aScrambled?a she asked. Paul nodded as he glanced up.
While she fried the bacon, she poured two cups of coffee and set them on the table. Paul sat in silence, frowning as he stared at nothing in particular. When she had everything done, she divided the eggs onto two plates and sat. Paul got up and got the hot sauce.
aThat will be ugly tomorrow,a Allie said.
Paul grinned slightly as he sat down. aWe used to do this all the time.a Allie nodded. aWhen money was tight before life and the job got in the way.a Paul looked up. aAnd you lost interest in me.a Allie blinked and sat back. She was stunned at the defiant, yet sad look on Paulas face. He then continued eating. aI didnat mean that to sound harsh,a he said, not looking up.
aI know. Maybe youare right.a Allie ate a forkful of eggs. She couldnat taste much. aIs there someone else? You spend so much time away.a Paulas head jerked up so fast, he dropped his fork. He glared for a moment, then smiled sadly. aI could ask you the same exact question. Would that be fair of me?a aThis isnat about Toni.a aI know. And itas not about anyone I may know. Whatas happening with us has nothing to do with anyone but you and me. Letas keep this right where it belongs, okay?a Allie nodded. aI agree. So where are we?a Paul wiped his mouth on a napkin and tossed it down. aI donat know. We could sit here all night.a He stopped and looked at her. aI think since the kids are out on their own, we have to really see each other. I mean really see each other. I donat want to do the blame game. I just donat know.a Allie took a drink of coffee, trying to collect her thoughts. Her mind wandered back to college. aRemember when we first met?a Paul smiled. aYes. You were doodling on your sketchpad.a Allie c.o.c.ked her head and smiled sadly. aAnd thatas what you always thought of ita"doodling. Did you ever think how much it means to me? I mean deep in my soul.a Paul stopped smiling. aI-I wasnat beinga"a Allie laughed ruefully. aYeah, you kinda were, sweetie. I think thatas part of it. You and I never really got each other. You never understood my pa.s.sion for art, how it touches my soul. And I donat think I ever acknowledged your pa.s.sion for your business.a aMy pa.s.sion for the business means a lot to me.a aAnd I never asked you to give it up, which is what I did with mine.a When Paul looked as though he was going to scoff, Allie held up her hand. aAnd please donat tell me thatas what the woman does. She gives up for the family, while the man does as he wants.a Paul turned bright red, indicating thatas exactly what he was going to say. He drank his coffee.
aWhy did you marry me?a aI thought youad be a good wife and mother. You were smart and funny andaa Allie laughed openly. aIam hoping the word alovea comes in there somewhere.a The moment she said it, she wanted it back. aIam sorry. I know you love me.a aWhy did you marry me?a Paul drank his coffee.
aYou were strong and confident. I was not.a She chuckled sadly. aBoy, that was lame.a Paul just watched her.
aWhat?a she asked.
He looked as though he might say something but then stopped as if he thought better of it. aDonat do this. Youave been surprisingly open just now. We havenat talked like thisaa aEver,a Paul said. aAnd before you go off, I know you always wanted to. On this, I will take full culpability.a He took a drink of his coffee while Allie toyed with her fork. aMaybe I never really wanted to delve too deeply about the awhya of our marriage.a aWhy are you now?a Allie asked. They may have had their problems, but Allie knew Paul. And this turn in his willingness to talk deeply did not change on his own.
aIave been told I need to come to grips with a lot of things for a lot of reasons.a He tiredly rubbed his face. aAnd no, Iam not seeing a shrink. The main reason is us. To finally, at last find out what the h.e.l.l happened and how to fix it. If we want to.a He took a deep breath and let it out as if to pull on some inner resolve. It was scaring Allie. aI know about Sue Tucker from college,a he blurted out.
That statement felt like a slap in the face. aWhat?a Paul groaned. aYou heard me.a aHow did you know about her?a Allie asked. Suddenly, the room felt small, and her heart raced.
aHer brother Brian. He was a year older than us, and apparently after you and I started dating, Susan had a big problem with it. He said you nearly ruined her.a Allie was stunned. aRuined her?a Her mind raced back to that time in college. Sue Tucker had the dorm room next to hers.
aIam not sure I want to hear about this, but tell me anyway.a He glanced at his watch. aToo late in the evening to start drinking.a Allie tried to laugh, but her mouth had gone bone dry. She took a drink of coffee, which was now ice cold. aShe was a friend, and I liked her. She was funny, confident. A take-charge kind of person. And you know I was anything but. She told me one rainy afternoon in my dorm that she was a lesbian. She was shocked but pleasantly surprised when her declaration did not turn me off. Iaa She wasnat quite sure how to go on.
aDid you sleep with her?a Paulas hesitant tone made it perfectly clear he really didnat want to know.
aNo.a Paulas head shot up. aYou didnat? Brian seemed to think you had.a aBrian was wrong. But I wonat lie to you. There was something there. I-I donat know what I felt for Sue. Looking back on it, I suppose I was very much attracted to her. But I was eighteen and had never been with anyone, man or woman, so how could I know?a Allie stopped to collect her thoughts. aWe had brief encounters, kissing and fondling, but I got scared. I canat believe Iam telling you thisaa aI canat, either. You think you know someone.a Allie looked directly at him. aYou donat think you know me?a aNot really. Not after this.a He sat forward. aCamon, Allie. You never, ever spoke of this. You married me, we had a family, and now here we are. Iam not saying itas all about what happened with Sue. I know I have my responsibility.a Allie sat back. aIam sorry, but I never told you quite frankly because it was none of your business.a aYou had a lesbian whatever and you donat think I should know about it?a aHow many girls did you know before me?a aOh, donat start that. This is different.a aHow so? Itas okay for you to have a s.e.x life before me, but I canat, and if I do, Iam obligated to tell you? Why? To make sure it was okay with you? Make sure I was fit to marry you and bear your children?a She got up and slammed her silverware in the sink and turned on the water. aI wish I would have had s.e.x with Sue. At least it would be something worthwhile to talk about!a She turned the water off and leaned against the sink. aI havenat thought about Sue in years.a aI think you married me because you were scared.a Allie turned to him then. aPerhaps. I was a teenager, and my first taste of s.e.x and love was with a woman. Coming from a strict Catholic family, yeah, it scared me. Being d.a.m.ned in the fires of h.e.l.l was a terrifying proposition.a Paul nodded, his gaze darting back and forth. aAnd then I come along. I wish you would have told me back then.a Allie smiled sadly. aIf wishes were fishesaa She looked at Paul and sat down. aAnd why didnat you tell me before we got married you knew about this?a Paul thought about it for a moment. aI suppose I didnat want to believe it. Maybe Brian was wrong. I suppose I lied to myself.a He sat back, suddenly looking very old. aSo now what happens?a Allie thought about it, wondering the same thing. It struck her then, as she looked at the man she married twenty-five years ago, this was a defining moment for both of them. And out of the blue, that winter night with Sue Tucker played clearly in her mind.
They had been lying on Allieas bed in her dorm. Sue had professed her attraction and love for her. Allie remembered how her palms got sweaty and her heart pounded in her chest not knowing what to do; it was all happening far too fast. Sue sat up and looked down at her. aThis is a defining moment, Allie. You define it, or it defines you.a Allie realized now, she allowed that moment to define her as a coward, and she ran. Ran into the arms of Paul Sanders and a safe, normal life. From then on, she and Paul had allowed little moments throughout their lives to define them.
Perhaps it was time, at last for both of them.
aWe had our time, Paul. We married for our own reasons. I was scared of what I might be, and you needed me to be what I couldnat.a She reached out and took his hand. aWeave tried, and for a while, we had a good life. We made two fantastic kids.a aYes, out of everything, no one can take that away from us.a Paulas lip quivered as he smiled. aAnd you made a good home, Allie. And you helped me make a good business.a They sat in silence, holding hands for a long moment.
aI think thatas enough for one night,a Allie said softly. aWhat do you think? Weall talk about this again?a Paul nodded. aOkay. But not tomorrow. I need time for this to sink in.a He patted her hand and stood. aI think Iall sleep in Nickas room tonight.a Tears flooded Allieas eyes as she smiled and nodded. aGood night, Paul.a aGood night, Allie.a Allie groaned as she stood and cleared the rest of the dishes. She put them in the sink, then leaned against the counter and sobbed.
Chapter 16.
Toni sat on the couch looking out at the snow. It was sleeting and just plain ugly. She looked around her s.p.a.cious studio apartment and realized how lonely she was. She didnat even want s.e.x! What the h.e.l.l was happening?
She walked over to the bedroom area, which was hidden by a four-foot wall and flounced on her huge beda"the bed that usually had another woman in it. She groaned and pulled the pillow over her face.
With that, the phone rang.
aWhat?a she asked flatly.
aHoly cow, whatas wrong with you?a Alana asked.
aNothing, Iam bored, and itas February. Itas sleeting and ugly.a Toni winced at her whiny voice. aI havenat seen you in three weeks. I gave you up for dead.a aOoh, somebody needs food.a Toni glared at the phone. aI do not need food, smarta.s.s.a She did smile, however, at the laughter coming from her schoolmarm.
aWell, the weather is certainly not cooperating. We canat go out and play,a Alana said.
Toni smiled as she listened. She put the pillow behind her head and sighed. aSo what should we do?a Toni asked with child-like antic.i.p.ation.
aWell, Iave never seen where you live, so invite me over and Iall make dinner,a Alana suggested boldly.
Toni stared at the ceiling. Alana? In her home? Hmm. aIs Paul working again?a aNo. Heas out with the guys, watching hockey, I think.a aHmm. The Blackhawks are doing well. What bar?a aIall kill you first.a aVery dark, Alana. Okay. Come over whenever you like. I have nothing in my house, though.a aWhy does that not surprise me? Iall take care of it.a aI have wine and Guinness.a aFigures.a aShut up and take down the directions.a *******
After a trip to the store, Allie followed the explicit directions. aShe gives good directions.a Then she thought of what she had forgotten and laughed. aKey lime pie...a She took out her cell and called the restaurant. Yes, they had it. Yes, she could buy the whole pie.
She pulled into the restaurant and dashed in, trying not to get soaked. As she stood by the register waiting for the pie, she glanced around the restaurant. Her heart stopped as she stood rooted to the spot.
There was Paul. The waiter was just seating him and a redheaded woman, who reached over and held Paulas hand. Allie realized this was the woman Paul was with at the deli that one afternoon last August. She continued watching as Paul smiled, leaned in, andakissed her. The redhead placed a hand on his cheek in an intimate gesture and gently ran her fingers through his graying hair.
Allie was stunned. It had been three weeks since their heart-to-heart talk. Allie smiled sadly. So this is what heas doing about it. aOh, Paul,a she whispered sadly, holding the tears back.
aMaaam?a the waiter gently nudged her.
Allie blinked and took the pie, handing him the money. She glanced back and felt her stomach clench as she watched her husband holding this womanas hand, then kissing it tenderly. Then it happened. She watched him mouth the words, aI love you.a She couldnat swallow as her stomach lurched, felt the bile in the back of her throat. She grabbed the pie and quickly got into her car.
Toni whistled as she stepped out of the shower and towel-dried her hair. She tossed the towel on the bed and dressed. She had just slipped into her jeans and sweater when the bell rang.
aThat was quick,a she said and opened the front door.
There stood Allie soaking wet, holding a pie in one hand and two plastic grocery bags in the other.
Toni laughed, and as she reached for the pie, she noticed Allieas bottom lip quivering.
aAre you all right?a She pulled her inside. aAlana!a She took the bags from her and the pie. She stripped the wet coat off her and tossed it on the kitchen chair. aSay something. Are you hurt?a She guided Allie into the living room, easing her down on the deep cushion. She knelt in front of her.
aAlana,a she said and gently shook her. Alana blinked, then started to cry. Toni was shocked. She pulled her into her arms and rocked her. Her hands roamed over her body, checking for blood or some sign of injury. Visions of Alana being in some sort of car accident flashed through her mind as she held her.
After a moment, Toni gently pulled back. aHey, now tell me whatas happened,a she whispered tenderly and brushed the wet hair off her face.
Allie sniffed and ran a finger under her nose. aI saw Paul.a aAre the Blackhawks doing that badly?a Allie glared at her.
aSorry. He wasnat at a bar?a aNo. I stopped to get you a key lime pie, and he was there with a woman.a aA client?a Toni asked. Please say yes, she thought.
aWell, if he kisses all his clients and tells them he loves them, thereas no wonder his business is booming.a aOh, s.h.i.t. Iam so sorry.a Alana reached in her pocket, took out a tissue, and blew her nose. aSo much has happened in the last few weeks. I want to tell you, but right now, I feel numb.a aYouare in shock and youare soaked and freezing. Camon, take a hot shower and Iall get you something to put on. Letas go.a As Toni gently urged her up, Allie looked around. aThis is nice.a Toni chuckled. aIall give you the tour when you come out. Go on now.a She gently prodded and pushed her up the two steps into the bedroom area.
aNice bed.a She sighed as Toni propelled her to the bathroom.
aThank you,a Toni said as Allie closed the door. aNot that itas getting much use lately. Ohaa She knocked on the door. aThere are towels on the shelf. Take your time, kiddo.a aThanks,a Allie called out. aI see them.a Toni grabbed a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt. She knocked on the bathroom door again. Allie opened it, wrapped in a towel. Toni nearly had a heart attack.
aHereas something to wear,a She avoided looking at the soft milky white skin of her shoulders and upper chest or the long neck or the soft skin of her arms or thea aThanks again.a Allie smiled sheepishly and gently closed the door.
She came out twenty minutes later. Toni looked at her and chuckled. The Chicago Fire Department sweatshirt was much too long as were the sweats, although they clung to her hips nicely.
aCome here, sit by the fire.a Toni pulled over a huge overstuffed chair.
Alana sank into its depths and sighed. She put up her feet and wriggled her toes.
aI made some coffee. Would you like that or a gla.s.s of wine?a aWine, please, then Iall make dinner.a aSkip dinner. Weall order out. You can make me dinner some other time. Donat argue,a she said firmly, and Alana nodded.
Toni came back with two gla.s.ses of wine. After handing one to Alana, Toni sat on the hearth, facing her. There was a moment or two of silence before Alana spoke.
aA few weeks ago, Paul and I had a very eye-opening discussion.a aThatas great.a Toni smiled and took a drink of her wine.
aWell, we admitted many things. Paul was uncharacteristically open and honest. I questioned him on it, and he told me someone had said he needed to be open to figure out what was wrong with us and how to fix it. If we can. And after seeing him with this woman tonight, I bet sheas the one who was helping him.a aHow do you figure?a Alana took a drink of the red wine. aThis is wonderful. Thanks. The woman with Paul didnat look like a hooker or some young gold-digging fling. She looked like an ordinary woman in love,a she said softly.
aMaybe she is,a Toni said. aLove hits everybody.a They looked at each other for a moment until Toni shrugged.
aI suppose whatas got me so rattled is that Paul looked the same.a aAh, I see.a Toni smiled slightly. aSo what did you and Paul talk about?a Alana glanced at Toni but took a drink instead of saying anything. Toni watched her cautiously and laughed as Alana continued drinking. aDonat eat the gla.s.s.a Alana laughed along as Toni poured another gla.s.s from the bottle. She knew Alana watched her as she poured. The room was deathly quiet when the doorbell rang.
Toni blinked. aDinner. Hope you like Chinese. Hold that thought. You can tell me more in a minute.a They sat in front of the fire, eating out of the cartons. Toni hid her grin. aYou hate eating like this, donat you? Youare dying for a plate.a Alana laughed and turned bright red, which Toni found adorable. aIall be right back.a Toni speared the piece of pork out of the container with her chopsticks while Alana balanced her plate on her lap.
aThis is good,a she said honestly, and Toni agreed.
aI love Chinese.a aToni OaHara, youall eat anything.a aTrue, but I love Chinese. Okay, time for your fortune.a Alana happily picked a cookie. She broke it open and read it and turned bright red. aOkay, your turn.a aHey! Ya gotta read it, goofball,a Toni said with a mouthful.
She wiped her hands on her jeans, which Allie tried to ignore, and reached for the fortune. Alana held it away from her.
aGimmeaa Toni warned, and Alana shook her head.
aTheyare stupid sayings that donat mean a thing.a aGimmeaa aNo.a Gray eyes narrowed dangerously. She s.n.a.t.c.hed the little paper out of Allieas hand. Toni held it over her head, laughing. She looked up and read it aloud. aYou will find love right in front of you.a She stopped and finished chewing. aHmm. Whatas so stupid about that? Okay, Iall read mine.a She broke open the cookie and took out the fortune. aHmm.a aHmm what?a Alana watched her.
Toni shrugged and tossed it into the fire.
Alana gaped at her. aWhy, you big a.s.saa she accused and Toni threw her head back and laughed openly. aI canat believe you made me read mine and you tossed yours in the fire.a aI know.a Toni got up, still chuckling. aTime for pie.a They sat there staring at the fire, not saying much. Toni ate the key lime pie as Alana watched her. aArenat you afraid of getting sick again?a aNope. I feel fine.a aI should get going,a she said in a small voice.
aYou donat have to. You can spend the night. Take the couch,a Toni added quickly.
Alanaas stomach was doing flip-flopsa"too much emotion for one day. h.e.l.l, for three weeks. Alana stopped and put her head back. aG.o.d, Iam tired, and I donat want to go home. Is it all right if I stay here?a aItas more than all right. I donat want you driving in this weather in the state youare in. Itas late.a aIall call home. I donat know now what heall be doing tonight. But I canat just stay out and not let him know. If heas home, heall worry.a aWhat if heas not there?a Toni asked.
aWell, I would hope head have the decency to call as Iam doing.a Allie got the home voice mail and left Paul a message, then left him a message on his cell, as well.
Toni watched her as she left the message and saw the sad resignation all over her face. aOkay, thatas done. Now letas get you to bed.a She came out with a heavy blanket, sheet, and pillow.
Between them, they made up the couch. aIall keep the fire going for you.a aThanks.a Alana looked around. aI really like this studio. Itas huge.a She walked over to the big picture window that overlooked the lake, watching the moon as it hung low in the sky. aNice view.a aWait.a Toni flipped off the lights. From the fourth floor, Toni had a clear view of Lake Michigan with no obstructions. The moonlight flooded the room.
aVery nice. I like this.a aWait till tomorrow and you see the rising sun on the horizon.a aBeyond the blue horizon,a Alana whispered sadly.
Toni stood next to her and put a gentle arm around her sagging shoulders. aWaits a beautiful day. Itall be beautiful again. I promise.a She placed a small kiss on her head.
For an instant, Allie leaned into her body.
aOkay, off to bed,a Toni whispered and let her go.
aThanks again, Toni. Youare always there for me,a she said honestly.
aThatas the plan, kiddo,a Toni said with a wink. aGood night,a she whispered as Alana crawled under the blanket.
Toni sat on the edge of the couch. aIf you need anything, you give a holler. Right?a aOkay, good night,a Alana whispered tiredly.
aAnd tomorrow, youall tell me what you and Paul talked about if you want.a Toni bent down and kissed her forehead, then walked away.
Alana watched her as she walked into her bedroom. In the darkness, Toni could barely see Alana over the small dividing wall. She heard her walking around, then heard the couch move.
Though she knew Alana was just beyond the small wall, she instantly felt the loss and her heart ached.
She wondered if Alana felt the same. What did Alana ache for? Paul? Toni? Anyone? She wanted to go out to Alana, but she knew she needed to sleep, needed to gather her thoughts. And if Toni knew Alana at all, she knew Alana would be thinking of Jocelyn and Nick and what they would think. Toni thanked G.o.d they were grown.
After seeing Paul with that woman, Alana and Paul would have to make a decision before too long. Tonias stomach clenched with the idea of Alana confronting Paul.
She said a small prayer for Alana and her family as she drifted off to sleep.
Utter bliss and contentment. Thatas what Toni felt when she opened her eyes the next morning. She smelled the fragrance of shampoo and sighed as she wrapped her arm around her pillow, pulling it close to her body.
The phone on her nightstand rang, waking and scaring the c.r.a.p out of her. She bolted up and let out a yelp as Alana bolted up at the same time.
aWhat theaa Toni rubbed her eyes as the phone still rang. She tore her gaze from the stunned look on Alanaas face and answered the phone.
aWhat?a she yelled. aKev. Yes, dinner tonight. Sure, sure. Fine. No, I just woke up. Right, yeah, love you. Right, bye.a aI am so sorry.a Alana scooted off the bed. aI donat even remember coming in here. Christ, Iam sorry.a aDonat be. Itas okay. I was just stunned. Are you okay? I must have been sleeping like a dead woman. I didnat even hear you.a She laughed and ruffled her hair. aIam starving.a Allie raised an eyebrow. aYouare hungry?a Toni bounded out of bed; luckily, she wore something the night before. aYes. Usually when a beautiful woman spends the night in my bed, I feed her, whether she wants it or not.a aHow chivalrous of you.a aThatas just how I roll. Lemme get dressed.a *******
Allie drank her coffee and watched in awe as the waitress placed the large platter in front of Toni.
aSo about last night,a Toni said, b.u.t.tering her toast.
Allie cringed. aIam so sorry.a aYou said that. And thereas no reason to be. You did nothing wrong.a aOh, no, I know. I just felt like I should be able toaa She shrugged.
aHey, this is a traumatic thing. You want to talk anytime about this...a Toni said, digging into the eggs. aWhat do you want to do?a aI want to go away somewhere andaa Alana started, then took a deep breath and continued, aAnd all that would be is running yet again.a aAgain?a Toni asked.
Allie avoided her as she ate her bagel. aIall tell you sometime, but just not right now. Is that okay?a aYou can tell me whatever, whenever. This is a lot for you to handle. Iam here. Thatas all.a aThank you,a Alana said with a sigh. aSo when Paul comes home, Iall confront him with it. I have no idea what will happen next.a aWill you reconcile if he wants to come back?a Alana looked into the gray concerned eyes. aAfter our conversation a few weeks ago, I donat know, but I donat think so. I know Paul. He and I had our problems, and yes, perhaps we should have talked more, perhaps we would have ended it much sooner. I honestly didnat think head go outside our marriage. He and I really need to talk about this.a Toni reached over and took her hand. aYou know Iall be here for you. You need anything, anything at all, you call me. Iam there,a she said seriously.
Inexplicably, Allie reached over and gently placed her hand on Tonias cheek. Toni swallowed hard and blinked. aI know. You donat know what it means to have you in my corner.a Toni smiled and nodded. aI feel the same way, believe me.a She reached up and held on to the hand that touched her cheek. aWeall get you through this. I promise.a aI believe you. Toni, I loaa She stopped and smiled. aI love you. I donat want you to thinkaThereas so much going onaa Toni shook her head. aShh. We donat have to talk about what anything means right now. Letas just get you through this. Camon now. You failed at dinner last night. At least let me eat a good breakfast.a aIam sorry. I donat want to interrupt.a Allie wasnat sure why she just said that to Toni, but she felt better saying it. She knew Toni would understand and be there for her.
For now, that was all that mattered.