"What"s the point of being sussed beyond your own understanding?" I challenge. "That doesn"t make sense."
It is great being sober; you can at least spot it when someone starts talking b.o.l.l.o.c.ks. The problem I used to have when I got drunk so often was that I started to confuse being insensible with being invincible. Maybe that"s what I liked about it at first. At least now I"m clear that I"m not invincible; even if knowing this makes me sad.
Ben sits up in the hammock. To do this well, a certain amount of grace and skill is required. Few have this but he does. The hammock sways gently as he leans back on his elbows.
"Look around you, Scott. You"ve said yourself that no one stumbles upon success, you have to earn it, and from where I"m sitting, it appears you are up to your neck in success. You must have some some of the answers." of the answers."
His confidence is touching. He reminds me of Fern, enthusiastic and optimistic I can see why they are such good mates.
"Should I tell you something I"ve worked out?" I ask him. "It"s a secret."
Ben looks excited. I think he"s expecting me to tell him how to achieve eternal life. I lean closer to him and whisper in his ear.
"The truth is success doesn"t exist. At least, not for me. Antic.i.p.ation of success is the best thing there is. It"s not finite, you see. It"s not complete or done with." Ben looks disappointed. He draws away from me sharply, as though I"ve just infected him with more than bad news. I go on. "Success never is is actually. Which should be an exciting thing but turns out to be hugely frustrating. Whereas failure, failure is blocking and choking and everywhere, so that"s no good either." actually. Which should be an exciting thing but turns out to be hugely frustrating. Whereas failure, failure is blocking and choking and everywhere, so that"s no good either."
We stay silent for some moments. Ben pours himself another gla.s.s of champagne. It"s his fourth or fifth this evening, I think. He swallows it down in two gulps.
"Can I ask you something?" he says.
"Ask away."
"Why are you marrying Fern?"
I thought it"d be that. "She"s lovely," I say plainly.
"True, but you"ve met a lot of lovely women. Why her? I only ask because she"s my friend and as you said yourself, she"s lovely. I don"t want to see her "
"Hurt."
"I was going to say crucified. I"m expecting a fatal wounding."
I don"t even pause. "I"m marrying her to capture the US market and because when I"m not doing drugs nothing amazing happens and I"m bored."
The truth sits between us like a ma.s.sive shard of gla.s.s; dangerous, brittle, beautiful.
"I see," says Ben with a deep sigh.
This is an interesting moment. I like to fill my life with as many interesting moments as I can and this is definitely one. It"s dangerous and it"s faulty but it"s also honest.
"Both those things ought to rea.s.sure you," I point out. "If I am to capture the US market I will have to be faithful and fair for a substantial period of time and I don"t plan to do drugs ever again." I flash him my cheeky, winning smile. It never fails. I know he"ll be flattered that we are talking so frankly. He"ll hand me his loyalty on a silver plate. In case he thinks I"m callous, I add, "I plan to do my best by her."
"How good is your best, Scott?"
"In my career, my best is excellent. In my love life, it"s p.i.s.s poor."
"And which is Fern part of?" I can"t answer that. I"m undecided and that lack of clarity is not something either of us can celebrate. "Do you think you are ready to settle down?" he probes.
"Settle down is such a depressing term. I don"t want to settle for anything," I say awkwardly. I still want to rea.s.sure him. "She"s going to be OK, Ben. I"m going to give her what she wants."
"Which is?"
"Marriage, babies, a home. A crack at being extraordinary. I can give her more than she could ever have imagined, even in her wildest dreams. And I don"t just mean clothes and shoes and stuff. I mean the people she"ll meet, the places we"ll travel to. It will blow her mind. I can give her a f.u.c.k of a lot more than she"d ever have got out of Adam, the loser. I"m saving her from a man whose response to an ultimatum, asking for lifelong commitment, was producing a couple of blagged tickets for a gig."
"How do you know about the ultimatum? Did she tell you?"
"No, she doesn"t know I know. She"s never talked to me about it. I guess she doesn"t consider it her finest hour."
"It wasn"t."
"Saadi told me. After Fern delivered her deadline Adam was forever procrastinating with his crew. Everyone working at the Wembley gig knew all about the fact that his girl wanted to get engaged on her birthday. He didn"t deserve her. He"s a loser."
"You know, he isn"t such a loser," says Ben carefully.
"He let her go," I reply firmly.
"How could he have fought you?"
"He could have acted before she"d even met me."
Ben pauses, then sighs and says, "He had. He"d bought a house."
"What?" That"s news.
Ben looks agitated, torn. "She doesn"t know. I never told her. I"ve often wondered whether I should have but what would the point be now? I only know because Adam let it slip the day before her birthday. He wanted it to be a big surprise. His plan was to take her there after the Friday night gig. He had the keys; he was going to do the whole carrying her over the threshold thing. Get down on one knee in the kitchen. But instead, he stayed late to work on the light sequence and when he got home they argued about you singing "Happy Birthday". It was all such lousy timing. He"d bought the house before her ultimatum. He was just arsing about when he said he didn"t know how or whether to commit. He was trying to keep the surprise. Poor b.u.g.g.e.r."
"f.u.c.k."
"Yeah. That"s what he thought."
57. Fern
The lawyer spends hours trying to explain to me the ins and outs of the weighty tome. It"s very dull but she rea.s.sures me that I am getting a generous deal. After only two years" marriage or the production of a baby, whichever is sooner, I have a good chance of walking away with half Scott"s enormous fortune. The lawyer seems really happy with the arrangement. I mumble that if she"s so happy with it then perhaps she should sign it.
"Oh, don"t be silly, Ms d.i.c.kson. This is a marvellous contract. Drawn up by the industry"s finest but very fair. No need to be petulant. You"re marrying a very generous man."
"And he can prove his generosity when he divorces me," I mutter sulkily.
"Providing you"re faithful," she cautions.
I haven"t asked a single question but suddenly one drops from the sky. "What about his fidelity?"
"If you look at page 92, clause 13.4, subsection 6, item 2, addendum 3, you"ll note that his infidelity is covered."
"Covered? In what way?"
"In so much as his infidelity is recognized as grounds for divorce but you would not receive any extra recompense, over and above that stated on pages 45 to 71, with particular reference to clauses 17 to 17.9, subsections 4.2 to 4.7."
"In English?"
"I think your fiance"s lawyers are antic.i.p.ating infidelity."
"Antic.i.p.ating it?" I can"t keep the shock out of my voice. it?" I can"t keep the shock out of my voice.
"At least acknowledging that it"s a very real possibility and therefore they"re not prepared to offer you extra compensation if that were indeed the case. But, as I say, the divorce terms are particularly generous anyway so you have little to worry about."
Right.
"The important thing to remember is that you don"t get a penny if you ever talk about any aspect of your relations.h.i.+p to the press. That"s covered in multiple clauses. That"s watertight."
As if I would. How can Scott think that of me? I pick up the hefty contract and as much of my dignity as I can sc.r.a.pe off the floor and go to find Mark.
He"s in the second reception room. It"s one of my favourite rooms; south-facing, it"s always warm and bright. It"s definitely sunnier than my mood. Exasperated, I demand, "Can you explain page 92, clause 13.4, subsection 6, item oh, you know what I"m talking about."
Mark, Saadi and Joy look up from their work. They"re pawing over press cuttings. Every magazine and paper in the western world finds the wedding plans fascinating. There are bets running on the number of bridesmaids I"m having (ten; including three of Scott"s celeb friends I haven"t yet met), the colour they"ll be wearing (pink, although I haven"t told Jess that yet). Tabloids are battling to discover where the wedding is going to take place but the venue is top secret. Everyone who knows anything is under contract embargoing any discussion with the press; even revealing a detail as small as what we"ll be pouring is a sackable offence. Mark predicted that the secrecy would guarantee the most lucrative media deal and the most hype. He"s right on both counts but I"m still struggling to understand why either thing matters to our wedding.
Mark stares at me and then turns to Saadi.
"The infidelity clause," she prompts. Why am I not surprised she"d know the finer details of the pre-nup by heart?
"Oh, yeah. Well, that had to be included for obvious reasons."
"Obvious reasons?" I ask. I hope my voice isn"t as shaky as my legs; I"m practically dancing a jig.
"Don"t get us wrong. We adore Scott and want him to be happy. We"d like to believe that the pair of you will last for ever. But..."
He leaves the "but" hanging in the air. It"s d.a.m.ning enough to have sucked all the pleasure out of the day. I"m unsure who he means by "us". The record company, the band members, Scott"s mum? I have no idea, but I suddenly feel weighed down by the sense that there is a silent army behind Scott and no one in my corner. It shouldn"t matter. We"re not at war. But it does matter. I stay silent and Mark is forced to fill in the gap.
"Well, you know how it is. Scott gets infatuated with things. With people. Spellbound almost. We"ve seen it before. And then there"s the danger he might act on that infatuation. We"re just protecting him against any possible indiscretions he might succ.u.mb to."
Mark, to his credit, sounds embarra.s.sed that he has to tell me this. I"ve never seen Mark stirred before. It depresses me that he gives this subject so much weight.
"It"s nothing to be worried about. Even when he does act " Mark struggles to find the right word " imprudently, then the interest dries up quickly enough. On average his obsessions last twenty-four hours."
"We"re all stunned that you"ve lasted a month," says Joy b.i.t.c.hily.
I shoot her a filthy look and turn back to Mark. His gaze bounces around the room, resting on the drapes, the rug, the smooth obelisk ornaments; anywhere other than me. To date, I"ve been overwhelmed by the tastefulness of all that I am surrounded by. Now the room looks vulgar. It is quiet and the sun beats through the windows; I feel suffocated.
"Even if I accept that Scott has fallen prey to these fleeting obsessions in the past, what we have is quite different. What we have is called love," I say firmly.
Mark stands up and walks towards me. Awkwardly he puts both his hands on my shoulders and faces me. It"s the first time I can remember him deliberately touching me. It ought to be a comfort but it"s not.
"I"m not saying he wants to have s.e.x with anyone else, right now." Well, that"s a relief since he isn"t even having s.e.x with me yet. "I"m saying somewhere along the line he might want to. s.e.x is just another compulsion for him. He can"t really help himself."
"I think you"re wrong," I say, struggling to sound calm.
Mark shrugs. I get the feeling he doesn"t much care what I think. "But if I am right and he does stray and you get fed up, well, he"s my boy. I have to look out for him."
Where is Scott? It never crossed my mind to go and discuss my worries about this contract with him him. That"s odd. That"s not right. I think it"s because he stayed absolutely silent when the lawyers presented the pre-nup. No matter what I asked him, he played dumb. So now I"ve come to Mark, hoping he can sort it out, explain it, tidy it away. After all, that"s what Mark does.
I was quickly made aware that there are a number of people who put themselves between Scott and me and I"ve co-operated when necessary, but I"d always a.s.sumed hoped they"d fade away as I settled into my life in LA. I realize the opposite has happened; their influence seems to have spread and stained like billows of blood after a shark"s bite. It"s wrong. It"s all wrong.
"And if I don"t agree to sign this?" I ask.
"Well, that"s your right," replies Mark. "You can say that you don"t want a pre-nup and that you want to go into this marriage with as much hope and as little chance as every other bride does." I nod, ferociously confirming this is indeed my wish. Mark shrugs, pauses and then adds, "But he might not go ahead. He might not want to marry you if he knows you can embarra.s.s him in public, perhaps ruin him. He"s been damaged enough by the media. He might not want to take that risk."
I feel as though I"ve just been dropped into a bag of spiders as every hair on my body stands up tall. I can"t can"t lose him. I lose him. I can"t can"t. Scott has become my everything. His world is my world. I love it. I love him; everyone does. I am the luckiest girl on the planet. Everyone from Ben to Amanda Amberd says so. Lisa thinks I should sign. Fiona thinks I should sign. Even Rick thinks I should.
I look at Mark and try to weigh up whether he is a dependable conduit of communication or whether he"s as much good as the "telephones" Fiona and I used to make as kids. We would tie a couple of paper cups together with a piece of string, run in opposite directions until the string was taut and then bellow to one another. The message never carried around corners and all subtleties were lost.
Mark smiles at me. I don"t respond. He shrugs at me; it seems a more truthful gesture.
"OK, I"ll sign it," I say wearily.
What choice do I have? I just want to get out of the room.
58. Scott
Fern and I haven"t rowed but I"ve been on the receiving end of an inevitable low-grade sulk since Mark first introduced her to the lawyers. It"s to be expected, all very normal, all very predictable, but somehow, the fact that she is behaving as expected is disappointing to me. She"s not extraordinary then. She"s like all the other hundreds of women I"ve met. When I say this to Mark he sighs, "I hope to G.o.d you are right, son."
"What do you mean?"
"I"m counting on the fact that she"s as weak and malleable as every other b.u.g.g.e.r. The last thing we need now is an autonomous philosophy emerging; that could only lead to trouble. In fact, I think you need to go and apply a band-aid. Do a bit of fussing and soothing, make her feel better about everything. Loved up. The most important thing here is that she remains head over heels about you."
"I hope you"re not suggesting that"s in any doubt," I say huffily.
"No lad, I"m not. She was half in love with you before she met you. You saw the postcard pinned to her staff-room wall. I spotted the photo of her with your waxwork when I was scouring her alb.u.ms."
Mark isn"t going to say what we both know; being half in love with the image image of me is quite different from being totally and absolutely in love with the of me is quite different from being totally and absolutely in love with the real real me. Pretty much everyone on the planet is the first; my mum is the only absolute definite in the second camp. me. Pretty much everyone on the planet is the first; my mum is the only absolute definite in the second camp.
"We don"t want to f.u.c.k this up, Scott, not when we"re so close and we"ve all worked so hard," adds Mark, warily.
"OK, OK, I"ll go and sweet-talk her."