"What? Where are .you going?"
"How can I say? My plans are no more firm than yours."
"Plans? I didn"t know you had any. I mean-"
"All my life, Bran Tregare, I have had plans. But only in the past two years have I had the scope to implement them."
Fully clothed, he met her in a brief kiss and made his foot- 15.clattering way downstairs and out of her hearing. And to herself Rissa thought,We will be a time, he and I, learning the limits of each other-and how to loosen them.
AFTER she heard the aircar leave, she dressed for outdoors, took a snackbag from the kitchen and set out walking. She started slowly, but as her muscles limbered she turned uphill and lengthened her pace; soon she was sweating freely, panting against the tape that restricted her breathing. She stopped at a minor summit and turned to look down at the Lodge, and past it. The valley below fell into blue distances before it reached its lighter- colored floor, flecked with yellows.
Breeze cooled her; she found a sunlit, sheltered clearing and sat to eat the lunch she had brought. Now she was thirsty but had no water; she had drunk from streams by hand and the nearest was farther downhill than she wished to backtrack. Remembering a year at the Welfare Center when water had been available only twice a day, she shrugged.
Lunch finished, she followed a narrow ridge that first dipped and then rose to join the next-higher hill. After a time of strolling, to let blood concentrate for digestion, again she walked fast and hard, swinging arms for balance and flexing her torso as she climbed, pushing herself nearer her current limits.
Underbrush hid the stream; had she not kicked a pebble and heard the splash, she would have missed it. The cool water, tasting of moss and mineral, pleased her. She drank sparingly, rose, and continued the climb.
When she stopped she pushed sweat-soaked hair back from her forehead and looked first up to the next summit, then back to the lessening height of the sun. She was disappointed-to reach the Lodge before dark, she would have to turn back now and make speed.
She did so-and even hastening enjoyed the changing view.
INSIDE the Lodge and walking toward the staircase, she met Liesel. "Well, Rissa-you look as if you had a good work-out."
16."I did, thank you. Even with Healing yet to come, I feel more like myself again."
"Good. Listen, now-I"m having some fat wallets here to dine-Council members.
Hawkman and Sparline won"t be here-or Bran, of course. What I"m saying is, the company will bore you spitless. So if you want to eat in your room, or the kitchen-" She grinned. "Besides, these are your new peers-as well they don"t see you first with an eye like sunset through dust clouds."
"Make up your mind, Liesel-is it my feelings or theirs you wish to spare?" She smiled.
"No matter-if necessary, I would concentrate on learning strangers and being agreeable, but I am in no mood for it."
"Well enough. Shall I order dinner sent to your room?"
"No, I will do it-but thank you." She touched Liesel"s shoulder in pa.s.sing and went to the kitchen; inside she saw no one she knew by name. She approached the cook in charge and asked for a light meal to be brought to her room. "On a tray that will fasten to the side of the bathtub, please."
The man smiled and nodded. "Yes, that"s a pleasant way to eat. You"ve been hiking, I see-the gra.s.s stains, I mean. I don"t get out enough anymore."
He turned back to his work. She went upstairs and ran the tub full, waiting in a robe until her food arrived. Then in the steaming water she sat munching slowly on the tidbits and staples, then sipping wine, while she thought.
Thought became daydream, then almost trance; she came alert to find her hand rubbing her for pleasure"s sake. She stopped, then thought-why not continue?-and did so. Afterward she dried herself and drained the tub and got into bed. She lay there, thinking how she had told Tregare he must free himself from his past-and that if ever she hoped to love fully, even so must she free herself from hers.
Using the methods she had learned at Erika"s, she breathed deeply and set her mind to remember, from the beginning. First the girl who tried to satisfy her as she satisfied herself-Rissa could not recall name or face, only her voice and touch. Then Gerard"s impersonal usage-she could recapture her discomfort and indifference, the disgust she sometimes felt-none of it seemed important enough to cripple her re- 17.sponses. She moved ahead to Erika"s, and those who had taught her many fashions of s.e.xual performance but little of how to involve her own feelings.. Here her impressions were pleasurable but lacked intensity. Then Tregare, on Inconnu, where s.e.x had been most often a joyless contest. And Ernol -she felt a brief glow, but she remembered her failure, and it died. A future with Bran Tregare? The thought brought only fleeting sensations; she could not hold them.
Stalemated, she shook her head and put attention to the present moment-she was panting, and sour perspiration soaked the bedclothing. All right-she knew that was a good sign, but she was exhausted and frustrated. No point in bathing again this night-she dried herself on an already-used towel and got back into bed on Bran"s side, where the sheets were dry. Before sleep came, she thought-well, if she had not found the answer, at least she had cleared a s.p.a.ce that might hold it.
Her first doze ended with a start, as something in her mind said that for her there was no answer. She pushed that something, vague and unseen, into a compartment and closed it.
Then she slept.
THE next days she divided between exercise and rest, and studying the business papers Liesel selected for her-deeds and contracts, development plans, articles of establishment- the lot. Liesel did not report on the meeting with Council members, and Rissa did not ask.
Occasionally Tregare called and twice she called him, but the talk was of how-are-you, I"m-fine and I"11-call you-tomorrow-as though, she felt, two recordings conversed. Most meals she ate alone, for she knew she was not good company.
Bruises faded, cuts healed; her teeth solidified their roots again. And one day she pulled the tape from her ribs and could breathe freely.
That afternoon brought a cloudless sky. Satiated with details of business on Number One, she set the papers aside and put on walking shoes. Outside, she found the sun hotter than she had expected, and chose to stroll rather than hike.
She pa.s.sed the gate to the clearing where she and Ernol had 18.practiced combat. It was ajar; turning back on whim, she entered and followed the winding path. Ahead she heard a brief cry. She emerged to see two naked persons thrashing on the ground. For a moment her mind insisted she saw combat. Then the man rolled to one side and the woman rose to straddle him, and she realized they were coupling. Quickly she dodged through the bushes and back onto the path-reaching the gate, she paused and closed it. She walked farther up the hill until she found a dry, sunlit place to sit. There she thought of what she had seen.
She hoped she had not been seen in return. For in this place she did not know the implications of it-the man had been Er-nol, and the woman Sparline.
AFTER a time she resumed her walk. As nearly as she could, she kept a level course along the hillside, seeking a pond she had glimpsed from her window but had not seen at close range. But she did not find it; her route led her into an area of thicker underbrush. Eventually she gave up fighting it and turned back toward the Lodge, taking an alternate path that avoided the gate she had found open and left closed.
She went to her room by way of a side entrance and the rear stairway. She opened her door and stopped; Sparline sat waiting, upright in a straight chair, hands folded in her lap. The tall woman said, "Why not come in and close the door?" Rissa did so and sat facing her, within touching range. "I guess Ernol forgot to shut the gate."
"Apparently. I hoped you had not seen me."
"Rissa! It"s all right-nothing shaken."
"Then why are you here?"
Sparline laughed. "Partly I"m just happy and need to talk about it. And partly to be sure you know how things are."
"And how are they?"
" Will you get that grim look off your face? Well, I"ve taken Ernol to me as lover, obviously. He"s not the first, I should hope-there"s no problem about that. I mean, what he does in bed doesn"t affect his career." Her lips moved as if to spit. "One man, once, thought differently-but we can"t afford that sort of intrigue. It"s no fun, having to rid yourself of someone. . ."
19."What happened to him?""
A shrug. "He had trouble finding work at first-everyone"s leery of a reject. But he found a place-he is capable. Last I heard, he was doing well enough."
"Then what else is it that I should know?"
"Something you mustn"t tell Liesel. Rissa-I think I want to marry Ernol!"
Rissa thought. "Is there, here, some reason you should not?"
"Only if Liesel says not. But at this point, she well might. Ernol hasn"t proven himself yet- except to me, of course. Oh, he is a lovely romp.". Well, more than that, of course-or I wouldn"t consider marriage."
"He proved enough to me-twice-against Blaise Tendal. I have looked for him, to give him my thanks, but-"
"Oh, Hawkman"s been giving him a quick tour of the properties. Liesel did say she was promoting him-remember?"
"Yes. And-his hand is healed?"
"Good as new, nearly." Sparline paused. "You understand why marriage is so deadly serious with us? It"s inheritance-in some ways we"re feudal as h.e.l.l."
She leaned forward. "It"d be safe enough, far as genes are concerned, if I had a Hulzein one-parent child. But we have the techniques without the technicians, so Liesel said we"d bet- ter do it the regular way this generation. And she"s dead set on choosing for me, or at least having veto power."
"I see." Rissa nodded. "You need time for Ernol to build stature with Liesel before giving hint of your intentions."
"That"s right-but I had to talk with someone!You understand?"
Rissa did not-she was experienced in keeping her own counsel-but she said, "Of course. And in any way I can, I will help."
"I was sure you would-well, almost sure." Sparline stood, gripped Rissa"s shoulder a moment, then went to the door. Opening it, she paused and said, "I bet we looked pretty funny, didn"t we?" Grinning, she closed the door before Rissa could find answer.
ITwas time, Rissa decided, to come out of her uncommuni- 20.cative sh.e.l.l. She joined Liesel and Sparline for dinner; at the end of it, Hawkman entered.
"I"ve eaten," he said, but sat for coffee and a liqueur. No one commented on Rissa"s bout of seclusion; the conversation touched many subjects, some personal and some business. More than not, Rissa enjoyed it, and afterward found pleasure in the card game, though after an initial spurt of winning she barely broke even.
"Out of practice," said Hawkman.
"Perhaps." She did not feel up to joking and left it at that.
His long arm reached; he touched her wrist. "Are you all right?"
Feeling wonder at what she did, she took his hand in both of hers and held it to her face.
Against her will, sobs broke forth and would not stop. When the first paroxysm ebbed, she raised her head and shook it, tears streaming, then pressed her face again to his hand as the sobbing racked her. Finally she was done with it and looked up, blinking.
"Rissa, girl-what"s wrong?" It was Liesel who spoke.
"It"s-all right now," said Rissa. "I did not know what was weighing on me these past days.
But now I dp, and it is finished."
Hawkman broke in. "What was it, then?"
"You will not laugh?"
"Laugh?Of course not!"
"All right, then-it was that I had not yet grieved for dal Nardo."
"You what?"
"Dal Nardo?"
"Grieved for him?"
"My father once said that those who kill and do not grieve for killing will rot and die of it.
I was very young; although the words stayed in my mind, I did not know what he meant. Now I do."
"But-" Sparline sounded incredulous. "Dal Nardo? I mean, he-"
As though not hearing, Rissa said, "Once before, only, I killed-the policeb.i.t.c.h, the Committee"s bloodhound at Hokkaido. But there I had no warning and no choice; she would have taken me back to Welfare. So I did what I did-and never saw her face behind the mask. But still, briefly, I felt a pang."
21.She looked at each of them; none spoke. "But dal Nardo-I did see him-good or bad, he was real. And I did have a choice-I could have changed ident.i.ties, or run off- planet. But instead I chose to challenge and to kill.""
She saw raised eyebrows and shook her head. "It has nothing to do with what he was or his intent toward me. I chose his death, so I must bear its weight. Perhaps of Blaise Tendal"s also, to some extent. And until now I had not done so." She tried to laugh, but failed. "None of you understand? Then I suppose you think me deranged."
Liesel said, "No, child, you"re sane enough-maybe too sane for your own good. No- my thought is, d.a.m.ned few people can be trusted with power. I think you may be one of them."
Sparline: "I"ve always avoided killing; maybe now I see why."
And Hawkman, his hand still gripped between Rissa"s, said, "I wish I"d known your father. He sounds like a man who knew a lot of truth."
For a moment, Rissa had to clench her teeth-she would not cry again. She squeezed Hawkman"s hand and released it; involuntarily she sighed. "Well, then, thank you for hearing me out. I had not intended to parade my feelings-for that I apologize. I-"
Lips pursed, Liesel made a rude sound. "Stop it! You don"t have to put your armor back together this late at night. Either let me pour you a nightcap-I"m having one-or trundle off."
Rissa stared. "I-I will have the nightcap, thank you."
"That"s better. All around?" Liesel poured for each and raised her gla.s.s. "Here"s to people who try to know what they"re doing!"
The four touched gla.s.ses; Rissa drained hers in one gulp. Setting it down, she said, "I know what / am doing, this minute-I am going to bed."
Upstairs she lay awake awhile, thinking, testing her feelings. Yes, now she was free of it. Her thoughts turned to her problem with Tregare, but before she could form it clearly, fatigue struck. She sighed and relaxed and let sleep come.
NEXTmorning, seeking Ernol, she snacked in the kitchen. He 22.did not appear, but she learned where he was working-a room on the Lodge"s main corridor. She found the door slightly ajar but rapped on it anyway.
"Come in!" She entered; Ernol rose behind his desk. "Good morning. How do you like my office?" He moved another chair near the desk; both sat. "I"m learning so much so fast-I just hope I don"t forget half of it."
"You will manage, and I am glad for you. Ernol, I have had no chance to thank you for-for catching the knife. But I do thank you-though not now in the way I had intended."
"You had?" He grinned, then sobered. "Yes-as things are-well, I"ll take word for deed and glad to have it."
He paused, watching her. She said, "Yesterday-I am sorry I interrupted you, but the gate was not closed."
He laughed. "Oh, you didn"t interrupt-just startled us. If you"d stayed, we"d have stopped, of course, out of courtesy."
"I hoped you had not seen me, either of you. But Sparline rea.s.sured me that I did not offend."
"What else-if it"s all right to say-did she tell you?"
He is putting me in the middle-I must not allow that. "We talked of . . . several things.
Perhaps you should ask more specifically."
His hands clenched together. "It"s the business of marriage. Being lovers-maybe she told you-doesn"t affect my work, with the others here. But if we marry-she wants to and peace knows I"ll do whatever she wants-it"ll be said I did it for status. I"d be caught up in house- politics. Well, I wouldn"t like that but I could put up with it-for me. But-you see-it"s insult to her, too." He freed his hands from each other and spread them wide.
"Yes, Ernol-I see that."
"The truth is, if she weren"t the woman she is, I wouldn"t marry her for all the status on this world." Hands now flat on the desk, he leaned forward. "You believe that?"