"Ah," I said, feeling my responsibilities as chorus. "A chicken farm."
"I"ve thought it all over, laddie, and it"s as clear as mud. No expenses, large profits, quick returns. Chickens, eggs, and the money streaming in faster than you can bank it. Winter and summer underclothing, my bonny boy, lined with crackling Bradbury"s. It"s the idea of a lifetime. Now listen to me for a moment. You get your hen--"
"One hen?"
"Call it one for the sake of argument. It makes my calculations clearer. Very well, then. Harriet the hen--you get her. Do you follow me so far?"
"Yes. You get a hen."
"I told you Garnet was a dashed bright fellow," said Ukridge approvingly to his attentive wife. "Notice the way he keeps right after one"s ideas? Like a bloodhound. Well, where was I?"
"You"d just got a hen."
"Exactly. The hen. Pricilla the pullet. Well, it lays an egg every day of the week. You sell the eggs, six for half a crown. Keep of hen costs nothing. Profit--at least a couple of bob on every dozen eggs. What do you think of that?"
"I think I"d like to overhaul the figures in case of error."
"Error!" shouted Ukridge, pounding the table till it groaned. "Error?
Not a bit of it. Can"t you follow a simple calculation like that? Oh, I forgot to say that you get--and here is the nub of the thing--you get your first hen on tick. Anybody will be glad to let you have the hen on tick. Well, then, you let this hen--this first, original hen, this on-tick-hen--you let it set and hatch chickens. Now follow me closely.
Suppose you have a dozen hens. Very well, then. When each of the dozen has a dozen chickens, you send the old hens back to the chappies you borrowed them from, with thanks for kind loan; and there you are, starting business with a hundred and forty-four free chickens to your name. And after a bit, when the chickens grow up and begin to lay, all you have to do is to sit back in your chair and endorse the big cheques. Isn"t that so, Millie?"
"Yes, dear."
"We"ve fixed it all up. Do you know Combe Regis, in Dorsetshire? On the borders of Devon. Bathing. Sea-air. Splendid scenery. Just the place for a chicken farm. A friend of Millie"s--girl she knew at school--has lent us a topping old house, with large grounds. All we"ve got to do is to get in the fowls. I"ve ordered the first lot. We shall find them waiting for us when we arrive."
"Well," I said, "I"m sure I wish you luck. Mind you let me know how you get on."
"Let you know!" roared Ukridge. "Why, my dear old horse, you"re coming with us."
"Am I?" I said blankly.
"Certainly you are. We shall take no refusal. Will we, Millie?"
"No, dear."
"Of course not. No refusal of any sort. Pack up to-night and meet us at Waterloo to-morrow."
"It"s awfully good of you ..."
"Not a bit of it--not a bit of it. This is pure business. I was saying to Millie as we came along that you were the very man for us. A man with your flow of ideas will be invaluable on a chicken farm.
Absolutely invaluable. You see," proceeded Ukridge, "I"m one of those practical fellows. The hard-headed type. I go straight ahead, following my nose. What you want in a business of this sort is a touch of the dreamer to help out the practical mind. We look to you for suggestions, laddie. Flashes of inspiration and all that sort of thing. Of course, you take your share of the profits. That"s understood. Yes, yes, I must insist. Strict business between friends. Now, taking it that, at a conservative estimate, the net profits for the first fiscal year amount to--five thousand, no, better be on the safe side--say, four thousand five hundred pounds ... But we"ll arrange all that end of it when we get down there. Millie will look after that. She"s the secretary of the concern. She"s been writing letters to people asking for hens. So you see it"s a thoroughly organised business. How many hen-letters did you write last week, old girl?"
"Ten, dear."
Ukridge turned triumphantly to me.
"You hear? Ten. Ten letters asking for hens. That"s the way to succeed.
Push and enterprise."
"Six of them haven"t answered, Stanley, dear, and the rest refused."
"Immaterial," said Ukridge with a grand gesture. "That doesn"t matter.
The point is that the letters were written. It shows we are solid and practical. Well now, can you get your things ready by to-morrow, Garny old horse?"
Strange how one reaches an epoch-making moment in one"s life without recognising it. If I had refused that invitation, I would not have--at any rate, I would have missed a remarkable experience. It is not given to everyone to see Stanley Featherstonehaugh Ukridge manage a chicken farm.
"I was thinking of going somewhere where I could get some golf," I said undecidedly.
"Combe Regis is just the place for you, then. Perfect hot-bed of golf.
Full of the finest players. Can"t throw a brick without hitting an amateur champion. Grand links at the top of the hill not half a mile from the farm. Bring your clubs. You"ll be able to play in the afternoons. Get through serious work by lunch time."
"You know," I said, "I am absolutely inexperienced as regards fowls. I just know enough to help myself to bread sauce when I see one, but no more."
"Excellent! You"re just the man. You will bring to the work a mind unclouded by theories. You will act solely by the light of your intelligence. And you"ve got lots of that. That novel of yours showed the most extraordinary intelligence--at least as far as that blighter at the bookstall would let me read. I wouldn"t have a professional chicken farmer about the place if he paid to come. If he applied to me, I should simply send him away. Natural intelligence is what we want.
Then we can rely on you?"
"Very well," I said slowly. "It"s very kind of you to ask me."
"Business, laddie, pure business. Very well, then. We shall catch the eleven-twenty at Waterloo. Don"t miss it. Look out for me on the platform. If I see you first, I"ll shout."
CHAPTER III
WATERLOO STATION, SOME FELLOW-TRAVELLERS, AND A GIRL WITH BROWN HAIR
The austerity of Waterloo Station was lightened on the following morning at ten minutes to eleven, when I arrived to catch the train to Combe Regis, by several gleams of sunshine and a great deal of bustle and activity on the various platforms. A porter took my suitcase and golf-clubs, and arranged an a.s.signation on Number 6 platform. I bought my ticket, and made my way to the bookstall, where, in the interests of trade, I inquired in a loud and penetrating voice if they had got Jeremy Garnet"s "Manoeuvres of Arthur." Being informed that they had not, I clicked my tongue reproachfully, advised them to order in a supply, as the demand was likely to be large, and spent a couple of shillings on a magazine and some weekly papers. Then, with ten minutes to spare, I went off in search of Ukridge.
I found him on platform six. The eleven-twenty was already alongside, and presently I observed my porter cleaving a path towards me with the suit-case and golf-bag.
"Here you are!" shouted Ukridge vigorously. "Good for you. Thought you were going to miss it."
I shook hands with the smiling Mrs. Ukridge.
"I"ve got a carriage and collared two corner seats. Millie goes down in another. She doesn"t like the smell of smoke when she"s travelling.
Hope we get the carriage to ourselves. Devil of a lot of people here this morning. Still, the more people there are in the world, the more eggs we shall sell. I can see with half an eye that all these blighters are confirmed egg-eaters. Get in, sonnie. I"ll just see the missis into her carriage, and come back to you."
I entered the compartment, and stood at the door, looking out in the faint hope of thwarting an invasion of fellow-travellers. Then I withdrew my head suddenly and sat down. An elderly gentleman, accompanied by a pretty girl, was coming towards me. It was not this type of fellow traveller whom I had hoped to keep out. I had noticed the girl at the booking office. She had waited by the side of the queue while the elderly gentleman struggled gamely for the tickets, and I had had plenty of opportunity of observing her appearance. I had debated with myself whether her hair should rightly be described as brown or golden. I had finally decided on brown. Once only had I met her eyes, and then only for an instant. They might be blue. They might be grey. I could not be certain. Life is full of these problems.
"This seems to be tolerably empty, my dear Phyllis," said the elderly gentleman, coming to the door of the compartment and looking in.
"You"re sure you don"t object to a smoking-carriage?"
"Oh no, father. Not a bit."
"Then I think ..." said the elderly gentleman, getting in.
The inflection of his voice suggested the Irishman. It was not a brogue. There were no strange words. But the general effect was Irish.
"That"s good," he said, settling himself and pulling out a cigar case.