"Well I"m a priest," said Lee. "They ordained me a priest right after I was baptized myself."
"That"s right," said Step. He knew what was coming next, but he could hardly believe that anyone would have the gall to intrude so badly into someone else"s family.
"Well I can baptize your boy!" said Lee.
Brother Freebody happened to be standing nearby, talking to somebody else, but Step saw that he heard what Lee had said, and Brother Freebody rolled his eyes in sympathy.
"You have the authority to baptize," said Step. "But we have the custom in the Church that if a father is a worthy priesthood holder, he baptizes his own children."
"Sure," said Lee. "But I"ve never baptized anybody. This is my first chance. You"ve baptized a lot of people. On your mission, right?"
"You"re nineteen," said Step. "Prepare yourself and in a year you can be ordained an elder and go on a mission yourself and baptize everybody who receives the gospel from you."
"But why should I wait?" asked Lee.
"Because Stevie is my son," said Step.
"All the more reason," said Lee. He lowered his voice a little. "I told you, G.o.d is with me. I"d give him a real baptism. Like John the Baptist gave Jesus."
"Lee, I have the same priesthood you have, when it comes to baptizing. He"ll be just as baptized when I do it as he would be if anybody else with that same authority did it. And now I have to get to cla.s.s."
Lee looked ... not hurt, really, but ... what? Angry. Yes, angry, thought Step as he slipped along the s.p.a.ce between benches and emerged into the aisle of the chapel. Great, Step, great, you"ve offended a new convert who was given to you as a home teaching companion specifically so you could strengthen him in the gospel.
But no way in h.e.l.l is anybody but me going to baptize my oldest son.
Later, in priesthood meeting, Lee seemed to have forgotten all about it-he was talking and laughing with the other men and boys, and a few times with Step himself. Things were fine.
That afternoon, though, at the baptism, it became clear that Lee had not understood anything at all. It was a simple service. DeAnne played the piano and Step led the music; the bishop spoke for a minute, and then Sister Cowper gave a talk about the meaning of baptism. At that point Step led Stevie out of the Primary room, heading for the font entrance by way of the dressing room where they had earlier changed into the white baptismal clothes.
Lee was in the hall with his mother, waiting. Already behind them the bishop and Brother Cowper were opening the folding doors between the Primary room and the corridor, and people were coming out, and there was Lee, dressed in white clothes, right down to white athletic shoes. "Are sneakers OK?" asked Lee. "We couldn"t find any white dress shoes."
"Lee," said Step, trying not to embarra.s.s him too much in front of his mother, "only the person getting baptized and the person doing the baptizing wear white clothes. I"m so sorry that you misunderstood." He turned to Dr. Weeks. "I hope that it wasn"t too much trouble, coming up with all these white clothes."
"But isn"t Lee performing the baptism?" asked Dr. Weeks.
Lee was smiling as if nothing at all was wrong. He clearly intended Step to stand aside and let him perform the baptism. But that was not going to happen unless Step dropped dead in the next few minutes. "No, Dr. Weeks. I told Lee this morning when he offered to do it that in the Mormon Church, whenever it"s possible a father baptizes his own children."
Dr. Weeks"s expression hardened. "Then this is an inappropriate behavior?" she asked.
"I don"t know how Lee could have misunderstood," said Step.
"But you said I could do it," said Lee. His voice was quite loud, to get the maximum sympathy from the onlookers. Step could sense DeAnne coming up beside him, standing with him.
"No, Lee," said Step, also loudly. "I clearly told you that you would have chances to baptize if you seine a mission, but that I would baptize my firstborn child today. I"m sure you realize that there is no chance that I would ever have said otherwise under any circ.u.mstances."
"Come along, Lee," said Dr. Weeks icily. Step couldn"t guess whether she was angry at him or at Lee or-worst of all-at the Church.
DeAnne touched Dr. Weeks on the arm. "I hope you understand," she said softly. "No one meant to embarra.s.s your son. It was just a misunderstanding."
"Oh, I"m sure Lee understood perfectly all along," said Dr. Weeks, also softly, and with a slightly pained smile. "He simply has a way of adjusting reality to fit his desires and then expecting others to go along. I hope you will overlook this."
"Of course," said Step. He was relieved-she knew where the blame for this belonged.
"You"ve embarra.s.sed me, Mother," said Lee.
"It"s time to go home," said Dr. Weeks.
"Why not stay and see the baptism?" said DeAnne.
"I saw Lee"s baptism," said Dr. Weeks. "I imagine this will be much the same."
"I want to stay" said Lee.
"Come home now, Lee," said Dr. Weeks.
There was a moment"s silence between them, and then Lee turned to Step and, with a cheerful smile, said, "You really should have let me baptize him. That would have been the best thing." Then he turned and walked with his mother down the corridor toward the southeast door of the meetinghouse.
DeAnne squeezed his arm. "They"re leaving, and everybody else is waiting," she said.
"Yes," said Step. "Sorry." He looked down at Stevie and smiled. "What do you say we go through with this?"
Stevie nodded.
Inside the dressing room, where their Sunday clothes were hanging up on hooks, Step paused for just a moment, feeling a need to explain. "Lee Weeks is just excited about being a priesthood holder," he said. "He misunderstood, that"s all."
Stevie looked up into Step"s eyes and said, "I think he"s crazy as a loon, Dad."
And I think you"re as sane as I am, thought Step. But you"ve got to go to a psychiatrist, while Lee only goes home teaching.
"I love you, Stevie," said Step.
"I love you too, Dad," said Stevie. But it was perfunctory, the obligatory answer.
They went to the door that led from the dressing room into the font itself. The water was just above the second step from the top. The water bent the light to make the font seem no deeper than a child"s wading pool, but as Stevie stepped down into it, it seemed to swallow him up, bending him at the legs and then at the hips until he was so short that this shallow water came up to his shoulders. Step followed him. The water was cold, but he got used to it quickly. It came up only to his hips. Stevie is so small, he thought. He"s too young to take on himself the consequences of all his future choices.
Then he thought, Stevie"s been making his own choices, taking responsibility for himself ever since he was old enough to walk. For Stevie, baptism is probably years overdue. The Lord just picked eight years old as a convenient middle ground, that"s all. Some children are ready for it as toddlers, and some aren"t ready until well past their teens. Stevie was born with wisdom and goodness in him, like the high priest Samuel, like Solomon, like Joseph who was sold into Egypt, like Jesus.
Step took Stevie"s right wrist in his left hand. "Hold on to my arm," he whispered. "Just like we practiced."
Stevie reached up his left hand and took hold of Step"s left wrist. His hand was so small, his grip so tight and yet so feeble.
Stevie tried to move his right hand up to plug his nose.
"Not yet," Step whispered. "After the words."
Stevie waited as Step raised his right hand to the square and spoke loudly, so the official witnesses could hear and make sure he said it right: "Stephen Bolivar Fletcher, having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost. Amen."
"Amen," murmured the crowd.
"Amen," whispered Stevie.
Step lifted Stevie"s right hand toward his face, and Stevie took hold of his nose to pinch it closed. "Bend at the knees," Step whispered. Stevie closed his eyes and Step pushed him backward into the water, then shoved him down. The water resisted as it always did, but Step pushed Stevie downward, downward, burying him under the water until he was completely immersed. Only then did he let the water have its way, float him back up; and when Stevie reached the surface, gripping tightly to Step"s arm, Step pulled him back up to a standing position. Stevie gasped, let go of Step"s arm, wiped at his eyes.
Some of the onlookers chuckled affectionately. They had all been through this. They knew how it felt to come out of the water. The disorientation. The hunger for breath. Like being born, gasping for air. The body"s instinct for survival in control of you, so all you can think about is, live. Breathe. Then you think, I"m cold. Can they see through the white clothes? Did I look stupid? Did everything go right? Did some part of me stick up out of the water so they"ll have to dunk me again?
Step looked from the bishop to Brother Cowper, who were serving as the official witnesses. They both nodded.
"We"re OK," said Step. "Got it right the first time."
Stevie nodded gravely.
The bishop and Brother Cowper closed the sliding doors between the font and the corridor. Everybody else went back into the Primary room to wait. Step and Stevie climbed up out of the water, their clothes heavy, dripping, cold.
In the dressing room they dried off and changed back into their street clothes. Stevie was very shy about his body, asking Step not to look and making sure that his back was always turned to his father while he dressed. A far cry from the days when he used to run stark naked into the living room with company there, shouting "Teebee go toe-let now! Hurry-up Daddy!"
Step wrung out the wet clothes and then they returned to the Primary room, where some of the younger children-all Cowpers, by Step"s rough census-were running around hooting and screeching. They soon got things quieted down, Brother Cowper gave a short talk about the meaning of confirmation and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and then Stevie came forward, sat in a chair facing the small congregation, and Step laid his hands on his son"s head. The other priesthood holders there-the bishop, Brother Cowper, and the Primary president"s husband-then laid their hands lightly on his, with perhaps a finger also touching Stevie"s head. And Step began the confirmation as he had done so many times on his mission in Sao Paulo-except in English, not in Portuguese. He confirmed Stevie a member of the Church, and then commanded him to receive the Holy Ghost.
Technically that was all that was needed, and Step could have stopped there-but that would have caused talk, a lot of gossip, because the custom was to add a few minutes of blessing and admonition, and the omission of that blessing would have been shocking.
Yet as Step stood there, ready to speak the words of blessing, nothing came to mind. It was not that he had given it no thought. In fact, for days he had been replaying in his mind the ways he might obliquely address the problems Stevie had been having. He couldn"t say I bless you that your imaginary friends will go away without your having to bother going to a psychiatrist, but there were ways of phrasing the same idea, such as, I promise you healing, and that all your visions will be true ones-things like that, which would sound ordinary enough to people who knew nothing about Stevie"s problems, but whose true meaning DeAnne and Step and G.o.d would understand.
Now, though, Step could not remember a single thing that he had planned to say. He stood there in long silence. This was not unusual. Many men took a moment or two to gather their thoughts. But this time the moment became longer and longer, and one of the men in the circle around Stevie shifted his weight, and a woman in the congregation cleared her throat.
Is there nothing I can say to my son? Is his life as bleak as that? Or is it me? Am I unworthy to give any kind of blessing to this good boy, who needs blessing so much?
Suddenly there were words in his mind; and he spoke them almost before he thought of them. "The Lord knows your heart, Stephen, and he trusts you. He brought you into this world to perform works of love, and I promise you that if you listen to the Holy Ghost and make your choices as the Spirit of G.o.d directs you, then you will bring joy and peace into the lives of everyone who loves you, both your family and your friends."
As quickly as the rush of words had come, it was gone. "Amen."
The men in the circle immediately turned their attention to Stevie, shaking his hand. Solemnly Stevie shook hands with each man, but without looking them in the eye. And as Stevie headed back to his seat, Spike Cowper glanced at Step a bit quizzically, as if to ask, What was going on there during the confirmation? The bishop put his hand on Step"s shoulder and squeezed. Meaning what? thought Step. Encouragement? Consolation? Sorry you couldn"t give your own son a real blessing at the time of confirmation.
Yet it had been a real blessing, Step was sure of it, or at least he was pretty sure that he was sure. It had happened a couple of times before, on his mission in Brazil, the words just flowing into his mind like that. It meant something.
On the way out to the car, after the closing song and the prayer, DeAnne hung back from the kids and asked Step about it. "Was that really all? I mean, you didn"t even mention him getting married in the temple or anything."
"This was his confirmation, not a patriarchal blessing," said Step.
"Yes, but Step..."
"I said what I was given to say," he answered, a bit uncertainly. That"s the problem with spiritual things, thought Step. You knew what was going on, and yet you also didn"t know. Because if you really knew, then it wouldn"t take faith anymore, would it? And yet you had to live in perfect trust, as if you did know for sure when G.o.d had spoken in your heart. Only later, looking back, could you see with any kind of certainty whether there seemed to be meaning in what had happened, whether there was some purpose or plan in things.
On the drive home, it happened that there was one long silence that for some reason made Step uncomfortable, and he filled it with the first thing that came to mind. "Well, Door Man, feel any different now?"
As soon as he said it, Step regretted it. It was exactly the sort of stupid question adults were always asking children. Now Stevie would think, Am I supposed to feel different? Uh-oh, I don"t feel different, except maybe still a little damp, and so now what do I say? If I don"t say I feel different, Dad will think that he failed. Or that 1 failed. But if I do say I feel different, then that will be a lie. My first lie after baptism. All my sins washed away, and now this is my first sin and so the baptism was only good for about half an hour. At least, that was what had gone through Step"s mind when he was eight years old and his father baptized him.
From the back seat, Stevie answered quietly, "Yes, Dad."
He had opted for the white lie.
"Son," he said, "actually most people don"t feel all that different, really. It"s OK if you don"t."
"I do, though," said Stevie. He didn"t sound insistent. Just reporting a fact.
"Oh really?" asked Step. "What does it feel like?"
Stevie seemed to think about this for a moment. "Like the Holy Ghost is in me."
For a moment it seemed like the perfect response. For a moment Step thought, Of course Stevie feels the gift of the Holy Ghost, though I never did as a child, because he has always been sensitive to spiritual things, and I never was.
Step thought then of how much Stevie sounded like Lee Weeks just before Sunday school today. G.o.d is in me. G.o.d is speaking inside me. Whatever it was that Lee had said. Stevie might be spiritually sensitive, or he might be deluded.
Step realized that he was seeing him through the psychiatrist"s eyes. How easy would it be for a psychiatrist to distinguish between Stevie"s simple language of faith and Lee Weeks"s weird certainty that G.o.d had chosen him? Probably it wasn"t a problem-Lee might be strange, but he wasn"t certifiable or anything. And of all people Dr. Weeks would certainly take Stevie"s pure faith in the religion of his parents in stride.
Certainly DeAnne was taking Stevie"s answer without any kind of skepticism. She reached over and cupped her hand over Step"s right hand where it rested on the gear shift. Our son is so pure in heart, she seemed to be saying, that he can sense the Spirit of G.o.d when it enters him.
"What did you think when your father was confirming you?" asked DeAnne.
"I don"t know," said Stevie.
"I mean, what did you think of the blessing he gave you?"
"Fine," said Stevie.
"Let"s not quiz him," said Step to DeAnne. But what he was really thinking was, Do you have to remind him of how inadequate my blessing was?
"Sorry," said DeAnne, her feelings hurt a little.
"Nothing to be sorry about," he said.
Stevie spoke up from the back seat. "Dad?"
"Yes, Door Man?"
"You said that I"d bring joy and peace to my friends."
"And family," said Step.
"Well I don"t know how," said Stevie.
"But that"s what the gift of the Holy Ghost is for," said Step. "To show you how."
"But what if the Holy Ghost doesn"t tell me?"
"Then maybe it isn"t time for you to do anything about it yet. Or maybe you just haven"t learned how to hear what the Spirit of G.o.d is saying. Or maybe you aren"t supposed to do anything yet."
"Oh," said Stevie. A moment pa.s.sed. Stevie said, "I"d really like to."
"Like to what?" asked DeAnne.