BAD. Dad did not react well. Sorry. Lots of shouting. Not the best way to come out, mate.
I stared at the screen. It wasn"t anything I didn"t expect. I knew that Dad would take it badly, but it still hurt just the same. I wished Jay were here to hug. When I was with him, the reasons behind being gay and living life out of the closet were clear. But at this moment, virtually on my own, finding out my father hated me was extremely painful. I felt like curling up in a ball and crying, just like Jackie had yesterday. I felt terrible. Jay had lost his grandmother, but I had lost my father, too. And I felt grief-stricken.
I turned back to my computer and buried myself in work, unable to formulate an answer to Dale. But big families are wonderful at times, and they often talk behind your back. I could almost feel the invisible threads of communication happening. I was right. The text messages started to come in thick and fast.
Dale: Love you, bro. We will need to do dinner soon, the four of us. Me, Candice, Jay, and you. Can we bring Isaac?
Candice: I still love you, Liam. Always have. My feelings have not changed. Does Jay want to be Uncle Jay?
Cameron: I"m sorry about the U Tube clip. I"ve deleted it. Can"t wait to meet your new guy. C u soon.
Ben: Hi, bro. We love you! Jay is invited to the buck"s nite as long as he brings beer. I wanna get the guy drunk and ask him all the nasty details about you two!
Alison: Ben is a jerk! I have told him he is not allowed to ask rude questions. Jay is invited to the wedding. Let me know if he is coming. Love you.
Candice: You should ring your mum today before your dad gets home from work. Your mum was upset-not at you, but at your dad"s reaction. Ring her.
Anita: You have my full support. I want to meet Jay, too.
John: Sounds like you"ve stirred up a hornets nest, bro! Everyone wants to know what Jay is like. I"m the most popular person in town today. PS-when is the funeral?
Ben: OK! I won"t ask details. But you still have to bring Jay to the buck"s nite. I insist.
Dale: Ring me tonight. OK?
Cameron: Dad is a jerk. Don"t listen to what he says. Love you.
Alison: I"m sure your dad will get over it soon. Don"t worry about causing a scene at the wedding. I am the bride and I am inviting you and Jay. Everyone else can jump over the moon. I have put him down as coming. What is his full name?
Ben: Ali is determined that your b"friend is coming. Let me know if that is a problem and I will sort it out. Ring me at home tonite.
I will have to admit that the outpouring of support did make me feel better. My stomach was tied in knots, but my chest felt free and light for the first time in months. I knew I was doing the right thing. The cows had suddenly realized that when they came in at night, there was a nice warm barn waiting for them. It made me happy. It gave me faith in myself. It gave me confidence to tell Chan.
Chan was his usual grumpy self as he arrived to work, tossed his bag under his desk, and shrugged out of his wet coat. He slumped into his chair, turned his computer on, and threaded his fingers through his damp hair. He"d obviously caught the rain on the way in. Spring showers in September could be heavy and brief.
"I don"t know how you can stand to arrive so b.l.o.o.d.y early to work, Liam. Especially on a Monday. G.o.d I hate Mondays. I had the b.l.o.o.d.y-worst weekend, man. Totally, utterly whacked. I should"ve just stayed in bed the whole time. Nothing you tell me about your weekend could beat it, so do your worst. Tell me the most horrible thing that happened to you and I bet you I can beat it by ten times the amount."
I swung around on my chair and looked him up and down. "Yeah?"
"Yep. I will even put money on it. Fifty bucks."
I shrugged. "Your loss, man."
"So what happened to you? Try me."
I smirked at him and shrugged again. "My boyfriend"s grandmother died and I accidently outed myself to my family."
Chan stopped dead and stared at me in disbelief. "No way!"
""Fraid so."
My heart was racing and my palms slightly sweaty. What would be his reaction to my announcement? It was the first time I had deliberately told anyone, the test case if you wanted to think of it like that. I expected horror, or withdrawal, or disbelief. What I didn"t expect was Chan to lean over and thunk his head face-first onto the empty desk beside his computer, muttering to himself, "You are an idiot, Chan! How many times do you have to be told that you can"t pick "em. Never a.s.sume. Always check. Total buffoon, man."
"Ahh.... Chan?"
He waved a hand at me without lifting his head from his desk. "Sorry, man. Having a little crisis over here."
"Oh...." I hesitated. "Have I offended you?" I couldn"t imagine that he would be since he said his brother was gay, but you never knew.
He rotated his head toward me, still lying on the desk. "s.h.i.t, no. I"m just a cla.s.s-A fool who automatically a.s.sumes that every guy is straight unless he has a limp wrist and wears pink shirts. You should be offended at me for all this time a.s.suming you weren"t gay. Why didn"t you say anything before?"
I shrugged. "As I said, I accidentally outed myself this weekend. I may as well go the whole shebang and tell everyone else now."
Chan grinned evilly at me. "Does this mean you"ll start wearing pink shirts and calling everyone "Darling"?"
I flipped a finger at him. "You are so judgmental. I"m going to dob you in to your brother."
A look of alarm crossed his face. "f.u.c.k no! My brother may be as queer as a three-dollar note, but he can bench press his own weight. But forget about me-I want to know how you managed to accidentally out yourself. How does one do that?"
I ducked my head in chagrin. "I unintentionally called my boyfriend "babe" in front of my parents." Chan howled with laughter, almost falling off his chair. "It"s not funny!" I spluttered.
Tears were streaming down his face. "Oh, heck it is! I can"t wait to tell my brother."
I shook my head at him sadly, and grinned slightly. My first venture out of the closet in public wasn"t too bad after all. I turned back to my computer. "Don"t forget you owe me fifty bucks."
A LITTLE after three in the afternoon I picked up my landline at my apartment and dialed my parents" house.
"h.e.l.lo?"
"Hi, Mum. It"s Liam."
"Oh, sweetie!" My mother"s voice cracked halfway through, and it was obvious she had been crying. I felt wretched.
I rushed in to apologize, although it was a bit like closing the barn door after those cows had come in, eaten all the hay, and had made themselves at home. "I"m sorry, Mum! I"m sorry."
The sniffles continued on the other end of the line but my mother"s voice immediately came back, stronger and forceful. "No, sweetie! You have nothing to be sorry for. Absolutely nothing. It is me that should be apologizing. I"m so sorry that you could never tell me before."
"No, Mum. Don"t be like that. There was nothing ever to tell before."
My mother may be one-eyed when it comes to helping her boys snag a wife so she can have pseudo-daughters and grandchildren, but no one said she was thick. She paused. "So now there is something to tell, I take it?"
I leaned back on the lounge and stared at the ceiling. Confession time, Liam. "Yeah, Mum. I love him."
There was a loud sniff. "This... Jay? Is that his name?"
"Yes. James Bell. His family call him Jamie, but I like to call him Jay." And if I had stuck with simply Jay instead of using words like "babe" and "baby," then I wouldn"t be having this conversation with my mum.
"And Jay? Does he love you, too?" She was hesitant in asking, as if she were overstepping boundaries by broaching the subject. But I didn"t mind. It was the kind of question she would ask if Jay had been a girl.
"I don"t know. He hasn"t ever said, but we"re dating, so it"s not just some random hookup. We see each other most days, and have dinner together, and all sorts of things."
I could virtually hear her nodding on the other end. "That"s... good." Then she sighed. "Oh, sweetie. I feel simply awful. How long? I mean... how long have you known you were gay and have been too afraid to tell us?"
I blew out my breath. How long? Forever? "I don"t know, Mum. I think I"ve always known, but there was never anyone that was special enough to want to make a fuss over, before now."
"So, you"ve always been gay?"
"Sorry."
"But you dated Candice!"
I laughed. "Yes, Mum. Candice, who then dumped me for my older brother. Did you ever wonder why she did that and why I didn"t make a single protest over it?"
"So Candice knew?"
"No. Nothing like that. There was just no spark between us. I tried hard to make it so, but we just couldn"t."
We were silent for a moment then, before I felt the need to apologize again. "I really am sorry, Mum. I wasn"t going to hide it forever, but I am really sorry how it came out. I was going to tell everyone once the wedding was over. I didn"t want to cause a scene beforehand. It"s just when Jay rang me... I"m sorry. He was really upset and I panicked a bit. I didn"t want you to find out like that."
"I know, sweetie. Is Jay okay now?"
I sighed. "Not really, Mum. His grandmother died yesterday, that is why he was upset and ringing me."
"Oh, dear. Was she sick?"
"Yeah. Emphysema."
The conversation lagged a bit then, so I finally mentioned the part I was dreading. "How"s Dad?"
"Sleeping in the guest bedroom."
"Oh."
"He deserves it." Mum"s voice became stronger and firmer. I could tell she meant what she said, and was not just going through the motions for my sake. "He"s completely pigheaded and unreasonable over the whole thing. He needs to learn to love unconditionally. You are our son and we will treat you no differently from any of the other boys. We love you, we support you, and we respect you. Don"t worry, Liam. He"ll soon see the error of his ways." I couldn"t see her but I could tell she had on her squinty-eyed, pursey-lipped look.
I felt close to tears. "I didn"t want you guys to fight over this."
"I know. But you"ll just need to give your father time, okay? Don"t expect overnight miracles. He still loves you; I know he does. He just doesn"t understand your choice. And what he doesn"t understand makes him uncomfortable."
"I know." And I did know. Dad was old-school and this was really hard for him. It was just unfortunate that it was really hard for me, too. At a time when my life was completely changing, I had lost my father-my hero-the man I could always rely on.
I hesitated. "Mum? Can you do something for me? Can you tell Dad it"s not his fault? I mean, the way I am? I don"t want Dad to think that it was something he did wrong or anything. I"m the same as I always was. I haven"t... changed... in any way. I still like beer and fishing and football, and I hate gravy on my peas. And no way in the world am I going for his football team. I am exactly the same, except I have found someone to love now-someone who makes me want to be a better man. Someone to cherish and protect, and laugh with, and love with, and with whom I can be myself. I"ve found the person who I would marry-but he"s a guy. So I love him the same as how I"ve always imagined the love to be between you two. And I would ask him to marry me if I could. But I can"t, because there are rules. I know that. But I"m asking you and Dad to respect my feelings. You won"t love everything about Jay-just the same as you have problems with your daughters-in-law. I know Dad hates the way Anita laughs, and you can"t stand the way Candice insists on always having tomato sauce with everything. But you"ve learned to love them despite this. And you will learn to love Jay, too, I"m sure of it-if you could only try."
I could hear Mum sniffling over the phone, but she let me have my say before unsteadily saying, "I"ll tell him, sweetie. I"ll tell him. I"m so glad you"ve met someone. I love you, Liam."
"I love you, too, Mum."
I TOOK Thursday off and supported Carol and Jay through the funeral. We waited for everyone to gather at the gates of the Fremantle Cemetery and my eyes widened when I saw Jackie arrive. The sight of the usually black-clad woman dressed in a white flowing dress, complete with white sandals and a jaunty little, white hat-thing that had a white lace net draping down one side, was enough to make me choke and spit-only Jackie would wear white to a funeral!-but the fact that she was clinging desperately to the hand of my younger brother made me gasp.
What the...?
I stared at John in astonishment, but he simply shrugged and ducked his head a bit. Vowing to torture details out of him later, I turned to Carol. "How are you holding up there?" Jay had driven the three of us to the cemetery that morning in Carol"s more sedate sedan, and Carol had been silently weeping the whole time, tears running down her face in endless streams.
Her smile was wobbly, but she tried. "I"m good, Liam. I just want to get this over with."
I hugged her with one arm, and clutched Jay tightly with my other hand. Finally, the black funeral hea.r.s.e turned into the driveway, bearing the ornate wooden coffin draped in flowers. We all turned silently and followed the car as it wound its way through the peaceful grounds to the chapel. I watched with pride as Jay took his place with the pallbearers, and the coffin was gently moved into its place.
The funeral was well attended and thoughtfully put together. Jay cried without shame and it practically broke my heart.
Tea and coffee were served in the adjacent room. I sequestered myself in a corner and allowed Jay to circulate and greet family members and friends. John joined me and propped his back up against the wall.
I glanced at him, unsure if I was amused or peeved at his presence at the funeral. "You"re a dark horse."
John"s brows rose. "Says the man deep in the closet with a boyfriend."
"Old news, bro. I"m no longer in the closet, didn"t you know?"
"No?"
"Nope. My parents know. My brothers know. My workmates and boss know. Aaron knows. And here I am at my boyfriend"s grandmother"s funeral, supporting him, so his entire family knows, too. So where is the closet in that?"
John nodded, deep in thought. "Your boss knows?"
I shrugged. "I had to tell him I wanted time off for my boyfriend"s grandmother"s funeral. The guy nearly swallowed his tongue, and has given me a wide berth ever since, but he knows."
John clapped me on the shoulder. "s.h.i.t, man. Sorry it has to be like that. It must suck."
The man was my younger brother, so teasing came naturally to me. Plus, I also owed him for not telling me he was coming this morning. "Can I give you a word of advice, mate? Now that I am gay and all?"
"Yeah?"
"Don"t talk to gay men about things that suck, or they may think it is an invitation."
The shade of purple John turned was very satisfying, although not exactly a good look on him. I laughed and tried to stifle my amus.e.m.e.nt, since I was technically still at a funeral. I reined in my mirth as Jay"s Uncle Tony separated from the crowd and made his way to the corner where John and I were hiding.
Uncle Tony was pretty typical for his age-graying slowly and losing his hair on top. His beer gut was pushing a bit on the shirt of his best funeral clothes-a bit too many burgers behind it to be hidden successfully. Everything about him screamed white-collar worker nearing retirement age. His hands were too smooth for a blue-collar worker, his skin unblemished by the sun, and kind of pasty. He wore an ornate signet ring on one hand, and had a habit of twisting it around, which I had seen last Sunday.
He held his hand out and I shook it tentatively. "Liam, isn"t it?" he asked, squeezing sharply. G.o.d, I hated men who felt the need to do that.
"Yes, sir. My condolences, sir."
Uncle Tony nodded once and eyeballed John up and down. I realized that maybe Uncle Tony didn"t recognize him from the other day, even if they had been introduced. "Umm... this is my younger brother, John. He came to support Jackie today. John, this is... umm.... Sorry, I only know you as Uncle Tony."
The man stuck his hand out to John. "Tony Berris, Carol"s brother." They shook, and then the three of us stood there, unsure what to say next. Uncle Tony obviously wanted to say something, but I didn"t know how to get the conversation ball rolling. I cleared my throat and tapped my foot a couple of times.
"So...." Finally Uncle Tony spoke. "... I guess you are one of Jamie"s lot, are you?"
I cringed and mentally rolled my eyes. Oh, s.h.i.t! This was obviously a well-meaning but bigoted man. I knew that this is what I had to look forward to for the rest of my life, but I wasn"t running and hiding. Maybe I could educate them one by one. "Ahh... no, sir." He looked surprised and I continued on, gently easing the conversation. "Jay has tried to get me to go to his yoga cla.s.ses, but you will never find me there, sir. I"m not one of those green-tea-drinking, hippy types."