I nodded my head as my heart pounded in my chest and my s.e.x literally gushed around him. Harder and harder he thrust, my b.r.e.a.s.t.s bouncing up and down as he continued working me. "I love you Spence. I"ll always love you, so f.u.c.king much."
I screamed his name over and over as my s.e.x tightened up around him, and I felt myself explode. It was the strongest o.r.g.a.s.m I"d ever had, the connection amazing and absolute. The contractions in my s.e.x kept my o.r.g.a.s.m rolling on and on, my body rigid beneath him as he thrust like a mad man. With one last powerful thrust, he pumped everything he had left into me with a tortured yell.
We were both done after that, but we stayed together for a long time, my legs wrapped around his waist, arms around his shoulders. Eventually, the heat of all our loving dissipated, and I shivered underneath him. He pulled out with a groan, rolling onto his back. He had the presence of mind to pull the pillow out from under me. I watched through eyes that were at half-mast as he stood up and retrieved the comforter from the floor. After putting it on the bed, he pulled it over both of us before pulling me into his arms.
"I"m going to stay until you fall asleep and then I"ll go. I can"t say goodbye, so I"m not going to. I love you Delilah, more than anything and I always will. We might not be able to be together, but I"d die for you angel. I"m always here if you need anything, and I always will be."
After telling him that I loved him too, I cried myself to sleep in his arms. It wasn"t a deep sleep, and I felt when he kissed my shoulder, felt when he put his face in my hair and took a deep breath, felt his breath on my face when he kissed my lips. I heard the catch in his breath, heard his sniffle and I knew he was trying not to cry himself. I stayed silent until the moment I heard the front door close and lock, and then I started crying all over again.
I stayed in the bed like that, only getting up to drink soda and go to the bathroom, for the next three days. I called out sick to work on Monday and Tuesday, but Wednesday I knew I had to go in.
I"d spent three days telling my family that I was sick, and I think the only reason it worked was because Dominique was busy with Tally, Dante was busy with Sabrina, and Damien and Brooke were finally together. He"d taken her away for the week, and I guess that everyone was so happy that those two were finally happy that n.o.body noticed that I was miserable. Dante and Dominique both fought with me about coming over, but I told them that I was fine, just running a low-grade fever.
Chapter Eighteen: Spencer
Leaving Delilah"s that night was the hardest thing I"ve ever done. It hurt more than anything I"d ever had to do before, and to this moment I"m really not exactly sure how I did it. I"d woken up that morning so full of hope and love, but when I left her house, I had less than half a heart left and no hope at all.
A big part of me wanted to give her what she wanted, just so that I could keep her forever. It was only when I realized how much of a selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d that would make me that I put the brakes on that line of thoughts. Sure, I could agree to have children. But it would be beyond cruel of me to saddle her with me as the father of her children. She"d lose all respect and love for me the second she realized that I didn"t have a f.u.c.king clue about how to be a parent.
It"s s.h.i.tty to be around people who are so sickeningly happy when I"m so miserably f.u.c.king sad. I didn"t sleep at all on Sunday. Instead, I sat on my couch and thought about Delilah. I spent hours remembering a million different things about her, wishing that things could be different.
No matter how much I love Delilah, I"m both unwilling and unable to have children. I"ve always known that I don"t want them. The idea is so abhorrent to me that it makes me ill. I"m not cut out to be a father, and I know it. I sure as s.h.i.t didn"t have a good role model. The closest I"ve ever come to having a father figure is Dante. Everything I learned about being a good person came from him.
I know Dante, and I don"t think for one second that he wouldn"t be appalled by the idea of the Cross and Hart DNA mixing. The chance that we would have a child that would have characteristics of any of our parents is repellant. A child with that big of a deck stacked against them would need a good parent, not someone like me.
I"m a d.a.m.n fool for not realizing long before now that Delilah would want children. She"s the kindest and most loving person that I know. Of course she wants to be a mother. I have no doubt that it"s a job she will excel at.
Seeing her with someone else is going to kill me, but I can"t give her what she needs. My plan is to gradually pull away from Delilah until she"s not bothered by it anymore. Then I"ll transfer to one of the other branches, and that will be that. The fact that I"ll wind up good old Uncle Spencer is going to be a s.h.i.tty enough cross to bear, without having to add proximity to the equation.
She"s due back at work today, and I know she hasn"t called out. I"ll do my best to avoid her, but I"m going to peek in at her at some point. She doesn"t have to see me for me to ascertain that she"s alright.
Dominique breezed into my office just after ten, plopping down in front of my desk. "Damien called in. He says that you and I need to head on out to the Century City build and take a look at penthouse suite 4a. He thinks the builders are reading your plans wrong, and he wants us to re-measure it and map it out according to your schematics."
I got up from the desk and grabbed my laptop bag. Nonchalantly, I looked at her and asked if Delilah was back at work. She was so busy answering a text from Tally that she didn"t spare me a second glance when she said, "Yep, she"s downstairs at her desk. I can tell she"s still a little under the weather still, but other than that she"s alright."
I"ve been out of my mind with worry about Delilah, but I knew she needed time alone without me. I know that she"s okay; only because she responded to my texts asking if she was with a yes, and now Dominique is confirming that to be true. How the f.u.c.k did we get here? I can"t even go to her and show concern.
I walked past Dominique as she continued texting, hoping that she didn"t see how sad I was. She never said a word, so I a.s.sume that she didn"t. We spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon in Century City, painstakingly going over every inch of the s.p.a.ce. It wasn"t easy to find the issue, but eventually Dominique found the problem. I couldn"t help but to be proud of her, so pleased with the woman that she"s turned into.
She asked me to stop for a late lunch, and we wound up at a bistro that she loves. As sad as I am, it"s nice to spend time with Dominique. She"s like a sister, and I adore her. I"ve always been able to separate her from Delilah. When I look at Dominique, I see her, not Delilah. They"re identical, unless you know them. Once you do, it"s so obvious it"s insane.
I struggled to keep up with her as she talked, filling me in on her life. I was worried about her earlier this year when she was so unhappy, but now she"s overflowing with happiness. It"s a complete one eighty, and I"m happy for her.
"So Damien texted me this morning and he"s going all in with Brooke. He says as soon as they get home he"s going to have an engagement ring made. He"s already set up a time to ask Sabrina for her hand officially, even though she already knows to expect it. Can you imagine? In five weeks my Dante will be married, and Damien will be engaged! You"re next."
I sputtered all over that one. "No. I"m never getting married, never getting into a relationship."
She took that in for a moment before responding. "Then it"s elephant in the room time. You"re telling me that you"ve got no more feelings for my sister? I"ve seen you two together. Yeah, it was two years ago, but I know love when I see it. I was p.i.s.sed at you for a long time after that, because you went right back to being a f.u.c.king idiot. But things are different now. Everyone is settling down, so why shouldn"t you?"
My thoughts were all over the place on how to answer. Eventually, I settled on the truth. "That"s not going to happen, Dominique. I"ll always love your sister more than anyone else in the world, without a doubt. But she wants a different life than I do. We would never work out. It"s better that we stay friends."
She looked miffed by that statement. "Wait, what do you mean you want a different life? Are you saying you couldn"t be faithful? Jesus, Spence! That"s f.u.c.ked up!"
I raised my hands in surrender. "No! That"s not what I"m saying at all. If I was with your sister, it would only ever be her. I don"t even see other women when she"s in the room, Dominique. Honestly, even when she"s not around, I really don"t see them. Other women are just kind of there. Your sister... she"s got my entire heart and she always will. It"s hers. The issue is that she wants children, and I"m not open to that at all. We"re both very firm on that issue in our different ways, and it"s not negotiable for either of us."
Shaking her head, she stared at me. "I get that it"s a good reason. G.o.d knows, if people like our parents had discussed that BEFORE they had children that they hated... The five of us were lucky that we had each other. Without you and my brothers, Delilah and I wouldn"t be here today. That"s why I don"t get why you don"t want to have children. You"re one of the best protectors and providers I know. I swear that you were born to be a father."
I all but gaped at her. s.h.i.t, maybe I actually did gape. I don"t see myself as being fatherly at all. Not even a little bit.
"I appreciate you saying that Dominique, but the truth is... I"d never want to be a father. I have no idea what good parenting would look like. People learn what they live. My father was a monster. I would never bring a life into the world with that kind of s.h.i.t hanging over my head. I"m just lucky that I grew up as something other than a monster myself."
She was shaking her head at me in obvious disagreement. "That wasn"t luck, Spence. You made it in spite of your parents because you"re an amazing human being. I feel the same way about my brothers. We all made it through the s.h.i.t, but the three of you bore the brunt of the insanity. I"ve been talking to Tally about this quite a bit actually, and we"re thinking that someday we"d like to adopt some kids that had to live like we did. Let"s face it, without Mama San, none of us would have had much of a future. You guys did an amazing job, but s.h.i.t with my dad was definitely coming to a head, and it would have destroyed the three of you. We got d.a.m.n lucky that he died. I don"t care how that sounds, that"s how I feel. Not a lot of kids get as lucky as we did by having a Sandra in their lives. I feel like I have to pay it forward."
G.o.dd.a.m.n I was so proud of that girl. The twins are really the cream of the crop. Considerate, conscientious and caring, they both go out of their way to do the right thing. From volunteering at homeless shelters to signing up for Habitat for Humanity builds, they are always all about giving back. Their parents might have had two of the s.h.i.ttiest moral compa.s.ses of all time, but they didn"t pa.s.s those genes on at all.
"I know you"ll make an amazing mother Dominique, and your sister will too. But the truth is that I just don"t have the guts to try. To me it would be like playing Russian roulette. It"s a closed issue for me."
Being the sweetheart that she is, she let it drop.
Chapter Nineteen: Delilah
I"m exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally... in every way that it"s possible to be exhausted, I am. Going to work every day takes everything that I"ve got. I love my job and I"m happy to be working instead of going to school, but seeing Spencer every day is like water torture. I think I could handle everything better if I felt human, but I don"t. In the four weeks since my entire world crumbled around me, I"ve been a zombie. I wake up, I go to work, I go home, and I sleep.
You"d think I would have improved by now, but if anything, things are getting worse. This last week I"ve been sick, and food is ridiculously unappealing. When I do eat, not much stays down. I"ve never felt this poorly. I keep hoping it will pa.s.s, but every day I wake up feeling pretty much the same as the day before.
Thankfully, today I get to lie on the couch and do nothing, because it"s Sat.u.r.day. I showered when I got up, but that took up all of the energy I had. I curled up on the couch with damp hair wearing only my robe. I was in that place between awake and asleep when I heard a knock on my door.
Summoning up energy that I really didn"t have, I made my way to the door and swung it open, relieved to see Brooke on the other side. I was worried that it was going to be one of my brothers or Spencer coming to check in on me, and I just can"t deal with that right now. I know I"m not doing a great job of concealing that something is wrong, but I need s.p.a.ce. Brooke and I exchanged hugs and kisses as she came in before we settled on the couch.
"Don"t shoot me. I"m here because I"m very worried about you. Something clearly isn"t right. What"s happening with you Delilah?"
d.a.m.n. So much for being relieved that it was Brooke and not one of the others. I decided to shoot straight, mostly because even I"m worried about the state I"m in at this point.
"Honestly, I don"t know. I feel absolutely wretched all of the time. I"m so tired that I swear I could sleep twenty out of every twenty-four hours."
Her concern very evident, she reached out and touched my forehead. "You don"t feel warm, but you do look exhausted. Your coloring is terrible, you"re losing weight, and you look frail. You need to go to the doctor Delilah, immediately. I get that it"s Sat.u.r.day, but maybe we should go to the hospital."
"No! Brooke. Seriously! I feel terrible, but I"m not dying. I made an appointment yesterday with my doctor anyway. I"m going on Monday."
She looked so relieved that I was taking it seriously enough to make a doctor"s appointment that it gave me pause. I guess I really do look like death warmed over. Nodding at me, she touched my forehead again. "Whenever I didn"t feel well, my mom would always give me ginger ale, saltines, and chicken noodle soup, and I swear it always worked like a charm. I"m going to the store to get all the supplies. When I get back I"ll make you some soup and we"ll curl up and watch a chick flick."
I don"t know why, but her caring for me so well made me tear up. I"m so emotional lately it"s ridiculous. You"d think that there was a death instead of a break up. I hate being overly emotional, but it"s like I have no control over it.
As soon as she left, I got up to get dressed and brush my hair. I put on a pair of shorts and a tee shirt, and then threw my hair up into a ponytail. I was just finished dressing when I heard my front door open. Walking into the living room, I saw Dominique and Tally had just come in.
Running across the room, Dominique wrapped me in an enormous hug. "We were already on our way over to check on you when Brooke called to say you"re feeling s.h.i.tty and that you guys are going to do a chick flick day. Tally and I are in!"
Having my sister here immediately made me feel much better. She took me to the couch and we curled up together on the chaise together like we used to when we were kids. Dante has always said he bets this is what we looked like in utero, and I imagine he"s right.
We were curled up like that for a while as she cross-examined me about how I was feeling. "I"m concerned that you feel like c.r.a.p," she said, "but I know I"d feel if anything was really wrong, and I don"t. Whatever this is, it isn"t life or death. Don"t be scared."
The relief I felt at her a.s.sertion was huge. I"ve been scared s.h.i.tless because I"ve never felt so wretched. Dominique and I have a connection that defies explanation, and I really do believe that if something was seriously wrong with me, she would know. We"ve always been able to feel each other"s pain.
Brooke came back a few minutes after that, and she gestured behind her. "Look who I found in your driveway." I smiled when I saw that it was Aunt Sandra. She"s the only mother I"ve ever known, and I adore her.
After crossing the room, she gently sat on the couch behind me. Leaning forward, she put her lips on my forehead, something she"s always done to check my temperature. "Brooke"s right sweetie, you don"t have a fever. I did a quick search on my iPad while I was in the car, and I"m thinking maybe you have mono. Did you really really make a doctor"s appointment for Monday? I don"t want you to wait any longer." make a doctor"s appointment for Monday? I don"t want you to wait any longer."
I couldn"t help but to be touched by her concern. Sandra gave up everything for us, and she never complained. "I promise that I made the appointment Mama San. I"m going Monday morning to see Dr. Reynolds, first thing."
"That"s what I want to hear honey. I"ll take the morning off and go with you."
I was shaking my head before she even finished. "No, no. It"s okay. I"m not a baby, and you can"t always drop everything for me. I"ll go and as soon as I"m finished, I"ll come to work and let you know what she said. I"m sorry I let it go for this long. I didn"t mean to worry everyone."
"Stop that! I know you"re not a baby, but you"ll always be my little girl. Whenever you need me, I"m always going to be there."
It never gets old, hearing her say that she"ll be there, and she always is. I didn"t realize how badly I wanted a mother until Sandra moved in. She"s everything a child could ask for. She stepped up and took care of us in a huge way. When I was younger, I used to lie in bed at night across from Dominique, and the two of us would talk and try to make sense out of how Sandra could possibly be related to our mother. Sandra is almost a mirror image of her, save for the fact that Sandra dyes her hair red. While the physical similarities are impossible to miss, that"s where they end. Mama San showed more care about our well-being the first afternoon she met us than our parents did in all of the years we were with them.
"I know you"re always going to be there Mama San, and it means more than I can say. But I also know that you, Dante, Damien and Sabrina all have a nine o"clock meeting on Monday to be deposed about the charges that got filed against that contractor that stole from us. You have to be there, and there"s no way around it. I"d have Dominique go with me, but she and Spence have that meeting with the people who bought the penthouse that got all screwed up. Don"t worry, I"ve got this. I promise."
She wasn"t having it, not by a long shot. "They can schedule me in for another time. You"re more important to me than anything else. I don"t want you going alone."
From across the room Tally called out, "I"ll take her."
Only the fact that I was still curled up with my sister kept me from running across the room and kissing Tally in thanks. I feel bad enough as it is without Sandra having to take time away from something that actually IS important.
I grabbed on to Tally"s offer like the lifeline that it was. "See? Perfect. Tally will go with me. She"s the only other person besides me that can take the morning off without s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g something up entirely." Looking over my shoulder at her I said, "Thanks Tally! You"re a lifesaver!"
Sandra put up more of a fight, but once she knew that I"d have someone with me, she eventually backed down.
"I want to hear from you the minute you know what"s happening. I don"t care if I"m in the deposition. You call me anyway."
Our conversation came to a close when Brooke called out from the kitchen that my chicken noodle soup was ready. I sat at the table and choked down what I could, eating more of the saltines than anything else. I probably wouldn"t have eaten anything if the four of them hadn"t been sitting at the table staring at me.
I was just about finished when Sabrina showed up. After giving me a hug and a serious visual a.s.sessment she said, "Your brother is about fifteen minutes away from calling hospice care. I told him to calm down, but he"s beside himself. That man! Brooke filled me in, so I know you"re going to the doctor on Monday. You"ll come and stay with us until then, and we"ll take care of you."
I tried to talk my way out of that, pointing out that if Sandra was correct in thinking that there is a possibility that I"ve got mono, Dante and Sabrina really don"t need to be exposed to that before the wedding.
Sabrina just shook her head at me. "Seriously Delilah... you"re a nut. If you"re sick we would postpone the wedding. And you"re coming to stay, no ifs, ands, or buts. Dante"s already getting a room ready, and then he"s heading out to buy chicken soup, ginger ale, and saltines. I told him that always makes me and Brooke feel better, and I swear to G.o.d that lunatic will probably buy pallets of all three. He"s beside himself. If you won"t come for yourself, please come so that your brother climbs down off the ledge."
Once again, I started getting choked up. I"ve got the best family on earth. I knew that arguing about staying over wasn"t going to get me anywhere. "I don"t know why he"s always been like this, but if it will make Dante feel better, I"ll go."
Sabrina looked at me in surprise for a moment before speaking. "Oh honey, you were too young to remember so you don"t realize... Delilah, when you were a baby, you got pneumonia and almost died. Your parents refused to get you medical care, and Dante thought he was going to lose you. He went against their orders and called for help. You were in the hospital for two weeks, and your father beat Dante senseless for intervening, and while he beat him your mother screamed at him and told him that if he"d been a better boy and had taken better care of you, you never would have gotten sick. That experience changed his whole life. He was always terrified something would happen to one of you, something that he could have prevented. That"s why he"s like this, honey. This family literally means the world to him."
That explained a lot about my brother, both of my brothers really, and it broke my heart. Thinking about it, I realized that Spencer"s parents were just as bad. No wonder he doesn"t want to have kids. I hugged Sabrina to me tightly as I thanked her for telling me all of that.
"I"ll never be able to thank you enough for loving my brother. I"ve never seen him so happy, and even though I already loved you, I love you more for giving him the life he always deserved."
She hugged me back tight, wiping the hint of a tear away from her cheek as I pulled back. Brooke cleared her throat from beside me, holding out a gla.s.s of ginger ale. "Today isn"t the day for serious stuff. Let"s veg out and do a girlie movie marathon."
Accepting the gla.s.s of ginger ale that Brooke handed me, I took a spot on the couch while Dominique and Brooke rooted through my DVDs in search of the perfect chick flick. After a few minutes of debate, we chose "Thirteen Going on Thirty" and settled in to watch. It was nice having everyone there, and I think the ginger ale actually did settle my stomach, because I felt a bit more solid.
I wasn"t surprised when my brothers showed up about an hour into the movie. We all told them to be quiet, and I know all of us got a laugh out of forcing them to sit through the rest of our chick flick... and the one that we watched after that first one was over.
When the movies were over, I went into my room and packed. Damien stood in my doorway like a cop, I think out of fear that I"d do something crazy, like lift my own bag. "After this, Brooke and I will go home and pack too. We can all stay together and take care of you. Aunt Sandra already left to get a bag herself."
I stared at him in exasperation. "Damien! Stop it. I"m not dying. I swear to G.o.d, the stuff Brooke made me eat today actually helped. I"ve had like four cans of ginger ale and a sleeve of crackers and I feel better than I have in days. I"m agreeing to go to Dante"s because I didn"t want him to have a total breakdown, but this is too much. I love you both to death, but you are the two biggest worrywarts on earth, and Mama San isn"t any better. I"m going to be fine, I promise. Besides, Dominique says she"d feel it if there were something really wrong, and she doesn"t feel anything like that. Doesn"t that make you feel better?"
He was across the room like a shot, pulling me into his arms. "I know I"m a pain in the a.s.s Delilah, but you"re my baby. I can"t help but worry."
Like the sucker that I am, I gave in. Before I knew it, the entire family was camped out at Dante"s house. If I didn"t feel so lousy, I"d laugh that they were all taking "Delilah Watch" so seriously.
Dante insisted that I get into bed as soon as we got home, and Damien brought me my dinner and then sat on the bed next to me in the guest room I was in to watch the news. Or rather, I watched the news, and he watched me eat the bowl of chicken noodle soup with crackers he"d brought to me on a tray. I was stuffed by the time I was halfway finished, and I let him know. He gave me the evil eye, but I couldn"t take another bite.
As he was arranging the dishes on the plate to take them, he told me that he was going to go downstairs and call Spencer. "I can"t believe you haven"t asked for him before now. He"s always been the one you wanted when you didn"t feel well."
My reaction was swift and brutal. "No! Please Please, I can"t deal with having him here!"
s.h.i.t. I was too emphatic and it raised his antenna. "I love Spencer, you know I do. But if one more person makes their way into this room to stare at me, I"m going to lose it. Let"s deal with who"s here right now and leave everything else until after my doctor"s appointment on Monday. Please?"
It"s a good thing he said yes so quickly, because I was about to lose the chicken noodle soup that I"d just eaten all over the bedspread. When he left the room, I ran to the toilet so fast I"m surprised I didn"t leave tracks. Luckily I made it to the toilet in time, and it was over quickly.
Chapter Twenty: Spencer