"But ye nay drink down their souls."
"Nay! We have ne"er been able to do such a thing."
" "Tis what those men thought ye would do, what they feared."
Gillanders nearly cursed aloud. She had felt everything the dying men had. It was a miracle she was not yet mad, her mind broken. He reached out to soothe her with a touch but she cringed, and his heart broke all over again. Taking a deep breath to ease the grip of that pain on his throat he tried to think of what else he could tell her.
"We have more of us now who can abide some sun," he finally said. "The sunlight steals our life, draws it out slowly, weakening us so that we cannae even move to hide from the verra thing that is killing us. Purebloods cannae abide it at all. The stronger the MacNachton blood, the more dangerous it is to be out in the sunlight. I can abide all but the middle of the day when the sun is at its strongest.
"Finally there are the Lost Ones. These are the children, or descendants, of MacNachtons and Outsiders. I fear our ancestors, thinking they could nay breed a child, especially with one nay of our ilk, ne"er watched to see if any la.s.s they bedded bore them a child. The moment we discovered the first one, a search was begun for others. To our sorrow we ken weel that many have died over the years. The ones we have found have all had a hard life, were constantly threatened, and became skilled in hiding. That threat is even greater now, for we have an enemy who hunts us. Someone learned of us and has the coin and the power to send men hunting us down. They, too, seek our Lost Ones."
"The Laird."
"Aye, although we cannae be certain he is the only one."
"And the child my cousin Adeline took in is one of you."
"Osgar is Arailt"s son, so, aye, he is one of ours. So is Adeline now, for she is Lachann"s woman." He stood up and held out his hand.
Murdina did not take it. She knew that hurt him, could feel the stab of that pain, but she could not touch him. Not yet. So much of what the men he had killed had felt was still crawling through her veins that she feared his touch would be all that was needed to push her that last step toward madness. With one hand on the trunk of the tree, she pushed herself to her feet.
"Adeline still waits at Cambrun, Murdina," he said. "I swear that ye will be in no danger there."
"Then we had best resume our journey."
"Aye, let us leave this place of death," he murmured, and strode toward the horses.
Murdina slowly walked to her pony and mounted. She idly wondered if she was already mad, had broken beneath the onslaught of so many emotions. After watching Gillanders kill all those men, his eyes the yellow of a feral beast, his fangs stained with blood, it had to be madness that had her riding away with him. Despite all she was suffering, all she had seen him do, however, she could not see him as a threat to her life. She nudged her pony into motion and followed him away from the scene of battle, praying that she was not making the biggest, and perhaps the last, mistake of her life.
Gillanders watched Adeline escort her newfound cousin up the stairs to a room and sighed. The last of their journey had been trouble-free but a constant torment. She had spoken little and turned her back to him when they rested. All the warmth he had enjoyed in her smiles and her body was gone.
"She is the one, is she?" asked his father.
"Aye, but I fear she will ne"er come to me." He told his father all that had happened as well as why it had affected Murdina far more than it would have anyone else.
"Wheesht, laddie, ye are fortunate she is still sane."
"True. I but wish she would speak to me. Jesu, I but wish she would smile at me again. "Tis as if she has gone all cold, pulling away from me even though she is right there before me."
"Give her time, lad. Let her be soothed by the women and enjoy finding the last of her family for a wee while."
"I will. It willnae be easy, but I will give her time."
Jankyn was watching his son walk away when his wife walked up and slapped him on the back of the head. Laughing softly and rubbing the back of his head, he looked at her. "What was that for?"
"Ye just sent him in the wrong direction. He should be wooing that la.s.s."
As quickly as possible he told her all that had happened and why he had told his son to give Murdina some time to recover. "The la.s.s is fortunately made of steel, for I can but wonder how she remained sane after that."
"And thus will make a good mate for our son. But he shouldnae be leaving her alone too long. Once she calms from her ordeal, she will begin to wonder where he is and think too much on his absence from her side. I believe I shall fetch a soothing potion and take it to her for, if Gillanders stays away too long, someone will have to be able to convince her to go and hunt him down."
Murdina sighed with pleasure as she drank the tankard of heavily spiced cider Gillanders"s mother served her. Finding out this young, vibrant woman was his mother had been quite a shock, too. There were obviously a few things about the MacNachtons he had neglected to tell her. No one had suggested that Efrica was a second or even third wife, so her claim to be Gillanders"s mother had to be the truth, yet Murdina found it so hard to believe she decided to just ignore the puzzle for now.
As the woman took the empty tankard away, Adeline gently pushed Murdina down onto her back on the bed and pulled the coverlet over her. "Best if ye rest, cousin." She laughed. " "Tis wondrous to say that. I thought myself utterly alone. Weel, until I found my son and then my husband. Ye have the look of my father, too, which warms my heart."
"I, too, thought myself alone." Murdina briefly clasped Adeline"s hand, swallowing the urge to weep. " "Tis good to ken I have kin still."
"And ye will have more once ye get o"er your journey and go fetch my son to your side," said Efrica.
Murdina blushed. "I am nay sure he will wish to be fetched, and I am nay one of his people. And he is a knight whilst I am but the only child of a blacksmith."
"Neither are we of his ilk, and your birth is of no concern." Efrica sat on the side of the bed. "Nor are a few others like my sister, the laird"s wife. My husband told me what ye suffered, how that gift ye havenae yet told us about made ye feel all that those men felt as they died. But, they meant to kill ye. Ne"er forget that. Aye, they might have captured my son and sent him to this laird we cannae seem to find, but he would have died, probably after many long months of torture. I dinnae think the killing is what troubles ye when ye look at him, either."
"Nay, but in a way he lied to me. I looked at what he could do, how he changed into a mon I didnae ken as he fought, and felt the sting of that lie. I am also nay sure if I can be the woman he needs, if he even wishes to keep me."
"Oh, he wishes to keep ye. I saw how he watched ye as ye walked away with Adeline. As for being what he needs? Of course ye are or he wouldnae be looking at ye that way. Now, my husband in all his idiot male wisdom has told Gillanders to give ye time. Take it, but if he keeps away once ye are over all ye suffered, hunt him down. If ye love my lad, Murdina Dunbar, then ye will find a way to be all that he needs." Efrica stood up and brushed down her skirts. "Rest. We can visit more later when ye wake and begin to recover your strength."
After the woman was gone, Murdina looked at her cousin. " "Tis verra hard to believe that young, vibrant woman is Gillanders"s mother."
"Ah, weel," Adeline took Efrica"s place on the side of the bed, "these people dinnae age as Outsiders do. There is a lot I need to tell ye about the MacNachtons, Cousin. But I will say this now, as I can see that your eyes grow heavy with sleep. They are good men. If Gillanders has decided ye are his mate, ye will ne"er find a better mon to love. He will protect ye and any child ye bear with his verra life, love ye until your eyes cross, and be a true soul mate, the other half of you that ye didnae e"en ken was missing."
"That would be nice. Yet, he didnae tell me who he really was before he ..." She blushed as she realized what she was about to confess.
"Bedded ye?" Adeline laughed when Murdina blushed even more. "They are a hot-blooded lot these MacNachton men. Dinnae look so shamed. Ye are in love. "Tis the way of it."
"But I was in love with the other Gillanders, the one he pretended to be."
"Nonsense. Gillanders was Gillanders. All he hid was that which this clan has always hidden. And "tis worth their verra life if anyone discovers what they are. Ye hid what ye are until the last moment, aye?"
"Weel, aye, but ye would think he would tell me ere he bedded me."
"He is a mon. He wanted ye, and since ye may weel be his mate, that wanting must have been fierce."
Thinking of how his desire felt when he touched her, Murdina had to agree. "I dinnae ken what to think save that I think Efrica"s potion is beginning to dull what few wits I still had."
"Exactly what it was meant to do. Ye need to rest. Murdina, just what is this gift ye have?"
"I can feel what others feel. One reason I was so drawn to Gillanders is because all I could feel from him was calm. A wee hint of a shadow, but mostly a wonderful calm. Oh, and his desire. I kenned that was true, for I felt it each time it rose in him. When he killed those men," she added in a shaky whisper, "I felt all they did as they died."
"Sweet Jesu. All of them?"
"Aye. All of them. They were afraid, in pain, and utterly horrified, for they believed he would drink down their souls. I cannae explain how it was when all of the emotion came to me, but I do think "tis a near miracle that I am still sane."
Adeline hugged her and then sat back while still clasping her hand. "It is. I am curious now. What do ye feel from me?"
"Happiness. Calm. Sympathy."
"That is utterly astonishing."
Adeline asked a few more questions but then left. Murdina closed her eyes. Her body was so soothed by Efrica"s potion that Murdina doubted she could move, but her mind was slow to find its rest. The shadows of what the dead men had felt still preyed upon her mind, casting up images of the way they had died. She knew it would be a while before she could banish those shadows.
Gillanders also came to mind, but that did not surprise her. He had occupied her thoughts a lot ever since she had first set eyes on him. Memories of their lovemaking were far better than the shadows of the dead men"s feelings, but they carried a hint of sadness with them. She needed to accept that he had not lied to her, that he had simply been what he was, a man who had a lot of secrets he had been trained to keep, if only for the sake of his clan.
She still wanted him, still loved him. For now she would rest, shed herself of all those dark shadows, and regain her strength just as Gillanders"s lovely mother had suggested. She would also learn all she could about the MacNachtons. It was clear to see that he had not yet told her everything. The knowledge of what she would share if she did stay with him would be important, for she realized she did not want to taste his pain again as she had when she had shied away from him after the battle.
The fact that she could hurt him like that actually made a flicker of hope rise in her heart. You could not hurt a man who cared no more for you than as a way to soothe his l.u.s.ts. It was going to take a lot of courage but, if he did not come to speak to her, the moment she regained her strength, she would speak to him. Nothing could be settled until they talked. All she could do was pray that the talk would lead to his asking her to share his future.
Chapter Nine.
"Where is Gillanders?" Murdina asked the far too beautiful Jankyn, still unsettled by how Gillanders"s father looked young enough to be his brother.
"Out in the stables," the man replied, watching her so intently it made her uneasy even though she could feel no threat from him.
For two days she had seen little of Gillanders, mere glimpses of him as they pa.s.sed in the great hall. He had been avoiding her as much as possible. When she recalled how she had reacted to the truth about what he was, Murdina was not surprised by that. Also, his father had told him to give her time, although she doubted the man had meant for Gillanders to utterly ignore her. She also thought that Gillanders was giving all she had suffered very little consideration. It hurt her to know she had hurt him, but seeing what he was in all its ferocious, b.l.o.o.d.y glory had been a terrible shock, especially when she had been so crippled by all the emotions she had been pummeled with.
"He plans to go ahunting for more Lost Ones," Jankyn continued. "Could be gone for weeks."
"Gone? For weeks? He ne"er said a word about that."
"Weel, I suspicion he didnae wish to interrupt your getting to ken your cousin."
Something about her reaction to the news that Gillanders was thinking of riding away and staying away for weeks was definitely amusing the man. She could not discover what it was, however, for she did not have the time. If she was to corner Gillanders for a long talk, she had to catch him quickly.
"Oh, aye, run away, will he?" she muttered to herself as she strode away. "Two days of hiding like a child expecting a scold just because I found the sight of him ripping out throats with his teeth a wee bit frightening. Wheesht, who wouldnae. But did he give me time to calm down a wee bit, to learn more about his clan? Nay, he hid. Weel, he cannae hide any more. I will tie the fool to a post until he talks to me."
She heard laughter and knew Jankyn had listened to her rantings, but she was too angry to care. Refusing to run after any man, Murdina nevertheless walked to the stables as swiftly as she could. If she did not stop Gillanders from leaving, it would be a long time before they could talk as they needed to. She also feared how he would behave if he left still believing she could not tolerate what he was.
The moment she saw him, she hesitated. Murdina knew only that he desired her and that she could hurt him. It was not much to plan a future on or to risk her heart on. Adeline was certain Gillanders wanted her for far more than as a woman to warm his bed. Even his own mother thought so. Yet, it would still take a lot of courage to speak her heart to him on no more than those a.s.sumptions. Then she watched him make a final check of his saddle and knew she had to grasp that courage right now. If she let him leave, every instinct she had told her that it would be a long time before they could return to that idyllic time before she had seen what he was, if ever.
"Going somewhere?" she asked as she walked over and looked at him over the back of his horse.
"Out to hunt for Lost Ones," he replied. "We all do it from time to time."
Gillanders studied her face. He could see none of the fear or horror he had seen that day in the clearing. She was clear-eyed and apparently angry with him. Gillanders felt a faint stirring of hope, but refused to let it rise. Murdina might now accept what he and his clan were, but that did not mean she would now wish to bind herself to him for what could be a very long lifetime or to bear his children.
"Did ye nay think to tell me?" She heard the faint tremor in her voice and silently cursed, but the chill she felt from him was breaking her heart.
"Nay. I felt ye still needed time to overcome your revulsion."
"It was nay revulsion," she snapped, welcoming the anger that pushed aside her timidity and fear.
"I saw the horror on your face, Murdina. Aye, and your fear."
"Of course ye did, but horror and fear are nay the same as revulsion. For sweet Mary"s sake, I had just seen ye kill seven men all by yourself, and only one of them fell to your sword. I didnae come from a place where all kenned your clan, where whispered tales of ye are common. When Sir Ra.n.a.ld and his men encircled us, I thought we were dead for certain, or captured and wishing we were, and then suddenly ye are leaping about higher than any mon should be able to, snarling, tossing men about as if they weighed naught, snapping necks, ripping out throats, and drinking blood. Ye showed me, in a fierce, blood-soaked way, that those teeth I thought naught but some small oddity amongst your clan were, in all truth, fangs. Then, as I looked at ye splattered with their blood, I actually saw all your wounds heal before my verra eyes!"
Gillanders grimaced. The way she described it, he could understand why she had been afraid. It lessened the sting of the memory of the horror on her face.
"And," she continued, "did ye just forget what my cursed gift is? Mayhap what ye saw in my eyes was naught but what those men had filled me with when they died. I nearly broke apart from the weight of all their fear and pain."
"Ye stayed away from me for the rest of the journey here," he said, although he recognized the truth of what she said, one he had considered that very day but only briefly, while she had sat there trembling, pale, her eyes clouded with emotion.
"Which was but wee more than a day. It took nearly that long simply to shed enough of what those men had filled me with to think clearly." She started to pace, the strength and turmoil of her feelings making it impossible to remain still. "I didnae ken who ye were anymore. All I could think of was that I had given my innocence to a stranger, a mon who hid himself so weel e"en I ne"er saw the truth. Oh, aye, I sensed a shadow within you, but nay more than that. Certainly nay e"en a tiny hint that ye could leap about like a cat or tear a mon open with your fingernails that became claws right before my eyes."
She stopped and looked at him. "Once I fought through all the rest, I needed to think and get o"er my anger about that. Ye ne"er warned me, Gillanders. Nay once. One moment ye are the mon who likes to flaunt his chest and makes me blind with desire. The next ye are something else with claws and fangs. But, I didnae run, did I? I didnae flee your side. I still rode with ye to Cambrun, to a keep filled with more of your ilk. And all because ye swore I would be safe there."
He nearly gaped at her. It was true, and he had been too busy nursing his hurt to see it. She had remained with him. Despite the distance she had put between them for the rest of the journey, despite that lingering glint of fear in her eyes, she had followed him to Cambrun, ridden right into what must have seemed to her like the lion"s den, just because he swore she would be safe. All he had needed to do was give her a little time to speak to the other women, to think over all that had happened, and to understand exactly what he was. Time to be rid of the vicious onslaught of others" emotions she had suffered that day. He also should have talked to her more. He should have sought her out until her fears eased enough for her to listen to him, and helped her to overcome what had to have been a horrendous burden thrust upon her by her gift.
"I but needed a wee bit of time, Gillanders," she said. "I grew up in a wee, quiet village, the cherished and weel protected daughter of the blacksmith. I have ne"er e"en seen men fight with swords. There was so much blood that day, men screaming, the stench of death all round me... ." She stuttered to a halt when he took her into his arms. "It was ye I was afraid of and yet I wasnae, if that makes any sense to ye at all."
"It does." He kissed the top of her head and rested his cheek against her hair. "I saw that look upon your face and believed myself condemned as the demon some call me."
"Nay, I ..."
"Saw the horror of battle, the cost of fighting for one"s life, and swallowed the fierce, terrible emotions of dying men."
"Aye, but what troubled me most was that I felt ye had lied to me in some way." She looked up at him and touched her fingers to his lips when he began to protest. "Lie is such a harsh word, I ken it. Ye but hid a truth. Have I nay done the same for most of my life? It took me a while to accept that ye did nay more than I did."
"Ye told me the truth ere ye joined me on the journey to Cambrun. I meant to tell ye my truths as weel. I planned to do so ere ye rode through the gates of Cambrun. If I were a good mon, I would have told ye the truth ere we shared a bed, but I wanted ye too badly to risk ye running away from me."
"Oh, I have ne"er questioned your desire for me."
He grinned. "So ye ken it rises anew?"
She did and, as always, it stirred her own, quickly and fiercely. "I do." She pressed her cheek against his chest, enjoying the sound of the strong beat of his heart. "It awakens my own and strengthens it."
Gillanders put his hand beneath her chin and turned her face up to his. "Did Adeline tell ye of the marking?" He knew that if he made love to her now he would not be able to stop himself from marking her as his own.
Murdina blushed, silently cursing herself for how easily her fair skin did that. "Aye. She said it didnae hurt. She also said "tis the mark a MacNachton gives his mate." She tensed, praying that he was speaking of the mark because he intended to mark her, to claim her as his true mate.
"I have ached to give ye one since the first time we made love."
"Are ye certain?"
"Verra certain. I love ye, Murdina Dunbar. I suspected I was caught from the first time I looked into those beautiful eyes of yours. The only thing in doubt is whether ye feel the same."
"Oh, aye, I do. I love ye." She gave herself over to his hungry kiss, enjoying the ferocity of it and returning some of her own. "I suspected it when I could touch ye and feel only calm," she said when he ended the kiss. "E"en when ye suffered from some less kindly emotions, they didnae trouble me as those of others do. Beneath it all I could still feel that calm."
Gillanders knew he could wait no longer to mark her as his own. He swiftly unsaddled his mount, returned the animal to its stall, and then grabbed Murdina by the hand. It was not until he heard her laugh that he realized he was nearly running to the keep. He slowed his pace but not by much, ignoring everyone they pa.s.sed as he dragged her to his bedchamber.
Murdina did not think clothes had ever been shed as fast as theirs were once they were inside his bedchamber, the door latched securely behind them. When he took her into his arms and tumbled them down onto the bed, their flesh meeting for the first time in far too long, she did not think she could endure it if he spent too much time with kissing and stroking her. She wanted him inside her now, needed him to ease an ache that had been gnawing at her for days. Threading her fingers through his hair as he teased her b.r.e.a.s.t.s with strokes of his tongue and soft kisses, she knew she would not be able to play this game for long before she demanded what she needed.
"Love, I dinnae think I have the patience this time," Gillanders said as he covered her face with kisses. "I need ye now, need to make ye truly mine."