"Okay but if it ever gets out of hand, you will tell me right? You have no idea what people are capable of."
I wondered if that was supposed to mean something to me. Also, I had to wonder for just a moment whether Thorne was speaking about himself, telling me in a subtle way that I should be careful. Well, he had nothing to worry about.
"I will, thank you," I said. "But there"s nothing to worry about."
He didn"t look convinced. "One of my friends," Thorne said. "She was like a sister to me. She used to be in a difficult relationship. The guy started giving her trouble when they separated. I just felt maybe you might be in trouble too."
Why was he trying to explain this?
"I"m sorry about your friend," I said.
"Nothing to be sorry about," he said. "She married this amazing guy last year. They have a baby on the way. She"s never been happier. She always said the divorce was the best thing to happen to her."
"That"s c.r.a.p," I said, realizing too late what I had just done. But the words spilled from my mouth, I wasn"t thinking. They just freaking spilled!
So now I felt even more awkward than before.
"What?" he said, incredulous.
But since I had already started this thing, there was nothing to do but try and explain what I was going to say. "I just mean...there"s nothing good about a divorce or a separation. It breaks your heart. You"re hurt that the other person would choose someone else or some other dream, over you. It"s always going through your mind, the fact that they did nothing to protect you or your feelings. That they acted so selfishly and didn"t care for one second what it did to you. So yes, you might find someone else and you might move on, and you might actually be happy, but really, you"re just still going to have to go through this...this period of torture, where you don"t even know what you"re doing because you always had life planned out some other way, you know?"
I said and stopped, wondering if I went too far but Thorne looked like he was smiling just a little. "You"re right," he said. "About all of it. There"s really nothing that can nullify that, and you certainly can"t try to fill the hole created by them with someone else."
Now that this had become some kind of conversation, I didn"t hesitate to add more. "But you can hope that someone or something will come," I said. "Something that creates a place inside your heart that is much deeper and stronger than that hole. It"s the only way to get closure. Finding something else or someone else you can lose yourself in."
"I hadn"t thought about it that way."
I tried to smile. "Well now you have."
"Are you a writer or something?"
"Or something," I said.
He was really grinning now. "I"m glad we had this chat," he said.
Was that a way to ask me to leave because we have gone past our meeting/small-talk time? I had to a.s.sume that"s what it was.
"I should probably leave now," I said. "I have some work to finish before I go."
"Sure," he said. "Don"t let me keep you."
I had almost gone out the door when I decided I needed to add something. "Thanks," I said and left before he could say anything else. I wished I could tell him how I felt, that it was nice, knowing that someone cared enough to ask me how I was doing. That I could get help if I needed. And somehow, after the talk with Thorne, I was no longer distracted.
THORNE.
I was distracted.
I had been distracted for some time but that talk played with my head even more. It was like every time I talked to her, every moment we spent together was full of some kind of electricity, and I felt it every time she was sharing a s.p.a.ce with me. Didn"t matter what I might have been thinking about, or what was worrying me, seeing her changed everything. It was almost as though before her, I had very little to look forward to and someone like me should have things to look forward to, right? So why was I feeling that way? As though despite the fact that we weren"t even together, everything had already changed and I felt like a different person?
I just wished I had met her before that jerk entered her life.
He wasn"t bad looking but the vibe he gave out was of a dangerous person. But it was obvious Elena didn"t think so. Perhaps I should take up the restraining order conversation some other time.
For all I know, she might want to get back with him.
The thought was uncomfortable, but I couldn"t help thinking perhaps she still felt something for him. It was not some feeling I got from her, just the fact that I"ve known people who broke up with their partners because they did s.h.i.tty things, and then went back regardless of what other people told them they should do. If that was her, I wished her nothing but the best. It was her life, she had every right to make the decisions that she thought were right for her.
The fact that the mere thought of it made me want to punch someone in the face, was besides the point.
ELENA.
Nick"s texts changed their tone. In fact there hadn"t been many texts, just those incessant calls and then, a few minutes ago, that ominous-sounding text. I couldn"t tell if it was a threat, but it sure sounded like it. It didn"t say much, just enough to make me cringe.
You can"t trust people Elena.He was changing tactics.
I didn"t have the slightest clue what that was supposed to mean so I decided I would drown everything in wine for the time being while I was sitting alone in our apartment. I needed to get away. I needed to forget that this text existed, that Nick existed, and for once in my life, Penny came in at the right moment. She was never one to miss a weekend fun night, ever. It was like a ritual to her. But ever since Nick, ever since the whole separation bit in fact, I had been a little uneasy about fun. I wondered constantly if I was ready and kept feeling like I wasn"t. So, every week Penny would go out and I would sit there in that apartment, trying to write or watch TV or read, drinking the same wine and eating junk, trying not to think about Nick and failing.
I didn"t know what I was even afraid of. Nick had never actually hurt anyone. He never even raised a hand on me. He might have been a jerk but he was a jerk with principles. I knew he was just angry. At times I thought it might be easier just to talk to him, wasn"t that all he wanted? When all else failed, I started praying for him to meet some rebound bimbo so I could get relief. Nick wasn"t quite as persistent as he pretended to be. If he was I wouldn"t have all these complaints now, would I?
Before I could wallow more, Penny dragged me off the couch and pushed me to the bedroom, told me to change so we could hang out at the club where she was meeting her friends. For some reason, I decided to go. I didn"t really care where we were going, so long as we were getting out of the apartment and somewhere I could stop thinking so much.
The club was relatively new but the ambiance was wonderful. Penny"s friends turned out to be a nice group to hang out with, and even though I don"t know where she knows them from, and they"ve never met me before we hit it off. It was the first time in ages that I had actually had fun and not been worried I was doing something wrong. Then Penny had to leave me and though she didn"t tell me where she was going, I knew what she was up to. I knew the second she started flirting with a guy sitting on the booth next to ours. The others had to dance and I was in no mood for that, so I went to the bar to get myself another Cosmo when someone touched my shoulder.
"Can I buy you a drink?" I heard him saying and for the first time in ages I was happy to hear that voice. I put on a smile before I turned to face him.
Thorne.
Just when I"d forgotten about him, he turned up someplace, out of nowhere. Apparently, that was what he liked to do. I searched for any friends he might be with, but he seemed like he was alone.
"Hi," I said, still smiling.
"Hey," he said in that dreamy voice of his. "Well, can I?"
"Can you what?"
"Buy you that drink?"
I couldn"t for the life of me remember one more instance in my life where I had grinned so much. "Sure," I said.
Thorne smiled.
"For a minute I thought you were going to refuse," he said, looking straight into my eyes.
"For a minute I thought I was going to."
He laughed. "Wow, you really do speak your mind."
I was a little high from all the booze I"ve managed to get inside me that whole evening so I felt tipsy. But it was fun being that way. It made his presence a lot more exciting. Even after he got the drinks and we were headed towards the booth, after he sat down right next to me, he was still watching me.
Why does he do that?
Look at me that way?
It"s annoying.
I think.
"Everything okay at work?" he asked.
"You bought me a drink so I could discuss work with you?"
His gaze shifted towards his gla.s.s.
I couldn"t believe what I was seeing-Thorne Ryker has a shy side. Un-believable.
"No," he said. "But I don"t want to scare you off again."
"Thorne, we work together. Somehow we end up at the same places, like right now, by sheer coincidence. You basically saved me from an embarra.s.sing situation with my ex the other day, and offered to help in any way possible. Just now, you bought me a drink. I don"t see why we can"t be friends."
"So, this isn"t awkward?"
"We pa.s.sed awkward like twenty-six miles back."
He laughed, or did something close to it because it seemed Thorne was back to being too quiet for actual laughter. "I"m glad you feel that way," he said and he had that big smile on his face now. "But it"s not like I was trying to be nice to you on purpose you know. It just happened."
When I finished the drink, Thorne ordered me another one. "If you"re going to keep doing that I should warn you," I said. "I plan on drinking a lot tonight."
And that was when I felt his gaze on me again. It had surrounded me; felt like it wasn"t just coming from his eyes but from deep within him, all his heart was into that look. "Hope you can hold your liquor," he said this as if it was some kind of challenge.
I downed the drink and we got more. The smile never left Thorne"s face, and it really started to get to me to be honest, watching him that way, casual and relaxed and just being himself. He was not putting on a show like he normally does, I could see that now. I didn"t know if the show was just a force of habit or he was aware of what he does.
When I heard a song come on from a band that I loved, we even did some dancing. When I was too tired to do anything, I started looking for Penny but there was no sign of her. She wasn"t even picking up my calls. So that left me basically all alone with Thorne.
"What"s wrong?" he must have sensed my worry.
"I can"t seem to reach Penny," I said, placing my cell phone back in my purse.
"Maybe she wants to be alone."
"I would appreciate hearing that from her."
"Is it like her to disappear like this?"
"Oh yeah," I said. "Totally."
"So then, it"s nothing to worry about?"
"I suppose."
"Elena," he said. "Can we talk freely?"
"About what?"
"Will you tell me what"s bothering you?"
"Apart from Penny disappearing into thin air, nothing."
"That"s not true."
For some reason that made me stare at him. "Thorne-"
"The whole emo-drinking routine," Thorne interrupted me. "What"re you trying to forget?"
"Nothing," I said. "Nothing much, I mean. A threatening, dramatic ex-fiance, f.u.c.ked up life. The usual.
"I don"t suppose I can be of any help?"
"You already are."
"Really?"
I nodded. "I mean it Thorne," I said. "I kind of needed that."
"I haven"t done anything."
"There"s no need to be modest Thorne," I say. "That"s why you"re here, isn"t it?"
The expression on his face changed. "What do you mean?"
"You weren"t here all alone just waiting for me were you?" I said. "I know you probably ditched some lucky blonde...or are you into brunettes? You probably saw me and felt pity. Well, you know what I appreciate that. I do. But I"m fine now, really. You don"t have to babysit me."