Would she have done this deliberately? Did she deserve all the s.h.i.t I flung at her yesterday while it felt like I"d been sliced open and my guts poured all over the floor?
Probably not.
I glance around the kitchen and flinch.
I wanted to remodel the rest of this house with her. Give her anything she wanted. Make a life with her.
But on my own terms and in my own f.u.c.king time.
I punch the wall and curse a blue streak before grabbing my own coat and heading out to the barn.
"Gonna talk about it?" Dad asks as he shovels fresh hay into the stall next to mine.
"About what?" I ask curtly.
"About why you and Seth are both moping around here today and acting like bears with burrs stuck up their a.s.ses," he replies and leans on the shovel, watching me closely.
"Nothin" to say."
"Bulls.h.i.t." He narrows his eyes and shakes his head. "Must be about Jilly."
I shrug one shoulder with a jerk and keep my eyes trained on the hay on the floor.
"You f.u.c.k up?" he asks point-blank.
"No, she did."
I look up to find his eyebrows raised in surprise.
"She"s pregnant."
"That"s great," he replies soberly.
"No," I say calmly. "It isn"t." I keep my eyes on my dad, suddenly feeling confused and unsure about everything. "Is it?"
"Well, why wouldn"t it be?"
"She told me couldn"t get pregnant. I believed her. Just like I believed Kensie."
"Stop that bulls.h.i.t right now. You"re not a boy this time around, and Jill is not Kensie, son." He tosses the shovel aside and walks over to me, claps me on the shoulder. "A baby is always a blessing. Your mother and I waited twelve long years after we married to be blessed with you boys. Six miscarriages."
The door to the barn suddenly swings open violently and Ty, looking p.i.s.sed as f.u.c.k, comes running straight for me.
"You son of a b.i.t.c.h." Suddenly, I"m pinned against the barn wall, and a fist makes contact with my left cheek, sending my head reeling back.
"What the f.u.c.k?"
"You f.u.c.king a.s.shole," Ty growls. "I told you what I"d do if you hurt her."
I glance over at Dad, but he just has his arms crossed over his chest, watching us with interest.
"Look," I begin, but Ty takes another shot at my jaw this time, sending stars swirling over my head. "Let go of me."
"No," he snarls. "You weren"t the one holding my sister all night while she cried, you piece of s.h.i.t."
My eyes snap up to his and I swear under my breath. "No, I was up all night dealing with the fact that the woman I f.u.c.king love lied to me!"
"She didn"t f.u.c.king lie to you!"
He backs away, releasing my coat, and I rub my aching jaw. I can feel my left eye beginning to swell.
"Jesus, is pounding your fists on someone the only way you know to deal with s.h.i.t?" I ask cruelly. "I can"t imagine that goes over well in a courtroom."
"f.u.c.k you," he spits. "You know"-he shakes his head and paces away, then turns around and glares at me-"I thought you"d come to your senses and at least call her, try to work things out, but when I finally dropped her off at her place this afternoon and you still hadn"t tried to contact her, I decided you needed a come-to-Jesus talk. So here it is."
"I don"t need your s.h.i.t-" I begin but my dad shakes his head and points to the metal chair in the corner.
"Have a seat, son."
"I"ll stand."
"Well, get comfortable, "cause I"m about to tell you one h.e.l.l of a story," Ty warns. "Did you know that Jill tried to get pregnant for five years?"
"She said she"s infertile."
"Shut your mouth and listen, a.s.shole. Jesus, you"d test the patience of a saint, and that"s one thing I certainly am not."
Dad smirks but keeps quiet as he watches Ty pace.
"She went through h.e.l.l. Meds. Surgeries. Procedures. And that"s just the physical s.h.i.t, man. Five years of shooting herself in the a.s.s every day. And her a.s.shole of an ex-husband was just . . . worthless."
He shakes his head in disgust and spits on the floor. "Long story short, it never worked. She didn"t even miscarry, she just never got pregnant." He shrugs as if it"s a mystery, and I just watch him quietly. I already know this part.
"And then one day she came home from work to find her husband f.u.c.king his secretary in their bed."
My jaw drops. Dad swears under his breath and paces away.
"What?"
"Oh, she didn"t tell you that part, did she? She didn"t tell anyone for a long time. It embarra.s.sed her." He scrubs his hands through his hair. "f.u.c.king embarra.s.sed her. That"s why she tossed him out on his a.s.s. Not for ignoring her for the better part of their marriage, or the s.h.i.tty things he"d say to her, or the way he"d belittle her in front of her coworkers. Things she should have left him for before the ink was dry on their marriage license. No, it took getting caught in bed with another woman for her to kick his a.s.s to the curb. Then," he continues, on a roll, and all I can do is watch him, struck dumb, "the day before the Fourth of July, she finds out that the new wife-oh yeah, did I mention he married her two days after their divorce was final?-is pregnant."
I can"t speak. I am consumed with so much anger and shame, I don"t know what to do with myself.
"So she came home because she needed us. All of us. She moved on from that s.h.i.tty time in her life. She"d dealt with the fact that she couldn"t have kids, and she fell in love with you and your kid, and she was happier than I have ever seen her.
"Until Lo and I went to her house and found her in a tiny ball on the living room floor."
"What?" I roar. "Is she okay? What the f.u.c.k? Why didn"t you call me?"
"She told me not to!" he yells back. "She was a mess because of you!"
"Ty, she told me she couldn"t get pregnant."
"She didn"t think she could!"
I lean against the barn wall and stare at the man I consider a brother, then glance over at my dad, spotting Josh leaning against the barn door as well. I have no idea how long he"s been listening.
"Sounds like you have some apologizing to do," Josh mutters.
I hang my head with a long sigh, suddenly more exhausted than I"ve been in my life.
"It was like deja vu," I mutter. "While Jill was telling me about her appointment at the doctor, I just saw Kensie in my head, thirteen years ago, and I reacted like a complete p.r.i.c.k. I felt like she"d betrayed me, and I was being trapped all over again."
"That"s not Jill," Ty replies. "She"ll raise that baby by herself if she needs to. She wouldn"t accept a proposal from you right now if you crawled across hot coals with the Hope Diamond."
"I f.u.c.ked up."
"That"s an understatement," Dad says and watches me with sober eyes. "You know, son, when you came home last summer, I worried about you. How you"d deal with Seth. How being at war for so long would affect you." He shakes his head and offers me a smile. "But you"re the best father I"ve seen. I couldn"t be prouder of the man you are, especially when you"re with your boy. The effects of war seem to be lessening with time, although I know you"ll always grieve for the boys you lost over there. But it seems to me, you have more PTSD from Kensie than you do from anything else."
"I . . ." G.o.d, what have I done?
"You were a boy then, like I said before. You"re not now. Jill isn"t Kensie. And she"s been nothing but wonderful to both you and Seth. So, what are you going to do?"
"I"m going to grovel." I walk past Ty and pause, looking him in the eye. "I"m going to make it right."
"See that you do."
I ring her doorbell for the third time and finally just bang on the door with my fist.
"Jill, I know you"re in there!"
I listen for any sign of movement inside and when there still isn"t any, I find her spare key under the ugly gnome on the porch and unlock the door.
"Jill?"
Nothing.
Her car is in the driveway. The lights in the living room and kitchen are off, but I can hear voices from her bedroom.
Who the h.e.l.l is in her room with her? I march down the hall and fling open her bedroom door to find the television on, one of the New Year"s Eve countdown shows on the screen, and Jill sitting up in bed with chips, ice cream, and cookies spread around her.
"What the f.u.c.k are you doing here?" she demands angrily.
"You didn"t answer the door."
"I didn"t hear it."
I glance back at the TV and smile. "Obviously."
She jerks up out of the bed, dressed only in an oversize T-shirt, and moves to walk past me. When I reach out to touch her, she jerks away, hands up as if in surrender.
"Don"t f.u.c.king touch me."
Punch to the gut.
She glares at me and walks quickly out of her bedroom to the living room, flipping on lights along the way.
"I don"t want you in my bedroom."
"Look, Jilly, I"m here to apologize."
"Good." She crosses her arms over her chest and watches me with an impa.s.sive face, but her cheeks are red and her eyes look gla.s.sy. "Who beat the s.h.i.t out of you?"
"Ty," I reply. "He came out to see me today."
"I told him not to do that, but you deserve that black eye. I wish I"d been the one to give it to you."
"I"m sorry for the way I reacted yesterday, sugar. You didn"t deserve that."
"I didn"t lie to you."
"I know that now." I swallow hard and rub my hand over my mouth. "It was a shock and it knocked me on my a.s.s."
"Good to know how you handle surprises. Remind me never to throw you a surprise party."
"I deserve that." I look at her longingly. f.u.c.k, I want to pull her into my arms and hold her tight. "I love you, sugar."
"No." Her voice is loud and strong and her eyes are on fire. "You will not say that to me. You lost that right yesterday."
I frown and shove my hands in my pockets to keep from reaching for her.
"I don"t need anyone who speaks to me the way you did yesterday."
"I was an idiot," I insist. "Jill, you need to know that it was a mirror image of what happened when Kensie got pregnant."
"No," she says again. "It"s not. I"m not that woman. This baby"-she points to her flat stomach-"is not Seth."
"You have to understand-"
"And frankly, that"s all bulls.h.i.t anyway. No matter what happened in your past, it"s not okay for you ever to speak to me or anyone else like that. You have an issue with your ex-wife? Take it up with her. I"m not your punching bag."
"You have to understand-" I try again.
"I understand," she interrupts. "I get it, Zack. I"m not a moron. After the initial shock wore off and I could think clearly, I understood your reaction."
I sigh in relief, but before I can say anything, she continues.
"But it doesn"t excuse you. I understand you, but I can"t trust you. I"ll survive without you."