"Sir?"
"Mr. Ukridge going away like this has left me in a most unpleasant position. I would like to talk it over with you. I daresay you know that we--that Mr. Ukridge owes a considerable amount of money round about here to tradesmen?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, when they find out that he has--er----"
"Shot the moon, sir," suggested the Hired Retainer helpfully.
"Gone up to town," I amended. "When they find out that he has gone up to town, they are likely to come bothering us a good deal."
"Yes, sir."
"I fancy that we shall have them all round here to-morrow. News of this sort always spreads quickly. The point is, then, what are we to do?"
He propounded no scheme, but stood in an easy att.i.tude of attention, waiting for me to continue.
I continued.
"Let"s see exactly how we stand," I said. "My point is that I particularly wish to go on living down here for at least another fortnight. Of course, my position is simple. I am Mr. Ukridge"s guest.
I shall go on living as I have been doing up to the present. He asked me down here to help him look after the fowls, so I shall go on looking after them. Complications set in when we come to consider you and Mrs.
Beale. I suppose you won"t care to stop on after this?"
The Hired Retainer scratched his chin and glanced out of the window.
The moon was up, and the garden looked cool and mysterious in the dim light.
"It"s a pretty place, Mr. Garnet, sir," he said.
"It is," I said, "but about other considerations? There"s the matter of wages. Are yours in arrears?"
"Yes, sir. A month."
"And Mrs. Beale"s the same, I suppose?"
"Yes, sir. A month."
"H"m. Well, it seems to me, Beale, you can"t lose anything by stopping on."
"I can"t be paid any less than I have bin, sir," he agreed.
"Exactly. And, as you say, it"s a pretty place. You might just as well stop on, and help me in the fowl-run. What do you think?"
"Very well, sir."
"And Mrs. Beale will do the same?"
"Yes, sir."
"That"s excellent. You"re a hero, Beale. I shan"t forget you. There"s a cheque coming to me from a magazine in another week for a short story.
When it arrives, I"ll look into that matter of back wages. Tell Mrs.
Beale I"m much obliged to her, will you?"
"Yes, sir."
Having concluded that delicate business, I lit my pipe, and strolled out into the garden with Bob. I cursed Ukridge as I walked. It was abominable of him to desert me in this way. Even if I had not been his friend, it would have been bad. The fact that we had known each other for years made it doubly discreditable. He might at least have warned me, and given me the option of leaving the sinking ship with him.
But, I reflected, I ought not to be surprised. His whole career, as long as I had known him, had been dotted with little eccentricities of a type which an unfeeling world generally stigmatises as shady. They were small things, it was true; but they ought to have warned me. We are most of us wise after the event. When the wind has blown, we can generally discover a mult.i.tude of straws which should have shown us which way it was blowing.
Once, I remembered, in our schoolmaster days, when guineas, though regular, were few, he had had occasion to increase his wardrobe. If I recollect rightly, he thought he had a chance of a good position in the tutoring line, and only needed good clothes to make it his. He took four pounds of his salary in advance,--he was in the habit of doing this: he never had any salary left by the end of term, it having vanished in advance loans beforehand. With this he was to buy two suits, a hat, new boots, and collars. When it came to making the purchases, he found, what he had overlooked previously in his optimistic way, that four pounds did not go very far. At the time, I remember, I thought his method of grappling with the situation humorous. He bought a hat for three-and-sixpence, and got the suits and the boots on the instalment system, paying a small sum in advance, as earnest of more to come. He then p.a.w.ned one suit to pay for the first few instalments, and finally departed, to be known no more. His address he had given--with a false name--at an empty house, and when the tailor arrived with his minions of the law, all he found was an annoyed caretaker, and a pile of letters written by himself, containing his bill in its various stages of evolution.
Or again. There was a bicycle and photograph shop near the school. He went into this one day, and his roving eye fell on a tandem bicycle. He did not want a tandem bicycle, but that influenced him not at all. He ordered it provisionally. He also ordered an enlarging camera, a kodak, and a magic lantern. The order was booked, and the goods were to be delivered when he had made up his mind concerning them. After a week the shopman sent round to ask if there were any further particulars which Mr. Ukridge would like to learn before definitely ordering them.
Mr. Ukridge sent back word that he was considering the matter, and that in the meantime would he be so good as to let him have that little clockwork man in his window, which walked when wound up? Having got this, and not paid for it, Ukridge thought that he had done handsomely by the bicycle and photograph man, and that things were square between them. The latter met him a few days afterwards, and expostulated plaintively. Ukridge explained. "My good man," he said, "you know, I really think we need say no more about the matter. Really, you"re come out of it very well. Now, look here, which would you rather be owed for? A clockwork man--which is broken, and you can have it back--or a tandem bicycle, an enlarging camera, a kodak, and a magic-lantern?
What?" His reasoning was too subtle for the uneducated mind. The man retired, puzzled, and unpaid, and Ukridge kept the clockwork toy.
CHAPTER XXII
THE STORM BREAKS
Rather to my surprise, the next morning pa.s.sed off uneventfully. Our knocker advertised no dun. Our lawn remained untrodden by hob-nailed boots. By lunch-time I had come to the conclusion that the expected Trouble would not occur that day, and I felt that I might well leave my post for the afternoon, while I went to the professor"s to pay my respects. The professor was out when I arrived. Phyllis was in, and it was not till the evening that I started for the farm again.
As I approached, the sound of voices smote my ears.
I stopped. I could hear Beale speaking. Then came the rich notes of Vickers, the butcher. Then Beale again. Then Dawlish the grocer. Then a chorus.
The storm had burst, and in my absence.
I blushed for myself. I was in command, and I had deserted the fort in time of need. What must the faithful Hired Man be thinking of me?
Probably he placed me, as he had placed Ukridge, in the ragged ranks of those who have Shot the Moon.
Fortunately, having just come from the professor"s I was in the costume which of all my wardrobe was most calculated to impress. To a casual observer I should probably suggest wealth and respectability. I stopped for a moment to cool myself, for, as is my habit when pleased with life, I had been walking fast; then opened the gate and strode in, trying to look as opulent as possible.
It was an animated scene that met my eyes. In the middle of the lawn stood the devoted Beale, a little more flushed than I had seen him hitherto, parleying with a burly and excited young man without a coat.
Grouped round the pair were some dozen men, young, middle-aged, and old, all talking their hardest. I could distinguish nothing of what they were saying. I noticed that Beale"s left cheekbone was a little discoloured, and there was a hard, dogged expression on his face. He, too, was in his shirt-sleeves.
My entry created no sensation. n.o.body, apparently, had heard the latch click, and n.o.body had caught sight of me. Their eyes were fixed on the young man and Beale. I stood at the gate, and watched them.
There seemed to have been trouble already. Looking more closely, I perceived sitting on the gra.s.s apart a second young man. His face was obscured by a dirty pocket handkerchief, with which he dabbed tenderly at his features. Every now and then the shirt-sleeved young man flung his hand towards him with an indignant gesture, talking hard the while.
It did not need a preternaturally keen observer to deduce what had happened. Beale must have fallen out with the young man who was sitting on the gra.s.s and smitten him; and now his friend had taken up the quarrel.
"Now this," I said to myself, "is rather interesting. Here, in this one farm, we have the only three known methods of dealing with duns. Beale is evidently an exponent of the violent method. Ukridge is an apostle of Evasion. I shall try Conciliation. I wonder which of us will be the most successful."
Meanwhile, not to spoil Beale"s efforts by allowing him too little scope for experiment, I refrained from making my presence known, and continued to stand by the gate, an interested spectator.
Things were evidently moving now. The young man"s gestures became more vigorous. The dogged look on Beale"s face deepened. The comments of the Ring increased in point and pungency.
"What did you hit him for, then?"