It took her just a moment to realize that her "precious burden" was the baby, who even now was pressing hard against the distended wall of her stomach. Well, she didn"t need Bappy to tell her that she shouldn"t be inhaling bug-killer when you never could tell what might cross the placenta. And she didn"t want her older kids to be breathing it straight into their lungs, either.
She called Jenny, who really sounded delighted about having sudden all-day company, and when Bappy pulled into the driveway in his pickup truck and started pulling what looked like scuba gear out of the back, DeAnne gave him the spare housekey, shouldered an extra-heavy diaper bag, and led the kids off on the walk to the Cowpers" house.
DeAnne had driven Stevie to school this morning, but, knowing that Step would be late enough getting up that he"d need the car to get to work, she told Stevie to take the schoolbus home. He would have no idea that the house was being fumigated. It was only eleven o"clock, so maybe they"d be back in the house before the schoolbus dropped Stevie off-but maybe not. She"d have to make a point of being there to meet him. She hated the idea of any of her children ever, even once, coming home to an empty house.
Life in Jenny Cowper"s house was hard for DeAnne, at first. Chaos bothered her, the children running every which way, yelling at each other or coming in at odd intervals to scream out a report of some disaster to Jenny, who, likely as not, said, "Thanks for telling me, dear," and then did nothing. At first DeAnne was horrified at how lackadaisical Jenny was about her children"s safety. And when DeAnne saw Jenny"s five-year-old sitting on top of the crossbar of the swing set in the back yard, riding it like a pony, she could not restrain herself. "Jenny, you"ve got to do something."
Jenny looked up at her and smiled. "Like what, staple his feet to the ground? The first time he climbed up there I nearly had a heart attack, but the fact is that he"s a good climber and he never falls. I"ve watched him, and he"s careful. So I figure, he"s going to climb, and better if he does it where I can see him, where he can show off to me, instead of doing it when I"m not watching. Now that"s dangerous. So we have a deal-he can climb up there, but only when I"m watching."
"Forgive me, Jenny," said DeAnne, "but you"re not watching. You"re talking to me."
Jenny laughed. "OK, then, I"m listening. If there"s a scream, I know I need to do something."
"There"ve been fifty screams already"
"I know, but they weren"t the kind of scream you worry about. And half of them were you, anyway, DeAnne."
"Did I scream?"
"This little high-pitched scream, yes. I know you think I"m the worst kind of mother, and I"ll tell you, I used to be like you. After my kids all the time. Hovering over them."
"Do I hover?"
"Don"t you?" asked Jenny.
"I want them safe," she said. "If something happened to them..."
"But things will happen to them. You think just because you"re watching them, stopping them from having any fun, they won"t still break their arms or split their lips? And what are you going to do when your Elizabeth starts dating, make it so she never gets a broken heart? G.o.d gave our children life, and it"s not our place to take it away from them just because we"re afraid. That"s what I think."
It sounded so sensible, so wise. And yet, and yet. "What about this missing child?" DeAnne said, pointing to the newspaper.
"Isn"t that awful?" said Jenny. "And there was that other one I told you about not six months ago. I tell you, you see those faces on the milk cartons, and you think, there"s some mother out there, and one day she looked for her little boy and called his name and he didn"t answer, and she went out and called and called, and he didn"t answer, and then all of a sudden it comes into her heart that he never will, he"ll never answer her again, and oh, DeAnne, doesn"t it tear your heart out?"
"Yes," said DeAnne. "He was just walking over to his friend"s house, three doors away, and he never got there."
"And that mother"s going to blame herself, DeAnne, I know she is," said Jenny. "She"s going to say, if only I had watched him. Walked out in the front yard and watched him till he went in the front door of that house."
"Yes," said DeAnne. "Yes, and she"s right!"
"No she isn"t," said Jenny. "Because inside that house there could have been a gun with bullets in it, and so what should she have done about that, stood over him the whole time he was playing? Forbid him ever to go to a friend"s house? Lock him in his room? Do you think that the boy wouldn"t have known that his mother was watching? That she didn"t trust him to get from his house to a friend"s house three doors away?"
"But he couldn"t!"
"This time he couldn"t," said Jenny. "But maybe he"s already done it a hundred times. Like when your kids learn to walk, you don"t hold their hand anymore, they get to a point where you just let go of their hand and they walk by themselves. Do you think that means they never fall down again?"
"Turning up missing isn"t quite the same thing as falling down."
"Do you think I don"t know that? Do you think I don"t know that one moment of carelessness and my Aaron could be lying there under the swing set with a broken neck? Dead or paralyzed for the rest of his life? Do you think I don"t have a stab of fear go through my heart when I see him up there?"
"Then why do you let him?"
"Why does G.o.d let us live on this earth?" asked Jenny. "Why doesn"t he come down and watch every move we make and keep us from ever, ever, ever doing anything wrong? Because we can"t grow up if somebody"s doing that. We can"t become anything. We"d be puppets."
DeAnne didn"t know how to answer. Anguish was twisting her inside. Partly it was the newspaper story about the mother of that little lost boy. Partly it was the strain of not being in her own home, of having her kids playing with these wild h.e.l.lions that Jenny was raising so free. Partly it was what Stevie had gone through at school for weeks and weeks, without DeAnne having any idea. It was Dolores LeSueur taking him aside and sowing the seeds of some terrible life-sucking weed in his mind, and by the time DeAnne knew about it, the seeds had already taken root, and there was nothing she could do except hope that Stevie"s native goodness and common sense would help him get rid of those thoughts on his own.
"I just can"t stop watching out for them," said DeAnne, "even though I know that I can"t protect them from everything. I know that. I know that they"re out of my protection for so much of the time. Stevie at school, and when I"m out of the room even. Anything could happen. But I can still do something, I can still try."
"For what it"s worth, DeAnne, I actually do step in and stop my kids from doing really dangerous stuff," said Jenny. "It"s just my, um, my threshold isn"t as low as yours is."
"Jenny, I"m not talking about you now," said DeAnne. "I"m talking about me. Because I know you"re right, and I"m just-I don"t want to overprotect my children and turn them into frightened little hamsters in the corner of a box. But I can do something. I can maybe save "them sometimes, can"t I? It"s like my neighbor across the street in Orem. There was this guy with a pickup truck who used to roar down the street, going too fast, and she just hated it, and her husband even spoke to him about it but he just laughed and told him to drop dead. So one evening, it"s dusk, you know, when it"s dark enough that you can"t really see anymore but you still can, sort of, and she realizes, I"ve let the children play too late, I"ve got to get them all into the house, and she goes outside and she"s calling out for them and then she hears that truck turn the corner and gun the motor and there"s the headlights coming down the street and then she hears the sound of her son"s Hot Wheels on the asphalt of the street. Not on the sidewalk, on the asphalt, and she thinks, he"s in the street, he"s going to die, and sure enough, there"s her son tooling across the road, his legs churning, and there"s the truck, and she knows the truck will never see the boy in time to stop, and her son is twenty yards to her right, much to far for her to run to him in time, and the truck is coming from the left, and he"ll never hear her shouting at him, not with that engine, and so without even thinking about it she just steps into the road in front of the truck. Just steps into the road."
"Good heavens," said Jenny.
"And the truck guy saw her and he slammed on his brakes and it turned out that he really could stop in time, but then she was a full-sized person, who knows whether he would have seen her little boy? And he gets out of his truck just yelling and cussing at her, you know, what kind of idiot are you, and she just stood there crying and crying until finally the guy sees the little kid pull up to his mom on his Hot Wheels, right there in the middle of the road, and the guy realizes that he never saw the little kid until right that minute, and he says, "My G.o.d," and they didn"t have any trouble with him speeding down that road anymore."
"I don"t know if I could have done that," said Jenny. "I would have stood there on the curb and screamed or something. I don"t know if I could have just ... stepped into the road."
"She didn"t know either, till she did it," said DeAnne.
"Well of course you save your kid from a speeding car," said Jenny. "Even a lousy mother like me would try to do that! But what she did-I mean, that"s beyond love, that"s all the way into crazy. What if the truck couldn"t stop? What does that do to the little boy, seeing his mother killed right in front of his eyes? And he grows up without his mom."
"He grows up knowing that his mom gave her life to save his. That"s got to help."
"Or he feels guilty all his life because he feels like it"s his fault she died. DeAnne, I"m not saying she was wrong-I mean, she was right because it all worked out. But even saving his life, she might also do harm. Anything can do harm, anything might work. Well, not anything, but you know what I mean. Maybe you"re right to be so protective, and maybe I"m right to run a looser ship. Maybe maybe maybe."
"So no matter what we do, we"re probably wrong."
"No, DeAnne, don"t think of it that way. Think of it that no matter what we do, as long as we"re trying to do our very best for our kids, it will work out. Maybe they"ll get hurt. Maybe they"ll grow up so mad at us that they don"t speak to us for twenty years. Maybe they"ll get killed-that"s part of life. It"s the worst thing in the world, to lose a child. At least I can"t think of anything worse. But it happens. And when the child dies, G.o.d takes him into his home the same way that he takes old people who die. I mean, even if his life was short, it was life, and was it good? Was he happy? Did he have a chance to taste it, to choose things for himself, to-"
"I know," said DeAnne. Despite her loathing for herself when she was weak enough to cry in front of someone else, her tears started flowing. Just thinking of children dying, and the mother whose son was lost today, and her friend in Orem who knew, knew, that she would give her life for her child. And Stevie. "I"m sorry. It"s just ... what we"ve been going through for the past while with Stevie ... ever since we moved here. I"ve just felt so helpless. And now things are going to be OK with him, because Step went to school and took care of it, I mean things are going to be fine now, if he can just get rid of these imaginary friends. So why am I crying now? Why do I just feel shaky and cold and-"
Jenny slid her chair over next to DeAnne"s and put her arms around her and DeAnne cried into her shoulder. "You can"t stop bad things from happening," said Jenny softly. "That"s why you"re crying. You think I didn"t ever have a day like this? Days like this? And then I came out of it and I realized that I can only do what"s possible, and I stopped expecting myself to make life perfect for my kids, perfectly happy, perfectly safe. They cry sometimes, they hurt sometimes, and it still tears me up inside, but I can only do what I can do, and that"s what you"ve got to realize too, DeAnne. I saw that the day I met you, that you just expect too much of yourself, and so you"re bound to fail all the time, because you don"t count it as success unless you"ve done what n.o.body can do."
It sounded so good, so comforting, and yet DeAnne didn"t believe it. Oh, she knew that she spent too much time feeling like a failure, Jenny was right about that. But Jenny was wrong when she responded to it by deciding not to try very hard anymore. How could you ever learn to be perfect if you didn"t try to reach beyond yourself and do more than you could do? And then the Lord would take you the rest of the way. Wouldn"t he? If she honestly did everything she could possibly do, then the Lord would do the rest, and things would work out, the way they were finally working out for Stevie. Because you had to try.
But she would be less protective. She would try to do that, too. Jenny was right about that. Kids had to have a chance to be kids. Like when she was a girl and played in the orchard behind her house. It was dangerous back there, with old metal equipment and wires and things lying around, especially along the irrigation ditches, and she and her friends did crazy things. She had climbed much higher into cherry trees than little Aaron Cowper ever got on the swing set. And those were wonderful times and wonderful years. She couldn"t let her children miss out on that, just because their mother felt so afraid for them. But she also couldn"t sit back and get so-so distant from what her children were doing and feeling. It just wasn"t in her.
"You are the kindest person," DeAnne said, withdrawing from Jenny"s embrace. She wiped her eyes on a paper napkin from the kitchen table. The paper was rough on the tender skin of her eyelids. "I really wasn"t coming over here to cry my eyes out," she said. "I came over because an old man is spraying bug poison in my kitchen."
"And if I know you at all," said Jenny, "you"re going to throw away every box of cold cereal that was open. In fact, I"ll bet you even throw away the ones that were closed, because you won"t be able to convince yourself that the bug spray didn"t get through the cardboard or something."
DeAnne had to laugh. "Jenny, I already did throw them away. Before he even got there. Isn"t that stupid?"
"It"s just you, DeAnne. And one thing you are not is stupid. Why, you"re the teacher who finally gave the women in the Steuben 1st Ward permission not to pretend to worship their husbands in that sicky-icky way that Dolores LeSueur does. I mean, you stood up to the she-spider right in her own web."
"I think that proves that I"m stupid," said DeAnne.
The tumult outside spilled back into the house and it was time to fix lunch. About two o"clock, when DeAnne finally had her kids down for their naps-and Robbie actually went right to sleep; he had run around so much with Jenny"s kids that he had worn himself out-she headed back over to her own house to see if the Bappy was done and the smell was gone. Then she realized that she should have gone over at noon to see when he actually finished, so she"d know when the two hours were up. But no, he had left a note on the side door: Finished at noon. Key on table.
Such a thoughtful man.
Thoughtful, but dead wrong about how long it would take for the poison to settle out of the air. Her eyes stung when she went inside. The stink was awful. She fled back outside, leaving the door open behind her. She could smell it from here. It wasn"t going to go away, either, not if she left the house closed up tight.
She ran back inside and held her breath the whole time she was rinsing a dishtowel and wringing it out. Then she held it over her mouth and nose as she went through the house, opening all the windows and doors. The living room windows didn"t have screens, so she couldn"t very well leave them open. Nor could she bring herself to leave the doors standing open, even with the screen doors closed. Of course a serious burglar could easily get through any of the windows, so why not leave the doors open? But she just couldn"t do it.
She left the dishtowel hanging over the inside k.n.o.b of the side door that led to the carport, and then went out to the street to wait for Stevie"s schoolbus.
Immediately after lunch, d.i.c.ky appeared in the doorway of Step"s office. Step thought at first that he was there to make sure that he hadn"t stayed out longer than his allotted half hour, and maybe that was part of the reason, but the main reason was to deliver a message. "Ray seems to think that you can"t do your work properly unless you have unrestricted contact with the programmers, and in fact I agree with him."
Of course you do, thought Step.
"So you can go back to visiting them in the pit," said d.i.c.ky. "But I"d appreciate it if you held your distractions to a minimum."
"Sure, d.i.c.ky," said Step.
"And I"d still like a report from you on everything you ask them about."
"That"s a wonderful idea, d.i.c.ky. That will cut my productivity almost in half, I"d say, if I not only have to do my work, but also have to write a detailed report of all of it for you."
"Nevertheless," said d.i.c.ky "When h.e.l.l freezes over," said Step cheerfully. "My report to you on each project is the finished manual."
d.i.c.ky stood there, looking at him with that steady, animal-like gaze of his, showing no more expression than a sheep. At last he left.
I shouldn"t have goaded him, thought Step. I shouldn"t have pushed.
But it felt good to push. It felt good to know that Ray Keene still thought Step, or at least Step"s role in the company, was valuable enough to put d.i.c.ky in his place. It was d.i.c.ky who had pushed too far this time, not Step, not Step at all. Besides, d.i.c.ky still had his victory over the schedule.
A few minutes later, Step was in the pit, so the guys could see exactly how short a time d.i.c.ky had been able to make his absurd restriction stick. As soon as he came in, one of the programmers murmured, "d.i.c.ky check," and a couple of them got up and sauntered out into the halls for a moment. "No d.i.c.ky," they reported. Immediately they all turned their chairs to face the center of the room. It was as if they had been waiting for Step to show up in order to have a meeting.
Step plunged right in. "Guys," he said, "I"m sorry. I think this schedule thing is all my fault, because I took that late lunch hour yesterday and threw it in d.i.c.ky"s face."
"Screw all that," said Gla.s.s. "d.i.c.ky"s not a force of nature or something. He does what he does because he chooses to, not because of anything you did."
"He does what he does because he"s an a.s.shole," said one of the programmers.
"So the thing is this," said Gla.s.s. "If they"re going to make us show up at eight-thirty and take lunches exactly one d.a.m.n halfhour long, then our response is obvious."
"We quit," said one.
"We burn the place down," said another.
"Nothing that dramatic," said Gla.s.s. "In fact, it"s simple and it"s elegant. We leave at five."
They sat there looking at him, and then they all began smiling and chuckling and some of them pantomimed slapping their knees.
"Five sharp," said Gla.s.s. "Every night. In the middle of a line of code, if need be. Save your work, shut down, and leave this place dark at five oh one. Everybody agreed?"
"With all my heart," said Step. The others echoed him.
"One for all and all for one," said Gla.s.s.
"Now," said Step, "everyone back on your heads."
Step was home by five-fifteen. He found a note on the side door.
Pls chk to see if bug spray still bad. At Cowpers".
When he went inside, the stench was unbearable. He felt like he could taste it, it was so intense. The house was a bit chilly-it was going to be a cool night, and there was already a stiff breeze. If it rains, Step thought, all these open windows are going to mean soaked carpets and furniture. But we can"t close them, either. Just have to keep watch on the sky.
No way will we be able to sleep here tonight.
He set the lock on the front-door screen and left the door open. Maybe somebody could break in and steal everything, but they could do that with the windows open anyway, and the living room just wasn"t airing out at all-when he went in there his eyes stung. Then he closed and locked the side door, got back in the car, and drove to the Cowpers".
"You"re home so early again," said DeAnne, happy to see him.
"Maybe from now on," said Step. "Unless they back down. But I can never be late again in the morning." He kissed her. Jenny Cowper was standing right there watching, but Step only waved as he kissed DeAnne again.
"Don"t mind me," said Jenny. "I already guessed that you two knew about kissing."
"We"re still beginners at it," said Step, "so we need all the practice we can get." Jenny laughed and then went back into the kitchen or somewhere.
"How did things go with Stevie?" asked Step.
"Not what we expected," said DeAnne. "A subst.i.tute."
"Ah," said Step. "So she couldn"t face it."
"And Stevie came home with his ribbon. Mrs. Jones must have said something to Dr. Mariner, because she came into cla.s.s today and said something about-"
But at that moment several children charged into the room.
Robbie and two unidentified Cowper children-Step hadn"t even bothered to try to tell them apart; they all looked like identical twins of different ages. Stevie followed, carrying a book. Not part of the game, apparently. But at least he was talking.
"Hi, Dad."
"I hear you had a subst.i.tute today."
He nodded. Step squatted in front of him, then realized that his knees didn"t respond well to that position anymore, and he knelt on one knee. "Hear you got your ribbon."
"I didn"t care about the ribbon," said Stevie.
"Well, I guess Dr. Mariner did."
Then Stevie looked Step in the eye and said, "Did you kill Mrs. Jones?"
"No!" Step said, appalled. "No, of course not! I didn"t touch her, I didn"t hurt her at all. Son, she stayed home today because she"s ashamed."
Stevie didn"t look convinced. "Dr. Mariner said she was sick. She said Mrs. Jones wouldn"t be coming back the rest of the school year and our subst.i.tute would be our teacher from now on."