Christmas was quiet without Joe. She and the children opened their presents. Her parents had sent her hers, and there were a few from friends. She suspected correctly that Joe probably hadn"t had time to shop. But it didn"t matter anyway. All she wanted was him.
Andy came to pick Reed up on Christmas Day and take him to his place for a few hours, and he looked serious when he appeared at the door. She had just heard he was getting married, and she was happy for him. She hoped that this time he made the right choice. She hadn"t been for him. And even if things weren"t easy with Joe, she thought it was better being married to someone you really loved, problems and all.
"h.e.l.lo, Kate," Andy said, standing in the doorway awkwardly. They had been civil to each other since the divorce, but never close. And Kate had finally confronted him about his lies to Joe about her, and he had apologized and admitted that it had been a rotten thing to do. He was deeply embarra.s.sed about it, and had been for a long time.
Kate knew he still visited her parents, whenever he was in Boston, but she didn"t mind. He was her children"s father after all, and her parents had always liked him. And they felt sorry for him after the divorce. Her mother was the one who"d told her Andy was getting married. He had been seeing the girl for a year, which seemed reasonable to Kate.
"Merry Christmas," Kate said, and invited him to come in, but he hesitated, and she added politely, "It"s okay. Joe"s not here. He"s away."
"On Christmas?" He looked shocked, as he stepped into the front hall of the apartment that had been Joe"s before he married Kate. "I"m sorry, Kate. That must be hard for you."
"It"s not great, but he couldn"t help it. He got stuck in j.a.pan." She tried to make it sound more tolerable than it was.
"He"s a busy man," he said, as Reed appeared and gave a whoop, and Stephanie toddled behind him, but she was going to stay home with her mom.
"I hear you"re getting married," she said when Reed went to get his coat. She didn"t know if Andy had told him yet, the child hadn"t said anything.
"Not till June. I"m taking my time." They both smiled, he didn"t want to say "So I don"t make another mistake," but Kate knew that was on his mind, and should have been.
"I hope you"ll be happy. You deserve it," she said as Reed reappeared with coat and cap and mittens on, and took his father"s hand.
"So do you. Merry Christmas, Kate," he said as they left. He was bringing Reed back at eight o"clock. And she and Stephanie went to play in her room.
It had been a lonely holiday for Kate. She tried to call Joe at his hotel, but she couldn"t get through. And he probably had the same problem, or was stuck in meetings, because he didn"t call her. And all she could do was tell herself that it didn"t matter. They"d have Christmas together next year. Sometimes things worked out that way, and she knew she had to be grown up about it. But she almost cried when her parents called, and then a.s.sured them she was fine.
She didn"t hear from Joe for another two days. He called to tell her he was leaving Tokyo the next day, and stopping in L.A. on the way home.
"I thought you said you"d go later," she said, trying not to whine. But he was always changing plans, and disappointing her. And her tone of voice conveyed to him how she felt about it, even when her words did not.
"I can"t. I have to go now. The unions are acting up. Besides, it"s not right, Kate. There"s a widow out there who lost her husband because of one of my planes. I think I at least owe it to her to stop and make a condolence call. That"s the least I can do." Kate didn"t disagree with him, he always had good reasons, but she had to fight herself not to scream "What about me?" She always seemed to be the last priority on his list, and yet she understood how much he had to do. But he had just missed Christmas with her, and she wanted him to come home.
"When are you coming home?" she asked in a tired voice.
"I"ll be home for New Year"s Eve." Maybe. If nothing else happened to stall him in L.A. She was no longer counting on him. They were scheduled to go out for dinner and dancing that night with friends, and she"d been looking forward to it. But if he didn"t come home in time, she"d stay home with the kids. She didn"t want to be a fifth wheel on New Year"s Eve.
As it turned out, he flew back on December 31, and it started to snow in New York before he left L.A. The weather was almost totally socked in by the time he got to New York, and their arrival was delayed. He walked into the apartment at nine o"clock that night, looking beyond exhausted. He had flown the company plane himself. He didn"t trust anyone else to bring him in in one piece in conditions like that. Kate was waiting for him, she had already taken off her dress, and was in bed with a book. She didn"t even hear him come in, and suddenly he was standing in the room, looking at her sheepishly. But the look in his eyes instantly melted her heart. Joe was irresistible to her, and always had been.
"Do I still live here, Kate?" He knew the last few weeks had been rough on her.
"Could be," she said, grinning at him, as he came to sit down next to her. "You look pretty good."
"I"m so sorry, baby. I screwed up all your holidays. I really wanted to get home. I"m sorry I"m such a jerk. Do you want to go out?" She had a better idea, as she got up and closed the door to their bedroom. He had taken off his jacket and was loosening his tie, as she walked over to him, and started unb.u.t.toning his shirt. "Should I get dressed?" He was willing to do anything she wanted, to make up to her for the time he"d missed.
"Nope," she said, unzipping his pants for him, and he grinned.
"This looks serious," he said, as he kissed her.
"It is... it"s the price you have to pay for standing me up for Christmas." She was teasing him and laughing as she kissed him, and despite how tired he was, she managed to instantly arouse him.
"If you"d told me about this, I"d have come home a lot sooner," he whispered as he slipped into bed with her.
"It"s here anytime you want it, Joe," she said as she kissed him in all the places he loved best, and he moaned softly.
"Next time, remind me...," he said, as they abandoned themselves to each other. It was the perfect New Year"s Eve.
20.
BY THE TIME KATE and Joe had been married a year, at the beginning of 1954, they had settled into a routine of his being away much of the time, and she was at home with the children. She started doing some charity work to keep occupied while he was gone. And Joe found another project for her that spring. He wanted to buy a house in California. He was spending so much time there these days, it made sense to him, and he thought that decorating it would keep Kate busy and amused. and Joe had been married a year, at the beginning of 1954, they had settled into a routine of his being away much of the time, and she was at home with the children. She started doing some charity work to keep occupied while he was gone. And Joe found another project for her that spring. He wanted to buy a house in California. He was spending so much time there these days, it made sense to him, and he thought that decorating it would keep Kate busy and amused.
They found a beautiful old mansion in Bel Air, hired a decorator, and as soon as Kate got busy on it, Joe started spending more time in Europe. He was establishing new routes to Italy and Spain, and when he wasn"t in Rome or Madrid, he was in Paris or London. He still had to go to L.A. every month at least, but he was no longer spending as much time in Asia. And it was beginning to seem to Kate that wherever she was, he was on the opposite side of the world somewhere. No matter what they did, she was hardly ever with him.
She met him in London once or twice, joined him in Madrid and Rome, and they spent a fabulous week in Paris. But whenever she went, she felt guilty about leaving the children. His life was a constant rat race, traveling on planes, and hers was an eternal relay race between Joe and her children. She was always feeling guilty about not being with one, when she was with the other. But at least she was enjoying decorating the house in California. It had become a joke with them, whenever she went out to work on it, he flew to Europe. And when he was in L.A., she was in New York with the kids.
The house was finally ready for them in September, and Joe loved it. It was comfortable and warm, and elegant, a home away from home for him whenever he was in California. And he told everyone what a great job Kate had done on it. He even encouraged her to do some decorating for friends in her spare time, but she didn"t want to be tied to any projects. She wanted to be free to join him on his trips whenever she was able. He was gone so much that she wanted to do whatever she could to keep their marriage intact.
He was home for most of October that year, which was rare for him. But for once he had no fires to put out anywhere, things were calm, and he had a number of important meetings in New York and New Jersey. Kate loved having him at home every night, although she hated to admit to herself that she could see Joe was getting restless. He was flying a lot on weekends, and one Sunday, they even flew up to Boston to visit her parents. And on the way back he let her take the controls for a while, which was fun for her.
They were on their way home and he was back at the controls again when she broached a subject to him that she had wanted to discuss with him for a long time. Usually, he wasn"t home long enough to warrant bringing up sensitive topics, but he was in such a good mood, and so happy with the plane he was flying, that Kate decided to brave it. She wanted another baby. His.
"Now?" He looked horrified.