My body was tingling and pulsing in new ways as the kiss got deeper. The minutes pa.s.sed as we gently kissed, our tongues sliding together so softly it made me dizzy. Shifting, I pulled him with me as I fell back onto the bed. He gave the slightest pause, and I knew he was just on the edge of stopping. With a little moan, I took my hands and slowly ran them up his chest before lacing my fingers behind his neck.
All his resistance was gone after that, and when he settled on top of me, I could feel that he was hard. Spreading my legs, I wrapped them around his legs as we continued kissing. The kiss has gone from being a regular kiss to being super-hot. Neither of us could keep it slow anymore, and things escalated.
I could hear the bed creaking softly as we rocked against each other. The pressure of his arousal rubbing against the juncture of my thighs had me tingling. The taste of him, along with the sensation of our tongues sliding against each other, had my breath coming in little bursts. It seems like we were locked together like that for hours, exploring and loving each other in a totally new and entirely different way. Trailing one of my hands down from around his neck, I slid it under his shirt and ran it up his chest to rest over his heart. His skin was hot to the touch, and his heartbeat was super-fast.
Wrenching his mouth from mine, he stared into my eyes, all the while continuing to grind against me. I kept right on rubbing against him, too.
He said my name on a moan. "Delilah... You"re so G.o.dd.a.m.n beautiful. Jesus! We need to stop angel. I"m going to come if we don"t."
Yes! That"s what I wanted. I wanted to know that he"s out of control, and that he"s going to remember this forever. Looking him straight in the eye, I smiled as I said, "I want you to."
I could actually see his internal struggle, and I wanted to make d.a.m.n sure he didn"t stop. Taking my hand out from under his shirt, I used both of my hands to open his jeans before sliding one hand into his boxers. I gave a little gasp when I felt how big he was, how hot he was in my hand. "Oh, angel..." With a growl, he captured my mouth again as I rubbed against him.
The rocking of the bed got faster, and I knew he was about to reach his end. Our kiss became harder and firmer, even more pa.s.sionate. Everything was wilder as I rubbed my hand over him faster and faster. Pulling back from my mouth, he buried his face against my neck. "Oh G.o.d Delilah... angel... I"m going to come!" I rubbed my thumb over the tip again and again as I gasped for air and the bed shook underneath me. "I love you Spencer. Let yourself go."
Letting out a hoa.r.s.e cry, he erupted into my hand, and my body tingled all over as he did. I loved the feeling of his breath on my neck, loved being wrapped all around him, loved having my hand in his pants, and I loved the hot and wet feeling of his release on my fingers. I did that to him. I made him feel all those things, and it felt amazing to me. When he finished, he kissed my neck and then my mouth again before rolling off of me to lie on his back.
Pulling my hand from his pants, I reached my arm over to his nightstand to grab some tissues so that I could clean up. After my hands were dry, I threw the tissues in the trash, and then turned back to Spencer. I could totally tell that he was struggling, so instead of making it weird, I took his hand in mine, holding it like we used to when we were younger. Giving him a kiss on the cheek, I put my head on his chest. "Thank you for helping me Spence. It doesn"t have to get weird now, I promise. I would like to stay and hold your hand for a bit though, if that"s okay."
Leaning his head down, he gave the top of my head a kiss. "You know I"ll always hold your hand Delilah. I just need a few minutes to go get changed though. I"ll be back, okay?"
Chapter Three: Spencer
I"m pretty sure that I lost my mind when I let Delilah talk me into being her first kiss. No matter what I do, I"ll never be able to take that back. Just before my tongue slid into her mouth, I"d hoped that we would have no chemistry, that all my sudden desires for her could be wiped away with one hideously bad kiss.
Unfortunately, that"s not what happened at all. Sure, there was a minute of awkwardness, but once she found her rhythm, she had it down. Within five minutes of beginning to kiss, we were perfectly in time with one another. What I just shared with Delilah was easily the best kiss of my life.
Not good.
Not good at all at all.
And f.u.c.k it all if I didn"t let it get so much further than just kissing! I haven"t dry humped a girl since I was in ninth grade, but with Delilah, I couldn"t help myself. I wanted her so f.u.c.king bad that I thought I was going to explode. I knew I was out of control, and I knew I needed to calm down. I tried, I swear I did.
When she opened my jeans and put her hand down my pants, I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. By that point, reminding myself that she"s still only sixteen wasn"t working anymore. I feel like s.h.i.t, but it was a conscious decision on my part to quit trying to stop. I wanted to be touched by her so badly that I thought I"d go crazy with it, and I think when I came into her hand, I actually did go a little crazy. Nothing ever felt so good or so intense. The only saving grace in all of this is that we didn"t go any farther.
After getting my s.h.i.t together in the bathroom, I headed back into my bedroom. I groaned when I saw Delilah spread across my bed like an angel. When did things get out of control? At what point did my body and heart betray my brain? What I feel for Delilah is so much bigger than some stupid crush. It"s wrong in every conceivable way too. She"s sixteen, I"m twenty. When I"m not at college, we live in the same house. Her brothers are my best friends and I"ve known her since the day she came home from the hospital. I"m totally f.u.c.ked, not worthy of anyone, much less Delilah. Our lives are too intertwined for this to be anything other than wildly inappropriate.
Still, Delilah means more to me than anyone in the world, and if she wants me to sit with her and hold her hand now, that"s exactly what I"m going to do. Dropping onto my bed, I grabbed her hand in mine as she settled her head on my shoulder. Grabbing the remote I flicked through the channels until I found us a movie to watch on HBO.
We laid like that in silence for quite a while. As f.u.c.ked up as what I"d just done with her was, it was still comforting to lay with her and hold her hand. Shifting on the bed a bit, she kissed my cheek. "I love you Spencer, more than anything. Thank you."
She shouldn"t be thanking me, but I"d never make her feel badly about what just happened. I don"t ever want her to feel dirty. All of the blame was mine.
"I love you too Delilah, more than anything."
Right there, right in that moment, I realized something that changed my entire life.
I didn"t just love love Delilah. I was Delilah. I was in love in love with her. with her.
It was ridiculously bad timing to realize it, but that didn"t make it any less factual.
"At some point, you"re going to have to tell me what the f.u.c.k is going on with you Spencer. You"ve been acting really strangely for the last two months."
f.u.c.k. f.u.c.k. f.u.c.k. The last thing I need is for Damien to figure out what my "problem" is. What am I supposed to say here? "I"m in love with your teenage sister" would likely get my face smashed in.
How the h.e.l.l does he even know something is wrong? I"ve all but thrown myself into our "normal" lifestyle. I"ve f.u.c.ked at least ten chicks in the last two months. I"ve stayed on my game, even though it makes me feel more like a filthy a.s.shole than ever. My entire life has been thrown through the d.a.m.n ringer since the night I kissed Delilah and came into her hot little hand.
I decided to try at playing dumb, hoping that I could buy time so that I could recalibrate the way I"d been acting. "Dude, what do you mean? I"ve been alright."
The look Damien gave me left no doubt that he was frustrated that I was trying to play it off.
"Come on Spence. I know something is bugging the s.h.i.t out of you. You"re like a shadow of yourself. We go out and you pick the first chick that comes at you. Your head clearly isn"t in it, and you"re totally phoning it in. You"re at the gym for four f.u.c.kin" hours a day, which is two more than you"ve ever done before, or you"re studying. I don"t think I"ve seen you chilled out and relaxed in months. Don"t make me beat it out of you. What the f.u.c.k is wrong?"
I scrambled like a maniac in my head to come up with something believable, finally grabbing on to something that actually had had been upsetting me. "I"m alright Damien. I guess I"ve just been really f.u.c.ked in the head since Christmas, when my mother sent those crazy pictures. I know that s.h.i.t upset you and Dante too." been upsetting me. "I"m alright Damien. I guess I"ve just been really f.u.c.ked in the head since Christmas, when my mother sent those crazy pictures. I know that s.h.i.t upset you and Dante too."
During Christmas break, my mother had sent a bunch of pictures to me. These weren"t "aw, how cute" pictures. They were downright creepy, and they gave me the chills. All of the pictures were of me, Damien, Dante and the twins when we were younger, but every one of them showed how neglected we were. Some of the photos showed us in the shed sleeping. What kind of mother stands over children sleeping next to gardening tools for posterity? Marceline Cross is who.
Damien"s brisk nod told me that he understood how I felt. "Spence, we"re always going to be f.u.c.ked up because of what our parents did. But when s.h.i.t like this comes up, we need to talk to each other. Don"t keep it in. You"re my brother, even if we don"t share blood. I talk to you when s.h.i.t about Mike and Connie bubbles to the surface for me. My parents were just as f.u.c.ked up. You aren"t alone."
He"s right and he"s wrong. Mike and Connie Hart were f.u.c.ked up, but as far as I know, neither of them ever rubbed their sons in a completely disgusting way. Had Mr. Hart lived, he"d have gone for the girls, but luck was on their side when he overdosed.
The other difference is that the Harts are now gone, and Marceline and Hank Cross are still alive and as cla.s.sless as ever. I never see them, but my mother likes to pop up from time to time to play the victim or to take swipes at the Harts. It makes me feel like a giant p.u.s.s.y that I secretly wish she would tell me she was sorry, that she would take my side and admit that my father is a f.u.c.king monster. What kind of a mother lets her son down the way Marceline did, over and over again? Why did none of our parents care about us?
"I hate bringing them up. I feel like I"m a f.u.c.king reminder of all the s.h.i.t you guys shouldn"t have to think about anymore, because my mother still likes to rub it the f.u.c.k in whenever she deigns to remember that I"m alive."
Damien shook his head in frustration. "Don"t you ever think that, Spence. It isn"t you or Dante or the twins that remind me of my parents. I"ve got triggers, believe me, and none of them are you or the others. We can"t push each other away. You know that, right? This family is all we"re ever going to have. Don"t hold s.h.i.t back. Sometimes you"re too much like Dante. You a.s.sholes make me nuts!"
That comment really kicked my a.s.s. We"ve struggled at times through the years to keep Dante from retreating inward. He bore the brunt of the abuse and the bulls.h.i.t, mostly because he has a few extra years of memories that Damien and I don"t, and he really had to grow up fast. He always feels like he has to be strong and shoulder the burden himself, and it makes us nuts. It hurts us all when Dante pulls away to try to "protect" us, and I don"t want to do the same thing.
I need to remember that the Harts are my family, and push my feelings for Delilah way down. I"d lose my two best friends for sure if I was ever dumb enough to try anything with her. I need to thank my lucky stars that they don"t know anything about what happened, and move on from here.
I thought that I was doing a good job of pushing my feelings for Delilah to the back burner until summer break started. The second I walked back into the house and saw her cooking a welcome home dinner, it took everything I had not to grab her and kiss the h.e.l.l out of her. I knew that I"d behaved in a fairly gruff way with her after that, but I couldn"t do anything differently. If I did what I wanted to do, her brothers would lose their s.h.i.t. She"s off limits for many years to come, and I need to act like it.
The worst part of the whole thing was that she"d gotten herself a boyfriend. Sam seemed like a nice enough guy I guess, but I hate his f.u.c.king guts regardless. Every single time he came to the house to get her I wanted to beat him senseless. He was touching my my f.u.c.king girl, even though he didn"t know it. s.h.i.t, f.u.c.king girl, even though he didn"t know it. s.h.i.t, she she didn"t know it. didn"t know it.
Delilah acted like the kiss never happened, and it was infuriating. Sure, I wanted her to keep it quiet... but didn"t it mean anything to her at all? She was running around with that a.s.shole like he was the love of her life. He was always around, he was constantly trying to hold her hand (that was my f.u.c.king job!) and he hung on her every word. It was enough to make me want to vomit. I understood that she was seventeen, and that she was bound to get a boyfriend, but it was just too f.u.c.king much.
It was destroying me, making me question how strong of a person I was. I started having nightmares about my father practically every night, and I was barely functioning. Delilah still came in to wake me up, but now we didn"t talk when she held my hand until I calmed down. She tried to talk at first, but I was too p.i.s.sed about Sam to let her. I hated that someone else is touching her and I couldn"t deal with it. I hated it with an alarming ferocity that I didn"t know how to deal with.
The one true positive that emerged within the last few months came when I was contacted by my grandmother"s lawyer on my twenty-first birthday. Helen had been my father"s stepmother. My father hated her and she didn"t like him either, but she loved me and I had loved her right back. When her lawyer contacted me, I was shocked. Helen had pa.s.sed when I was very young, but it turned out that I was her beneficiary, and everything had been in a trust until I reached my twenty-first birthday. I inherited almost twenty million dollars, but I couldn"t have cared less about every penny of it, except for the two hundred thousand dollar bank check it allowed me to send my father. It was the exact amount of the check I had forced him to write Sandra on the day I moved out. Once I put the cashier"s check in the mail, I felt as though I had wiped clean any last bit of control that he thought he maintained over me.
It"s getting harder to deal with my feelings for Delilah. They"re always there, always at the forefront of my mind. She"s always felt like my human compa.s.s, the person that kept me on track, but lately, it"s getting harder to navigate her her.
When she looks at me now, I see something hot and wild in her eyes, along with promises of something I don"t want to think too much about. I want her so f.u.c.king badly that it makes me weak at the knees, and thinking about what she wants makes me wild.
This afternoon, while we were lying out by Dante"s pool, I caught her looking at me, hotter than usual. Before I could edit myself, I blurted out, "Dammit angel. Why are you looking at me like that?"
Her knowing smile was intoxicating. "We both know why I"m looking at you Spencer. I"m waiting for the day I look and can tell that you"re ready."
Oh.
f.u.c.k.
ME.
I tried to shake my head to negate the truth in those words, only to realize that I was nodding in the affirmative as opposed to the negative. "I"m no good. You deserve so much better and..."
Putting her hand over my mouth, she gave me a hard look. "Don"t you ever talk about yourself like that to me again. You hurt me when you hurt yourself Spencer. Think about that the next time you go to say something so stupid. We"re done talking about this. Let it go."
I"m not stupid though. I know it"s just a matter of time before she comes back at me, asks me to take her. The need rolls off of her in waves. I am in equal parts reluctant, scared s.h.i.tless and desperate to do everything she wants, be everything she needs me to be.
Chapter Four: Delilah
I was so p.i.s.sed off at Spencer when he came home from college the summer after we"d kissed. I"d emailed and called him numerous times once he went back to school, but other than seeing him at family dinners, he wasn"t around. I got the message, loud and clear. He was uncomfortable with what happened, and knowing him as well as I do, I knew it was because I"m so young. I"m no fool, and I knew to choose my battles wisely. I"ve got years to wear Spencer down, and I wasn"t going to play myself out that early on. For me, it"s all about long-term with him, and I know he isn"t anywhere near that yet.
That being the case, I"d decided to put him out of my mind and start dating. I had been with Sam for almost a month when Spencer and Damien came home from school, and I liked him well enough. Sam was a pretty good kisser, he treated me like gold, he liked having my sister around, and he had a great sense of humor. He wasn"t Spencer, but then, that was why I"d chosen him. I knew that what Spencer and I had was lightening in a bottle, and I also knew that it couldn"t be replicated.
I was so excited the day that Spence and Damien were coming home from college that I spent the whole day making a big dinner. I made homemade pasta sauce, meatb.a.l.l.s, stuffed sh.e.l.ls, garlic bread and cheesecake. After I had the meal almost ready to be served, I spent an hour getting ready. I brushed my hair until it was shiny, put on a light pink lip-gloss, and dressed myself in a black cotton floor-length halter dress paired with black espadrilles. I"d wanted to wear something a little s.e.xier, but since I"d be doing the finishing touches on a meal that basically consisted of all red food, it seemed like a dumb idea.
The boys made it home just in time, and the entire family gathered around Aunt Sandra"s table. We"d all dug in, talking and laughing, and everyone seemed to be having a great time except for Spencer. Oh, sure... he was putting on a show like he was having fun, but I"ve known him my entire life, and I could tell that he was going out of his way to keep his distance from me. It really p.i.s.sed me off. What did he think? That I would jump on his lap and demand a repeat performance in front of the entire family? He looked at me like I"d become a ticking time bomb, and it p.i.s.sed me off.
The other part of me was really hurt. I got so p.i.s.sed that when I"d excused myself from the table to get more sauce, I quickly texted Sam and told him to come over. Spencer needed to see that I was with someone else. I was sure that would put him in his place and make him chill out.
I think seeing me with Sam hurt him more than it helped. It hurt me too, because I hated seeing him upset. I knew that he wasn"t ready for what I wanted, and I wasn"t going to sit like a hermit in my room.
Time pa.s.sed quickly, as it inevitably does. Spencer and I worked our way through that rough period. It didn"t hurt that I"d broken up with Sam just one week after Spencer got home from school. I"d wanted a boyfriend, but it was impossible to want to kiss or spend time with anyone else when Spencer was home.
It feels like I just started my senior year yesterday, but now I"m in a cap and gown and Mama San can"t stop taking pictures of Dominique and me with the rest of the family. She"s recorded this moment to the nth degree, and my face hurts from smiling so much.
My favorite part of my day had been waking up to Spencer sitting at the foot of my bed. "Hi angel," he whispered. "I got you a gift. I thought maybe you"d like to wear it today."
I sat up and beamed at him when he handed me a card and a jewelry box with a satin ribbon tied around it. I gasped when I opened it to see the most beautiful necklace I"d ever laid eyes on. It was a diamond heart on a platinum chain, and I loved it right away.
I watched him in the mirror as I lifted my hair up so that he could put the necklace on for me. As he fastened it, I could feel his breath on my neck, and I got goose b.u.mps. His head popped back up when he was finished, and I met his eyes in the mirror with a smile. "I love it Spence. It"s perfect. You always know just what to get me. I love you more than anything."
For a moment, I swear there was the faintest hint of a shimmer in his eyes as he smiled back at me. "I love you too angel, more than anything."
It was only when he left the room that I remembered that he"d handed me a card with the jewelry box. I ran back to my bed and picked up the envelope, ripping it open like it was Christmas morning.
Delilah, Congratulations angel. I"m more proud of you than I can say, and I love the woman that you"re turning into. You"ll always be the light of my life, and I"ll always always love you best, more than anything else in the world. love you best, more than anything else in the world.
All my love, Spencer I cried for about ten minutes after I read that card. It was so beautiful, how could I not? The person that I love most in the world loves me too, and that"s a gift, even if he wasn"t ready to start the next phase of our relationship... yet.
When I got down to the breakfast table, Dominique jingled her Spencer graduation gift at me. It was a beautiful platinum charm bracelet. He"d chosen the first two charms, and they were perfect for her. A book because she loves to read, and a building because she wants to be an architect like him. Those two have been drawing plans and building things together for as long as I can remember, and I was really touched that his gift was so lovely. He"s so thoughtful that it"s ridiculous.
After breakfast we got our gifts from our family. Mama San, Dante and Damien went a little crazy and bought us each a new car. Dominique got a white Lexus coupe and I got a red Mercedes SUV.
I loved my car and was beyond grateful for it, but the gift I loved the most was Spencer"s heart. I"ve worn it every day since, and I don"t ever plan to take it off.
At the very beginning of my first year in college, I decided it was a good time to go to Spencer to ask for something that I needed. I"m still a virgin, and that"s fine, but I want him to give me an o.r.g.a.s.m. I know he"ll think I"m crazy, but I want the first one to be at his hands. Everything I love about life ties back to Spencer, and I want him to share this with me.
The wheels were already in motion, and I was meeting him at his house in an hour. I told him that I had a problem and really needed to talk, alone, and he told me he"d leave the bar he and my brother were at early to meet me back at his house.
The drive to Spencer"s pa.s.sed quickly because we only live about five minutes apart, and before I knew it I was parking in his driveway. Taking a deep breath, I fortified myself for what was ahead of me. I knew it wasn"t going to be an easy sell, but there was no way I"d let him push me off. Stepping from the car, I walked straight to the door. I"d just raised my hand to knock when the door flung open.
He looked gorgeous, as always, and I struggled to remember to breathe for a minute. He works out like a mad man, and his body is to die for. After giving me a kiss and a hug, Spence escorted me into his living room. Taking a spot on his couch, I smiled when he took the seat at the other end.
"What"s up angel? What do you need?"
I"d already decided not to beat around the bush, so I dove right in. "Don"t flip out. I"m here because I need to kiss you again, and I want you to give me my first o.r.g.a.s.m. It"s time."
I paused when he gasped, and I could see that he was going to argue with me. "Shush Spence. Listen to me before you say no."