Once Aunty left, I start packing up my belongings, it could be said as clear out, however, it was only a small bag, my ident.i.ty cards, cash, mobile phone and left.
Chi Fei Fan obviously have betrayed me. The two men harbour evil intentions, if I want to continue to live here, I’ll be fish meat on the chopping block [1], if I need to disrupt the enemy’s deployment, first I need to get out of the encirclement of the enemy, catch them off guard and strike the enemy when their unprepared.
[1] 人为刀俎，我为鱼肉 Rén Wéi Dāo Zǔ, Wǒ Wéi Yú Ròu: The metaphor refers to a person’s life and death at the hands/powers of others.
It doesn’t matter whether I have this child or not. Thirty-Six Stratagems, fleeing is best [2]
[2] 三十六计，走为上策 Sān Shí Liù Jì, Zǒu Wéi Shàng Cè: Refers to if a person is unable to resist the enemy, to escape is the best policy. When you’re in a helpless situation, there is no other good way, you can only run away.
I slipped sayazi [3].
[3] 撒丫子 Sa Ya Zi: I’m leaving now.
Using romance novels it’s called running with the ball, using Hong Kong film it’s called running away, using drama that this is called running away from home, without saying good-bye.
Chen Mo certainly can not go, I know those two men are not idiots, so they will certainly think of a way to find me. Especially that junior of a high-ranking official Chi Fei Fan, who knows how much ability a junior of high-ranking official may have, according to how romance novels are written they can be all-powerful, there’s was nothing he can’t do, not to mention in terms of finding a person was not a difficult/technical task, so I must fly far and high.
I don’t have much cash, while n.o.body found that I have run away yet, I called Chen Mo and asked him for a loan.
I sitting in the small park waiting for Chen Mo. The weather gradually cool, there weren’t many people in the park, the red leaves in the lake began to turn yellow, I remember that summer evening, when I sat here, and met Lu Yu Jiang.
That day I sat on the bench under a tree, watching him wandering around the lake. Because he is very handsome, I always like observing handsome guys, so I paid attention to him. There was a water-lily in the lake, the fat lotus flower, he walked along the lake with his head lowered, then a little while later, he’ll come back again. I sat on the bench, within an hour, he has made five or six trips around the lake.
In this hour I listen to 10 songs in the MP3, after eating all the gum in my pocket, I also went outside the park and brought an ice cream cone at the convenient store. I haven’t eaten two mouth full of the ice cream cone, when I suddenly saw him stride over the lake’s white marble railings.
Although it was an artificial lake, but the water was very deep here, last year there was cancer patients who jumped into the lake and tried to commit suicide, they were finally saved by a policeman that pa.s.sed by. I did not expect such a handsome young man would be so pessimistic, with great presence of mind in the moment of danger I loudly shouted while hitting him with the ice cream cone.
The result… The result was of course Lu Yu Jiang ablaze with anger and stare at me, covered in ice cream he asked, “What are you doing?”
I very carefully advised him, “Don’t be so pessimistic, you’re still so young, whatever the thing is you can figure out tomorrow! Have a look the water, if you jump in it’ll be more uncomfortable ah, besides a drowned man looks terrible, you’re so handsome, to have an ugly death is not worthwhile.”
He laugh, “Who wants to die? My mobile phone is in there, I want to fetch it, at least reduce the battery pollution.”
This result of this incident was Lu Yu Jiang originally wanted to get his mobile phone, was in a complete mess as I smashed my ice cream cone at him. Most of all he was a rich man who still wanted to live, the clothes on his body even if you sold me it was unable to paid for it.
I forgot how I met him in the panic of chaos, finally I use a clever and an ingratiating manner to convince him in letting me off to pay for his cleaning fee, also finally made him admitted that my intentions are good. The only thing I remember was his black bright eyes, he said, “Oh, I wouldn’t jump in the lake and commit suicide, I can swim.”
Causing me to think he wants to jump in the lake. I made a face at him, “I can’t swim, I was afraid once you jump in I wouldn’t be able to save you, so I just hit you.”
He said, “You think hitting me would stop me from jumping into the lake?”
I was speechless, “Once I hit you, your clothes would be dirty, an ordinary person would definitely follow me to dispute ah, when you’re arguing with me I can pull you up, you also wouldn’t be able to jump into the lake.”
He said, “If a person really wants to die, who will want to dispute with you over dirty clothes?”
Well that is true, but I was in an emergency situation.
I said, “Forget it, I’ll treat you to dinner.”
I don’t expect such a handsome boy would strike up a conversation with someone as low-level as me, but I don’t know why he agree to have dinner with me. Afterwards I found out that day he was in bad mood, so I was just hit with dumb luck.
That day eating braised pork in brown sauce, in my most loved restaurant outside the west side of the school, I eaten a lot, ate until I was bursting full, he also ate a lot. Then he sent me back to the dormitory, I can be overwhelmed by an unexpected favour.
Later I had my intern-ship, I shamelessly to call him, and asked him if he could help me, I didn’t expect him to remember who I was, the results he also really made arrangements for me. So I hit a snake and it crawls up the stick [4], often ask him to eat braised pork in brown sauce, to tell you the truth that I was sick of eating braised pork in brown sauce, but being able to eat with him, no matter what we eat, I was really happy.
[4] 打蛇隨棍上 Dá Sèh Chèuih Gwan Séuhng: To exploit a situation to one’s advantage, to ask for something or something extra by seizing a particular opportunity.
And then, I requested him to teach me how to swim. I didn’t think he will agree, when I was waiting for him to agree, I felt very embarra.s.sed so I took elder sister along with me.
Then, he met my elder sister.
And then, he likes my elder sister.
In the pool, I was swimming laps around the pool, dangling to play in the water, he taught my elder sister. He taught with patience, my elder sister learn seriously, learn to breath, learn to paddle…… My elder sister is very clever, not even half a day she learnt them. He was in front of my elder sister holding her hand, my elder sister would dare to move forward.
My elder sister has white skin, has a good figure, in the swimming pool, she was like a mermaid, and he was the prince holding her hand, two people to swim a circle again and again while those on the side watched with envy.
Subsequently I never learned to swim.
In his words, I was lazy, stupid and not willing to.
When we already got married, at the club’s swimming pool, I comfortably had my arms around his neck, using him to support me floating in the water, “Besides, I have you, even if I don’t learn how to swim I really won’t drown.”
The results he pulled my hand, like a weight, “plop” a sound I started to sink. I clawed and scratched, watching my own head submerging into the blue water light, in any case I was not floating to the top. Drowning made me feel fear and despair, I couldn’t see Lu Yu Jiang, though I knew he was not far from me, but no one came to help me, surrounded by empty water I couldn’t grab onto anything. Sinking deeper and deeper, I constantly choked on water, luckily the lifeguard saved me and pulled me out, I almost choked to death. When I floated to the top Lu Yu Jiang also said, “If you don’t swallow water, how will you learn to swim?”
At the time I felt Lu Yu Jiang didn’t love me at all, he was right beside me, yet he also refused help me up. Then he said he would teach me how to swim, life or death I refused to learn. No matter how he called me stupid, said I was lazy, I just don’t want to have that feeling of drowning. Unable to reach, unable to touch, obviously I knew he was around, but I could never catch him.
Furthermore every time I’m near a swimming pool, I also think of the time he taught my elder sister how to swim. If there is no accident, he and my elder sister should have been a divine couple, rather than me the ugly duckling, crossing a hard beam to grab him.
When I was heart-broken, someone patted me on the shoulder, it startled me. Turning around, it is Chen Mo. He sat down on a bench, and handed me the envelope, inside there was a heavy amount of cash.
Holding the money I said, “Don’t mention it, I will pay you back.”
Chen Mo didn’t ask me what I wanted the money for, he sighed and said, “Jing Zhi, you can’t run for the rest of your life.”
I made a ha ha sound and said, “At present the must important thing is to go fly far and high before discussing further.”
Chen Mo said, “Lu Yu Jiang is crazily looking for you everywhere, he also came to my house. Jing Zhi, I don’t know what happened between you and him, but the way see things it may not be as bad as you think.”
Terrible, I was going to die, can that also not be bad?
I asked: “What did Lu Yu Jiang say, how is that every time you always take love more seriously than friendship?”
He said: “Lu Yu Jiang didn’t say anything, he just asked about your whereabouts. I said I don’t know, he was very disappointed.”
I have not spoken, when Chen Mo suddenly said, “Jing Zhi, have you ever thought about talking this over with Lu Yu Jiang?”
I was taken by surprise, Chen Mo said, “I’ve loved someone before, so I know what it’s like to love a person. Jing Zhi, if I am not wrong, Lu Yu Jiang does love you.”
I was taken aback this phrase, Chen Mo said, “With the way he appears when he was trying to find you, I know, he should love you. I don’t know where you were, I saw the light in his eyes just gradually darken, like a heart turning into ashes.”
I hollow laugh twice, “Sweetheart, you suddenly being so literature, I think I have gooseb.u.mps.”
Chen Mo said, “Why don’t you give yourself a chance, let Lu Yu Jiang set things straight for you?”
What else is there to say, he said he loved me, I know, it is because he pitied me, just like the way he pitied my elder sister, so he said he loved me.
He said, “Jing Zhi, you cannot encounter a problem and run, this is wrong.”
Yes, I’m weak, I’m incompetent, I’m afraid, I fear death, I’m terribly afraid, so afraid that I’ll tremble, when I encounter something I want to escape…… But I really don’t have the courage to face Lu Yu Jiang, I don’t have the courage to look into his eyes, I don’t have the courage to think of things in the future, because I don’t know how long I can live. If I die, let me die alone far away.
So I continued to smile, “Chen Mo, you don’t understand……”
“What don’t I understand?” Chen Mo suddenly turned his head, staring straight into my eyes, “Ye Jing Zhi, I have always regarded you as my friend, so I don’t want to see you make detours, I don’t want you to lose the best things. You obviously know you love him, he also loves you, why do you still need to run?”
I lowered my head, holding the envelope of money, and after a long time, I heard my own voice, “Chen Mo, I don’t have the courage. You know, I really don’t have the courage, he told me you love me, then, you also say so. But I don’t have the courage to believe. It seems like when I was younger, the teacher always said I was stupid, my elder sister said a slow sparrow should make an early start [5], as long as you work hard, you can always get first place. So I worked very hard very hard, I finally got one hundred points, but the teacher said, I must have copied the answer from the same table. Because of my desk mate, also got one hundred points. Only I knew that I didn’t copy, but no one believed me…… Everyone said I copied, in the end, I also could not believe that I got one hundred points on my own……”
[5] 笨鸟先飞 Bèn Niǎo Xiān Fēi: Clumsy birds have to start flying early — the slow need to start early.
“When I was young my mother treated me the best, but she’s not here any more. When I was younger I like the moon. There was a night when the sky was overcast with dark clouds, unable to see the moon, I cried I wanted to find the moon. Finally, my father was sick of the racket so he gave me a slap in the face, I also stop crying. My elder sister secretly told me, the moon is still there, but you can not see, it is behind the clouds, as long as you know it’s behind the clouds that’s enough. My elder sister treated me the best, she will coax me, she will let me act pettish, but my elder sister is not here any more……”
“I love Lu Yu Jiang, but I don’t have the courage.” I looked up, my eyes were dim, perhaps I cried again, I don’t know why I love to cry, I sniffed, “He is one hundred points, I do not believe that I can make it on my own. He is the moon behind the clouds, no matter how noisily I cry saying I want it, maybe it will come out, but maybe just it’ll stay behind the clouds, never come out again. And crying will annoy another, they will just hate me more.”
“I know a lot of people hate me, I’ve always been more furious than him. Hmph, besides I don’t love you. But sometimes I really felt afraid. Elder sister said, the moon is still there, it’s just behind the clouds…… But I once couldn’t see the moon, sometimes I think, is still the moon really there…… it could have already gone away……”
Chen Mo didn’t say anything, he held out his arms and embraced me. I cried until I felt very tired, “Chen Mo, I want to leave here, to a place where n.o.body knows me. I’ve been trying to support myself for so long, I can’t go on further, I have been forcing myself to go on, but I really can’t hold on any longer……”
Chen Mo didn’t say anything, he’s like a sister, patted my back, like patting a child. When I was younger I already wasn’t a child any more, because I have no mother, I had to be like an adult to take good care of myself, and not let my elder sister worry. When my elder sister left me I also wasn’t a child, I must be brave, I must be strong, I don’t want others to look down at me.
Even if I know there’s a small soy bean in my head. I also can not be weak, because in my stomach there’s also little soy bean, fate is forcing me to give it up, I’m struggling to hold on, I do not want to, I want a child, this is my own child. No matter what others think, I still want to hold on. Even if holding on there will be hardship, tiring, there is no one to share the burden with me.
A long time ago I read Kuang Kuang’s [6]《When a woman》[7], the last paragraph is: “All my life I desire/wish to be cherished, to be safely placed, to be tenderly looked after. To free me from fear and suffering. Exempts me from wandering without any reliance. However, that person, I knew, I’ve always knew, he would never come. “
[6] 匡匡 Kuang Kuang is a j.a.panese novelist.
[7] 时有女子 “When a women” is a novel written by Kuang Kuang.
Now it was popular online, anyone on BBS [8] can read it, in literature and art young women used it as references again and again. Who doesn’t know, in the summer of 2003, I saw these words in Sina [9] forum, at that time I read it over and over again, every word was engraved in my heart. I know, I know he would never come. From the mouth into the heart, I knew deeply.
[8] BBS is abbreviation for bulletin board system.
[9] Sina is a Chinese online media company for Chinese communities around the world. Sina operates four major business lines: Sina Weibo, Sina Mobile, Sina Online, and Sina.net. Sina has over 100 million registered users worldwide.
I turned off the webpage, going to the thick English vocabulary. Going through all the blood, sweat, tears and heartache to graduate school, but my father did not give me a smile. Going through all the blood, sweat, tears and heartache to marry Lu Yu Jiang, however, he didn’t love me at all.
No matter how hard I tried, it was in vain. No matter how piteously I beg, fate will never give me good grace.
I just couldn’t hold on any longer.
Chen Mo said, “You go to rest, think of it as a holiday.” He sightly paused as he added, “If there’s any difficulties, call me.”
In this life having Chen Mo as a friend is my greatest blessing.