Chapter 39 - Melting
From time to time a thought crosses my mind, that anything and everything might be a lie.
Familiar faces of my family, manga and games that are supposed to be exciting, people from school, whose names and faces I can"t remember, everything is in truth just fragments of a dream… And if I wake up, I will return not to my false self, but to a true someone. Sometimes I think like that.
Probably, it happens because the less you can distinguish living itself from a dream, the more it becomes inevitably vague.
Still, isn"t everyone like that?
After all, the only thing most of us do is going down the same road day after day.
Studying and working, it"s not like they differ much.
Therefore, the more you go through similar days, the more the boundary of the visible scenery becomes unclear. And as you somehow kill time, a real feeling is floating somewhere…
It"s fine if it is not me playing the popular game.
Strangely, it"s fine if it is not me doing my best at studying.
And it"s not like it"s absolutely necessary for it to be me who unsteadily walks the same road wearing the same uniform together with everyone.
It"s fine if I"m not me.
I can even be replaced with someone else.
But most likely, any person is like that.
If you live without any reason, just because you are alive, it naturally becomes boring.
And that is not good nor bad.
Anybody is a n.o.body. I was a n.o.body as well.
Just like that, I was supposed to do my best, comply and live, but…
"… Chu…"
That single moment. No, was it actually a longer time?
That was, for sure, a kiss.
Although I still suspect that it is a lie, even after three days have pa.s.sed.
And yet even now, that feeling is stuck deep inside my body and is not getting out. When I touch my lips like this, I end up remembering. Her soft, pleasant lips…
Even so, it"s a lie. I"m sure of it.
Yeah, that day, I was too carried away as well.
I was not myself but a completely different person. It is absolutely so.
Just holding hands is already crazy, but linking arms, clinging to each other with her in a swimsuit… Aah, it"s no good. I"m about to writhe from remembering just a little.
Her being too cute, being happy from getting along, getting carried away because I"m the boyfriend, and that is why I became proactive to that extent… like I thought. It was a different person for sure.
…However, there is a reason I cannot evade matters regarding that day.
"Chu… Jun…"
Tachibana… No, Karen.
Throughout the day, so close to me, she has been calling me by my name - Jun.
Without a doubt, at that moment, I was next to her. There was no one else.
And not just anyone else, I had to be me. If you get called by your name so many times, you cannot replace yourself with someone else.
– Even so, there"s no way it can be true…!
Ichijou Jun, has kissed.
Ichijou Jun, has kissed with Tachibana Karen.
Ichijou Jun…… was wanted.
In any case, it"s impossible.
Clearly, I"m not worthy of her.
I was always a friendless nerd. An unsociable male student who doesn"t look towards anyone. As I became completely cold, fun things and happy things, apart from things that would let me continue to be me, if that sounds better,… I gave up everything, and yet.
Kiss, what is it? What is a better way to interpret it?
Kiss, isn"t it something that you do with that kind of partner…?
When it ended, she made an apologetic face. She quietly apologized. After that, she ran back. I could only stand still without saying anything.
Being worried like this is the first time for me.
I became thoroughly effeminate. I hate myself being like this.
I"d rather quit being Ichijou Jun right now and switch places with someone else.
– Aniki… Can it be, that he was rejected…?
– Keyaki-chan, shh! Uh… Still, it"s a pity. Oh, Jun-kun, and he was even looking at his phone so much, right
– … Yeah, I"ll leave him alone for now…… Somehow, I feel sorry…
– For the time being, that is for the best…
Family"s voices could be heard from nearby the closed door.
… Rejected? Me?
No really, maybe, that is actually true. As a matter of fact, calls from her, which were coming every day without fail, completely stopped after we parted on that day.
…… Does she hate me now?
Even though we were so close and whispered each other"s names? Even though I was kissed?
No… That kiss, who was the one that initiated it in the first place?
Turmoil inside my chest made the small memory messy and I can hardly remember anything.
Like this, I can"t be confident in the memories of what happened three days ago. I wonder if I"m conveniently rewriting them to save myself from stress.
… Could it be, that I have lost control and went for a kiss?
Hmm, it does seem possible. Being accepted by such a cute girl I got carried away… that is surely so. Even if it is Tachibana, there"s no way she would"ve kissed me. It was just me doing something foolish.
But in that case, at that time, what did she think of it?
Was it, after all, unpleasant?
Well then, it is natural that I"m hated… Everything is my fault…
Turmoil intensifies as time pa.s.ses, screws in my head are melting from high temperature…
I… might be broken already. Even though I had so much fun that day… Now I don"t feel like doing anything. I"m not even sure about my own memories.
I surely ought to make a call.
However, if I heard Karen"s voice right now, I wouldn"t be able to stay sane. I don"t feel like being faced with her. When I think that I might be hated already, I might be killed even by a short message. Smartphone that was so annoying is nowadays completely silent.
Anyway, one week pa.s.sed since I have retired from my position as a one-day boyfriend, days resembling a gaping hole went on.
– Hey, Aniki, you messed up again
– Hmm… That"s because recently, I haven"t really touched the controller
– Yeah, yeah, excuses, excuses. You have much free time during summer holidays, so I can keep company with you for some practice juuust a little bit?
– … I won"t lose the next one
– Ha, keep saying that♪ Well then, one more!
I went along with my family who tried to bring me back to normal everyday life without resisting.
This kind of "Just like always" pampers the depressed me.
– Hey, hey, Jun-kun, how about this! Helping to arrange the festival or overseas volunteering? Events that happen only during summer, there are surprisingly lots of them!
– Hahaha, I will absolutely not work for free. Well, it"s a different matter if I am to be aunt"s a.s.sistant
– Come on, you"re so pa.s.sive. Of course, it"s alright to be carefree since it"s holiday. Time flies when you do nothing, so just give it a thought… okay? If it is about money, I"ll figure something out.
– Yeah, yeah, if it is just giving it a thought…
Just what were summer holidays for me?
It was always about pile of old complete sets of manga or light novels, sound of booting up the console, eyes tired from the blue light. And that is waking up late, taking a nap at the same time, I was also staying up late night after night. It has been so for a long time. Summer holidays means staying inside the house by default.
Summer holiday of playing by the sea with Tachibana and everyone.
Summer holiday of watching fireworks alone with Tachibana.
I wonder if such a wonderful future was possible? When I think like that, I feel pain in my chest.
I finally realized. Being together with Tachibana was incredibly fun.
That a time would come, when I would hold how I was teased day after day dear.
I want my cheek to be poked again.
I want to let her play with the sullen faced virgin nerd until she"s satisfied.
I don"t want to make her apologize anymore.
All that she wants, I want to give it.
I want to hear her voice. I want touch her once again. I want to see up close how she is laughing.
I want her to call me by my name again.
I want to be together every day.
That is why I reached out towards the smartphone with my hand, but… my fingers always stop right before it.
Like that, for nearly half of the summer holidays, I have been struggling alone inside a cage.