Why can"t he be?
I"m lifted into Ty"s arms again, placed in the backseat of my car, and I must doze off because the next thing I know, Ty has lifted me once more and he"s carrying me up some stairs and laying me on a bed.
"I"ll be back," Lo says as Ty covers me up and sits at my hip, brushing my hair away from my face.
"Talk to me, princess. What happened? Should I call Zack?"
"No," I whisper. "Zack isn"t speaking to me."
His hand stills in my hair. "Why?"
I shake my head and clench my lips together, but the sob comes anyway. I can"t talk about it yet. I want to sleep.
Suddenly, someone is wiping my face with a cool, wet washcloth. It feels heavenly, and makes me even sleepier.
"Sleepy," I whisper.
"Go to sleep, Jilly." Ty kisses my forehead. I can hear the concern, the frustration in his voice, and I want to open my eyes and tell him everything, but I can"t.
All I can do is sleep.
There"s a cat lying on my back, purring, digging his claws into my shoulder in rhythmic little pushes. I roll to my side, pushing him off, and turn my head to open one eye, but it"s swollen shut and crusty. Jesus Christ, did I get punched in the face?
"Here"s a fresh washcloth." Lo"s soft voice comes from beside me, and it all comes back again. The baby, Zack, Ty and Lo showing up at my place and bringing me home with them, and I feel the tears start again. "Oh, honey, don"t cry."
She presses the washcloth against my forehead and brushes it over my eyes and cheeks. I take it from her and wipe my eyes clean, then struggle to open them. It"s dark outside now. My head is pounding with the biggest headache of my life and my mouth is dry.
"Can I have some water?" I ask.
"There"s a bottle right here, along with some Advil."
"I can"t have Advil," I reply as I sit up and sip the water.
"Really?" She asks with knowing eyes, but I don"t want to tell her. Not yet.
I shake my head and wince at the pain that comes with it. I lower myself back to the bed and take a long, deep breath.
"Where"s Ty?"
"Downstairs making soup. He doesn"t know what to do with himself, so he thought he"d make you some soup for when you wake up."
A few seconds later, Ty enters the room quietly, walks around to the other side of the bed, and sits on it cross-legged, watching me closely.
"Talk to me, princess."
"I"m pregnant." My voice is hollow.
"That"s awesome!" Lo exclaims and takes my hand in hers.
Ty holds my gaze in his, his face sober, and I feel tears gather again.
"Why were you at my house?"
"We came by to say hi. Brought dessert. We could hear your smoke alarm from the driveway."
I nod and frown, glance down at my hands.
"He left me."
"What happened?"
I shrug one shoulder and wipe my eyes with the washcloth still in my hand. "I thought my cycles were off again." I hiccup and Lo offers me more water. "I dealt with infertility issues for a long time." I quickly fill Lo in on my history with my ex. "So I made an appointment with Hannah for today, thinking I just needed to get some meds and I"d be on track again."
My hands shake as I push them through my hair.
"But I"m pregnant." I start to laugh at the absurdity of it all, and once I start I can"t stop. "Seriously? Pregnant."
It"s hilarious to me all of a sudden.
"I took medication that made me throw up, get hot flashes, caused mood swings to rival those of an unmedicated schizophrenic, and I gave myself shots in my own a.s.s for years to get pregnant. Years!" I laugh some more and wipe my eyes with the cloth. "And now that I"m happily divorced, and things are going well, and I finally came to grips with the fact that I"d never have kids, here I am. Pregnant."
"What happened next, Jill?" Ty pulls my hands from my face and pins me in his stare. "When we found you, your house was about to burn down and you were unresponsive on the floor."
"Zack came over for dinner," I whisper. "I knew he"d be surprised, and maybe a little apprehensive, but . . ." I shake my head and take a deep breath, feeling the tears gather again.
f.u.c.k, my emotions are all over the d.a.m.n place.
"But?"
"But he was angry. He thinks I did it on purpose."
"What the f.u.c.k?" Ty exclaims, but I grip his hand in mine and hold on tight.
"I need you to leave it be, Ty."
"Like h.e.l.l! What the f.u.c.k is his problem?"
"He"s scared," Lo says, and shakes her head. "It"s scared him."
"He spent seven years in a war zone, Lo," I reply dryly. "Nothing scares him."
"That"s not true," Ty replies. "She"s right. You scared the s.h.i.t out of him, Jilly."
I scowl at both of them.
"Well, that"s ridiculous."
Ty"s shaking his head as he thinks it over. "No, it"s not. Given his past with Kensie, he"s gotta be wrestling with some demons right now."
Holy f.u.c.k.
"I didn"t even think about Kensie." I cover my face again and feel the tears fall down my cheeks. "I was so excited that I finally got pregnant, and that it"s with Zack, that I didn"t even think about that b.i.t.c.h and how they started together."
"Well, I can see that-" Lo begins but I interrupt her as anger shoots through me.
"But regardless, the things he said . . ." I shake my head, knowing in my heart I can"t forgive him. "He was out of line. I can"t be with someone who would speak to me like that. The way he looked at me . . ." I shake my head again. "No."
"What aren"t you telling me?" Ty asks quietly.
"It doesn"t matter. Don"t go to him, please, unless you"re going as a friend. I don"t want you to beat him up or try to make it right. Leave it be, Ty. I can do this alone."
"f.u.c.k that . . ."
"I mean it." I grip his hand in mine and hold his gaze. "For me."
"Zack will come around in a few days and he"ll make it up to you, Jill." Lo"s voice is strong and sure, but I just shake my head.
It"s too late.
CHAPTER.
Seventeen.
ZACK.
"Maybe Jill can come over today and we can go snowmobiling again," Seth says with a smile. He was supposed to stay the whole night with Josiah, but there was a family emergency and I had to go pick him up at three in the morning.
Not that I was asleep anyway.
"Jill"s not coming over today," I say gruffly, not meeting his eyes. How the f.u.c.k do I tell my kid that the woman we both fell in love with isn"t coming back?
"Oh. Well, maybe she can come over tonight and we can make her dinner and watch a movie."
"Jill isn"t going to be coming over anymore, Seth." My voice is hard and angry as the truth of the words. .h.i.ts me full force.
Seth"s head snaps up and he"s looking at me like I"m crazy.
"Jill and I aren"t seeing each other anymore."
"What did you do?" he whispers.
"It"s not that simple," I begin, but Seth"s cheeks redden and he slams his spoon back into his cereal bowl, splashing milk on the table.
"WHAT DID YOU DO?" he yells. "Jill wouldn"t leave us unless you did something to f.u.c.k it up!"
"Watch your mouth!" I yell back.
"No!" Tears form in his eyes, but he firms his chin, refusing to let me see how devastated he is, and I feel the same devastation all over again. I lay in bed all night, struggling with the knowledge that the woman I love deceived me.
"Seth." I take a deep breath and try to stay calm. "Sometimes things just don"t work out."
There"s no way in h.e.l.l I"m going to tell him about the baby yet. He"ll find out soon enough.
One step at a time.
"She loves us," he insists and wipes angrily at a tear that"s escaped his eye. "She"s the only one who"s ever loved us! And you made her go away!"
"Seth . . ."
"No." He shakes his head and stands up from the table, glaring at me. "You need to fix this."
"There is no fixing it," I reply with frustration. "It is what it is, Seth. I"m sorry you"re disappointed . . ."
"You better fix it!" He advances and pushes me, square in the chest, knocking me back a step. "Whatever you did wrong, just say you"re sorry. Jill will forgive you."
But I don"t know if I can forgive Jill.
"I love her, Dad." He fists his hands at his sides. "She belongs here, with us. Why did you have to screw it up? Why do you have to make everything so d.a.m.n hard?"
Before I can say anything else, he runs from the room, Thor running after him. He grabs his boots and coat and runs out back toward the barn.
f.u.c.k.
Going after him won"t do any good.
My head is pounding, and f.u.c.k me, my heart hurts. How could she play me like that? How the f.u.c.k did I fall for it again?
Yesterday, when Jill said she was pregnant, I heard Kensie"s voice, saw her face, saying the same thing thirteen years ago, and watching my world fall apart around me. Kensie had smirked, pleased with herself for cornering me exactly where she wanted me. She"d told me she was on the pill, and I was a stupid eighteen-year-old kid who believed her.
Because I was thinking with my d.i.c.k.
And if I"m honest, I was thinking with my d.i.c.k with Jill too. Jesus, she"s f.u.c.king beautiful. But she"s more than that.