He touched my arm above my glove. I was wearing only the usual all-purpose nasal and mouth filters and gloves, because I hadn"t expected to encounter anything that required full-body filters at work.
It was my first skin-to-skin contact with any Shurixit. Like others before me, I fell in love instantly. His eyes were an enchanting color, red with amber glints around the diamond-shaped pupils. He had a faint stippling of darker color across his nose and cheeks, I saw, as I leaned closer. I wanted to touch every streak and dot. I wanted to taste them. I wanted to offer my flesh to him to eat. I could imagine nothing finer than having him accept my gift of self.
"My thala," he repeated, and his voice sounded to me the way velvet felt, soft, deep, inviting a second stroke, a third. "That is my sister soul, nalla. I scent she has come in here."
"I am sorry, exalted one," I said, feeling my regret like a sour taste all through me. I so wished I could help him; I wanted to do anything that would make him happy. His pain was mine. He had called me nalla, underling, one of the few Shurixit words I knew, and that hurt me. I loved him, and I didn"t want him to think of me in that way, but I had to accept it, because he was perfect. "I haven"t seen a sister soul," I said. "I don"t even know what one looks like."
"Useless nalla." He stalked past me. I couldn"t help following, all my desires tied up in wishing he would touch or notice me again. I wanted to give him everything I owned.
One of the security bots emerged from its niche and said, "Apologies, honored sir, but you must not come in here."
The Shurixit brushed past it. When Shurixit die the first death, they lose all their hair and some of their body processes; they do not need to breathe with lungs except to speak or smell things, and they turn stony and strong and lose their silken mobility. The first dead usually follow treaty procedure and stay away from humans unless m.u.f.fled in filters. We all depend on the treaties to save us from each other. The first dead are so strong it"s hard to make them do anything they don"t want to. But the hospital security bots can handle a lot of strength and force.
"Sir," said the bot, and three more emerged from nearby niches. They surrounded him. "Respectfully, we ask-"
His beautiful eyes gazed left and right, and he turned in a slow circle. He looked at me again, and his stance shifted from akimbo to upright. His triangular nostrils flared, and his chest shifted with breath. I saw the reverse chemistry hit him-slower from Human to Shurixit than the other direction, but inevitable. He had touched me, skin to skin, and some transfer had taken place, and now, he knew me.
He wanted me.
"Fa.s.si," said Dr. Shalabi from behind me.
It was hard for me to shift my gaze away from the Shurixit, but I looked toward Dr. Shalabi.
"He touched you?" she said. "Or you touched him?"
"He touched me," I said.
She grasped my arm and pressed an infuser against it, thumbed the plunger. I felt the cold as the antivenom moved into my veins. A moment later, the unnatural love I felt for the Shruixit turned to nausea. I went to the supply wall, tapped for a vomit bag, and used it.
The Shurixit, with his surround of security bots, came toward me. Now I could look at him clearly, my eyes unclouded by love. It was as close to a Shurixit first dead as I had been, aside from his first touch. I wasn"t in love with his features anymore, but he was interesting. His pupils were wide now, making the red, gold-flecked irises almost vanish into the circle of black surrounding them. The mobile lips that could elongate into a short tube or compact into plump, pleated bands that resembled human lips were a warm color that still invited touch, they looked so soft. His intense regard made heat rise in my face.
I turned away and slid my used vomit bag into the recycle slot.
"Give me you," said the Shurixit.
"Sir, excuse us," said the first security bot, "but you do not belong here, and in fact, you have violated several treaty provisions already. Excuse us, we mean you no harm, but we must escort you out." They hustled him away. He beat on their carapaces and tried to snap their mesh-skinned arms, but they were strong enough to stand up to him. He was hissing in Shurixit as the door shut behind him, and he stared back at me through the pressure gla.s.s. His cap had fallen off in the scuffle; one of the bots carried it. His head was smooth and brown, and his caste jewels were half-green, half-purple. I hadn"t learned enough about caste jewels to know what that meant. My Shurixit nurse friend only had one caste jewel. It was red.
"You okay?" Dr. Shalabi asked me.
"Better," I said. I shuddered and pulled my pale blue nurse uniform jacket closer, as though I could warm myself with it, though I didn"t really feel cold.
"Sorry about the Shurixit trauma, Fa.s.si. It happens to most of us sooner or later. Get over it. We have a lot of work to do." The doctor gestured toward the treatment beds, which hosted more people who had figured out ways to mess themselves up on free party favors.
The shift was ultra busy until I got off, and I was totally exhausted. I didn"t even notice the extra shadow that had lodged under the collar of my nurse"s jacket until I went into the fresher to shower before heading home. That was when the shadow slipped out from under my collar and twisted in the air, a pale, dark, fluttering thing that light should have been able to chase away.
"Ye G.o.ds," I muttered. I had seen many strange things already today; a random loose shadow wasn"t much compared to that. Still, it was annoying. I flapped my jacket at it, trying to drive it away. People talked about station ghosts and hitchhikers, little lifeforms that had attached themselves to one or another of the Four Known Races and arrived here by stealth. Kata Station was supposed to have excellent sanitation capabilities, but bugs got in anyway. There was always some kind of life figuring out a new way to adapt.
The shadow danced in front of me, and then darted toward my face. I held up my hands to block it, but it shot between my fingers and into my mouth and nose.
The next thing I knew, Dr. Shalabi was shaking me. "What happened, Fa.s.si?" she asked.
"Shadow," I tried to say, but what came out of my mouth were several strange clicks and the word "Kista," which I didn"t know.
"I hate Gateway Night," she said. "I"m supposed to be off now. Can you get up?"
I tried to roll over and push myself to my feet. I"d lost all coordination. My arms and legs flapped and flopped, but not in any direction I told them to go.
Dr. Shalabi sighed, scanned me with her diagnostick, clicked her tongue, and left the fresher. While she was gone, I stared up at the ceiling, where gentle light glowed in spirals, and then I looked toward the mirror wall and the sideshowers. I realized 1. I could move my head and focus my eyes. 2. I was naked. 3. I had bodymarks on my left leg, glyphs I couldn"t read. They made dark red shapes against the brown of my thigh. I thought back to the shift I had just worked, and all those humans who had come in with bodymarks from the Shurixit celebration of Gateway Night. Dr. Shalabi had muttered over them, translating for me. They had said, "The Grace of Gates," or "Welcome Intruders," or "Welcome Strangers," or "Meet in Fear and Wonder." None of them had looked like this one.
I tried to sit up, and this time, after a host of misfiring signals and unintended motions, my body almost obeyed me. I managed to turn over and push myself up off the polished drainfloor. I stumbled over to the fresher controls and turned on the high pressure hot. Side showers sent cleaning particles blasting me from all directions except the mirror wall side. I turned and twisted, lifted arms that more and more responded to my control, stretched my legs. I turned my feet to the blast, and my back. I worked the cleansing beads through what there was of my hair.
"Coming in," the doctor said through the doortalker.
I hit the off b.u.t.ton. The blast of cleansing ceased. The bodymark still showed on my thigh. Maybe it took special solvents to get it off.
Dr. Shalabi came into the fresher, accompanied by Dr. Maxta, the head of Emergency Medicine. He looked me up and down from not very far away. The hospital freshers weren"t meant to hold more than two people at a time.
"Gateway Night. Fah," he said. "Why can"t we get through one of these d.a.m.ned festivals without this kind of nonsense?"
"What happened to me?" I tried to ask, but all that came out of my mouth was a jumble of words I didn"t understand.
Dr. Shalabi sighed. "It"s a shame, Fa.s.si. You"re a good nurse, but you"re useless to us now."
I shook my hands at her.
"Oh." She closed her eyes and swayed. We had both been on shift a long time. "Yes, I suppose you don"t know what happened. It"s one of the Second Deaths of the Shurixit, a thala-looks like it laid claim to you. I knew it was trouble when that First Death Man came in here."
"Gateway Night," said Dr. Maxta. "Just an excuse for bad behavior without consequences. They"ll say it"s a festival accident and no one will pay. Dr. Shalabi, I leave you to it. Nurse, put some clothing on." He left, shaking his head.
I looked for the clothes I"d been wearing when I stepped into the fresher, but didn"t see them. I went to the closet slot and tapped it. A pole with uniforms on it extended from the wall, and I found one my size and shrugged into it. I wondered where my hospital ID had gone.
I shook my hands at Dr. Shalabi again, and she said, "The thala"s put its clan mark on you. Most of the Second Death ghosts don"t re-embody, but every once in a while one gets the idea it would like to walk around in a body again, and it finds one. Mostly they re-embody in Humans, because we don"t have the defenses live and First Death Shurixit have. We haven"t discovered a sure way to detach them once they settle in. I"m sorry no one noticed you hadn"t clocked out sooner, Fa.s.si. If the process is interrupted, the ghost sometimes dissolves without possessing a person, but you"ve been in here a while now; it is probably adequately integrated."
I said, "k.u.malli nelle kisna?"
"No, there"s nothing to be done now. We have a halfway house for people this has happened to. I"ll send you there and they can explain it to you."
Oh, great. She could understand what I was saying, and I couldn"t. "Can someone at least teach me the language?" I tried to say, but it came out as other words.
"No, I don"t think you should go to the Shurixit Quadrant," she said. "Why would you want to?"
I couldn"t tell her I wasn"t even talking for myself. Or could I? I headed for the nearest report screen, which was not in the fresher. It was out in the ER. I got to it and looked back. The doctor followed.
I set my hands over the word pads and typed in: I"m not the one talking! I glanced back at her, and she came to see.
"Oh," she said. She c.o.c.ked her head and studied me.
I don"t even understand what I"m saying, I typed.
"How can that be?"
I don"t know, I typed. I need to learn Shurixit.
"Is there no crossover of understanding between you and the thala?"
I closed my eyes and listened in my head for a voice not my own. I had no sense of Other there at all. I looked at Dr. Shalabi and shook my head.
"I don"t know enough about this kind of invasion," Dr. Shalabi said. "I don"t know if every case is like yours. Let me ask a couple questions. Who are you?"
I pointed to my chest and lifted my eyebrows. She"d been calling me by name, even though I didn"t have my ID. I was pretty sure she knew who I was.
"No. No. Not you, Fa.s.si. The thala," she said. "If this works the way it has already, just talk, and she will answer, no?"
I opened my mouth, and words came out.
"You don"t want to cooperate?" Dr. Shalabi asked.
I made my mouth move, but this time, there was no sound. I tried to force my voice out of my mouth. My throat hurt. No words.
"I need to send you to someone who knows how to deal with this, Fa.s.si. I"m sorry."
Words burst out of me, fast and full of strange sounds I didn"t know how to make.
"Not if you won"t tell me who you are and what you want," Dr. Shalabi said.
What did I say? I typed.
Dr. Shalabi clicked her tongue, the way she did when she was irritated. "I"m not used to this," she said, "you being two people. She wants you to go to the Shurixit Quadrant and contact one of the elders, the First Dead."
If it"s her brother, he"s probably hanging around outside, I typed.
Words poured out of my mouth.
I didn"t know what she was going on and on about, but I typed, What, you didn"t see him when he came in here and touched me with the madness? He was looking for you.
Dr. Shalabi listened to what my mouth was saying, and told me, "He"s not the one she was looking for. That"s the one she"s running from. She wanted protection from him. That"s why she embodied."
I kept talking. She c.o.c.ked her head and listened, but she was sagging against the wall. I was tired myself. "That one," she said, "has kept her in a soul cage, when her greatest desire has been to intustikiya with-I"m sorry, Fa.s.si. I"m too tired to make sense." She reached into a pocket of her jacket and pulled out a prescription pad. She spoke into it, then said, "Go to the pharmacy. I authorized a translator for you. I have to go flop now."
"Thank you, Doctor," I said, only it came out as, "Kreekree, alanka."
"You"re welcome," she said. So I guess maybe the thala and I meant the same thing at the same time, for once. "It was a pleasure working with you." She left out the part about "before this happened."
I headed deeper into the hospital to the pharmacy, only I was stopped at the first door. I didn"t have my ID. I couldn"t explain it. The thala tried to tell them something, but it didn"t get us any farther. I tried to ask myself what I had done with my clothes, where I had my ID pinned, but my other self wouldn"t give me words.
I went back to the report screen and typed. I knew from before that my rider could read and understand the Standard I had learned before I came to Kata Station. Clothes, I typed. ID. Where are they?
I answered my own question in a language I couldn"t understand.
Can you speak Standard? I typed.
"Ohnno," she said.
Can you say Dr. Maxta? I typed. Dr. Maxta at least knew what had happened to me, and might still be on shift.
"Alanka Maxta," I said aloud.
"Say it louder. Ask-" I looked behind me and saw Mbanji Holari, a nurse who, I thought, liked me all right. "Ask that man for Dr. Maxta." I went to Mbanji and tugged on his sleeve.
"What is it, Fa.s.si? You look terrible," he said.
"Alanka Maxta," I said.
He frowned. He said something in Shurixit, and I answered him. I rolled my eyes, impatient with my own problems. Mbanji and my rider had a protracted conversation.
"That"s all right," he said. "I can take you to the pharmacy." He reached for my hand. Without even thinking, I jerked it away.
"What"s the matter?" he said.
I said something, and he laughed.
"No, Itana, that is Human-Human touch, and it is permitted. However, we can go without it." He turned and led me through the various security barriers into the bowels of the hospital and to the pharmacy, where he and the pharmacist had a conversation that sometimes included my rider, and I finally got my translator and installed it in my left ear.
"Know you me now?" I said aloud, or she said it aloud in Shruixit, and it finally made some kind of sense to me. I had to think to figure out what my rider meant.
"Kind of," I tried to say, but she had total control of the mouth and throat.
"You okay now, Fa.s.si?" said Mbanji.
I shook my head. If I wanted to talk to my rider or anyone else, I needed something with type pads. Or sign language.
"We go," said my rider. I found myself walking toward the exit. No, I thought. She"s the rider. I"m not. She doesn"t get to walk us around. I thought myself into the muscles of my legs. I tried to tighten them and stop us moving forward. It took me longer than I liked to halt us and topple us over.
"Don"t do that," she said. She flopped around a bit, and managed to put a hand to our cheek. We"d come down face first. I tasted blood.
If you"re going to take the body, give me back my mouth, I thought, but couldn"t say.
I sat up, and she let me do it without interference. I went to the report screen. You have to tell me what you want and why, I typed.
She talked.
Gateway Night was still going strong when we took to the corridors. I heard laughter, singing, and music played on instruments I had never heard before. We pa.s.sed tipsy groups that included Human and Hallen, Oeria (at least their flyers) and Shurixit, and various animals people had brought to the station as pets. I heard drinking songs I"d never heard before, with very bawdy lyrics-my translator worked on everyone"s speech. So I finally realized the Hallen I pa.s.sed every day on my escape from the hive to the upper regions were propositioning me and telling me how good I smelled. I also realized they said it to all the females of any species, even if they had female characteristics themselves, and they never reached for me.
My rider helped me not flinch when the Hallen approached. She rattled off compliments to them and wished that their eggs would be many-colored. They frilled their topscales and said I had learned manners since the day before.
We had crossed half the Human territory toward Shurixit when the First Dead man who had entered the ER earlier caught up with us.
"Itana. Itana. What have you done?" he wailed, and reached for us.