I"ve a scheme, which is this:--I will start for the West as a Limited Lecturing Co., And the public invite in the same to invest to the tune of a million or so: They will all be recouped for initial expense by receiving their share of the "gates,"
Which I venture to think will be truly immense when I lecture on Prose in the States.
Thus Merit will not be permitted to rot--as it does--on Obscurity"s shelf: Thus the national h.o.a.rd shall with profit be stored (with a trifle of course for myself): For lectures are dear in that fortunate sphere, and are paid for at fabulous rates,-- All the gold of Klondike isn"t anything like to the sums that are made in the States!
[1. Transcriber"s note: In the original book, the two characters preceding the exclamation mark are the Greek "Alpha" and "nu". They appear to be preceded by the Greek rough-breathing diacritical, making the three characters together rhyme with "Maine", two lines earlier.]
A DIALOGUE ON ETHICS
Said the Isis to the Cherwell in a tone of indignation, "With a blush of conscious virtue your enormities I see: And I wish that a reversal of the laws of gravitation Would prevent your vicious current from contaminating me!
With your hedonists who grovel on a cushion with a novel (Which is sure to sap the morals and the intellect to stunt), And the spectacle nefarious of your idle, gay Lotharios Who pursue a mild flirtation in a misdirected punt!"
Said the Cherwell to the Isis, "You may talk about my vices-- But of all the sights of sorrow since the universe began, Just commend me to the patience that can bear the degradations Which inflicted are by Rowing on the dignity of man: The unspeakable reproaches which are lavished by your coaches-- On my sense of what is proper they continually jar"-- ("It is simply _Mos Majorum_--"twas their fathers" way before "em-- "Tis a kind of ancient Cussed "em"--said the Isis to the Cher.)
"Are we men and are we Britons? shall we ne"er obtain a quittance"-- Said the Cherwell to the Isis--"from the tyrants of the oar?
O it"s Youth in a Canader with the willow boughs to shade her And a chaperone discreetly in attendance (on the sh.o.r.e), O it"s cultivated leisure that is life"s supremest treasure, Far from athletes merely brutal, and from Philistines afar: I"ve a natural aversion to gratuitous exertion, And I"m p.r.o.ne to mild flirtation," said the unrepentant Cher.
But in accents of the sternest, "Life is Real: Life is Earnest,"
(Said the grim rebuking Isis to his tributary stream); "Don"t you know the Joy of Living is in honourably Striving, Don"t you know the Chase of Pleasure is a vain delusive Dream?
When they toil and when they shiver in the tempests on the River, When they"re faint and spent and weary, and they have to pull it through, "Tis in Action stern and zealous that they truly find a _Telos_, [1]
Though a moment"s relaxation be afforded them by you!"
Said the Cherwell to the Isis, "When the trees are clad in greenness, When the Eights are fairly over, and it"s drawing near Commem., It is Ver and it is Venus that shall judge the case between us, And I think for all your maxims that you won"t compete with them!
Then despite their boasted virtue shall your athletes all desert you (Come to me for information if you don"t know where they are): For it"s _ina scholaxomen_ [2] that"s the proper end of Woman And of Man--at least in summer," said the easy-going Cher.
[1. Transcriber"s note: The word "Telos" was transliterated from the Greek characters Tau, epsilon, lambda, omicron, and sigma.]
[2. Transcriber"s note: The two words "ina scholaxomen" were transliterated from Greek as follows: "ina"--iota (possibly accompanied by the rough-breathing diacritical), nu, alpha; "scholaxomen"--sigma, chi, omicron, lambda, alpha (possibly with the soft-breathing diacritical), xi, omega, mu, epsilon, nu.]
PEDAGOGY
Our fathers on the pedagogue held sentiments irrational, Curricula for training him "twas never theirs to know, And when he taught the way he ought, by genius educational, They gave their thanks to Providence, who made him do it so.
But our developed intellect and keener perspicacity Has all reduced to system now and _a priori_ rule: We"ve altogether ceased to trust in natural capacity, And pin alone our faith upon a Pedagogy School.
Don"t talk to me of knowledge gained by base experience practical (A thing that"s wholly obsolete and laid upon the shelf): Don"t waste your time in aiming at exact.i.tude syntactical, Or hold that he who teaches Greek should know that Greek himself: For if you wish to face the truth, and fact no more to see awry-- Who strives to wake the dormant mind of unreceptive imps Need only read the works of Rein on Education"s Theory And study the immortal tomes of Ziegler and De Guimps!
Whene"er of old a boy was dull or quite adverse to knowledge, he Was set an imposition or corrected with a switch: Far different our practice is, who reign by Methodology And guide the dunce by precepts learnt from Landon or from Fitch: "Twas difficult by rule of thumb to check unseemly merriment, To make your cla.s.s their pastor treat with proper due regard-- "Tis easy quite for specialists in Juvenile Temperament, Who know the books on Punishment and also on Reward!
There"s no demand for authors now of erudite _opuscula_, For Wranglers or for Science men or linguists of repute: No cricketers can gain a post by mere distinction muscular, No Socker Blues can hope to teach the young idea to Shoot: Read Lange his Psychology--Didactics of Comenius-- By works like these and only these your prudent mind prepare: For if you"ve nought but scholarship or independent genius You"d better far adopt the Bar and make your fortune there!
O all ye ancient dominies whose names are writ in history-- Shade of the late Orbilius, and ghost of Dr Parr, Howe"er you got your fame of old--the reason"s wrapt in mystery-- Where"er you be, I hope you see how obsolete you are!
"Tis Handbooks make the Pedagogue: O great, eternal verity!
O fact of which our ancestors could ne"er obtain a glimpse!
But we"ll proclaim the truth abroad and noise it to posterity, Our watchword a curriculum--our shibboleth DE GUIMPS!
SONG FOR THE NAVY LEAGUE
(Dedicated without permission to LORD CHARLES BERESFORD.)
O where be all those mariners bold who used to control the sea, The Admiral great and the bo"sun"s mate and the skipper who skipped so free?
O what has become of our midshipmites, the terror of every foe, And the captain brave who dares the wave when the stormy winds do blow?
CHORUS
_For the tar may roam, but the tar comes home to wherever his home may be, With a Yo, heave ho, and a _o e to_, [1] and a Master of Arts Degree_!
They have gone to imbibe the cla.s.sical lore of Learning"s ancient seat (They are sadly at sea in the cla.s.sics as yet, though _cla.s.sis_ is Latin for fleet), It is there you will find those naval men, by the Isis and eke the Cher., For Scholarship is the only ship that is fit for a bold Jack Tar.
He has bartered his rum for a coach and a crib, at the First Lord"s stern decree, And he learns the use of the rocket and squib (which are useful as lights at sea): And they train him in part of the nautical art, as much as a landsman can, For they teach him to paddle the gay canoe, and to row the rash randan.
Should he e"er be inclined his Tutors and Deans to look with contempt upon (Observing the maxims of Raleigh and Drake, who never thought much of a Don), Let him think there are things in the nautical line that even a Don can do, For only too well are examiners versed in the way to plough the Blue!
Though a Captain _per se_ is an excellent thing for repelling his country"s foes, He is better by far, as an engine of war, with a knowledge of Logic and Prose: And a bold A.B. is the nation"s pride, in his rude uncultured way, But prouder still will the nation be when he"s also a bold B.A.!
CHORUS
For the Horse Marine will be Tutor and Dean, in the glorious days to be, With his Yo, heave ho, and his _o e to_, [1] and a Master of Arts degree!
[1. Transcriber"s note: the character group "o e to" was transliterated from the Greek characters omicron (with the rough-breathing diacritical), eta (with the rough-breathing diacritical), tau, and omicron (with the soft-breathing diacritical).]
A DREAM
In sleep the errant phantasy, No more by sense imprisoned, Creates what possibly might be But actually isn"t: And this my tale is past belief, Of truth and reason emptied, "Tis fiction manifest--in brief I was asleep, and dreamt it.
I met a man by Isis" stream, Whose phrase discreet and prudent, Whose penchant for a learned theme Proclaimed the Serious Student: I never knew a scholar who Could more at ease converse on The latest _Cla.s.sical Review_ Than that superior person.
He spoke of books--all manly sports He deemed but meet for scoffing: He did not know the Racquet Courts-- He"d never heard of golfing-- Professors ne"er were half so wise, Nor Readers more sedate!
He was--I learnt with some surprise-- An undergraduate.
Another man I met, whose head Was crammed with pastime"s annals, And who, to judge from what he said, Must simply live in flannels: A shallow mind his talk proclaimed, And showed of culture no trace: One "book" and one alone he named-- His own--"twas on the Boat-race.
"Of course," you cry, "some brainless lad, Some scion of ancient Tories, Bob Acres, sent to Oxford _ad Emolliendos mores_, Meant but to drain the festive gla.s.s And win the athlete"s pewter!"
There you are wrong: this person was That undergraduate"s Tutor.
Twas but a dream, I said above, In concrete truth deficient, Belonging to the region of The wholly Unconditioned: Yet, when I see how strange the ways Of undergrad. and Don are, Methinks it was, in cla.s.sic phrase, Not _upar_ less than _onar_. [1]
[1. Transcriber"s note: the words "upar" and "onar" were transliterated from the Greek as follows: "upar"--upsilon (possibly with the rough-breathing diacritical), pi, alpha, and rho; "onar"--omicron (possibly with the rough-breathing diacritical), nu, alpha, and rho.]