Nora wanted more out of her husband than that. She dreamed of a man who could talk to her about science. One who could keep up his side of the conversation and not get irritable because she was asking too many questions.
There was nothing wrong with questions. But her endless inquisitiveness oft made her father lose his patience and order her from the hall.
I love you, Nora child, but one more word from you, la.s.s, and I swear my humble brain will boil over until I"m as empty-fated as old Seamus. Now get to your room and give me peace afore I lock you in therefor the rest of eternity.
Nora winced at the words she had heard countless times.
Ewan was her father all over, she was sure of it. The only difference was their appearance. Her father was short and blond, not gargantuan and dark.
But inside, they might as well be the same man.
Yet as she watched Ewan play, she noted something odd about him. His eyes were brighter than they had been before. The corners of his lips turned up, almost as if to smile.
He loved music as much as her father despised it.
That was a little common ground between them. Something the two of them shared.
Och, la.s.s, what are you thinking?
You tie yourself to a man such as he, andyou"llbe gone forever .
Marriage was good only for the man. The woman lost all sense of herself. She became lady to his lords.h.i.+p. Forever docile to him. Forever deferring to him.
She would become her mother.
She didn"t want that. She wanted her own life, just like her Aunt Eleanor.
Eleanor answered to no man. She did as she pleased and lived her life to the fullest. She alone made Henry, king of England, bend to her will.
Aunt Eleanor was her ideal.
Aye, Nora not only wanted to be named for her aunt, she wanted to be her. Powerful. Decisive.
A woman in charge of her own destiny.
Catarina twirled around the fire, then held her hand out to Nora. "Care to dance?"
Nora hesitated for only an instant. "Show me how?"
Catarina pulled her to her feet, then raised her skirt up so that Nora could watch her feet.
Nora followed her carefully while the men played.
"You look as if you have French blood in you, little Nora," Viktor said as he smiled at her attempts to duplicate Catarina"s movements.
Nora returned his smile, pleased by his praise.
But she knew she was no match for Catarina, who moved as if she were one with the music.
Catarina led her around in a twirling bit of dance.
Nora glanced to Ewan, then swallowed. He wasn"t looking at Catarina anymore, he was staring ather .
With searing heat.
With hunger.
With need.
It made her burn. Imagine him looking at her like that. She wouldn"t have thought it possible.
Yet he did.
And that look...
It made her feel womanly and beautiful. For the first time in her life, she understood pa.s.sion and desire.
Ewan was magnetic and powerful, and his need for her was so intense that it was virtually tangible.
Unaware of why Nora had stopped moving, Catarina grabbed her hands and whirled her around again.
And even though she danced, Nora"s gaze continually went back to Ewan and the heat of his celestial eyes that burned through her.
After they had finished the dance and music, Catarina and Nora cleaned up the mess from supper. The men packed away the instruments and made pallets for everyone.
Catarina was putting away the pot when she met Nora"s bemused stare.
"For a woman not interested in Ewan, my lady, you certainly looked ready to kill me over the fact he was paying attention to my dance earlier."
Nora"s face flushed but she wasn"t willing to let anyone know just how much she really did desire Ewan MacAllister. "I most certainly did not."
Catarina laughed. "You can"t hide the truth from me, Nora. I saw your heart. It was plainly written in your eyes."
She wrinkled her nose at the woman. "I think you just like to play matchmaker, don"t you?"
"Only when I see two people who belong together."
Nora scoffed. "I do not belong with Ewan MacAllister. Believe me."
"Whatever you say." But her tone carried the full weight of Catarina"s doubt.
Nora left her to return to the others. Bavel, Viktor, Pagan and Lysander had withdrawn to bed. Only Ewan remained. He sat alone before the fire, staring idly into the flames and drinking from a large goblet.
Ewan didn"t appear drunk, but a cloud of sadness engulfed him.
Nora dropped her gaze to the lute at his feet. "Are you all right, my lord?"
He grunted.
She waved her hand in front of his face.
At first he paid her no heed until finally he blinked and looked up at her.
"Are you planning on going to bed soon?"
"I know not," he said quietly. "Mayhap in a bit."
She took a seat beside him, wanting to banish the sadness she saw inside him. Wanting to add a little humor to his night. "Did you ever look up at the sky as a child?"
He frowned. "Not really."
Nora leaned back on her hands and looked up at the bright sky where millions of stars twinkled down at them. "My mother used to tell me that every star in the heavens has a story attached to it."
She pointed to a star just south of Ursa Minor. "That one there she told me was once an ancient Greek soldier named Abrides. She said he was a n.o.ble Spartan commander whose wife had died. Distraught, he looked up at the heavens and demanded vengeance on the one responsible.
"The queen of the sky"-she pointed to a collection of stars a little way over that looked like a lady-"told him that in death there is no satisfaction. Only pain will find you. So he asked her when the pain would lessen. The queen told him never. The pain is what shows us how much we loved them. If you truly love someone, then the pain of their loss will always be in your heart."
He gave her a hard stare. "Why are you telling me this?"
She returned his stare, hoping to make him see past his guilt. "I"m telling you this because if you loved Kieran so much that you still ache like this after his pa.s.sing, then he must have known how you felt before he died."
"Aye, and he died because I betrayed him."
"Nay," she said. "He died because he wasn"t capable of living with the pain you have."
A tic worked in his jaw as he turned away from her. "This is not comforting me."
She put her hand on his arm and felt his biceps flex. Her poor Ewan. Would he ever find a way to forgive himself for something he"d had no part in?
How she wished she could make him lay aside his guilt and find happiness once more.
"The queen looked at Abrides," she began again, "and asked him who he would have her kill for his wife"s death.
" "Kill me," he said. "For it was my want of a son that cost her her life. Had I been content as I should have with her alone, she would be with me now."
"The queen shook her head in sorrow and said to him, "We all must die. Nothing can ever change that.
But it is how we live when we are here that matters most. I will not kill you," she said, "because your death will not set things right. Only by living can you do that.""
"Living doesn"t make things right," Ewan said, his deep voice scarce more than a whisper.
"Perhaps. But do you really think your brother would want you dead?"
"If he were alive, I am quite sure he would kill me."
Nora gave a small, sad smile at that, not believing it for a second. "Beat you perhaps, but not kill you. I think had Kieran had the strength to live, he would have found someone worthy of his love, and now the two of you would be laughing over the foolishness of his infatuation with Isobail."
Anger flashed in his eyes, turning them a stormy blue. "You"ve no right to speak about my brother. You didn"t know him and you don"t understand-"
"I do understand, Ewan."
She reached out and touched his face, turning his chin until he looked at her. She wanted him to see the truth. Desperately. "I know exactly what it"s like to love someone with the whole of one"s heart and then to have to smile as that person goes off to marry someone else. I know how much it hurts. I know how much I wanted to die when it happened to me, and every time I think about the fact mat had I married him, I wouldn"t be facing a life with Ryan now, I could scream with the frustration of it."
His eyes snapped fire at her as if the words were hurtful to him. "Who were you in love with?"
Nora moved back a bit as her memories tore through her. "Michel de Troyes."
Even after all this time, just saying his name tugged at her heart. "He came to my father"s castle three summers back and was the most incredible man you can imagine. Handsome. Charming. Well educated.
He made me laugh until my sides ached. I thought he felt the same way for me until I learned that my mother"s lady-in-waiting had been meeting with him. In the end, I had to smile and wish them well while inside I wanted to tear every shred of Joan"s hair from her head."
Ewan"s gaze studied her face. "Did he know how you felt about him?"
"Aye. As you well know, I tend to rattle on about everything, and I confessed my feelings. After I had embarra.s.sed myself, he told me about the two of them."
"At least he was honest with you."
"Aye, but the hurt was no less severe for it."
He patted her hand, his eyes searching. "Do you love him still?"
"Aye, to a degree. I think there is a part of me that will always love him. But I don"t think we would have had a happy marriage. I was young and he enchanted me."
"And Ryan?"
She shuddered. "I shall spend the whole of my life lamentinghim ."
"I am sorry for that. But how do you know this man doesn"t love you?"
Nora laughed bitterly. "How could he? Ryan knows nothing of me even though we grew up as neighbors and he visited often. All he ever did was drop frogs down my back and pull my braids. He is a beast. A complete and utter beast. All he knows of me is that I am my father"s heir and that I carry the weight of his fortune in my dowry. "Tis all he cares for. I could be a pox-ridden mule and he would be glad to have me."
"I doubt that."
"Doubt all you like. It is truth and well I know it."
She leaned forward until their noses almost touched. "So you see, you are the stronger man, Ewan. You are still here. You came home when another man wouldn"t have had the courage to face his family after running away with Isobail and then being abandoned by her. At the time, you thought your brother would be there to laugh at you or beat you, and yet like a man, you returned to take your punishment."
He drew a deep breath and looked away from her. "I appreciate what you"re trying to do, my lady. But nothing will ever make this right. It was my actions that caused his death and no other."
Nora tapped him on the shoulder twice to emphasize her point. "Think for a moment, Ewan. Had you not run off with Isobail, do you honestly believe she would have stayed with Kieran and married him?
Nay, she would not. She would have run off anyway to meet her lover, and he would still be dead because she was gone."
By his face, she could tell the thought had never crossed his mind before. "ButI betrayed him."
"Isobail betrayed him, and he betrayed all of you by killing himself. What he did was his fault, not yours.
He died because he couldn"t live without Isobail, who would have gone to England regardless of who escorted her. Had it not been you, I am certain she would have found another man to lie to and deceive.